Ain’t Got No Time To Hate

23.08.18 RA Flare is gone hurray

Go Girl, ain’t no time to waste

Hence I check out my reaction with care, thank you Mahatma

Dear ex, know it for good

Ain’t got no time to hate

You can blackmail forever

I wouldn’t live on forever

Ain’t wasting time to hate

The buttons you so pushed

When you carelessly rode

My lift up, down and round

Finally did the unthinkable

The lift broke down for real

And yet, life has to go on

Ain’t got no time to hate

Me got my lift rebuilt

Learned to service it good

No more careless riders allowed

Ain’t got no time to hate

You can disown dem all you want

You ain’t God and will never be

Me got so much I gotta do

For myself and a distance too

Do whate’r you wish with you

Pray and work harder is what I do

Ain’t got no time to hate

(C) 2018 Marie Abanga

p.s: Wow, and I mean wow…it’s been a long long while I wrote a poem, this should be the first I am writing for publishing in 2018. I mean I have moved from a searching soul to a serene soul and was getting ready to publish my serene soul collection by December, and although this poem is seemingly serene, the circumstances surrounding its composing were a bit disturbing. In a nut shell, x threatened by sms to disown sons because they refused to go with his ‘erratic plans’ this summer. He seems to have stood by his word and followed up saying he ain’t chipping a dime for their back to school. Well, thanks for the pain and inspiration – am not wasting any energy fighting – got my boys already with me and he ain’t God. So, to all in my shoes or anything similar, don’t give in to hate, that’ll eat you up…bring yourself to grieve and then steam it off…don’t give them the luxury of thinking they got you psychologically and emotionally again – Amen

I got only time for merry

and hardwork

pps: 27/08/18 Update deserved because this is a testimony that love conquers all.  The above saga played out in July and it took me 3 weeks to deal and heal and write that poem for closure. I refused to fight back in human ways, my support system was active, and I let it go. And just on this day when this scheduled poem was published, I receive what I cal a “peace truce phone call”. The balance of the kids fees and needs for the year has been paid. I looked up to the Heavens and said a silent prayer of gratitude. Ain’t got no time to hate and bear any grudges indeed. Sometimes the best fighting is done on your knees and with tears…all is well that ends well

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Because I have hit rock bottom I can…

That I die, but in the meantime I live giving it my best

I have searched until am now serene

 

Because I have hit rock bottom, I can work with those who have

Because I have been abused, I can work with those who have

Because I have been traumatized, I can work with those who have

Because I have known pain, I can work with those who have

Because I have known loss and grief, I can work with those who have

Because I have loved and hurt and cried, I can work with those who have

Because I have made poor choices in life, I can work with those who have

Because I have tried and tried and keep trying, I can work with those who have

Nothing ain’t easy, but it is so worth it to reach out

To try just one more time, to hope the next call will be it

There is help out there, though mingled in such grime

Marred by stigma, taboo and shame

But we can meet, sometimes by fate and faith

Someone who truly understands, and is willing to help us out

It sure takes patience, empathy and dare I say love

But it is possible, because: I hit rock bottom and bounced back!!!

P.S I chose purple because it signifies hope to me

If you want to get in touch or get more details about my related service, please visit my website to his effect

My Path

On my way to work 06/03/18

Looking up to Aime my surprise fotographer

I was seriously walking on my path on day 6 of my purification journey, when Aime my love surprised me with the above snaps as she came back from seeing her son off to school. I had been thinking of the words to a poem titled My Path, and so think these fotos make a good match lol

I dabbled and dabbled to Stand

Then started of

Crawling and Crawling

Before Walking and Walking

trying finding and finding

my own path

and not the path

traced for me by anyone but God

and when I started seeing and seeing

not with my eyes but with my soul

I saw a path different from theirs

whose vision near blurred my sight

what a head and heartache to have

trying to stay focused

and not ruin any chances

explaining without expecting

why a rugged not a tarred path

because that’s just the way of life

I am forever grateful and graceful

for all the awesome angels

I have met on my path

When you say…I will say…

When you say I don’t know me anymore, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say my mind is murky, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say you can’t take it no more, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say you had a miscarriage, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say you just buried a child, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say those kids drive me nuts, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say I am having a divorce, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say I left and lost everything, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say I was abused and raped, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say I want my life back, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say I really need help, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say am making progress, I will say I can imagine how you feel…

When you say thank you we did it, I will say thank you too we really did…

P.s: Excitedly looking forward to starting a new chapter of my life as a professional life coach and CBT therapist. One of coaches told me I had an impressive toolbox of personal experiences. I sure do and am grateful for those… I say the serenity prayer now more than ever…I see where all this is heading to…My long term goal with all this is to open ‘Marie’s Healing Home for inner peace’

No longer playing pretend

 

 

