On this day when my girl would have turned 10: I am ready for my purification by Faith and not by Fear!!!


marie-the-baby
My baby girl had this much hair

I feel that inner compass shifting towards which direction I can’t tell yet so clearly. I have had a searching soul for so long, only late year it dawned to me it had become a serene soul. The poems written thereafter will be published eventually and can sure attest to that.

I realize there has been a gradual preparation for a spiritual journey since 2008 when I learnt the toughest lesson I think I’ll ever learn from life. The daughter I had been so badly craving for, was born and buried in less than 24 hours. The pain I felt on that has only been seconded by the pain I felt when my brother Gabriel died.

Ange Claire as I named her, was born on the 27 of February 2008 at noon, and died on the 28th of February 2008 at 3:52 am. That lesson was called DETACHMENT.

Today, I am ready as directly from within, to start with my official purification as from March 1st 2018.

The following are some of the books accompanying me along:

  • Peace Pilgrim;
  • Every Day Meditation with James Allen;
  • Fasting and Eating for Health: A Medical Doctor’s Program For Conquering Disease;

  • A Course In Miracles;
  • Chicken Soup for Your Soul: Counting Your Blessings

Some of my most cherished prayers include:

See us all during each of my breaks, thanks for all the best wishes and prayer thoughts

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On a mini lighter note before I start my purification: Could someone refer me a parenting manual?


So, merry me again, got back home yesterday evening to no electricity and water. Electricity was cut/turned off by the provider – kind of ok news for us out here, they do that every other few days.

But no water, hmm that’s where Gaby comes in. My friend invited friends over for a game of football (there is a field nearby and am tired begging him to take his crew/disciples out there), ok well so I hear the game turned nasty and there was a fight or so. Result for me to validate is: pipe burst and meter off – call plumber dear mama cherie

The neighbour above travelled and I can’t go knocking on the furthest neighbour’s to get some water because she left very early.

Solution to avoid more wahala this morning especially after my friends slept like real logs last night, is to go fetch water for them at the nearby public tap. That I do, and on my way to find oga plumber I slip big time on the muddy foot path. Ashia mama is the chorus when get back. It rained last night and all are in a light mood including myself.

Parenting can be tough let no one fool you. There goes my monday, am sitting here waiting for oga plumber and resigned to working from home. Thank God Gaby gave up his 2000frs savings as contribution to the total repair cost.

Here is to wishing us all parents a good try at this challenging but ultimately rewarding adventure hahaha

Dday -3: Who am I, who are you?


Hello world, as you can all see from the above, it is only after 39 good years on earth that I got an answer. I first went by disqualification after reading a very profound book by prominent Wyoming lawyer and author Jerry Spence, and two weeks ago I got up with the realization of who I am.

I am freedom and love. Why freedom before love, don’t ask me. I think I have been these all along, but they got so buried under ‘life and its never ending wahalas’.

As I look forward to starting my official purification on March 1st 2018, I am free and ready with all the love needed to stay disciplined and dedicated to the end; I need nobody’s validation but God’s and mine.

I leave you with more scribbles of mine (does the scribbling seem familiar/normal, or indicate a mental illness?), as well as motivation to those still in the self discovery or self definition school.

Wishing us all a fruitful week. I have two more posts to write before I take my leave from food, blogging and more (as my inner voice dictates) …am looking forward to a super spiritual and fulfilling experience and will sure share same with you during my breaks.

Who are you not good enough for? Who are you waiting to believe in you?


Four more days to the official start of my purification, I got final details of the fasting I’ll be doing. When I first heard from within it’ll be in four shifts of 7,14,21 and 28 days, I smiled broadly because I have done 30 days fasts before and didn’t die so will surely do just fine. Then, that little voice told me it’s in shifts because I’ll have to fast from blogging and talking (this I will do only the barest essential). So, fast from blogging for 7 days, not so bad but 21 or 28 days oh my (still not sure if it’s 3 days break I’ll have between each fast or what – sometimes tricky to understand all what the inner voice is saying especially with this distraction full external world). But I want to commit to the end of this inner voice directed purification, and be ready for the next stage of my journey – where this will lead me to, am open handed.

