It started with Emotional Abuse: My Story

It hurts without a hit
It hurts without a hit

When we often think of domestic abuse, we sure think of those black eyes and bandaged hands right? Well, we also know today domestic abuse very often includes emotional and verbal aspects right?

Since I started my Monday series on emotions, I decided to talk today about my emotional abuse and of course all other abuse I got in my six year marriage.

In Africa, this issue of domestic abuse is still a ‘semi-taboo’ because of the popular adage to women to  ‘tie their heart’ (just bare it all ) supposedly for the kids or if there are no kids, then you don’t even have a raison d’etre as a worthy wife.

As for men, oh it’s a ‘God forbid’ for even your neigbour to hear that you were abused by your wife. So for them, it is, hmm ‘I beg let no one even hear’.

Well, I tore away from all that, I am an unconventional ‘african’ woman (if it means anything), and I wrote about my Unconventional Loves.

Before I share some of my ‘subtle’ episodes of emotional and otherwise abuse, I admit that I also abused my husband. Both in reaction to his abuse and dare I say out of proportion and irrationality? Could it be frustration and illusion?

On the Divorce Magaine last week, I  shared an article on ignoring the little signs of domestic abuse. That was of course my story.

How it all started

I re-called in that article how it all started as a ‘cold war’. Now, we surely all can remember the cold war of the 60s’ between those super powers right? That was the scenario in my home for a long while, an unhealthy one to say the least. This to me is Emotional Abuse. It tears and mocks at any great emotions you ever had and eventually leaves you doubting your own sanity.

From Emotional Abuse, I graduated to Verbal Abuse.

Well, frankly it is we both graduated. The emotional abuse left us both (each in his own regard I suppose) drained and the intensity of the emotions involved had surely climbed from mild to strong. It was lashing out time. I by then weighed 115kg and this is ‘ugly’. What a good weapon that was. ‘Oh you good for nothing fat, ugly, broke and lousy wife’ to say the least. I mean, I don’t need to wear you out dear readers and followers of mine with such details right?

But, when the abuse took on a physical, I knew I had to choose between Leaving or Living

When the abuse gets physical, there is no turning back. He has done it once, he will probably do it again and again unless…

I remember one episode as recounted in my book, when I locked the door of the room and hid the key with the hope of forcing my ex husband to have a conversation. He first gave me a sound slap, then he broke the door, then he kicked and pulled me out with my hair and throwing me away in the sitting room, screaming he no longer wanted to see me in our bedroom.

That room stayed without a door for three good months although I slept in there.

When such incidents happens and your spouse still demands sexual intercourse and forcefully gets onto you, I wonder what more we have to undergo before we save ourselves?

A holistic abuse wheel?
A holistic abuse wheel?

Yes, Emotional Abuse got verbal and physical and I just spare financial details for I don’t know what got me to put my money into a joint account in the first place!

Dear gentle readers and followers of mine, sharing is helping, and commenting is encouraging unless you think otherwise?


10 thoughts on “It started with Emotional Abuse: My Story”

  1. Wow Marie. Reading this article was quite emotional for me. Because, I can so identify with what you experienced. You see, I’ve been there myself. In both my marriages I suffered emotional and physical abuse. And I also had to defend myself and abused my abusers.

    We’ve got so much in common. It’s amazing! I think that’s whey we’re such strong women. We’ve had to cope with the harsh challenges life threw at us. And for the sake of our kids. And for our sanities.

    Thanks for sharing. Have a blessed day. 🙂

    1. June, you understand why I have no room for ‘trauma’ anymore? I have had quiet a lot and I just share what I can and hope it helps others out there too.

      Cheers to you my friend.

  2. You are one strong African woman. We stand the test of time. Thanks for writing about the different types of abuse to women.

    1. Someone told me when I published my book, that l must know l speak for many. l have that at the back of my mind each time l write. Be strong too dear, it shall always be well.

      1. Dearest Marie,
        Thank you so much for sharing your story and insight. I too, just like June Whittle can identify with your life. My upbringing wasn’t such a happy one either: manipulation, domination, aggression and self-worth issues played a great role. This affected me for years and I still work towards healing the past. It takes a strong woman to be honest, open and forgiving and I’m glad I read your blog. All the best for the future and take good care!

      2. Dear Clover,

        Thanks for hoping by and leaving such a soulful comment. I wish l could get your latest release to listen to as l fly home tomorrow? Trust me to check you out when am in Amsterdam. All the best too. Cheers, Marie 🙂

  3. Hi Marie, thanks for stopping by my blog.
    I feel for you as I too have been there with my youngest sons dad. It was a 5 year relationship from hell.To this day it haunts me if I think about it. That was 16yrs ago and I have never let another man hurt me or degrade me in such a way. I hug you and hope life is being kind to you. Many hugs from Oz, Paula xxx

  4. Dear Sakuraandme,

    Thanks so much for hopping by and leaving a soulful comment. Bear my not replying earlier, l am on vacation in cameroon and blogging time and internet connection are not my friends right now. l feel for you and sincerely hope you find it to heal and move on. There is strength in what remains, darling – you musn’t be tied to your past and your are prettier than you there admit. Hugs from Douala, Marie

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