Category Archives: Marie’s Garden

This thing called Guilt


Guilt when the Gravel is slammed

Guilt when the sentence is read

Guilt when the diagnosis is pronounced

Guilt even by a mere stare

What is this thing called guilt anyway?

Guilt which lets such fear grab you

Guilt which makes you hate yourself so much

Doesn’t matter if in the end who said what

Others can make you feel guilt

But guilt can come ushered by you

And the thing with such self served guilt

It grabs and mars and makes you guilty

Such guilt can last indefinite

Any smile may just be a camouflage

The thing with this thing is queer

It cankers the mind and not the body

Hence you could be locked up and feel Nada

And yet be free and feel so guilty

It now seems to me a possibility

That this thing called guilt is in the mind

Who says what, does what, thinks what, feels what…

Shouldn’t be the final thing about this thing called guilt

You should decide what you think and do or feel and say about it

Trusting To Tell


Hello World, let’s see how this post unravels. I trust myself to tell whatever is in me, but cunningly or curriously I don’t know how to tell it this time around. I am therefore trusting the universe to inspire me to tell it as it types out, and that you my readers trust what you read or make of it.

Gladly for starters, I am in the atlantic city of Limbe where even the rain doesn’t steal its magic. I trust those who live or have visited such cities feel what I say or mean…

Now, my intention with this post is three fold:

  1. I want to share some how I got to Trust To Tell;
  2. How you can work at Trusting To Tell;
  3. Why you should work at Trusting to Tell.

The above aligned, let me start by recalling that I know deeply about this issue of Trust because I have had to face it, deal eith, been dealt by it and finally make peace with it…kindof being able to define it in each situation, review my expectations, appreciate or let go, and tell only so much or tell/do it all with no self recriminations or regrets…

To get to the above, I had to figure out how to Trust To Tell not only my story so far, but all my issue with Trust in the first place. I had to learn to Trust my ownself to tell it to myself and my face without literally pulling my hair or self harming in any way; I also had to figure out how to Trust To Tell others without Fear of their actions or reactions… To keep this part brief, I will summarize that I worked on the different issues with various professionals including a life coach and a psychotherapist and of course with myself and my God…some friends and family contributed directly or indirectly.

My journey I share so as to inspire you to work at Trusting To Tell.  We all have something we want to tell, that is human nature. Yet, if we can’t Trust, then telling is near impossible… We must be willing to be vulnerable over and again, to even anticipate hurt, I know I know this ain’t easy but what is? It is so difficult especially if we tried to trust as children and felt shut up, ignored, abused, ridiculed and etc Trust has to be accompanied by forgiveness or should I say ushered? You forgive yourself, you forgive those youvfeel took your trust for granted, and you prepare to forgive those who may do so again… That way you give yourself permission to even consider Trusting all over again…

Thirdly, we all need to Trust To Tell or else we could lose our sanity at some point. Another point I want to make is that who we Trust To Tell may be trusted for one and not for another issue and so on… It ain’t with any given formula. We also have to be prepared to trust the unknown, the in familial, the stranger because we mere mortals can’t tell who is the vessel of our Grace and  redemption. 

I trusted to tell it to the world and I trusted myself to tell it as is… I forgave myself for all, forgave any I thought had taken me and my story and life for granted, and I already forgave the world if I was going to be misunderstood, taken for granted once more etc. In the end, my Peace of Mind was my priority in my journey to Trust To Tell. I wish you same.

