I think I now know what the hell is wrong with ‘dad’…


He passes the test with flying colours
He passes the test with flying colours

This is a very delicate and even difficult post to write and publish. Indeed, my recent ‘aha moments’ have bestowed a whole week of writer’s block on me. I am working on a new chapter I decided last minute to include in my forthcoming memoir, because I realised how naggingly on and off this ‘subject’ of what the hell is actually wrong with dad, still takes up my precious brain energy. I don’t even have a single picture with him only, inspite of being what I have come to learn is the ‘Golden Child’ of a Malignant Narcissist.

So you get it, I am diagnosing him with a Malignant Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I had found the strength last year, with help from my psychotherapist and my mum and co, to forgive him. Forgetting however was not just that easy. And each time I thought of, or saw my brother’s picture, each time I read a related blog post or even met someone with a similar traumatic story like mine, each time I so badly wanted to understand as much as possible what the hell is wrong with the man we all called dad, and so looked up to.

I am still so stunned and maybe even shaken to write more that will even make sense of all what is currently going on in me right now. I am even happy I have been able to write this much. I think I can now go back to that chapter and maybe write 1000 or 2000 words before bedtime.

Only those who have searched for answers to their ‘inner demons’, those who have found it seemingly impossible to quiet their ‘raging minds’ until something makes sense to them (at least much sense even if not total), can have a better glimpse of what I am potraying here.

Am I to let go just like that? I sincerely don’t think so. If others hadn’t gathered the courage to share their painful past with us, there is much we would still only be second guessing about. I still take responsibility for my mess and poor choices as shared in my first thriller of a memoir, but I still assert and with much more understanding than before, that things may have turned out differently if only I had had a different dad, and by implication a different relationship with mum. This is how I currently see it. Alas they turned out as is, a lot of damage has been caused and two siblings haved been buried right there behind his house.

I wish even one person is helped by whatever I share here or in any of my memoirs. I hope one partner somewhere in a narcisstic relationship, gets an ‘aha monent’ and leave… There is indeed so much pain in the world…

Thanks to whoever reads this and even likes or leaves a comment… the whatever I feel even robs me of the usal tears which would have been flowing in abundance by now… dare I say I would have preferred the tears to my current state of near blankness? If my brother got a label and he didn’t care to even call the boy or attend a single therapy session, I am giving him one whether he likes it or not… I rest in peace…

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18 thoughts on “I think I now know what the hell is wrong with ‘dad’…”

  1. My mom has all the characteristics listed in TAble 1….we just had a fight on the phone and I’m sad and drained. I previously thought she has borderline, but now I think she has that and the one you mention disorder as well. (can’t spell today) – I am so sorry about your father, Marie, and believe me….I understand what you write about here all too well. Sending you my love and hugs as always. p.s. I’m so proud of you for writing the memoir; it’s incredibly difficult to bring up those memories but I also believe it’s healing as well.

    1. Thank you lady! Thank you very much. Am drained as is, so much keeps going on in my life! Thrilling even amazing. Sometimes I envy the dead? I hence also want to share to heal and help as much as possible before my turn you know

  2. Me gosh that sounds veyr much like my ex-husband… does that mean his bipolar diagnosis might be wrong? it is him spot on…
    Writing a memoir (I look forward to reading yours at some point) is an incredibly important process I think. I am translating my father’s, and the things it is teaching me, about him, about us, are just amazing. Our own individual experience I believe is the most amazing thing we can share. You are brave and beautiful!

  3. Marie my dear, I’m so sorry. You’ve been through to much and having to carry this terrible, destructive emotional baggage about your dad as well doesn’t help. Dyane is right when she said writing your memoir will help with the healing process.

    I don’t know what to say to give you any comfort, except that I’m praying for peace for you. Your pain is so evident in your words. If you were here I would give you a big hug. But as I can’t, I’m sending you an e-hug instead.

    Lots of love. 🙂

  4. My dearest daughter, write your memoir if it helps you to heal .Know you have so much to do with your energy and potentials. Your success can vindicate your brother and all I wish you could do is to move on for your sake and that of your kids. I have moved on and the foundation and the center for epilepsy & mental well being in memory of my son keeps me going. You have a lot to contribute and you have contributed so much already. Get some sleep and remember that you have my back, my shoulder and my knee and above all my prayers.
    Take care and be assured of my love.
    Mum

    1. Thank you loads mummy. I really need to heal so much inside but I am trying so hard. I know I have you and several others to count on through thick and thin. I know I have my angels up there to cheer me on emotionally. For us all and them, I’ll keep surviving.

