1 Whole Week 4 just David & I


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That was in David’s School

Hello world,

Wow I just spent a whole week with David.

David is my Shepard; David is my King; David is my gentleman. David opens the door for me, David likes insisting on the dinning table: ‘after you mama’ and when I ask why he’ll say because it is ‘ladies before gentlemen’. I don’t want to bother his young and fresh mind on what sometimes goes on in the ‘bigger world’. David is my second son aged 10, and he didn’t have an Easter Break per-se because they in final year of primary school had preparatory classes in school daily from 8-12 pm.

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Those particular shorts of his I have begged to have them given me to fix but nada

And so hmm, that is how David and I came to have a whole week to ourselves at home. I had left his 2 brothers in Buea when I went there to savour Dyane’s epic memoir. Ok, my plan had been to send the three of them to Buea for the Easter break before I knew David wasn’t going to have a break. Now, during the first week of that break, Alain had opthalmologist appointments and now wears glasses, and Gaby the star had a tummy rumble and a wound under his foot which he picked up from one of his many adventures in the neighborhood barefeet of course – oh poor me.

With David, you talk less, do more,  and appreciate silence and art more than all. He loves , cooking, drawing or watching one comic or the other. He also has a like minded friend in the neighborhood who goes to his school too. They often hole up in our home after school and draw all those characters they see.

I made it a point to have dinner with David everyday and to help him with any assignments. I thought of what else to do with David, and realized I could start by walking with him to his school. The last time I had walked with them (Gaby is in that school too), was at least 2 months ago and that was a quick dash.  

Last Thursday therefore, althought having a hectic day ahead, I decided to walk with David to school. We walked mostly silently, enjoying the breeze and birds chirping , with me making not so successful attempts at conversation. Yet, David was smiling all the way and I later realized he was just happy to have me all to himself and walking with him to his school. When we got there, he asked me to buy him something to eat (we hadn’t had breakfast before leaving, happens sometimes). I also decided to have whatever he opted for so as to taste for myself what they eat in school.

David was so happy he became talkative, introduced near his entire class to me and then em – wished me to enjoy my meal. He wanted to go on with his friends now.  My entire day was set to be yummy, nothing could wipe the sweet memory of our walk to school and his joy at introducing his mates to me.

A walk and a sandwich was all it took this day. When I asked David on the eve of his brothers’ return while we had our last quiet dinner together,  what he liked most about our ‘home alone’ days, he said the best thing was my walking with him to his school that day, and my not being so stressed out the entire week.

Oh these kids, not only do they notice but they also have their own peculiar benchmarks. Alain the first will shrink if I offer to walk with him to his school for example, and Gaby the last will not be bothered. No I think he will find my presence by his side restraining since he plays as he walks and stones play with him too.

All in all, although I had hoped to have this Easter break to myself, I have a book I started writing in January and am not finding time to write, I am grateful for what I got – a whole week to bond with David.

If life doesn’t always turn out the way you want, turn yourself out to make the most of it. 

Have you ever had to go out of town just to savour a book? Introducing Birth of a New Brain by Dyane Leshin-Harwood


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My kindle and I, my kindle & I… oh what a wonderful treasure…

Dear world, last week while on a brief blogging break, I was excited to receive the ARC (Advanced review copy) of my lady Dyane’s forthcoming memoir. I got it in my email on Wednesday night, and tried to start reading it on Thursday. With the boys ha, I can’t find the time to read at home so I read on the go as in when stuck in traffic. But when the book you browse promises to be one so full and pregnant with ‘stuff’, men you have to go find some cool place to savour that book. I was fortunate to have a trip planned for the next day although I wasn’t so decided yet. Well, that book sealed it for me. Whatever thing I had planned to do during that trip was going to take second stage because I had to savour that book and finish it before or else…

I am going to be very honest with you, not because I know Dyane online, but because I laughed so much while reading that book – I just want to recommend it to you before I even tell you more. I am going to do three posts on that epic memoir just to tell you how much it got into me…

In this first post, I’ll share the pictures of my reading cocoon and the beauty of the day even when I got back to the home I was hosted in with the boys. In my next post on this memoir, I will share the reasons (not related to the main topic of the memoir) which make me advice you to get the memoir. The third post on this memoir will be focused on my review of the main topic of the memoir which is “mental illness” – “Postpartum Bipolar disorder” in Dyane’s case. Thank you already so much Dyane for loving and trusting me enough to send me an ARC of your epic memoir. My hats off to you after all you’ve been through and still go through, to find it in you to finally write this memoir and in that style. Reading truly takes me roaming & roving

Dyane Harwood’s memoir Birth of a New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder with a foreword by Dr. Carol Henshaw (co-author of The Modern Management of Perinatal Psychiatry) will be published by Post Hill Press on October 10th.

It’s available for paperback pre-sales on Amazon at this link – Kindle pre-sales arriving this summer!

And the boys also got a blast at our host, a highschool friend of mum’s whose husband and her are befittingly called Papa and Mami by my siblings and I. The boys call Mami, Icecream Grandma because she has a big icecream venture. They negotiate to visit there at least 3 times a year. Look at the pictures:

Ain’t all that wonderful? It was a well deserved break for me afterall, Dyane’s epic memoir topped it all for me… I am so grateful.

Wishing us all a happy and cozy week ahead

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An official BBB 4 me at this point


Hiya my gentle readers and followers,

I have decided to take a BBB… OHh a brief blogging break.

My last few posts have surely revealed some about my current state of mind and matter, and so a break is highly needed. I wish I could travel for some much needed me moments. But Nada, not especially for a single mom of 3 boys with one of them not going on any Easter break because well he is in an ‘examination’ class.