Shalom – dare to Trust to Tell however you figure it out and no matter how long it takes

The Ultimate Appreciation Award


The Ultimate Appreciation Award

Hello world, last week and indeed since I started blogging in November 2013, I have received so many awards, and always wondered if and when I could give out an award too. I have therefore, em unanimously, decided to give out my own created award: The Ultimate Appreciation Award to the following bloggers in appreciation of their support to my modest person both directly and indirectly during my blogging journey. Now, because I know many of their blogs are “Award Free Zones”, my award is a “Rules’ Free Award”. Your acceptance of this award via a comment in the comments section will suffice. However, if anyone of you wants to do an acceptance post and pass this on even to myself lol, feel free to do so and while at it, here are 3 questions I’ll will be honoured if you answer same:

  1. Share 1 or 2 or 3 childhood memories with us;

  2. Share 1 or 2 turning points in your life;

  3. Share some words of wisdom or otherwise about blogging as you have experienced it,

My Nominees and my why…

  1. June Whittle over at Miraculous Ladies, Divine Copywriter and Co. Junie as I fondly call her is my Jamaican Heroine in London. Indeed, she is now one of my sisters from a different mother. I have blogged about her and my visit to her serene space and yummy Goat stew and peas and all, and while you are here, check out her poetry book so soulful and her BBC Interview

  2. Dyane Leshin-Harwood over at Proudly Bi-Polar. Dyane or Lady Di as I call her, is also my captain over at Lose It. She and I have a special bond and baddass – she knows what am talking about and she is another of my heroines. Her voice was soothing and I am praying I get to visit the US and her own coast so as to ‘Redwoods bathe’ with her and in the meantime I anxiously wait for the official release of her epic memoir

  3. Pamela Spiro-Wagner over at Wagblog Dum Spiro Spero!!! I simply don’t know what to write and what to leave out about Pammy as I fondly call her. She is more than a mum to me, a soul sister and much more – she inspires me to the moon and back, read the post I did about her here and seriously visit her blog if you want to know first hand what or how someone can live with a diagnosis of schizophrenia (go through all she’s been through) for over 4 decades, and still be the author, poet, artist and all she is…

  4. Kitt O’Malley over at Kitt O’Malley. Kitt is a a strong woman in every respect. To be going what she is going through (with herself, her son’s own issues and her parents) and still holding it, while finding time every now and then to share with others either via her blog, or on ours through her likes and comments, or as a volunteer and etc, is simply put amazing. I sincerely appreciate her comments on the Gbm Blog where I hardly get any…

  5. Doctor Jonathan over at All about Healthy Choices. Since I found his blog, I appreciate life and the choices I make more. So much information, such a selfless man, and he gives advice freely if only you’d ask as simple as that. I am so grateful for the few emails we’ve had, his concern about anything health and above all his hosting me once as a guest on his awesome blog…

  6. Buffalo Tom Peabody&Team over at buffalotompeabody’s blog. His or rather their blog is the spot to unwind after a hectic day. You read maybe about the next century or decade or the reverse; the current global or rather US instigated, enhanced or quelled rigmarole and much more – em without threat of fire or fury. I sincerely wish I had more time to read this blog as often as I’d love to. However, whenever I hop by I leave with a replenished Laugh Gauge…

  7. Yvette R. Toko is my last but the not the least blogger I appreciate all the way home to Cameroon hurray. Her blog which let me to another kindred spirit is so glamorously titled – guess – bam bam bam: For the Love of Cameroon. She is a dynamic, passionate, God Fearing, oh I wish I could write down all those adjectives and more; kindly check out her book for the love of Cameroon on the Amazon

    Dear all, wishing you a happy Sunday and thanking you for your prayers and kind thought following my request of yesterday. It is improving.

Dear e-family: Please pray for my family and I


There was an accident since Wednesday; now one person in a coma since yesterday. I can’t give more details, distraught. I have faith in prayers and believe in angels. Thank you for your moral support and kind thoughts.

 

Update: 18/07/2017

The person got discharged from hospital yesterday, all is well which ends well Amen. Thank you for your moral support and kind thoughts.

And the last award for this week is a MYSTERY…



Hello World O’, how many Fridays will meet me exclaiming what a week!!! Ah life is a mystery and I am honoured to receive this really descriptive award.