And now, do you think I care what anyone thinks about what am talking about and what I’ll be doing? Well, I have heard some direct remarks but am good enough for myself and will give no power to their dissuasive remarks.

Someone told me I wasn’t doing good enough in their opinion, given all my IQ, skills, talents and personal disposition. I didn’t find it in me to be explicit in my response, I just shrugged because am beginning to learn and appreciate the power of non verbal communication.

I am good enough for myself, I believe in myself as a noble instrument of God. Many are called, few are chosen – it is a privilege to be among the few even if you have to go through some dark nights of the soul to be a good vessel for the conservation or transportation of any message.

I am aware of my initial profession as a lawyer and how some would have rather had me be one of the fiercest and richest around in my generation, but that is not my calling. I have searched and sought for 39 years, and I did say this was my year of Grace.

Reading Peace Pilgrim currently, I can relate with what she writes about being prepared and purified for a spiritual journey. There is a lot involved, and when I connect the dots backwards like Steve Jobs said, I see how the preparation started in 2008 with the death of my daughter. I was taught a very tough lesson in detachment. 10 years on, I have learned and been through so much more, even enduring and embracing some small doses of purification every now and then. Those were part of the preparation still.

I am ready now and I have talked with my sons. With regards to going vegan, no further details yet.

Am I becoming a psychic? If that be it, so what? Is that reserved only to a certain type of human beings? Born as such maybe? And even then, were any of ‘those’ever deemed good enough from the start? Did they wait to find out, or wait to see who believed in them?

If you know who you are, you will surely know whose’s validation matters most to you.

Even my writings are becoming increasingly dictated though I still negotiate to use personal examples which I believe suits the purpose of the point being made anyway.

Tomorrow, I blog on Who I am, and am grateful for the opportunity to serve humanity and do my Amazing and Almighty Father’s will whichever way he leadeth me. So long as I am good enough for him, so long as he believes in me, I am here marching on. He can and does tell me that directly inside me, it’s an honour to feel this spiritually connected.

Be inspired and motivated you all, think about these pertinent questions whatever be your mission. Even if it is still at the discovering you level, or confronting your demons level, or helping your inner you level etc, decide to be good enough for yourself and to believe in yourself – all others will fall in place eventually trust me…

When you give only what you want, deal with the fact that the receiver may equally do with it what they want…


Shoes I was given in Yaounde for charity because I asked for them.

Hi world,

Am writing this post on my trip back from Yaounde, although it will be published as scheduled.

Now, before I get into this post which has been on my mind a lot lately, here is some news from me.

I have been told by my inner voice:

  1. That the purification I had long been prepared for since 2008, officially starts on March 1st 2018. What all that means or involves I dont know other than that a 7 days fasting sets the pace;
  2. That I need not worry because some of the elements like that fasting, and talking less and less, I already know, while others like going vegan will eventually be ok;
  3. That I have to henceforth be more vocal and specific about my needs (not wants), and refuse to compromise for my own good.

It is thinking about needs that urged me to write this post.

First things first, I have received so much in life, and I of course give out in equal measure. Now, sharing my cheerfulness or moodyness, and all things internal, hasn’t brought me nor caused me as much head and heartache,like sharing material possessions which I consider external stuffs.

Since almost all material stuffs I have ever had, I received from others (no lie here I have received way too much), when I give those away those who gave me start to complain and even hold a grudge against me a while.

The easiest of these stuffs to I give away are all those clothes, shoes, bags and etc, because well soon am not seen with them and maybe someone else is seen with them.

