Yeah, I know the usual will be; Forgive me Father. But may I be unusual, I guess my unconventionality is no more in doubt! Hence my post and the hope that it helps someone out there too!
I am no ‘religious’ and so I deny to go by norms in as much as I am ‘in control’ of my life. I once did a post on my father not seeming to know me, I was furious at the man. This fury got worse with the death of my brother. I have chronicled my feelings and all in both my memoir, and in the soon to be released book on my brother’s journey.
Now, this week has been a difficult one for me (I fear to use very anymore because I seem to cross more ‘shaggy’ terrains nowadays) and the pain only seems to dance around. I however took the decision to review this area of my mind that had gone blank about this man. Yes my father.
I never got to see him on my recent trips back home: both before and after my brother died. We had some unpleasant phone calls which triggered me so. The first was when I was home in June, and this made me not go to the village to visit him. The second call, just before I went for my brother’s burial, just tuned me off, and I was so emotionally drained that even talking to him while back there, would have been outright hysteric.
I spoke about this ‘saga’ with a big sissy of mine, she’s walked that road with hers several times. We both agreed that letting go and moving on somehow, is the healthiest thing to do. I was also motivated by these quotes I found on my good friend’s blog.
My Brother is ere dead, a memorial mass will be said for him this very morning back home. He held on to dad’s shadow till death; I will have no right bearing a grudge on his account. And as for me, it is time to let go and move on:
Father I forgive thee; not because you need it – but because I do;
Father I forgive thee, for all the times you showed to ‘love’ me more than my siblings – it hurt me bad;
Father I forgive thee, for never being there emotionally, nor physically pretty much of the time;
Father I forgive thee, for not accepting to go to Germany and help find and bring Gaby back when he was so sick and would have so loved to have his daddy show up at least once for him;
Father I forgive thee, for once more not accepting to visit him in the US when you were offered so much including a ticket, and you were already retired;
Father I forgive thee, because you know how badly Gaby longed for you and how much I loved him to want him healed even just by your presence;
Father I forgive thee, for not accepting to call Gaby when I pleaded with you to do so on that fateful June 12th, 2014;
Father I forgive thee, yet I hope you get to imagine what Gaby never got to tell you;
Father I forgive thee, I have to move on and Gaby is dead;
Father I forgive thee, I have come to realize my expectations of you have to be re-assessed and there is no getting younger for both of us;
Father I forgive thee, I hope you find a place sometime somehow, to forgive me too;
Father I wholeheartedly forgive thee, I wish our relationship resume semblance of cordial until either of us departs – I will give you a call shortly for I can no longer go on awaiting your call!
Yours truly, Ayo
Dear gentle readers and followers, forgiveness is a tough feat but it is a healthy hurdle to skip. We hurt ourselves more, by clinging on to grudges so. It takes time, and there is no one size fits all crap here. I just wish any you broken kindred in here, all the best in getting some peace.
© Marie Abanga 2014