Hence I check out my reaction with care, thank you Mahatma
Dear ex, know it for good
Ain’t got no time to hate
You can blackmail forever
I wouldn’t live on forever
Ain’t wasting time to hate
The buttons you so pushed
When you carelessly rode
My lift up, down and round
Finally did the unthinkable
The lift broke down for real
And yet, life has to go on
Ain’t got no time to hate
Me got my lift rebuilt
Learned to service it good
No more careless riders allowed
Ain’t got no time to hate
You can disown dem all you want
You ain’t God and will never be
Me got so much I gotta do
For myself and a distance too
Do whate’r you wish with you
Pray and work harder is what I do
Ain’t got no time to hate
(C) 2018 Marie Abanga
p.s: Wow, and I mean wow…it’s been a long long while I wrote a poem, this should be the first I am writing for publishing in 2018. I mean I have moved from a searching soul to a serene soul and was getting ready to publish my serene soul collection by December, and although this poem is seemingly serene, the circumstances surrounding its composing were a bit disturbing. In a nut shell, x threatened by sms to disown sons because they refused to go with his ‘erratic plans’ this summer. He seems to have stood by his word and followed up saying he ain’t chipping a dime for their back to school. Well, thanks for the pain and inspiration – am not wasting any energy fighting – got my boys already with me and he ain’t God. So, to all in my shoes or anything similar, don’t give in to hate, that’ll eat you up…bring yourself to grieve and then steam it off…don’t give them the luxury of thinking they got you psychologically and emotionally again – Amen
I got only time for merry
pps: 27/08/18 Update deserved because this is a testimony that love conquers all. The above saga played out in July and it took me 3 weeks to deal and heal and write that poem for closure. I refused to fight back in human ways, my support system was active, and I let it go. And just on this day when this scheduled poem was published, I receive what I cal a “peace truce phone call”. The balance of the kids fees and needs for the year has been paid. I looked up to the Heavens and said a silent prayer of gratitude. Ain’t got no time to hate and bear any grudges indeed. Sometimes the best fighting is done on your knees and with tears…all is well that ends well
1) On the day (Wed 27th June) this blog title came to my mind, I was on the way to the hospital to get the results of the inflammation that had rocked my eye for a couple of months now. I was dressed the way you see because I was leaving home very early to catch the first bus to the other city where I had run the tests. I had been told it could be a tumour or some serious allergies. By faith I acclaimed the allergies before leaving the house, and allergies they were. I am rounding up the last treatment for that and it is only getting better;
2) I am happy because I am so in tune with my all these days, I feel my feelings and face my fears. Seriously, never have been this happy. I can unapologetically feel any emotions which come along, then deal and heal or heal and deal whichever my spirit guides me to doing; oh I even help others too as a psychotherapist and this is huge for me; I recently handled a massive breakup like the pro I am lol and the above picture was taken the very next morning post breakup;
3) I work hard, cry hard, pray hard, enjoy hard, relax hard and in short I try to be the Best version of myself. It is oh so sublime.
And so dear gentle readers and followers, if you are happy and you know it, why not share some in the comments please?
P.S: I will happily honour Barakah’s invitation tonight with a sublime white dress – at last I got somewhere to launch the gift I got myself for completing my 70 days spiritual journey, all to the Glory of God…and before then,
in the afternoon I will be a guest on a TV and Radio show aptly titled: Matters at Stake and Therapy respectively. I will be sharing my experience on parenting and other matters at stake including mental health and how to help… now all these from within and without make and keep me happy…
Next steps: Go home after Barakah’s event; catch some sleep and leave for Yaounde early am for the leading ladies conference…how happier can I be right now? Vacation is calling my name, and you?
Talking about gifts world, I recall already getting this award last year for my birthday, but men when a wonderful guy nominates you for an award and you are top on his list, you could feed 5t’ little lousy ego of yours some right?
So, for your generosity and sincerity in nominating modest me once more for this highly coveted award, I want to heartily thank my inspirational blogger pall Mr G over at Gratitude4Gratitude.
What is the Mystery Blogger Award?
“Mystery Blogger Award” is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.
– Okoto Enigma
1 – Thank whoever nominated you and include link to their blog: Done
2 – Tell your readers three things about yourself: Done
3 – Nominate 10-20 bloggers you feel deserve the award: Sorry but I pass
4 – Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog: Sorry but I pass
5 – Ask your nominees 5 questions of your choice with one weird or funny one: Sorry but I pass
Three Things You Should Know About Me: Shamefully copied from last year lol but still valid tbt
I decided in May 2011 to speak my truth henceforth regardless of the price – so far so good though it sure costs a lot sometimes;
My boys and my cat keep me going above all else – I hardly can hold down any anger in their presence;
I am a hopeless passionate and romantic girl, sometimes I just don’t wanna get too close to any situation which may warrant my being me
5 questions from G
1 – Was there a turning point in your life? If so when?
