Yes, today I am writing about suicide and WHY I DROPPED THAT KNIFE!
I had been living a terrible life – parallel lives l called it in my ‘in’ famous book. I was sick of being sick. I had lost my daughter the year before and four years earlier, it had been a five months miscarriage. I just felt distrustful. l though about suicide, yes it seemed a ‘good’ solution. After all, what real support did l have?
No guts to seek for help?
Maybe it was all my fault. I had no guts to seek for help. Maybe I only tried a little, and then shied away by having to say all the disgusting things l had been doing. Maybe it was because our system doesn’t even provide those helplines we have out here. Maybe yet again, it was that nobody around me truly cared enough than to see my smile and get the help they were so used to getting from me?
It simply was becoming too much for me to bear. I kept reaching out to the wrong people or rather l kept being noticed by the wrong people? First it was this cool … whom l thought will just help me but not take advantage of me. Oh no, he was human after all, and we both had longings we wanted satisfied too. And there was “my treasure”. Ha but he came after the suicide attempt.
The voices in my head encouraging me on
I really remember that day, it was during lent of 2009 and l was 4 months pregnant with my ‘miracle boy’. I call him ‘miracle boy’ because l still don’t know how he got in there. Sorry to say it but l guess it was one night when my husband forced his way in.
l told myself all this could be stopped and l would be doing myself and us all great favour by taking away one more miserable life from circulation. l told my baby each and every day how l was filling and how sorry l was that we may both never get to meet each other?
One good morning around 10 am, when my two other boys had gone to school, and the house was as silent as death, and it was just my baby and l, still in nightie and looking as sad, teary and sluggish as ever – l went in there and brought the knife to my room. l said what l though was a last prayer but then l dropped the knife…
What I thought of there and then
But heck, who am l really dealing with?, do l really deserve this? Does that baby really deserve this? Do l know why and for what purpose l am here on earth? Does my mother yes my first and best heroine deserve this? Hadn’t she had enough yet with an only son sick? Did my other boys deserve this? And my Father and siblings will they ever cope? No Ayo l reasoned, there surely can be strength in what remains. I thought even if l wasn’t happy with my husband, he didn’t deserve this either and neither should l give him more reason of claiming l was possessed.
And so I dropped the knife
l hear and read of a lot of suicide stories and l am currently reading a book of a mother who’s son with a bi-polar disorder, committed suicide. l thought to share my story. l hope someone reads this and drops whatever it is they have picked up or are contemplating picking. Please dear family and friends, look out for yours too because some simply don’t know how to ask for help. Surely, our society plays a role, bullying, peer pressure , domestic abuse, you name the rest.
This week ends off dear gentle readers and followers of mine, thank you so much for everything. Your comments, likes and sharing means a great deal!