Hi dearest gentle readers and followers, l would be lying if l don’t admit how much l missed you and my therapeutic writing world. Well, the good news is, l coming back a little firmer. l am yet to settle down sort of because we leave on monday for a real two week vacation, but at least there will be steady wifi there unlike back in Cameroon from where l had the lone chance to blog about things we take for granted?
Now to this post, a little firmer?
What can this possibly mean? Wasn’t l already that firm, firm, firm in what l was doing etc? Emm, not really l must admit. The blog break, gave me some time to think about several things and to make up my mind further on how l hoped to proceed with my blogging and much more. Hence, l thought of the heading of this post and l started by looking up the word firmer. Here is what l got:
l keep being grateful for all what l learn in life, big among which is the realization that l am probably a mental health ‘candidate’. l anxiously await my diagnosis come my consultation in August. This will probably explain the depressions, mood swings, irrational behaviour and much more. lt will equally explain the hyper sensitivity, super energy, fearless courage, unconventional loves and all.
Yes, l am looking forward to that diagnosis for l believe in knowing it sooner than later, and sure not while in a psychiatric ward right? l have a brother’s journey to teach me some and it is actually my unconditional love for this lone brother of mine that got me interested in ‘mental health’, leading to the revelation that l must surely be an undiagnosed ‘patient’. This is a tough admission and feat right? Firmer we can say!
What about the dictionary definition above?
Let me look at it closely; l am not soft or yielding when pressed except it may be logically peaceful to do given the circumstance. However, l am not securely fixed to any place. Sincerely, l only feel securely fixed to my own self and my Darling Darling’s love. Even the later may waver someday, l hope not but for now, his has become my home. My kids are mine, but mothering from across the ocean doesn’t guarantee any security of my place in their hearts and l wouldn’t deceive myself otherwise. l can only be firmer in my hope that my boys and l will cross this ‘desert’ together and that l really wouldn’t give up or break down in the process, nor will any of them.
Do l shake or tremble?
Hmm, good one right? l admit to shaking and trembling in private. Often within me but because l want to appear firmer, l have long learnt how not show how vulnerable l was or felt. l mean only until l published that bombshell of a personal thriller. The numerous TV and radio interviews l did back home revealed alot of the ‘other’ me, and also left my ‘audience’ in awe. Well, l am firmer in the realization that l am not a super woman and not depression, moody, mental illness and all immune.
Steadfast or Unwavering?
l love this most. Not because l am convinced of my steadfastdness and all, but because l know l am firm and oh firmer in my pursuit thereof. To me, that is the true measure of a human being. l owe it to none but myself. l am not prepared to let anything or anyone stop me in that pursuit or take whatever little of that l already have away.
Today, l once more learnt of a mistake in my contract, this time my fault, but it is too late to fix it and useless to cry over spilled milk. l am firmer than that. This episode once more reminds me that we each have that power in us to decide how much we want to be ‘rocked’ by any episode in our life. Some will sure get us to know no rest until we ‘splash’ it out, but we could also ‘fix’ ourselves up once that wind or storm or whatever comes by, is past. They all sure will, we just have to believe that and stick to that believe in all firmness.
Finally, l am most gratefull for my few ‘friends like June’ and my entire ‘e-family’. I mean, those who have ‘read my book or blog’ and don’t think l am ‘thrash’. ln the end, l can’t really tell though, just glad l can call them ‘friends’ until proven otherwise.
Dear gentle readers and followers of mine, l hope you make something out of this post and that it helps somehow. l am hoping to regain my blogging regularity but l can only make promises as from August. For now, we take it as it comes and sure all comments are welcome. Even just a like does wonders right?