If at 3 I knew no better than play pretend

By 9 I knew fully well I played pretend

But put 3 and 9 together

At 39 I definitely can’t continue

Playing pretend like I don’t know

It’s now far past my age and circumstance

I mean if I keep playing pretend now

Can you imagine if 93 meets me here

What a rigmarole and sheer ridicule

like I learnt nothing from life all along

Nope I now know better

for my sanity and hollistic wellbeing

I need to stop any play or semblance of

Say it as it is, do it as I say, love it as it comes

learn and love and live full cycle

Playing Pretend was just a game

I can’t turn that into reality

That will mean wearing a smile and towing the line

The unconventional in me cries fowl

Hence am no longer playing pretend

Walking My Fine Thin Rope with Grace

Oh – Hail me silently

Lest your murmurs, distract from my goal

That of walking with balance

The fine thin rope of my life

I jigsaw emotionally and mentally

Before stepping on my fine thin rope

Victory is not my ambition

Loving each parent is my heart’s desire

And my siblings of course

As for my sons

I let them know with their rising suns

That my lot in life has been thick and thin

Fine, not so Fine and Finer

It takes a lot of practice and peserverance

Sizing up and sizing down

Giving and receiving 

to and from all including

From fellow fine thin rope walkers

Fortunately my boots are freely given

The Master himself ordaineth

Awareness and forgiveness and Grace

Of course some self love in abundance

And for the world out of his bountiful barn

All that helps my indefinite walk

On this fine thin rope of my life

With Gratitude and Grace

 

p.s: Concluding one of my most meh cum yum yum weeks so far lol. I have yawned this week more than in the last months of 2017 I must confess. Currently yawning even

Have an awesome weekend everyone, looking forward to spending saturday with my first grandson (can you believe that) 

 and then some awesome awards are on the way – all so awesome yeah!!!

Insomnia I’ll wait you out

I am so happy to receive this today of all days

Dear Insomnia

You may seem to record a small victory today

Am up since 10:53 having slept dutifuly by 9.15 pm

I don’t know for how long we’ll stay awake today

Yesterday we admired each other for 3 hours 

Then I got a 5th hour of sleep

I near blew my trumpet then

Not knowing you were taking note

Changing strategy and re-strategizing

Increasing the AC temp until I can’t

I have to decamp to a lonely corner

Nah you wouldn’t let me be

Repeat of August 2014

When my darling Gaby went on

This time I know better

I wouldn’t only spy on you like a hawk

I will wait you out with camomile

First thing tomorrow morning 

I get myself that and more

You aint having any final word

See what I got from Diane in the picture?

But ugly and mean you

With nothing to offer but mind muggles

Plus body bashing head, eyes, back

I give you three more days

To try your best and leave

Because dear Insomnia

I am ready to wait you out

Spying On each other like hawks

We spy on each other like hawks

Preying and praying to make the first catch

We circle around each other’s psychic

We seem to know each other intimate

I need her up with me he goes

I need him down with me I go

From 11:11 last night to 1:48 tonight

The involuntary vigil start hours have improved

From a mere 2 hours of sleep last night

To a big 4 hours of sleep this night

That’s some progress worth logging

Hope the mono-vigil don’t last so long

Got to wake at 4 for meditation

Not that am asleep as I write

For he nags me to write for some respite

Don’t want to be friends with him for real

Even if the dang AC is on for a change

I don’t do well with that either

May as well go fix me some hot cocoa

I’ll be back to keep watch

We’ll spy on each other like hawks 

Any time anywhere

This too are born of some

Not funny dynamics & gymnastics

Preying and praying to make the first catch

P.s: from a very terrified me last night to a serene me this night. I watch this seemingly natural occurrence, where in the midst of change of routine, grief and some more, sleep is affected and it’s ok to watch the process. Maybe taming it with some hot cocoa and writing can help for real.

Dynamics & Gymnastics

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

I need to let you in

To the dynamics & gymnastics

That troll your friend

And can make/mar her life

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

The dynamics & gymnastics

Are from external & internal

Forces I can & can’t control

Maybe you heard about dem words

Used in physics or logic

Schools or sports

Think of a body & mind 

In their place

Then imagine how they go

Dynamics & gymnastics

This way & that way

Peace & please

Act up or shut up

To be forewarned is to be forearmed

P.s: poem written at 1.20 am – been thrashing aroumd simce 11:11 pm. Ome of those nights where dynamics & gymnastics are in place. Trolling me around. But am braving this because I have braved some before. I can at least identify some issues and will see my therapist during the day before I go to mum’s ahead of granny’s fumeral.

Scheduling this poem just because the respite I think is in the writing it and not the clicking publish

Wishing us all the best 

Please let me be (Ushering in the New Year with a call for inclusion and empathy )

Please let me be

for the world

Please let me be queer

let me be queer it’s my life

be all the regular I don’t care

Please let me be a misfit

I am done trying to fit

You can do all the fit in I don’t care

I come from a broken home

I now lead a broken home

keep your fixed home

He cries mama

she teased my papa is gay

And so what I ask?

gay means happy

why be any judge?

and then go to church?

sing unconditional love

and love so conditionally?

They call me a rascal because I love pascal

he is such a friend

we trust each other so

sinners you say?

who did HE come for?

Winners they who followed HIM

Shabby may be the dress code

merry the constant mode

you can care for your body

I’ll care for my mind

I envy you not

spare your nod

Please let me be

(c) 2017 Marie Abanga