I resume a much more hollistic blogging this November, from the October trend dedicated to Mental Health Advocacy. I hope to concentrate some more on my Journey to Coaching and invite you all to visit my website though still under construction.
I thought of irony when I read a post on the site personal growth for life by my good friend Mickey. In that post, he advices that we should stop letting other people choose who we are attracted to. It was then that I realized most of my own issues came from ME and not really others. I had and still do the qualifications, analysing and all within before even thinking of what other people may think, do or say. In respect especially to his post, I think I am the one who in my childhood and teenagehood, didn’t think of myself as good enough, pretty enough, likeable enough, jolly enough, well reserved enough, well-brought up enough and all what else you can add? My relationships suffered. I suffered most because no matter which one I somehow got into (sometimes much to my own amazement), I didn’t last out for long in there. I mean I had a ‘mask on’ pretty much of the time. And that is the irony in my anectode.
As earlier said, I was very critical of myself then. I still struggle with that very much. I wasn’t always the smiling one especially when it came to ‘personal relationships’. I felt so vulnerable. Did that have something to do with what I grew up witnessing? I may never tell. However, because I felt I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be dated/courted/loved/approached…, it was ackward to get ‘so many’, albeit ‘unconventional guys’, talk/approach/like/love (or whatever you have) me. I gather now that I must have been somehow ‘readable’ by some of them, or maybe likeable/pretty/attractive/funny or whatever. The bottom line is, whenever I felt very vulnerable or not ‘ME’ in that relationship, I called it quits. My Adulteries probably have some explanation (I have come to learn of befitting terms like impulsion and compulsion) for my chaotic self esteem and other issues in life – mental challenges.
What has happened?
I admit I also sometimes thought of what others may say/think/do with, or about my ‘personal relationships’. I have therefore zoomed in and out several relationships and yet missed some of them that bad. I have come to realize it is my journey and I have to chart my course. I now esteem myself very high, if only to have lived and been through it all and still be ‘pretty’ enough to write them down.
I wonder how many like myself have dwindled in out of this self esteem ballet. Sometimes we hold ourselves so high and then others/sometimes those least expected, fling us so low. Other times we esteem ourselves so low, and then some least expected, swing us so high. Finding your balance in your journey, isn’t easy at all but it is worth keeping Faith.