This is a very delicate and even difficult post to write and publish. Indeed, my recent ‘aha moments’ have bestowed a whole week of writer’s block on me. I am working on a new chapter I decided last minute to include in my forthcoming memoir, because I realised how naggingly on and off this ‘subject’ of what the hell is actually wrong with dad, still takes up my precious brain energy. I don’t even have a single picture with him only, inspite of being what I have come to learn is the ‘Golden Child’ of a Malignant Narcissist.
So you get it, I am diagnosing him with a Malignant Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I had found the strength last year, with help from my psychotherapist and my mum and co, to forgive him. Forgetting however was not just that easy. And each time I thought of, or saw my brother’s picture, each time I read a related blog post or even met someone with a similar traumatic story like mine, each time I so badly wanted to understand as much as possible what the hell is wrong with the man we all called dad, and so looked up to.
I am still so stunned and maybe even shaken to write more that will even make sense of all what is currently going on in me right now. I am even happy I have been able to write this much. I think I can now go back to that chapter and maybe write 1000 or 2000 words before bedtime.
Only those who have searched for answers to their ‘inner demons’, those who have found it seemingly impossible to quiet their ‘raging minds’ until something makes sense to them (at least much sense even if not total), can have a better glimpse of what I am potraying here.
Am I to let go just like that? I sincerely don’t think so. If others hadn’t gathered the courage to share their painful past with us, there is much we would still only be second guessing about. I still take responsibility for my mess and poor choices as shared in my first thriller of a memoir, but I still assert and with much more understanding than before, that things may have turned out differently if only I had had a different dad, and by implication a different relationship with mum. This is how I currently see it. Alas they turned out as is, a lot of damage has been caused and two siblings haved been buried right there behind his house.
I wish even one person is helped by whatever I share here or in any of my memoirs. I hope one partner somewhere in a narcisstic relationship, gets an ‘aha monent’ and leave… There is indeed so much pain in the world…
Thanks to whoever reads this and even likes or leaves a comment… the whatever I feel even robs me of the usal tears which would have been flowing in abundance by now… dare I say I would have preferred the tears to my current state of near blankness? If my brother got a label and he didn’t care to even call the boy or attend a single therapy session, I am giving him one whether he likes it or not… I rest in peace…