Thank you once more dear Joan for nominating me, I just realized this award was twinned with the Blogger Recognition Award I accepted last day.  I love these appreciations of my ramblings and hope they are much more for my indefatiguable mental health advocacy. So here we go, I just say thank you and return to my mysterious life hahahaha

It’s Award Week: Blogger Recognition Award Hurray


 

Blogger recognition

Thank you my dearest Joan for this recognition award! You would want to hop on over to her blog …at last I get an award from a sister from the same Motherland lol and for toppings, she was crowned Ms Cameroon SA 2016…

Hm, This week is really awards week and nothing is spoiling that mood. Monday I blogged about the Gbm blog (which I run for 3 years now), awarded top 50, and now this is for me wow… I know I blush at all these awards like a novice to the convent… yes that’s me lol . ok now enough with these chirp chirp chirp: The Rules

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog 

That was paragraph 1 of this blog… bear with but with age and activities writing to my guise is gradually going out of fashion lol

2. Write a post to show your award

Ha my sister Joan, is this one too a rule when I am already doing that no matter how haphazardly or brief a post that may be?

3. Give a brief story of how you started your blog

Real rule now, oh I wish I could easily find one post in my over 750 which has such a history brief or which way was that… ok brief history  – now those are not the same thing here woman. Anyway, briefly, I wanted to keep a formal brief of my history here on earth. So much I’d been through near choking me within, so much I was still going through in as roller coaster and fun fun cum cry cry as anything, and yes so much I am looking forward to assuming and hoping I live to a brief but ripe gracious age – and so I decided to start blogging et voila…

4. Give 2 pieces of advice to new bloggers (I confess to having left out the 5th rule about nominating others etc because as I keep saying I don’t have an award hype network given my age and …)

So, The answer to the 4th rule is straight from my soul:

  1. Do your thing and click publish before you change your mind – laugh at and enjoy the ride;

  2. Read and comment on other blogs if you want to receive same, it may not be same crowd but yes Karma exists even in the blogospher.

I think Joan actually nominated me for two awards although I don’t know if both awards were to be accepted together. Out of laziness and want to accept another award over the weekend, I stop at this for now…please stay tuned…am once more so grateful and motivated to keep doing my thing dear Joan

 

Unspoken words


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Unspoken words

Those you don’t say

Those you can’t say

Those you wouldn’t say

Those you didn’t say

Those you really want to say

……………….,..

Unspoken words

Those you want me to hear

Hear straight from your heart

Hear by your stare

Hear by the feel

Feel of the hug you scared to share

…………………

Unspoken words

Sometimes the truth is in such words

The real you stuck with them

The fade you says fine

But those who have learnt

To listen from the soul

Will clearly hear words unspoken

.……………

(C) Marie Abanga 2017

P.S: written on the commute to work and dedicated to all my therapy clients

I don’t need eyes to see…


I don’t need eyes to see;

I don’t need eyes to see the pain in you!

I don’t need hands to touch;

I don’t need hands to touch the scar in you!

I don’t need ears to hear;

I don’t need ears to hear the scream you scream within!

I don’t need a mouth to taste;

I don’t need a mouth to taste all what you’ve been fed by life;

Dear … I just need you to trust;

I just need you to trust…that I feel YOU…

To trust that I don’t really need eyes to see…

(C) Marie Abanga 2017

Dedicated to the memory of Gabriel and to my 4 sons

P.S: The above poem is an apt summary of my week. Was wondering what or how to write all I have had in me/dealt with this week – another thrilling one with lots of love and lows…and the poetic inspiration came in as I walked to and fro the market. I so love it … Actually, it is a soul search and summary from me to ME, me to YOU, me to THEM, said with love, encouragement, some supplication and yes some defiance… I miss you Gaby, I didn’t know as much nor did so much back then, but I promise you I will do so much henceforth till my own time is up…

Blow – Blow – Blow – Brother of Mine


Blow with the winds

Soar with the waves

Flow with the streams

Blow through our thoughts

Blow – Blow – Blow

– – –

Blow as we wish

Blow as it is

Blow as it won’t come to be

Blow – Blow – Blow

 

(c) Marie Abanga 2017

 

On this day when you left us so heavy laden, I will be missing you most. Yet I will seek to feel you blowing throughout my day.

 

In fond memory of Gabriel Bebonbechem RIP: August 2nd 2014

 

Amen