Yesterday as I travelled to Boston, I wanted to do a little cherry post on PhilaPlush and PhilaPower as I felt about Philadephia. I tried to take a few pictures for that, and to first map out the structure and content in my head. Yet I just couldn’t get it straight. Alas that post may be for some other time if any at all.
It’s raining now in my head and I just have to be patient
I have to start by telling my gentle readers to be gentle with my blog this week or don’t click on any of my posts this week. I feel it coming, the anxiety and nervousness and I am not pretending to be strong or snap over or out of it… I am letting it rain in my head, maybe flow out through my eyes and maybe hole myself in some. I’ll just try not to let the rain ruin it all for me. Yes, I had a cool weekend and a calm bus trip to Boston.
Nimbus Cloud build up in my head
- I attend a gala on Saturday which finishes at 4.30 am and am kindly driven back home by 5 am. I shower and try to sleep but phone calls and messages etc wouldn’t let me be. It is sometimes very hard for people to understand you can’t always be the one they ‘know or think’ you are or should be;
- And yet I have to be in the Bus at 11 am at a station an hour’s drive away from where I live. I had negligently bought a ticket to depart from Baltimore MD, without checking with whoever on the ground, how close or far away it was from wherever I was hoping to live. I knew I was sure gonna be in MD and just thought that well it was all in MD. So, the fact that I can’t get there on my own by public transportation because that will take 3.30 hours, that I have to negotiate for a ride and get same from a sweet friend who has just worked himself out before and during the the weekend to make the events a success, that I just can’t sleep straight or comfortable on that 9 hours bus ride to Boston, all these build ups for the nimbus cloud in my head.
Trying to Smile and be Brave
This picture was taken in Wetchester County in the State of NY wherever that is… well during a bus stop so we could get some food etc. I know I look and feel drenched. My left eye is swollen and I just want more coffee (I took some before leaving Hyatsville MD and although I know that was maybe not going to help me sleep, I didn’t think I was going to sleep anyway). Well I took a frappucino instead which I think is better especially in my circumstance.
I am going to try to brave the next two days out here. But I am going to be very patient and kind with my self. I don’t care who thinks I should be over this by now or that I could try harder. Some pain is simply put, Black Pain. I am not trying to live up to anyone’s expectations right now but mine, and am expecting real emotional moments. I started by having a crapy night and getting out of bed at 5 am this morning, and finally deciding to start writing instead of just watching the rain fall so hard in my head. I wanted to go out for a walk (yes the urge is to walk the 1 hour to and fro to Gaby’s last abode), but I changed my mind and decided to write all this down first, and also wait to greet my kind hosts when they wake up. I sure will go to that apartment and to my Brother’s table (he told me he went there often).
Let it flow to let it go
I once watched a movie where this phrase was often used. Now I’ll remind myself of this throughout my Boston stay. Whatever the emotions and all, I’ll try my best to let it flow to let it go. I can’t and wouldn’t pretend. If I don’t want to hold any ‘pleasant discussions’, I wouldn’t. If I don’t want to visit or be visited by any ‘family’ out here, I wouldn’t. This is also why I play hard and make the best of my ‘happy’ moments and meetings with people like Marilyn, Sherry and Richie. Hmm, yesterday I sat next to none other but a monk – ziplock that mouth of yours which fortunately was not even in the mood for chit chat. I could at least take this picture from the top seat I had paid to reserve and was already beating myself for wasting that reservation: