Category Archives: Coaching and Therapy

Twinkes not Wrinkles 


Twinkles not wrinkles

Those I want for the season

The reason but no treason
Twinkles not wrinkles

They come naturally

Please let them be
Twinkles not wrinkles

In my eyes not on my brow

That’s all by Grace
Twinkles not wrinkles

You want those too?

If yes, you welcome

If no, I know you nought.

Up and about this Saturday for some respite

P.s: Wishing us all the best for the season, new year ahead and life in general

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Even Rest & Recuperation (R&R) ain’t easy


Wow wow wow, glad friday is here. I have a full social event tomorrow, like all day and night, and I feel fully R&R from a hectic last week.

The R&R never came easy, and you may even wonder what’s the deal which warranted such R&R in the first place.

So this is what I was up to between the 27th of November and the 2nd of December.

  1. 27-28 Nov: last minute preparation for a big Gbm event  – a mega donation from a sponsor, at the centre being constructed in my village (over 600kms from where I live – factor in roads and all)- Gave evening lectures at the university both Monday and Tuesday before travelling over night to my village;
  2.  29th Nov: Got to the village at 7.30 am, tried some mild R&R then on to reception of Sponsor, official donation ceremony and refreshments from 1 pm. Here are a few pictures:
  3. 30th Nov – 1st of Dec off to the other end of the village to meet Dad for the funeral of my late aunt – mind you these celebrations in African contexts are not taken lightly. And there was dad to take off, and to spend quality time with;
  4. 1st Dec – 2nd Dec over night: Travel back to Douala and my boys

So there in a nutshell was one hyped week for someone who suffers greatly when her routine is distrurbed.

Gladly, I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally this time as much as possible, but still the body took its toll and crashed on return. R&R was desperately needed.

But R&R  didn’t come and easy and there was a price

That saturday Dec 2nd, I tried to sleep all day but my musketeers + Ella wouldn’t let me. Not that I really knew how to – I even tried to take the boys out that afternoon  but nada, tried to lock them out – nada – so we all ended up in my bed watching the movie “Homeless to Havard”. At least I was in bed and they had fixed me lunch and lots of tea.

Next day Dec 3rd, the pain in my whole body let me know I had to go even for a brief walk before crashing in bed again. I braved a walk and gladly didn’t over do it. Felt much better and thought I could zoom it to cook for the week ahead and etc. Did a little and back to bed. In the afternoon I had to go all across town to pick up some stuff from mum and there was TRAFFIC – poor me.

Monday Dec 4th – Tuesday Dec 5 th, I tried to work half days and I had picked up the flu and etc taking me forcefully back to bed.

In a nutshell, as much as I wanted and needed R&R, it didn’t come so easiliy and then I had to pay a price for my stubborness.

So my advice to you peeps from experience is; whe you feel a burn out, just lie still and feel the pain to healing using whatever works for you. I for example put myself on fruits, vegetables and hot (anything) therapy + an inspirational movie and music to sooth the nerves too you know

Have a nice weekend everyone; as for me I’ll be at the Returnee event for the entire day and night with my IT shoes and all hahaha- so another R&R we go for again thereafter…

I will not choose


Let it be clear once and for all

I will not choose between you

I owe my existence to you both

~~~

I am a by product of all I learned

Directly or indirectly you both taught

Directly or indirectly I got it straight

Why now do you think I should choose?

~~~

I am sorry for your grievances

Maybe you’re not able to let go

All the scripts and expectations

I have come to shred and have none

~~~

I prescribe myself just one thing

To love each of you just as you are

To love whichever ways works per situation

I also appreciate silent love

When unspoken words and actions say and prove it all

~~~

Thank you both for loving me silently, just as I am

I have mastered the lessons, and give some to others

But now I must confess: consider it a final word

I will not choose

……….

P.s: For closure after an awesome 3 good days with my dad. Be inspired other Children of Divorce in the house. I was never implicitly asked to choose, but grew up with that feeling. So, if you must choose, as it could come to be, follow your conscience and be not swayed by emotions and hearsay. I hope my boys who had bravely not chosen even where I was so far away, will not someday have to choose between their dad and I. I do all I can to leave communication lines open while taming my ego.

Lessons of Effective Discipline shared with me by my son – Alain


positive discipline

A month ago, I realized I was losing it with the boys when I will get home and meet the house in a mess. I started giving timeout, not to them but to myself – I will rush into my room and lock the door and ask them to knock when they finish tidying up. I didn’t want to stay with them and spend the little energy I had screaming. But it was taking longer each time and I started praying for a better way – Alain was equally getting concerned and so the last time I gave myself a timeout, he came to my room when his siblings had gone to sleep for a chat (we sometimes have them in our capacity as GM and Deputy of Our Home Inc) – He brought his reader and shared with me what they had been learning in school on effective discipline. I share same in its entirety – of course it is left for each to appreciate as they deem.