Am tired of this situation and I did a lot of meditation on this because it has been a pattern from Chidhood. I got the following answers inside me:

  1. Many many people don’t give me what I need (which is definitely not all those material stuffs), but what they want;
  2. The things which I have ever specifically asked for and received, I treasured a longer while even if I ended up more giving them up too than cluttering my poor house or wardrobe (I have a specific number of each piece of clothes I can tolerate, and I can visualize some leaving tomorrow);
  3. I see and meet a lot of people who need those things like the prisoners, some less fortunate friends and relations…so why can I not freely give them? Some even outright ask me for something and the detached me is always so willing and grateful to give.

My conclusion therefore is two fold:

  1. I am no longer accepting any material possessions unless I expressly asked for, or was asked if I needed same;
  2. I will tell anybody giving me something that it may eventually be passed on, that they better consider it as having been given it say to church where you don’t manage what they do with what you give them;
  3. That my late grandma was right in saying that anyone who gave her anything and ever checked or monitored how she chose to use or share them, should stop giving her anything.

This life is already pretty complicated as is, I want to be free to do with mine and all the vanity stuffs I have or receive, the way I want. This of course includes surprises and anything received for the boys until they reach majority and are free to do with those as they want …

Aime mon amour: their second mum and my heroine


This is Aime and her two kids, she lives two homes away from us. I have known her for like 18 months and I am so grateful for her. Her two kids are like mine too, and the little girl and I especially get along so cool.

Talking about her daughter Samira, when I got to know them, she wasn’t walking nor able to sit down on her own. Of course talking was out of the question. Her mum was tired of bringing her to the hospital and giving her all those meds and vitamins they were soon running out of money buying.

Her dad was not around pretty much, and when he was, he just dropped money and maybe even some bashing on the poor lovely mama for any flimsy reason.

I coached Aime, to heal her own heart, and then we helped Samira with more love and nurturing. We introduced Soya beans into her food (mostly still soft or outright liquid because she had barely any teeth to chew), and I courted her dad to make him realize the child could be suffering from poor nurturing by both of them.

Gradually, we made progress and Samira’s weight improved so good, today at three she is all set to go. A lot has also changed in their home and Aime who used to skin her son and I’ll hear his screams two homes away, doesn’t waste her energy and ruin their relationship so anymore. I am so proud of Aime for starting sports and loving same.

Now, talking about being the boys’ second mum, Aime has the key to our Home. Aime understands me so well and steps in when am sick, tired or absent say on a trip. I am so grateful I don’t have to worry when away (am currently in Yaounde since yesterday), because I know Aime is just two homes away.

In January 2017, and January 2018, we went out on new year’s night, just the two of us for a respite. It is tradition now, and we look forward to doing same in January 2019 with gusto.

And did I forget to mention that Samira is a chatter box now? that Aime is a seamstress and sews all my African attires? Yes she has done all I have had stitched since moving to this neighbourhood in March 2016, even these yummy ones below lol

I wish us all, especially struggling parents emphasis on single ones of course), to work on building a support system with at least an Aime like in there.

Bon weekend à tous

Traveling for me takes mental and physical preparation: And you?


Hi all, first solo travel in 2018. I cherish traveling alone because I can read and sleep and do just as I want without feeling obliged to talk with anyone. I know aome good conversation could be struck up with a seat mate and even contact made, but on this particular trip not me oh lol!

Taveling used to be fun when I was a kid. I loved going around with my dad and asking all the questions in the world inspite being told to just shut up like my siblings and leave him to drive in peace. He still remembers to this date lol!

However, when we moved to Yaounde from Douala when I was in Grade 4, everything changed. That was a major traveling for me because it was not a to and fro. I was leaving all my bearings behind, and not happy dad hadn’t even told me of this move when he got the news from his job. I was really something to even think of that right? It is ‘not expected of good African children’ period!

Although my anxiety at traveling has gotten better and I no longer pack months or weeks in advance (up to 2015 that was me), I still love to be ready mentally and physically at least 3 days in advanve. Any on the spur trips even if fun, or not consented to, throw my psychologically off balance a while. I can’t even imagine what I’ll do if I in any last minute packing for example, left behing an item or piece of luggage lol!

