Hey pals, when accepting the very inspiring blog award yesterday, l added the word Gosh to it for a particular reason. I felt the thrill of an award and the responsibility that came with it. Simply put, l have to continue inspiring and even do better right?
Now, I also introduced a new term l have coined for myself and maybe the likes of me? Back home, when you are insulted as being a ‘Sheggae’, it means your are simply put ‘nuts’. So l devised ‘Shaggy’ which means to me, nutty but coping. In other words, l am admitting to sometimes have a nutty tendency, but which l try to cope or even thrive with somewhat.
Yes, shaggyness indeed since l am yet to see a psychiatrist. I am however bent on taking an appointment today to hopefully see one in August after my vacation. Many who think they knew me, would be surprised by this. But l am doing it for me and not them. I am a proudly unconventional woman to say the least. There is a whole book on that and frankly speaking, a few living witnesses.
l sincerely think that l need to have a diagnosis for posterity’s sake. I can’t tell why it never occurred to me back then at the height of my shaggyness to see one. Yet, the likes of me, will admit that at such highs, you are simply helpless. You try to cope which ever way you can. My dear mother, may also have to be engrossed and used to my brother’s ‘mania’, that she couldn’t read the ‘writing on her daughter’s wall’. l knew of only two options then.
Fight (F1) or Flight (F2)?
My likes in here, will surely recognize this right? When you go ‘shaggy’, the gears of your Porsche switch automatically. They go either F1 or F2.
In my case, they pretty much opted F2 although a few F1 episodes were registered. I was scared of my own self and even ashamed. I also had a lot of ‘shows’ to put up and ‘normal life’ to lead. No, at some point, l opted to flee out of life by picking a knife. It didn’t work out very well, so l left home, my boys and all.
Shaggy man and us, who is really in control?
This is a pretty difficult question to answer. However, l have some ideas and suggestions maybe? Well, as in what works for me. There are times when, ‘shaggy man’ the always unwelcome guests, majestically walks in, he may even just creep in, triggered by whatever even a mere word or misplaced smile.
l think he loves and so desperately wants to be or seize control. lt is even easier to give in to him than to attempt F1 because the risk may be an outright mania or psychose. In such a case, by the time he is done with you, you are left worst off than if you opted for F2.
But l have recently discovered another way of approaching F1.
l don’t let any trigger hover a second too long with speaking to it. I don’t go shouting ‘Holy ghost fire’ or whatever, l first breathe in and try negotiating. l try to cajole but l really first let the emotion slow down. l think it is called talk therapy. l also do something like what l recently described in a post on how l manage my depressive moods.
It’s a long journey and a tough battle. It however is not a life sentence nor a contagious disease. Yes, we know people who lived great lives and did do great stuffs, all the while being ‘shaggy’ and all those other conditions.
Maybe for ‘hollywood stars’ it is easier because their stardom absolves ‘stigma’? I think it is also for the likes of me to gain some sort of stardom enough to stigmatize any stigma both within and without.
Hence, once l felt good enough to go ‘viral’, whatever that means, l started off with a post on honesty. l have a name, Marie Abanga, and l am using just that and l really don’t care how many friends and family shun me because l am admitting my ‘shaggyness’ and publishing such a ‘shameless’ book. Perception indeed is very often different from reality.
Dear Mama, if only you knew
If only you knew that you had to try understanding more instead of just leaving it all up to fate, faith and family history or ‘madness in genes’?
If only you knew, that being ashamed of and mad at your own ‘helpless’ child only helped and fed the frustration, depression and suicide thoughts?
If only you knew, that your child is truly so helpless and sad for all the hurt to you and others and above all else him or herself?
If only you knew that talking therapy could be life saving?
If only you knew that your child really misses his ‘normal’ life and sometimes simply can choose either F1 or F2?
Dear gentle readers and followers of mine, l thank you for everything and sincerely wish you the best. I appreciate your likes, comments and even just clicks to share or read!
p.s l am so happy, l just got a Psychiatric appointment for August.