My Adulteries – Series 1


Hey all I am back sort of, no more struck by the dreaded SSS Syndrome! Oh, I was so scared that I quickly wrote my will for who wouldn’t do so in such a situation?

And so, I decided this week to share some more about that my thriller of a life’s story as compressed in a book.

I started by doing a new trailer for when I did the first one, I was still so emotional and didn’t have the book published yet.

Today and on Friday, I will be sharing some more of my story, precisely from that most daring chapter: My Adulteries.

Adultery can only rightly do this to the wedding cake!
Adultery can only rightly do this to the wedding cake!

Whether you are caught in Adultery or not, it catches you inside you and some day you have to face yourself and all. I said some more in another recent article on the Divorce Magazine.

So, this is some of what is in that chapter in that book:

” … As will come to be the pattern, whenever the air is tense for one reason or the other, we simply can’t function sexually. So there I was, often going to some restaurant nearby to have lunch alone, when the owner took note of me and started offering me ‘free’ lunch.

We mostly talked for long in his restaurant and actually went to a hotel once. Into the third week of the crap, I just took hold of myself and in all self-disgust, went for confession.

Had I known that was just the beginning, I would have damned the consequences, told my husband and I don’t know what else. Well, I got pregnant shortly after, had my Dave and then had to go on those long trips mentioned previously.

Oh filthy Ayo, who on a same day met a man, listened to whatever he was telling, and let him come to my hotel room at night, having driven a good 45 km from his own town. We never met again after that, and even he gave up trying to call me by the third unanswered call.

Then another trip via the North West got me into contact with a civil servant whose function was ‘conservateur foncier’ (I think in English they are called land registrars). He was a ‘conservateur’ at that because although we just exchanged addresses in his office at that first meeting, he kept in touch and always spoke with me for hours on the phone, even counseling me at some point.

He called me later to tell me he’d just been transferred to the North, and I was on my way up there too.

I got there days before him since he had to ‘hand over’ powers before leaving. However, he got to meet me there, on the eve of my departure, having flown in from Yaoundé. What a night we spent, I who had not only been away for close to a month then, but who was also going through my usual ‘sick within episodes’. 

I have simply come past all shame by now; I don’t even blush as I write. This gentleman has been a friend since then and recently when he was about to wed, he offered me a plane ticket to the North, which I kindly turned down.

On yet another trip to the North, I asked the driver to take me to a nightclub, he who was used to the town and even had family, friends and ‘chicks’ there. He took me there and drank so hard that I had to leave him, although I equally did leave him because I had met this macho footballer from Douala who played up North and just wanted to have some fun.

Well, so did I and from that early Saturday morning up to around 4 pm we just tried our best. By the time we parted that evening, we both knew that was that and I for my part felt renewed enough to finish that mission, return home and get lost in my masquerade of an existence.

There was no disgust or confession this time around but a craving for something I believed could be achieved by renewing my closeness to my God.

I started contemplating leaving that marriage altogether and since I was earning a good income, I thought I could afford to take care of Al and Dave and assure us all a modestly comfortable life.

I however didn’t know who to talk to or how to go about it. I, on the other hand, also thought about what if I put in my last efforts to rescue my marriage, come to terms with my self, make amends and come to love my husband the way he was.

I even convinced him and we went for some marriage counseling, but never made it past the first session. Either option was thus inconclusive and then, out of the blue, the long awaited bar exams were launched and I just concentrated on sitting and passing that ‘Eldorado’ of an exam.

My emotional dilemma ever present, I had equally thought that I could get so engrossed in some charitable activity or apostolate (a religious vocation sort of), which would bring me closer to my God and enhance my recovery from the loss of my daughter Ange-Claire and its six-month trauma I had experienced.

That is how I started going to the central prison to assist both legally and in any other ways expected.

Had I known that the other ways expected would have been as complicated as a full blown adulterous relationship, I would have stuck in my little corner but alas, down went the sledge again for Ayo. ‘Had I known’ has never been of good to anyone, coming as late as it always does.”

So, just reading the excerpt above  is good insight into my dilemmas both within and without. Of course, the immediate consequences will only be more ;

The gap is widened and soon we can't take it no more!
The gap is widened and soon we can’t take it no more!

Dear Gentle followers of mine, stay tuned for series 2 and why not leave a comment or 2!

Advertisements

Trailer To My Thriller – Episode 2


What on earth could push or pull a woman and mother of three to abandon her marriage, elope with a street kid, leaving those three kids behind?

What on earth could push or pull a woman to live such parallel lives and fake such an existence whereas all the ‘glamour’ was just superficial?

What definitely went wrong in her childhood that could have contributed to the sad and dare say ‘insane’ series of unconventional loves and existence?

Well, this is what the novel is all about.

This novel is a brutally honest memoir of a woman’s struggle to live a ‘Meaningful and Happy Life’.

This novel is a sad tale of the depths a woman had to sink to before braving to a new life of ‘Meaning and Happiness’.