Yes there was: Super turning point in my life was when I failed miserably in my attempt to commit suicide back in 2008. I knew there was going to be a way out even if I could not see that way yet.
2 – What’s the most important lesson you’ve learnt?
That the Will of God cannot take me where the Grace of God cannot keep me; that as long as am here, I’ve got to keep living trying my best and inspiring others along the way.
3 – What are you grateful for today? Today, I am grateful for my breath
4 – Where are you right this second?
I am sleeping, this is a scheduled post so it goes live while I snore – gives me the thrill hahaha
5 – What’s the strangest thing you enjoy?
I enjoy snake meat although I can only recall eating it once when my dad gave me some. To me, it was better than chicken and that is something.
p.s: So dear G, there you go. I am grateful you thought of this old gal. I try my best to do these award acceptance posts in appreciation for the effort taken in nominating me and putting the questions together. Answering them also serve as a review of my life’s troops lol – and who knows what new thing may be in the dark wardrobe hahaha
Hmm, that picture was taken on the day my ego and body conceded defeat at exactly 3am. I looked at the time when the thought crossed my mind that ‘this is it for your ego and body’.
I was recently on a spiritual journey of some length, and indeed pressure was not only coming from the outside to give up you know. My ego and body were spearheading the naysayers. Let’s start with fella ego shall we?
Are you sure you can do this?
Nobody asked me the above question out rightly except fella ego. I quickly ignored him and set about with my preparations, mainly emotional and spiritual, then telling my entourage (especially the boys you know). But you know fella e, he lies in wait and pops again even in your sleep. Anyway, it’s all come to pass and I did it…big time and all the way…
What will people say?
Both fella e and the fella Es of a few ‘concerned’, asked me the above a few times. What if they say you are sick, be it physical or mental you know. What if they shun your services and you can’t survive like that anyway, what if, what if!!! I decided to write an official I need no one to believe in me post here on my blog to take care of that once and for all…
You are losing far too much weight and your health too you know
I should be weighing 70/71kgs which is 4kgs below my ideal although my ideal for BMI is 73kg. So what is the alarm? Yes I had some mild health challenges with an inflamed eye which all but shut down and some equally mild RA flares lasting 3 days each, but I mean spiritual journey or not, that could happen. So no all fella Es, the spiritual journey wasn’t going to be stopped. I took several different meds and products for the eye thanks to misdiagnosis, but thank God none was to be taken during the day nor mandatory with food – sorry this approach too didn’t work. I even told my GA when that eye started that it was but a distraction
Give them a piece of your mind like the real you would back in the days
At the start of stage 4, I faced what I will call the most emotional challenge I had ever faced since starting the journey. Fella E nagged at me to give it a piece of my mind and abandon the spiritual journey if it’ll cool tempers and let ‘peace reign’. Well, prima, I listened to my spirit and waited 7 days before giving a piece of my serene mind, and then when the challenge continued I shut down emotionally and said I felt that was the best option for this stage (turned out to be one of Grace – and that was the best decision I made from every indication). You see fella E, you don’t know any real me and you can’t lure me with any of your trapings. I wouldn’t even bother to give you any piece of my mind – let me address your sister body now
A nagging swollen eye
It started like a joke on the 26th of February. I quickly felt in my spirit that was going to accompany me through out the spiritual journey and although it will be a distraction so no ‘unwanted’ questions are asked about the spiritual journey itself, it turned out to attract a lot of attention. I decided from the very beginning to deflate my ego by baptizing the eye “our healing eye”. I told God it was “our eye” and He knew how much we needed that eye. I however told Him what my spirit told me which I know He was aware of, the swelling or inflammation was a distraction and I treated it as such, stopping barely to sleep at night.
nursing healing eye with soothing aloe vera steeped cotton pads, then cucumbers etc (30.03.18)
In court with another dynamic colleague and her son
I went about my activities and took up riding the bicycle the more inflamed it got. I read An American Marriage the weekend the eye got to its worst (48hrs to finish that epic novel because I got it from a sister who brought same from the US and was yet to even read the cover)… the eye got its final dose of healing on the 13th of May 2018 and that was another exciting chapter closed in that thrilling journey.
