Oh Death Where is your stink?


I wasn’ expecting a visitor at such a late hour! Oh no, I wasn’t expecting that many phone calls either. I have trouble sleeping sometimes, but when I fall asleep, I sleep off like a log for as long as it lasts. So when I got up to go to the Loo at 5 am and didn’t look immediately at my phone as I normally do, I felt suspicious of that new attitude. Maybe it was saving me from piercing my apartment with the kind of scream I later unleashed?

That unwanted visitor
That unwanted visitor

You all know this fellow needs no invitation. You all know he cares not about a phone call. Indeed, he doesn’t ask his host or their family if they are prepared for him. He is self sufficient. I think he knows the might of his stink.

It is so hard for me to write this post, but I must do it so as stay in control of my trembling. This fellow has visited me before. He robbed me of the only daughter I would have had. She was just a day old. Now he stops by again, robbing me of the one person I fought physically and emotionally for other than myself. Yes you can all guess, I mean my brother. The two posts on him can be refreshed here and here.

There goes my current state
There goes my current state
What I lost
What I lost

I equally once went to a funeral and I got this poem, an extract of which I will reproduce here while acknowledging the source:

(Poem written by Mary O’Higgins-Mooney, April 2014) She died that same April and it was at her funeral that I first witnessed a cremation ceremony. I don’t know why I kept to the poem and had even since toyed with the idea of writing mine.

“Welcome the foreign, the unknown; Try not to reckon or to judge;Alert the eyes and open ears;To all that’s mystic, marvel, new

The furrowed brow, the wrinkled skin; A demonstration of within; But such is life and so is death; ‘Twere never one escaped it yet”

I grieve for my mum above all. My brother is gone after spending almost half of his life with several ailments raging from Bi-Polar, eating disorders, Schizo… and what else. I am struggling to keep ahead of my issues too. They won’t get me because I am so determined to fight them. The triggers, the stigma, the meds and their ugly side effects and all.

Until my own day dawns, I will keep on… thanks for all the condolence wishes I will get. This week is a week of mourning, so no posts and hope you understand.

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23 thoughts on “Oh Death Where is your stink?”

  1. Keep breathing my blogging friend. Keep breathing. We just buried two of my mum’s brothers within weeks of each other. Three years ago it was my grandma and then my brother’s wife within 30 days. I know the terror – I know the shock – I know the ripping pain through your soul. Keep breathing. Weep. And write. You are not alone. Keep repeating that – you are not alone.

  2. I’m not even sure what to write, because no words can assuage your loss. Thinking of you and your family, and wishing you all the strength to deal with this terrible time.

  3. Oh Marie, I’m so so sorry. I haven’t read any of your posts for the last few days as I’ve been busy updating the theme of my blog. And working on a guest post I published today.

    I feel really bad as I had no idea that you lost your brother. My dear Marie. I know your heart is broken now because you were so close. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now.

    I don’t know what to say but I’m praying for strength for you and the rest of your family. Please stay strong for the others. I know it’s a shock. We can never understand why our loved ones die before their time. I’m so sorry. I feel sad for you.

    God bless. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  4. You and I need to change places.. I slept over 24 hours on Sunday/Monday, for what reason I don’t know…

    Wishing you some well-needed rest and relaxation in your grief, be good to yourself and let yourself rage and cry (probably by yourself or the others tend to look at you strange like wondering if you need hospital time, but its good to let it all out in private)

    1. You know Terry, I love that saying that if wishers were horses, beggars will ride. I am the beggar here and you are the horse. I can only wish for that sleep right? 🙂
      But guess what, I am grieving so well my own way. Crying as hard as it comes, laughing, dancing, not eating, eating, daydreaming on end and writing myself out. I hit the gym yesterday and grieved some more via an hour 20 mins sweat out.
      Thanks indeed for all

  5. Marie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hold you, your family, and your brother in my heart and prayers. May his soul rest in peace and may he welcome the foreign and the mystic unknown. To life. To living on, carrying forth memories of his life. To love. To a love that never dies, especially in the face of death. To the love of family and friends. I send you my love and offer you and your mother my deepest condolences.

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