Am just taking a BBB from writing, not reading and commenting. I think something like 7 or 10 days you know. I plan to blog daily in May which is Mental Health Awareness Month and so yes I need to get my grove back sooner than later.

So, see you over at your blogs…

Have a great week aheas

Near two tough weeks: Grateful for a reachout from Kenya


This is a zig zag post, beating myself to write. Scared am losing my blogging zeal, thanks to some real tough times for almost two weeks now.

My last two posts of last Friday and Monday this weeks were equally sketchy and soulful. Indeed, the two before those were on ‘achievements’ and ‘allegations I took the easy way out’. Don’t even have energy to link those.

One big ray of cheer came last weekend from a guy in Kenya who wanted to get two copies of one my books. Amazon doesn’t mail there, he had to pay me first and then I ordered the books to be delivered to the US from where they’ll be mailed out to him. ‘Too much Trouble’? I learnt so much from that experience and really appreciate that reach out.

One thing trying to keep me sane so far is sports, and yes my boys and all their buzz, and a few others  – the campaign for my late brother’s foundation is ok on my mind though lot of pressure comes from there too…

Let me not bore you more – glad I did write this – a way to face my demons and not flee from them – and I know such times shall come to pass in my Almighty Father’s name Amen

Have a nice weekend

Why expect gratitude which you find so hard to show?


The Greates virtue
as tough as other virtues to achieve

Hello world,

Sometimes it is difficult for me to articulate a post; and well I just go with my spirit. Last friday I was faced with one of such posts, and today again here comes another.

I have written a few posts on gratitude; and I end each day I can with enteries into my gratitude journal. It’s made such a tremendous impact in my life. I learnt that from Oprah.

So when someone wondered if they were being acknowledged enough, I quickly recalled pondering at their own lack of appreciation I had personally witnessed on some ocassions.

What goes around comes around. When you can’t bring yourself to say thank you, why expect someone else can? When you can’t be grateful for life and being alive, why expect life to be grateful to have you alive? You’ll find it difficult to live on and that’s just what you’ll keep noticing – the frustrations and adversities.

I am grateful to be alive and to get a second chance at life – seven years into what I call my bonus. I seize all opportunities to show gratitude and I don’t expect it in return  – yet get it too so much…

I want to share how moved I was to read a post by Talasi Guerra who struggles from several issues and yet could still be grateful for life – after yet another difficult night.

Wishing us all lots of reflections this week, some bliss and wow moments full of gratitude

Gratitude post by Maya
Wow, I had never come across this quote by dearest Maya

I hate you: Please don’t leave me…


I hate and love you

Who identifies with such? I sincerely don’t know how to go about writing this post. Maybe this other picture can say some more:

hate and love how boderline

And sometimes, no matter how much we try or wish, we can’t even hug nor punch…

Do you feel a victim? Then this picture can help maybe? :

being happy with yourself

 

Reminds me of my post on where my peace comes from

Are you a propagator? I mean are you a narcissistic with a boderline personality and co? These are all mental illnesses and some help can be found if only you seek it in all genuiness.

If we don’t stop the cycle at some point be it as victims or propagators, then that is enabling and keeping the generations chained in that trauma. A hurt soul can only hurt another soul – until one finds light, love, peace and happiness through Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance; Self-Love; Self-Help; Self-Care … the brokeness continues

Some reflections from my searching soul… have a warm weekend

Some say I took the easy way out: really?


easy way out

Hello world,

This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.

Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.

The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.

I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.

Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.

I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?

Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.

  1. I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
  2. I published another memoir on my brother’s journey with a mental illness as if his having epilepsy wasn’t ‘stigma and shame’ enough!;
  3. I admitted to being a victim and propagator of domestic abuse in yet another unconventional memoir!
  4. And then bam, I published my own personal journey with mental challenges!!!
  5. Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!

So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going  to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?

Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:

  1. A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
  2. ‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
  3. Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
  4. Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
  5. And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
  6. The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…

So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;

DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?

 If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?

I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes

I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;

Have a great mid week o

Easy way out quote

What do you measure achievements by???


The dreaded mumps of 5 days ago are all gone

I am sitting as you can see from the above picture ( I just learned how to play with pictures et voila), waiting for a gathering to start, I am already anxious because it’s an hour and a half late and still no sign of starting. I have already been given my badge as a panelist, on which it is boldly written: “I am a Barrister at Law”. That badge sparks this post…

Is the Barrister accolade my greatest or even an accomplishment I want to be known or remembered for? It’s not like I was ever asked which to be used anyway.

This musing about accomplishments flashes me back to a discussion with someone last week about the same subject. Ah my ever searching soul…

I had just been told someone I knew had been appointed to a high public office. I was sure happy for them, and in our exchange we marvelled at all their accomplishments. Well, those we knew of, those we read and heared of, you know like this my ” Barrister at Law” tag…

And then I told the person I was chatting with that I looked at accomplishments from a very different angle altogether. For example, I told them I felt they had accomplished a lot coming out of a tradegy the way they have. I added that I felt more accomplished today than 10 years ago when I ironically had more money, two cars and was a ‘Mrs’…

But then, this is my view; it depends first of all I guess on what you consider accomplishments. Maybe I should have started this post by looking that up?

So, I scheduled this post for two days later, so that maybe I could come up with ideas over the weekend or some input from a discussion I may pick up during the gathering.

In the meantime, another of my recent accomplishments is being able to treat a dreaded mumps with more natural remedies than would otherwise have been the case 10 years ago… (I only grudgingly took an anti inflamtory for 3 days) – and am also grateful for all the moral support I had during this difficult period

But then, let me throw this open to my e family, what do you consider accomplishments? What do you measure them by?

Have a great week ahead

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