Dear Pals, today I wish to write about those negative selfs we consciously or unconsciously bestow on ourselves and cling onto. I mean the likes of Self-Doubt, Self-Denial, Self-Harm, Self-Hate, Self-Sabotage and all. l recently read a very enlightening post on a site called PsychAlive, dwelling in detail on self-sabotage and l wish we do read it too. I as usual, will write about my personal experiences with some of those ‘negative emotional releases’.
I have not always suffered from self-doubt but the few times l suffered, l suffered immensely. Just for some refreshing, this is what l found out could be a good way to understand this self-doubt:
l remember doubting my ability to practice law as a lawyer notwithstanding the fact that l won my very first criminal case, and quiet a few others. l was so full of self-doubt to the extent that at some point l stopped going to court and lost interest completely in even doing briefs. On the PscheAlive website, they use the word ‘critical inner voice which is a term coined by psychiatrists to explain what they have found is that ‘traitor up there’. That voice sometimes takes such control of us so much that we really can’t help ourselves any more. We may have to undergo therapy, counselling or even take medication just to be able to calm both them and us down.
It however in my modest opinion takes much more than deleting the words. Positive action is needed too. It can’t come from us alone but the greatest action must originate from within. This I know and have read, is the first and most important step to tackling those ‘traitors in our head’.
l lived in self-denial of my immoral acts. l lived in self-denial of my probable mental issues. I did not think l owed anybody an explanation of why l behaved the way l did and l did not think l could reach out for help especially to a professional. Simply put, l refused to look at myself in the mirror, l did not want to accept the me l had become. But then, sometimes, even those around us may equally be in denial of our ‘situation’. They may think we are ‘acting up’ or simply ‘fine just like that’.
Self-Harm, Self-Hate, Self-Sabotage
I only physically harmed myself when l stooped so low as picking a knife. But emotionally and otherwise, I felt some solace doing all those hurtful things to myself like going out with other men although l knew that to be wrong. I tolerated my X’s domestic abuse because l thought l deserved it. l hated myself so much and was always so angry within when l was complimented by all and sundry. In fact, publishing that book was equally a way of humiliating myself in public.
Dear gentle readers and followers, l know we each deal with all such -selfs’, and that we are striving to move forward. I hope my posts help and probably generate some comments or even likes.