BS: This post was written as a guest blog for some multi blogger platform which threw open invitations out – well they said not all submissions were gonna be published and it was to run only for November… Although my submission was never formally rejected … at least it logically never made it to their publish button… So since I have a publish button too at my disposal, I do that HERE ON MY OWN BLOG… so regaliously (hoping this is an english word) 🙂
I remember when as a toddler I really had no big issues to worry about, I was afloat and was actually known as the ‘go lucky rosy girl’. You can imagine who goes by such a nickname huh! I say big issues because I did have some which I kept all to myself in my mind and matter. Although I was considered a lucky kid whose dad ‘loved’ her above all her siblings, and bought her books and more than she wanted, needed or even asked for, deep within me I was sad because I felt I had no relationship with either of my parents. I mean as a kid, my mum had to knock neighbours’ doors at sunset to find me. As a teenage when rebellion had kicked in full swing, I oscillated between their homes, never feeling at home in any of them. Life was already kicking me by then and my relationships with the opposite sex were becoming more of an embarrassment than otherwise. To make sad matters most miserable, I decided to ignore my parents warning and coax a guy into marrying me – I thought having my own home was going to keep me afloat.
It turned out quick downhill from there! I engaged in impulsive, compulsive and obsessive behaviour – too much for me to keep living, I picked up a knife. But no it wasn’t to be, I packed up and left the marriage and my kids behind. I started globe trotting, hoping to finally find some place where I could settle down and keep afloat…Nada
Four years latter, I finished my running away cycle and returned home the prodigal daughter. It was time to face the mirror, It was time to be a mum to those 3 innocent boys who never asked to be born in the first place. It was time to deal and heal from a messed up mind and past which was threatening to ruin my future. I just had to do all it took to stay afloat. In the healing journey which had actually begun when I started roaming around, I had come to discover myself, embrace and accept myself just as I was, and forgive myself too. I let go of my past, the hurts and all, I made peace with God and Man. It’s now a do all I can and should to stay afloat. No more regrets, I feel am afloat for real – no more fear of sinking!I am so Grateful to be alive and keep counting the bonus years I have with reverence… I am determined to do all it really takes to stay afloat.