Well, for now, am boarded for Yaounde again for an overnight trip. Am hoping for the best of moments and know the boys will try their best. I am reading Peace Pilgrim and well wrapped up for the AC in this dang so called VIP bus lol!

And you gentle readers and followers, what is your preferred traveling mantra? Plan and Prepare; or Up and Go?

Learning to give David some time to cool down too…


 

That is David doing his things. He loves more of solitary play and drawing, than getting mixed up in brawls due to games with others, or mix ups at home. But precisely, the later can’t be avoided, na not among boys right?

So, yesterday morning there was an issue over chocolate paste and how Gaby took too much. David brought that to my attention while Gaby had stepped out do something. Now, Gaby overheard David tell and quickly told him to mind his own business. His words in french were: ‘Jaloux’ (jealous). Of course David wasn’t pleased and before I realized it they were manning up to each other and flinging more words around.

Gaby knows David’s soft spots and plays with those, going as far as calling him ‘bébé au lait’ (literally meaning milk baby – like weakling or so). I had to step in their middle to avert a fight.

I managed to get David to sit down and take off his school bag, then I rubbed him on his back several times. His heart was beating real fast. After a few minutes, I tried to get him to talk but he wouldn’t. We were all running late and so I desperately asked him if he needed more time to process his emotions. He said yes. He at least identified the emotion of Anger from the chart of emotions we have on the wall, and he told me he felt like punching Gaby even if he loved him very much.

I had to let him be because I realized he wasn’t ready to say any more. He was neither ready to talk with Gaby, not to mention make the customary peace of hugging each other while saying it’s going to be ok, and I still love you. Did I mention the last incident between those two which however gladly ended in a tripartite peace making was on Sunday?

Anyway, I learnt from the incident that, just like I sometimes want time off to process my emotions before moving on, so too do kids. I could in a position of authority threaten him into talking or force the peace making, but was that going to be real? Given that I don’t like fake relationships and actions or reactions, I will not expect that of any other including – even especially my children. I hope by the time he comes back from school he has forgotten about the whole incident. I asked Alain who is in the same secondary school with him, to check on him at break time out of sibling love.

My own sibling story is even tougher mindless the sex and age hahaha

Dear gentle readers, in life in whichever relationship, we have to respect the other and not seek to force them to keep to our pace, relate only in a certain way, or be the one we think is best for them. I share this events in my life, to inspire and motivate with my own reality. It all about seeking a holistic wellbeing and giving your children a balanced and good foundation

p.s: 8 pm 20.02.18 I get back home and the two fight out of the door to be the first to greet me are… yes you guess right: David et Gaby (I actually often confuse their names or pronounce in such a one the one comes when I meant the other). David tells me the anger was gone by short break and he felt fine. He choose peace over conflict and forgave Gaby

Have a great midweek all

How proud of your sons can you a parent or single parent be when…


Your last son at age 8 can finally also sew a button on his uniform like his siblings;

Your first son gives your last son home lessons, and this clearly helped him transition from the french system of education to the english system in Grade 4;

When your second son is the DIY chef in the house, and helps even at the neighbours;

When all three know how to cook and willingly help you in the kitchen;

When your second son’s grades in form one are much better than when he had after school lessons from a tutor;

How proud of my sons should I be? How grateful and graceful? Do I focus on some normal incidents of their age such as: naked dancing during laundry, some missing books and, non attendance at doctrine; and miss out on all the miracles and bliss they bring?

Parenting I am learning, got lot to do with balancing various choices and actions, but above all having a real relationship with your children. Even if physically apart (like I once was intermittently for four painful years), a spiritual connection is possible.

Since returning in August 2015, and moving to our own home in February 2016, it has been more of thrilling than not. No enticing or lucrative prospect can lure me to leave my sons again like that.

Be inspired and motivated all ye parents and single parents in the house