I knew all along that something was wrong with me but l just couldn’t put my fingers on it. My life as l so honestly and shamelessly narrate in that book of mine, tells so much.
I have always been a jolly and extrovert person and have lived parallel lives maybe since 13 or younger. Societal norms, tradition, religion give them any name, don’t give room for ‘mental illness’ to be looked into just because some ‘fake depression’ sets in and you seem a bit ‘shaggy’.
Therefore, when l started going irrational and doing things my own ‘shaggy’ way and falling in love with a seminarian and eventually having a child with him, it didn’t ring no bell nether to me nor my mum. I continued oscillating between ‘normal and shaggy’.
Who gets married as a refuge? Me. Who commits adultery over and over? Me. Who talks about it shamelessly? Me. Who gets up and abandons that same marriage and three children and all? Who enjoys the company of ‘bad guys’, dates another priest, and elopes with a ‘street kid’? Me. So, if this not ‘madness’, then what is it? I leave the ‘madness’ in quotes because l am yet to get any medical diagnosis.
I remember when I will spend days and hours in bed so depressed, when I wouldn’t want my husband to touch me, when I stopped sleeping with him, when mindless of of the abuse and all l didn’t think of going to a therapist etc. I remember shutting down my facebook page and deciding leaving was my only option because nobody thought l needed help and there was so much at stake, status, honour and blabla to keep up. Yes, I may not have gone full Psyche and manic and all, but l know how l felt in there.
No diagnosis to date?
Oh yes, no diagnosis to date because, there seemed to be no need to. Lets see. Somebody told me this after reading my book :
“The roots of your challenges were spiritual. Something within the family ancestral bloodline. I have been told of a Cameroon tribe where the women are ancestrally cursed never to have a stable home. I am not saying yours is one of those. But seriously, I think there’s need to break the cycle. I am pleased with your redemption. But you need something extra. It’s not religion. It the total personal surrender to the Saviour and let rule in your heart TOTALLY.”
I don’t want to laugh hysteria or go nuts. l just think it would make more sense that there has been no diagnosis till date because society already had one for the likes of ME. You see, that was a fellow country man talking to me like that and a few others have done that too.
I am however determined now more than ever to go see a psychiatrist therapist and all. I am out here now and have all sort of resources and support at my disposal. As for stigma, l stigmatize it. l am proud to be a mental health patient, survivor and advocate. As for my mother, I am nothing new and she has a son with a more complicated situation to worry over.
I almost committed suicide and dropped that knife at the very last minute, no shame admitting that. However, I am much much better now and dream of becoming a personal and emotional well being coach. No longer interested in practicing law. That rings a bell right? I need to be really well and sure l am on the right path and will not sink down there again mindless of the ‘perception’.
I found out yesterday about Dysthymic disorder
Otherwise know as dysthymia. I am so grateful for all the sites l have been visiting recently and all the resources l have been reading and all what l have been doing. Sleep has for very long been a luxury and to get 5 hours in a row, it a grace. Hence, l can read and work a whole lot. I am coping now though and look forward to finding out more so as to probably help others too.
Dear gentle readers and followers of mine, this is part of my thrilling life which l share without reservation hoping it inspires and motivates YOU to dare find strength in what remains!