Tiredness and Sour Mouth
The last ditch from my body to get me to stop this just ended awesome spiritual journey was to threaten to breakdown. The last week in particular was spectacular. My sleep was literally messed up. Sleep 8.30 pm – 2.27 am and then toss around with some REM sleep for maybe 30-45mins and then give up – and then embarrassingly nod off occasionally during the day on the spur. Three days after it started, while meditating, I got the aha, that is the last attempt. Even the sour mouth which I thought was due to meds was rather intensifying although no longer on meds. Well, I slept much better today and the sour mouth is getting better.
And so dear all, that in a nutshell is how my Ego and Body disturbed and and got a big bashful beating. The spirit was so willing to the point that no weak flesh could deter it.
Be inspired and motivated someone, hope you are enjoying the weekend like I am doing lol
I dream about my brother last night! Although I already knew my results seeing this diploma takes my thrill to another level. Today has been a tough day, this diploma in my hands, with my first distinction ever clearly written on it, oh my – I know Gabriel would have been so proud of his ‘mama Ayo’ as he called me. Those 18 months we spent together in that room and all we went through each in our own traumatic way, have helped me have all the empathy I can to want to help as much as I can.
Ever so grateful too to you all my gentle readers and followers
Have a great weekend, I can now leave for a night over a mum’s
I am still dabbling with my different grooves; but I could tell from the work out rhythm this morning, they are coming up slowly but surely.
I was therefore very delighted to read the following in my email like 2 days ago:
I have read your two books, “My Brother’s Journey From Genius To Simpleton” and “My Unconventional Loves.” Equally I just visited your website a few minutes ago, and the Gabriel Bebonbechem Foundation’s website, though I’ve not read much from there yet, but will do so subsequently.
I thought of writing to you because you are indeed an inspiration. When one takes a move to “Make their mess a message” and their “Test a testimony”, it’s an eye opener for others who have faced such similar situations and have withdrawn from the society to stand tall and rather help others with their past experiences. I was moved by the sincere stories in your memoir-book, that I had to give others to read too.
Please continue writing, blogging and speaking too. I believe that just like it did for me, the book will be an inspiration for others too, and a guide book to watch the things they do in life.
And oh, Gabby’s story was so sad, pitiful and… I don’t know how to describe it. The story made me cry, most especially because of the negligence given to epileptics. It was a good initiative creating a memorial foundation to take care of epileptic and mental patients. Please permit me say as a youth, I work with a little initiative called Child Enrichment As Future Leaders with the vision of empowering children, youths and the underprivileged. In our own little way, we can always support the foundation’s efforts and partner in carrying out activities.
A little about me-My name is Che Herbert Ambesi, a Level 300 student in the University of Buea reading Accounting. I love reading inspirational books, novels, plays and Christian literature, and I write a little too. Particularly concerned about the needs of youths and the civil society, I blog about success on cheambe.wordpress.com (Ambe’s Diary), and work with Child Enrichment As Future Leaders (CEAFL), a start up which was initiated by a female friend and class mate of mine two years ago, to see how we can in our own little way contribute to the society (I currently serve as President).
Madam, you are my role model. Keep inspiring!
Happy New Year in arrears,
P.s: Kindly if you can, visit his blog and show some encouragement. He has like half a dozen posts and few comments too lol. He is full of potential and at this rate he’ll sure be up to all he sets out to do. I have replied and I think he is yet to get to his emails because internet especially in that region is a luxury. Hence am all the more delighted to read his email.
Get the Message: Not the Messenger: Clean the Mess!!!
I was excited to get a copy of this book because yes I am a woman, an admirer of HRC but above all a global citizen interested in political science and curious to know ‘what happens’. By virtue of my profession as a lawyer, and all other work I do for human, women and mental health rights, I will proceed to review this book which was a cathartic read to be honest. Not being an American (nor involved in any gerrymandering or etc) gives me the audacity to title my review as I do. I have therefore divided my review into three sections respectively and I will conclude with a probably more audacious stance. Spoiler: Message not in any EMAILS!!!