Discipline is a strong virtue that a parent can leave as an indelible legacy to a child. The Biblical King David in one of his epistles in the Old Testament dubbed Proverbs says train up a child in such a way that when he grows, he would not depart from it. Effective discipline is a dire need for smooth going on of things. Many actors come into play for ‘child discipline’ namely the parents ,teachers,elders,older siblings, kith and most importantly God Almighty for who else can discipline a creation better that the Creator? This rhetorical question is considerate to the fact that nowadays children are taught in school and when parents seem to be losing it with the children, it deepens their attention for effective discipline. Often times, due to the openness between parent and child, they both exchange pleasantries in a disguise dialoguing form aimed towards attaining effective discipline as their conversation is content-filled with the divergent views of the different stages of better discipline.

Effective discipline can take four formats namely Instruction, Training, Correction and Closure.

When we talk of instruction, it is an embodiment of teaching and commanding a child which can take two forms that is formal and informal for outlining clear rules and regulations for the child to follow and using every situation to teach by modeling respectively: What this means is teaching by the power of your example and not the example of your power. This sets the bases for an obedient child to grow effectively disciplined.

Training a child for effective discipline is the second level which aims at obedience and maturity. Training needs affection in most cases so as to build proficiency and develop the child’s skills and be able to know the reason for disobedience since learning is complexed at times. Is disobedience as a result of willful defiance or childish immaturity? When the answer to this question is established, it gives way for the third level of effective discipline which is Correction.

Correction which is multi-facetted is the taking of an appropriate action to enable the child follow the instruction and training. The facets of correction will include direct assertive communication, time-out, natural or logical consequences and rewards. Whatever strategy chosen for correction which maybe punitive or to restitute, it is aimed at getting the desired rightful results of effective discipline which is obedience since this is seemingly a painful factor often times than not as the modes will differ if disobedience of instruction and training is as a result of willful defiance or childish immaturity.

Finally, here we are at the last stage of effective discipline which is Closure. Closure which has varied ways like hugging, holding or lovingly talking to the child when correction ends is a form of communicating with the child for him to know you hold no grudges against him/her but out of love you needed to effectively discipline the child by correction.

Since the bottom line is to earn effective discipline of the child and right up to the stage of self-reliance of the child when he grows older, the guiding factor of discipline therefore is love which is mammoth and thereby embedded on the parent more than a duty which he or she is often overjoyed to see the child grow up effectively self-disciplined and living up in stark radiance to the discipline with little or no co-ordination and correction.

I am so grateful for what I learned and the efforts am making and I hope sharing same helps any parents and especially singlemothers in the blogsphere.

Parents we could spare ourselves some screaming: I tried and it helps


 

I was working from home last week when I heard that sound – the ball on glass: When no scream followed to signal someone had been wounded, I said a little prayer and bolted the door to my room. I had work to finish, let them clean their mess.

Gaby eventually came to my window begging for attention to explain what happened, I said I was working and we’ll all discuss that later.

During the extraordinary meeting a few hours later, I learnt they were playing on the veranda although I have begged that they play football out of the gate on the open field just  nearby. We reviewed the situation, and this was the 6th time in just over a year they were shattering that glass. I wasn’t going to pay for it alone again.

We all agreed to contribute, each according to the heart; they all have their banks and I greatly encourage them to save. Alain has given 1500 frs, David and Gaby 500 frs each.

We then made peace as a family and I think they will learn the lesson for real this time around.

I am so grateful for all I am becoming, doing, learning and sharing.

Happy new week us all

Teaching my boys to save and manage their finances


The above picture was taken on Alain’s ( my 1st son on the right) 14th birthday last October 8th. We had been saving for months for a Chinese Buffet and it was going to be a first for them. No one took this lightly. 

They’ve their banks crafted or bought by them, and we earn points when we save more. I have mine too and it’s so fun when at the end of a month, Alain has saved more than me lol. They get money from chores, gifts, pocket allowance and gigs around. Alain gives Gaby extra lessons for a monthly fee etc.
I think it is imperative they start learning now and not later. What you think world?

Am most grateful for a renewed relationship with my Dad


Pic with dad
Chirstmas day as a family

Hello world, happy Thanksgiving. The above picture was taken on one of the last Christmases we shared as a ‘happy family’. I am next to my dad and I without doubt do not look ‘happy’. Indeed I wasn’t happy with my dad even though to all I was his ‘golden child’. I wanted him to be there for us all and not just provide food and stuffs or organize big parties and make shows like send me off to France for summer and brag about it on my return ignoring me even in the whole process.

wp-15111206417671129070471.jpegI went through a lot in my adolescence and blamed dad for pretty much. I even thought I now knew what was wrong with Dad can you believe how good I had become in finding fault with others? I finally decided the whole blame game wasn’t helping me and I better forgive him and move on. Yes, I was hopping for a hug from him and not some handshake I found ‘cold’; but could it actually be my attitude wasn’t also helping me in the whole process?

IMG-20170801-WA0012.jpg

And then I found love deep within me; and made my peace with everything and everyone including Dad of course. I begged parents to spare their children  from their fights, and then took my boys who had never visited their grandpa, to visit him and spend three great weeks with him.