  5. Unfortunately there are Narcissistic people out their every where! The worst are indeed the Malignant Narcissists, and they can be your Ex, your wife, your husband, your father, your mother, one of your family members or even your colleague.
    Understanding the Malignant Narcissist is one of the many steps that belongs to the healing process after you have been the victim of a Narcissist.
    There is even a name for all the victims, it is called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.
    You know you are not alone.

    Ruben

  6. Dear Marie,

    I can only tell you that while i am wary of labels, having worn and borne and been the victim of too many labels myself, and not necessarily finding the use of any label itself helpful, at the same time, that list, ooh that list just completely seems to define my own father, at least from his behavior and the way he treated me and his family. I cannot say what he thought or felt, as i do not know this for certain, no one does, but i can tell you that both my brother and my sister, the family psychiatrists diagnosed him years ago as dangerously narcissistic…(Wow, that was a wild guess but spellcheck seems to have said i got that word right! Holy moly!)

    anyhow, the pain and devastation that my father caused me in my younger years led to terrible things and at one point i wrote him a letter, which he naturally threw away, threatening him that if he ever –did whatever he had done again– i would set myself on fire on his lawn in front of his house so the last thing he would ever see was his daughter going in flames, that image seared forever on his retinas, to be my revenge and his punishment after my death!

    Thank god it was only an angry and very very hurt threat and i never had any intention of carrying it out. I just wanted him to know how badly he made me feel, that he could drive me to that point with nothing more than his words or in his case his non-words, because i think what i was angry at was his telling people that he had three children, which was untrue, he had four children, i was the oldest, but he never admitted that i existed for 35-40 years.

    Do you know that even after he came back into my life, he was forgiven by me, but he never ever made amends or retold that story? So his friends never came to know that i existed in all those 7 years…only at his funeral was the entire truth out, that he had an eldest daughter who had not been spoken of for 40-some years…and my younger sister told that story from the pulpit, not i…

    Anyhow, why am i writing all this here? Because i want you to know that others have been there, and yes,nthe pain does actually abate with, well, time and aging, only. It took my father’s death two years ago snd my being 62 before i understood that – it doesnt matter any more, it cant because it is over, he is not here any more to either change things or change himself. So i must go on and change myself, which is all i could ever change all along.

    That is what i needed to tell you. Marie, you cannot change the past, terrible as it was. You cannot change anyone else’s past either, nor their present. All you can do is 1) change your feelings by changing how you look at something and think about it, and 2) change yourself and what you do and become. What you do and become affects others, yes, but they and only they are responsible for changing themselves in the end.
    Love,

    Pammy

    1. Thank you loads Pammy Tears spill as I reply to yout comment. I once more am glad for the intuition I followed in reaching out to you. See what I have in you! Sweet I am coming to that USA afterall even if only to sleep with you for 48 hours. Thanks so much for your story and two pieces of VIP advice. He also did something despicable to disown us 4 but was quick to sing my ‘achievements’ or that of any of his ‘girls’. Yes I decided for my sanity to let go. Writing it here and in my memoir seals that part of my healing journey. Am graceful and grateful to do this at 36 and not 62 🙂 thanks equally to people like you. Loads of love, Merrymarie

  7. Hi Mama Ayo, it’s been long since I last visited your blog. Well, I haven’t been to the internet but I use my phone for facebook. I have really missed your interesting posts.

    I have often times been asking myself this question, ”what is wrong with my own daddy” and coincidentally, your forthcoming publication has a chapter titled, ” I think I now know what is wrong with my dad”. Coming from broken homes, having auditory impediments, some kind of family problems. Why do we have so much common grounds?

    MA, you can write as many memoirs as you wish and let them help in the healing process. ”There’s a time to heal”. Ecclesiastes 3:3. And just as a literal wound, like a broken bone can take weeks or even months to heal completely, emotional wounds take even longer.

    More grease to your elbows.

    Love Bibi

  8. I have wondered long and hard about posting early childhood traumatic events that shaped me…bent me. But decided that getting it out after all these years would help my sons (hopefully) understand their dad better. My wife seems to think it is the right thing to do.
    Healing one’s self is of the utmost importance. Do your best to achieve this goal, Ma’am, do your best.

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