This is a story of Determination, Discipline and Dedication which takes its readers through a series of ‘sane and insane acts’ of a woman who lived in adultery over and over again, who lived parallel lives, and who when she missed the suicide attempt, realized it was time to be Honest with herself and her world.

Intermingled in the sub themes, is the unfolding of a mother’s dramatic and tough love for her daughter.

Some say the novel is encapsulating and captivating and others say it is inspirational and motivational.

The Author says, she thinks it is both. She wrote this personal ‘thriller’ of hers in all honesty because she wanted to make her Mess her Message and her Test her Testimony.

It probably would make an excellent read!

Stay tuned this week for a teaser from the most captivating chapter itself!

Show some love, share, comment and why not grab a copy!

8 Virtues You Must Have For Greatness


I am still sick but I can read and reblog which is what I am doing of this great post from Vincent!

Vincent Egoro

The dreams and desires of almost everyone  is to be successful, and to live a great life. But then what makes a person great? A look into the lives of everyone who is truly great, both living and the dead, will us to find that they all possess these qualities; love, learning, forgiveness, thrift and industry, gratitude, optimism, and faith among others. The importance of these qualities in the life of an individual can be clearly seen in the way all religions of the earth emphasize them, and admonish their followers to possess the qualities.

If you want to live your greatest life, then you must strive to possess these 8 virtues:

 1. Love

“Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or bridge the chasms of bitterness.”

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within…

View original post 126 more words

Struck by the SSS Syndrome!


Hey friends, I have been struck by the SSS Syndrome! l am sure you may be wondering which one is this now right?

Here we go:

S for sick – I am sick and this since yesterday. l tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t go and so l went to see the doctor today and she said, before even the lab results, she is prescribing me lots of rest.

She adviced to turn off the computer and em phone but I convinced her that l may need to call her back if there was an emergency right?

How nature had its way of calling us to order and making us look — S

Yes S as in silly – there goes my second s; l feel so silly like it’s my fault and that l would like to be in control of the pain but sorry. When we are sick, we are often helpless and sometime feel silly for being so right?

This whole thing is getting on my nerves, me who signed up for the #AtoZ April Challenge on my other blog next street in bloggerville: http://myeverydaypersonal.blogspot.be/ -fortunately I had already scheduled all my post for the twenty-six days or else this would have been one big April Fool’s shot; please visit me there and cheer me up because l really feel S

Oh my, S as in Sluggish because l am so helpless and sad to say the least.  l can’t use my arm – the left one and for a left handed like myself, that is catastrophic!

Something to do too with my articulations and muscles; l am currently typing with one hand and since yesterday l ate with this same righthand and some other things l just can’t do without my DD’s help. You see, l can’t even link his post!

Well, but for the pain, l am glad for the rest! l am optimist too in the end because l even have the possibility to go to the hospital, buy my medication and all!

Dear Gentle followers of mine, l just felt to keep you informed and do leave a comment or two so that when next l open this PC, I will Smile some more!

Some Reviews of my book


It's all about honesty in here!
It’s all about honesty in here!

Wow, March has been one hectic month for me and I guess for us all right?

l worked so hard to publish my book a few days before it was scheduled and so it’s kind of a month since then.

The result so far has been more of quality over quantity and the reviews have been mostly one of encouragement and appreciation.

No offence meant but I equally got one very disturbing review and although I wouldn’t share it here because it is from someone who wouldn’t like it to be shared, I must admit that I wish that person well!

Here below therefore, are a few of the reviews so far:

” This is a very good story about a young woman finding here way. What a journey this author endured. Marie Abanga path was hard and filled with lessons. She is bound by family traditions and cultural upbringing that she begins to challenge. Marie Abanga’s writing captivated me in the very first chapter. I have to admit in some areas of her story, I didn’t quit understand what she was trying to convey. But I continued to read. Marie Abanga candidly speaks of her affairs and struggles. What a brave soul she is for “washing her dirty linen in public.” Thank you Vee!

“Ayo, I just finished reading your book. I owe you a call. It must have taken quite some courage to write it. I certainly applaud you for that! My dear, my only sadness is that I had no idea about what you were going through. I feel like I could have helped somehow if I did. Either way you are a better person for having risen above all the turmoil. I was on a flight from Detroit to Denver and couldn’t put it down until I was done! You had my attention from the first sentence. What a journey you’ve been on. Your book will definitely open many eyes to the many hidden aspects of our lives. Thanks for your determination.”  Thank you Felicy!

Another review all the way from Canada, “Marie Abanga describes herself as a dynamic woman who follows the three Ds of Determination-Dicipline-Dedication. Her story is one of hurts, adulteries and redemption. It is certainly a full life with never a dull moment. Marie is brutally honest in this autobiography, the writing of which she used as a form of therapy. This is a highly entertaining book written with gusto. I enjoyed it immensely. Best wishes, Dennis Cardiff” Thank you Dennis!