I am so grateful for the healing and I finally got my Huge Hug from my daddy. Next week I go for my aunt’s burial but will spend 4 good days in my dad’s company, can you think of anything to beat that?

Wishing us all the best

Healing and Living


for my friend & I

To Heal we have to Live

To Live we have to Heal

Never heard of a dead Healing

Nor a Living not craving Healing

Healing is often letting go

Letting go of expectations

Letting go of painful emotions

Letting go of tough feelings

Letting go of unmet desires

Living is loving your life

Living is wanting to be

Living is embracing the now

Living is gratitude for the gift

Living is doing your best 

To Live therefore, we have to Heal

If we don’t Heal, we can’t be us

If we don’t Heal, we can’t embrace the now

If we don’t Heal, we can’t be grateful for the gift

If we don’t Heal, we can’t do our best

With Love and Forgiveness 

Faith and Hope

We can find inner Peace

We can Heal and Live

We can Live and Heal

***

P.S: A friend and I are going through a process, let’s call it a healing and living process. I got inspired this morning to write this down. Hope it helps someone out there

Because I am Human


Because I am human, I have feelings

Because I an human, I have thoughts

Because I am human, I seek to love

Because I am human, I seek to know

Because I am human, I want to be treated as one

Because you are human, you have feelings too

Because you are human, you have thoughts too

Because you are human, you seek to love too

Because you are human, you seek to know too

Because you are human, you want to be treated as one too

How do we humans feel?

How do we humans think?

How do we humans seek to love?

How do we humans seek to know?

How do we humans want to be treated?

I don’t know for sure about you

I only know my word and the weight I give it

I try my best not to take things personal

Steering away from assumptions

making myself clear by saying it as it is

Call that sensitive or insensitive

My attitude is all I can manage

With Inner peace as my main goal

Loving is all I seek to do

The how I learn each day

The why I sometimes don’t even know

The when is only now I have

The what is all things living

Because I am human

I am Sophisticated and other mix from my world


Advocate me
Yeah that lady you see there is said to be sophisticated

Hello world and happy weekend,

  1. I wouldn’t have blogged about being sophisticated if that remark hadn’t been thrown at me twice in two days. First on Wednesday and then on Thursday. First case was on a whatsapp forum where I wrote: ‘with all due respect I beg to disagree…’ The backlash was to me ‘complicated’. First I was told I was disrespectful (in writing the way I did – have learnt now), next I was told I was ‘jealous’ (because I said much time was wasted on a professional group wishing happy birthdays unend – like 93 messages that day was just that), and then the: ‘You are sophisticated’ – leave the group if you don’t like… Thursday another incident with an individual on whatsapp again. He write to me a second time without my name – shoots something like: ‘Hey, can we meet…’ I had already told him I find it more personal when my name is used at least in the first exchange for the day, and I had told him so the previous time we chatted… He didn’t take my gentle reminder lightly and: ‘You are sophisticad’ was dished again. So, maybe am sophisticated after all. I really don’t mind how anyone sees me because I see myself as it matters to me the most and am proud of who I am becoming big time. If sophisticated is part of the description by some – then so be it;
  2. It isn’t my business how others raise their kids, but if I have to help babysit them for a weekend, it gets into my business. You see one of my neighbours with whom I have a very cordial relationship lost her grandma and couldn’t travel with her two kids. She asked if I could have them for the weekend and I said no problem. They have slept here before and are quiet kids for their tender ages of 3.5 and 2 years respectively. Her first is a boy and the second a girl. I have observed to her because we talk alot and cross paths a lot, that I think she is clearly favouring her daughter over her son. She didn’t hide from me that he reminds her of their dad and all the pain he has/is causing her. The daughter named after her mum is clearly her baby, fondly called mama and has so much stuff more than the boy. Now when she left them, she packed lots of stuffs and a spare shoe for the girl, and the boy had just a tiny handful and no pair of shoes at all. He came in slippers while the daughter had shoes on. I am none to judge but I personally know such glaring discrepancy can take a big toll on a child’s self esteem and even make matters worse at home for the mother. I was at her back for months before she let go her style of correcting the son. She could trash some life out of him and it caused me real painful flasbacks – of course he just kept ‘fumbling’ and the cycle went on… I see a big difference in that area today;
  3. When others know you take care of them in various ways, it may be difficult for them to think you may need taking care of too…I mean even self care is viewed to them as being selfish – Yep I may be Sophisticated is that it? Since Monday last week I have been fighting inflamations on my knees and eventually right hand, but whenever I mentionned that it was quickly brushed aside like it’ll pass don’t worry and then back to their own concerns… I have therefore decided to step up my selfishness scale until I find a healthy balance. I am therefore home today, done the barest minimum for my boys and ofcourse much for myself starting with a long walk – I am starting a new book, finishing a movie and hoping to start and finish another one…

I am very grateful for my support network (quality over quantity is what makes my network so special). One of those I reached out to FOR FREE (seriously reach out to him if you need any expert assistance – and it’s all FOR FREE how big heart is that), is Doctor Jonathan Coltier who has the incredible blog: It’s all about healthy choices

Ever grateful for life, happy weekend every one