1) Get the Message
I would have been disappointed if the only message I got from this book was about what happened during the 2016 sagacious presidential election in the USA. I am therefore appreciative of the fact that the book is about what happened before, during and after not only the elections but also what happened and happens to HRC – and well the USA. The book is not titled say ‘what happened that I lost in 2016’ …
The message or should I say messages HRC share in her book are therefore about her, the campaign and elections saga, and the country as a whole. I keep likening what I think of the US now to a person who has fallen from such Grace to Grass. HRC in her usual candour which I have appreciated all along reading her various books, sounds the clarion call, pointing fingers to all including herself. Putin may not like her, Trump may not (obviously), ‘Little Rocket Man’ too, the Republicans without doubt, even some Democrats presumably, but the message has to be given and just like other great messengers in the world (Start maybe from Jesus, Mahatma Ghandi, MLK, Malcom X, Mandela, you name them I mean even Barack Obama), HRC ( a brave woman for a change) had no choice but to follow that inner nudge and deliver the message (s) in this book.
2) Not the Messenger
I think the world or to be more honest the US, has held HRC to an unreasonably terrifying standard while at the same time expecting her to just ‘disappear’. No doubt HRC was the candidate and should, and in my candid opinion does take a lot of responsibility, she is not the reason the country is in such chaos. She is a messenger sent bearing a torch under a scorching scrutiny, and facing immense challenges and sabotage from different angles it could only take Amazing Grace to see her through it all (had she ended up in an asylum or in Jail maybe there would have been more ‘celebration’?).
Yet truth be told, the records she has set not only as the first female presidential nominee of one of the great parties in that country, but also in her long and impact full public service to the country and the world at large, will in another country probably grant her immunity from whatever, for life, period. It is therefore shameful and dare say embarrassing that several other reviews I have read, and some media outlets take pleasure in trying further ‘character or emotional assassination’ of HRC. Hold up USA, you seem not to know the gem you have in HRC the messenger. She is just a human being for crying out loud but the choices she has made and the message she delivering in this book should not be overlooked because someone in the Oval office or somewhere doesn’t like her face, voice, shape, sight etc.
3) Clean the Mess
In this book, I gather and undeniably think that the country is in a mess. I mean blame it on HRC and the Clintons if you want, blame on Barrack and the Obamas, on the democrats maybe, blame it on Russia if you are bold enough to follow through with your investigations – that is if it is already obvious blaming the Republicans too right?, I can even blame my US Buddy who keeps putting up those blogs posts with such alien like updates! The bottom line is: The great Super Duper US of A is currently in a mess and I recently said they had become “a global embarrassment and case study”. Seriously some real cleaning has to be done because it ain’t wrong to fall, but it’s appalling to stay down when you know how to get up!!!
Read this book and think about the solutions HRC proposes, take it or leave she has painfully and graciously delivered the message. Take it or leave she deserves a medal (the highest honour that exists in your country). Take it or leave HRC is your modern day Eleanor Rooselvelt (No doubt she finds such inspiration from this exceptional icon). I am glad that HRC did not choose to FOLD IT ALL AND RUN but to FACE IT ALL AND RISE after she lost the presidential elections (that may have deprived Charlotte and Aidan of their awesome grandma just too soon), and that she has pulled herself back together and is continuing to do all the good she can as seen in the creation of ‘Onward Together’.
Thank you so much HRC you have inspired so many young girls and women the world over you can’t imagine. I was hoping you’ll be the Ellen Sirleaf of the US but I think the country wasn’t ready for you. You were not angry enough, resentful enough, nasty enough, persistent enough, bashful enough, elite enough, middle class enough, poor enough; you were over educated, over composed, dreamt too much, nodded too much, spoke too much, spoke too little, smiled too much, wore blank suits all the time, had friends from Kindergarten and couldn’t even fire a single campaign manager… I can go on and on and on…
In the meantime, I cling on to the T-Shirt of Madame President which I bought and had dhl-ed to me. One day hopefully before my time here below is up, I’ll clap when that utmost glass ceiling is shattered once and for all. HRC didn’t let me down, she showed me the way and she keeps striving with humility, persistence, modesty and love. Americans do yourself some service and read this book – I give it a 5 star without reservation!!!
Hello World, that is my first son Alain (for those just hopping on my blog). He turned 14 years last october 8th and we went to a Chinese Buffet for a first time – they (all 3 boys I have) had a great time.
Now, Alain is in form 3, I guess middle high in the US or so. Recently, when writing about experiences I had in his brother’s school with two teachers, I also mentionned some I had in his own school over some grade scores he had been removed for some reason I couldn’t understand. He is a very hardworking student, has always been on honour’s roll since primary school and takes a lot of pride in his performance – of course I do too although I try to make him not put so much pressure on himself. One of his teachers gave him a 2/8 in a question because he forgot an element, and yet his friend who gave same illustration forgetting same element got a 6/8. When he went up to ask the teacher showing his friend’s paper, his two marks were substracted and added to this friend’s.
