Who in their ‘right’ senses and emotions fears being loved? What is wrong with me that I would so long to be loved and yet end up often running away from this ‘love’? Could it be it was real? Why am I not so entertaining when some gentleman comes along and probably with a deep inhale starts to talk to me about ‘love’. Oh now I remember! I have several times thought it’s probably a spam, scam or mere spark. And yes, as much as a child seeks for attention and love, so too do they fear rejection and reproach. Maybe, it all started in my own childhood too, you know. Let me give it a glance.
In my previous memoirs, I have described the childhood and relationship I had with my parents. Each of them in their own respect. I know I was equally a difficult child, or so it is said. But what I know for sure, is that what I most longed for, I never got. I longed to be loved and not just looked at. I longed to be nurtured and not just noticed. I longed to be led and not just laughed at. I longed for a real relationship with either of them and not just be the receiver of so much unsolicited pampering or reproaches. I truly longed to be supported in my ‘difficult’ development and not just spanked to get it straight.
What I honestly think I got, was what probably the parent in question, given their own circumstances and probably childhood, did give. I reproach none of them any longer, no I have since moved on. Being a mother now, I try so hard to give all of what I missed to my boys, or to dialogue with them and get them trust me enough to open up to me. Yet, I have to explore this area of my life because I still feel the fear of being loved, because the ‘love’ I had before was so painful, has had such repercussions in my life and is still threatening to.
I grew up in a context and society where the norm was that ‘children were to be seen and not heard’. What do you have to say anyway, especially when adults who know it all are talking and making decisions probably even concerning you? What were your needs as a child? Simple there according to that context! You needed to be fed, to sleep, to dress up, to go to school and yes to church or wherever you were told to go, or taken along. Imagine what a difficult thing that was for ‘extroverts’ like me who could talk and ask all sorts of questions enough to become annoying and outright unruly. I am sure mum was overwhelmed, while dad thought trying his best to buy all those stuffs was good enough. And the gist is, some parents today still see it was best that way. For me, that context was devoid of ‘realness’ in that the parent-child relationship as such could be more out of moral, cultural, religious and otherwise obligation and fear, than love.
The irony about this chapter is that I am starting it just as someone is trying to ‘come into my life’ again. I don’t even know what to say or do. I just hope by the end of this chapter, I would have faced some of those stuffs deep within me which have pushed me to Fold Everything And Run one too many times. I want to be able to Face Everything And Rise when any love like gentleman comes along. I have to trust my instincts and reasons, not my emotions on their spur of a moment. And if it turns out to be a spam, scam or spark, I will try not to close that gate again, but rise and thrive. After all, so far so good to the extend that I who was once Battered, and tattered, fought hard enough not to be Shattered…
Dear World, such are the mussings and matters in this other memoir of mine.
Get your Kindle ready, the Bonanza runs from the 18th of January to the 21st. A day sort of for each book… that’s my birthday gift to us all with so much gratitude…