by Marie Abanga
Some may wonder if a couple who say they want to become ‘one’, and want to share everything henceforth, should turn around again and give each other a little space right?
Others like myself, who got married to that kind of a man with the sort of ‘mentality’ that his ‘wife’ is his ‘property’, know what it means to live under the terror of coming back a minute late from the ‘official’ places your were sort of ‘given permission’ to go.
My ex husband used to say and I quote: ‘tu es mon bien’ meaning I was his property. He said this jokingly in public but discussed it menacingly in the confines of the ‘bedroom’ for after all, had I not literally begged him to marry me?
I don’t remember ever using such language on him or trying to put an eye on his movements and dealings because I expected him to be deserving of my trust.
Hm, he abused that trust and stopped being communicative about his movements and dealings. I remember noticing that his cell phones were very often switched off as from 6pm until whenever he returned home and his excuse used to be that the battery had died down on him.
He however expected me to trust him or tell him all I did or wherever I went to, and for what purpose, and for how long and all.
I sometimes felt choked but I never knew hot to speak to him about it nor about any of my other issues , worries and fears.
Such attitudes are damaging right? Moreover, we would probably all agree that no matter what the bible or which ever dogma says, the basic concepts of any relationship, most probably should include Trust (Faith), Hope and Love.
That was how I gradually started telling lies to claim a little space to myself.
I remember lying that I am going to a ‘Church’ retreat or that my case (for I am a lawyer ) is taking long to be tried or that I was going to visit a client in prison or where ever.
Then came the tsunamis and unfortunately or whatever, I had to leave the country altogether and sure, I couldn’t take my 3 boys with me!
Now, I fast forward to my current relationship:
Of all days but the 14th of February, My boyfriend trustfully allows me to go spend the weekend with family in Paris. Oh , how I appreciated that he didn’t want a minute by minute account of my doings and goings unless I offered to tell him, and which I lovingly did in our twice daily phone conversations.
By the time I had been gone for just a day, he had missed me so much that he, the rather reserved person, told me in a mail that : ” Have a great evening, my little Valentine.”
This isn’t the first time he is letting me go places on my own for a few days or do anything I want to do and he trusts me to do so for the benefit of us and our relationship.
There was also a period last summer where I had to trustfully let him go on vacation to Greece for three good weeks. It was a tough and trying period for both of us and for our relationship but I bet that period did us both so much good and we couldn’t wait to be together again.
What I am therefore daring to suggest is that, sometimes, we have to trust the other enough to let them have a little space. The dividends are often real big for the relationship and the love and friendship more often than not renewed.
Moreover, I think we are spared unnecessary stress and heart aches, although I am equally conscious of cases including mine where the trust the other put in the other partner was grossly abused.
Yet, it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Oh, it is better to have trusted and failed than not to have trusted at all. Better still, it is better to have tried and dared than not to have tried and failed!
Do you think trust and giving the other a little space every now and then isn’t worth it anymore?