Of course I marched to that school the next day and spoke with the proprietor and dean of studies. I was assured the grades will be reviewed. Ha same afternoon, he comes back home with another paper taught by the same teacher where he gets 3 answers marked wrong which I know are correct. I am getting itchy and go back to the school the next day. The teacher whom I don’t see, had told the dean the previous day Alain was rude in his approach to asking about his paper, and he left out some words (critical to a complete answer it sems) and actually …… I left the new paper and requested for a meeting with this teacher and the dean.
The meeting was arranged for last friday at 7.30 am and I was there of course 15 minutes ahead. I explained the situation again, said my concern was in teacher/student relationship which appeared to still be one of ‘teacher knows it all’ (Alain told me he was adviced by the dean to stop ‘challenging’ his teachers). I said at home I didn’t know it all and we ran the home as a team and I told them I was sorry when at fault. The teacher gave his own explanations; and well all is well that ends well.
Some relationship dynamics have changed over the past century and one of these is students/lectuers or teacher etc. Back home, it may still be a big challenge finding a balance and even letting parents in (in his school PTA’s are once a year only – imagine that) and hmm some parents simply don’t even want to know or be involved anyway.
I therefore advocate that students/pupils be let to express themselves and taught from a young age how to do so politely (I however doubt Alain was rude – teacher may just have been embarassed he even came up to him in class and brought along a friend’s paper and well in our schools you may not see a teacher after class hours because they teach and go unless they have another class after a while and you are also out of class you know). Students also get a bost by their parents’ involvment and their teachers taking them as human beings and not just people to be taught sort of.
Finally, Alain got his marks reinstated and got good grades overall for this first sequence (he feels slighted he was second in class -but that’s ok by me).
Sharing to inspire parents and advocates, it ain’t easy but often it is worth it.
Oh am just seeing how much her top blends with the book cover
Yesterday, Dyane was telling us about the most difficult chapter she wrote. We continue from here:
How did you deal with that?
I had to take plenty of breaks from writing the “One Pill Can Kill” chapter, which helped a lot.
Did you learn anything from writing your memoir and what was it? I learned that I was stronger and more disciplined than I thought I ever could be, and I found those things out relatively late in life (my mid 40’s) which goes to show that late blooming (in terms of achieving our lifelong dreams) is possible!
How long did it take you to ‘give birth’ to the memoir we would very soon be seeing on the shelves? Ten years! And they seemed like dog years!
4) The Message
Do you have any advice for other memoir writers especially those living with a mental illness? Surround yourself with those who believe in you and your writing. Find a writing mentor if you can! One thing I wish I had done years ago was join the National Association for Memoir Writers (NAMW) because they have a ton of support and advice for memoir writers – really incredible resources! They also have membership sales twice a year and you can email them to find out when they are. You may also be able to work out a payment plan with them I believe – I paid less than $100 to join, which was still a big deal for my budget, but it was completely worth it. In terms of mental health, if you’re going through a rough path, allow yourself to take weeks, months, even years off if you need to. I took lengthy breaks – I had to – and that’s why it took me so long to get the book done. But what comes first is mental stability.
Was it easy to get a book deal and how did you fare in the negotiations if we may pry? I wish I could say I had an agent because many people don’t think you’re a “real” writer unless you have an agent. That is no longer the case. There are many more publishers nowadays that accept manuscripts directly from the authors, which is wonderful. But what I did have was a generous friend who knew one of the publishers at Post Hill Press. She enthusiastically recommended my proposal to him; he reviewed it and ultimately he offered me a contract. Before he worked at Post Hill Press, he worked at “Big Five” publishers for many years in high positions, so I felt pretty great that he believed in my proposal.
Any other writing projects, blogging, support groups, etc? For now I’m promoting the book and giving talks to perinatal mental health and bipolar groups in the Bay Area. I’m also getting into the world of podcasting, as you know! I really enjoy it! To hear my first podcast please go to Dr. Katayune Kaeni’s “Mom and Mind” website – and find that righthere:
My second podcast is on Podcast One’s “Mind Full” program with mental health advocates Alisha Perkins and Colleen Lindstrom. I let myself loose on that episode, so kindly check it out here:
3. Where will your memoir be found, and any book tours already scheduled? You can buy my memoir on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, R Kobo and iBooks. Thank you so much, Marie, for giving me this opportunity to share my experience with your followers, I will definitely update you with any book tours I have.
Thank you very much Lady Dyane my heroine for answering our questions. We hope to stay informed of different updates with your projects.