Am truly touched by such feedback: “I think it’s really hard to have relationships with others when the first couple you know is dysfunctional and abusive towards each other. I also feel your pain when you said you didn’t have anyone to confide with when you’re growing up. I didn’t either. Aside from the personal, I also appreciate that you take time to describe to describe Cameroon and your surroundings. Honestly, I’ve read few books that have taken place anywhere in Africa. You get the sense that this is a real African book which is great because rather than it be another novel about the exoticism of Africa, you present a real true story (your story) about struggles experienced universally by people. It makes you feel that no matter where or how different the culture is, we still face obstacles and go through internal challenges that are very similar. I am sure you’ve heard this a lot but thank you for sharing your story. It’s raw and without pretense and I am grateful to read an uninhibited piece like your own story! Fouzia

Thanks again, Marie and we’ll talk soon!

Oh and here is another review from Canada again, my friend Barb Parker: ” Marie I found your book very inspirational.  It is truly amazing what some people have to endure to find real happiness.  You are a true model of Determination and your Desire to keep going even in the hard times, leads me to believe you are a Strong Woman.  I want to thank you for sharing your story, I am sure your testimony will be a Blessing to many who find themselves in a similar situation.  Blessings to you and your family.  May you enjoy Happiness and Love for the duration of you Life on Earth. It is truly amazing how we connected through writing our books.  I am so happy to call you my friend.”

And, what do you say when get such a review about your work? 
“A personal story from a courageous lady that touches the heart of every reader.
The writer recounts her missteps and trials through life as she perpetually chases this illusive concept we all long for- ‘love’.
In the process, she’s tempted, bruised and healed, but ironically rewarded with the greatest LOVES of her life- her off springs.
A lesson learned, but not without passing through the good, the bad and the ugly in men.
Her experiences challenge hitherto women-centered African societal stereotypes, and derail the course of her moral judgement.
In the twist of events, a great awakening occurs, just as the writer takes us through yet another thriller of one of those her ‘unconventional loves’- which leads to ‘her road to Damascus’!
A suspense-packed non-fiction. An intriguing part of her personal memoirs!
A ‘must-read’ for anyone who has the wisdom to learn from others’ experiences!” Lesly

What a story!,  April 25, 2014
By Mr Egg

Marie takes us on her trip in Africa from childhood to adulthood, and how she back-pedaled as hard as she could from her dead-end road of a marriage. I discovered the weight of tradition, and how much it pressures women in Africa. Through her story, I travelled to Cameroon, Tanzania, Dubai and Europe. I discovered a very strong woman, dedicated and determined… beware if you try to stand on her way. This is an excellent read!

And this one all the way from Long Beach CA:

Touching and True, August 1, 2014
” When I first started taking writing workshops my instructors told me to “write like you talk.” That is exactly the way Marie Abanga writes. As soon as I began reading her book, I felt like I was in the same room with the author as she told me in her raw and honest voice the story of her struggle to have a meaningful and happy life despite the adversities along the way, such as growing up in Cameroon, constant fights with her mother, a failed marriage, falling for a younger street guy, and leaving her three sons to be raised by family members so she could pursue her education and career in law.

Abanga doesn’t mince words while she pours out her heart. She also is sometimes reticent to give us all the details. She says, “The details are so nostalgic I may not be able to finish this chapter so I leave this part at that.” Or, “I can’t describe out of décor and decorum….”

Abanga describes her memoir as a story of “Determination, Discipline and Dedication.” I was hooked from the start. You will be too.
I don’t give this book five stars because of its excellent writing, but because of the touching and true voice of the author. ” Thanks Madeleine

I am simply put, very very touched by all these reviews. And to think of my difficult memoir journey and how I all but wrote in hiding?

And this is what my own mother wrote on my book launch event page:

“Ayo, I was unable to be there yesterday having been held down in an engagement here in Lome struggling to jump-start our capacity-building assignment. I appreciate the courage that has moved you to document some of these moments in your life, some mistakes and your struggles. I am familiar to some but definitely not all. You chose your forum and you are free to. The most important aspect is what I as a Catholic mother see as reconciliation with yourself and the peace that comes with it and above all how you use your mistakes so as not only to avoid another fall but rather to jump higher and land far. My believe is “never waste a mistake or a fall”. Every mistake or challenge in life is an opportunity and I am glad that you have not only decided to use yours for yourself but also to share and lend your experiences to others. This said, accept my blessings and my prayers. IT IS WELL!!!!! ” Thank you Mama

So, gentle followers of mine, if you haven’t yet got a copy, may these reviews help you take the decision to or maybe not to? Haha, I will appreciate your reviews too!

My Brother, whose Brother?


What a title right? Well, here is its explanation. When I fought some tough fights in primary school to protect my brother, and when the head teacher or whoever asked me after managing to separate the fight why I fought, I always answered thus ” I saw them beating my brother, whose brother?” l cared less if he was at fault!

Last week, I wrote a post on sibling love and how tough it was for me, wondering how tougher it should be.  I said my brother, my one and only bore of our mother, was my favorite.

Well, you will not fight five big girls or even boys if what you fought for wasn’t worth it, right?

Oh, how l miss my brother. I mean we talk to each other often but things are not the same anymore. We live continents apart and have tough personal struggles going on every now and then.

I miss my brother
I miss my brother

When I came across this picture quote, I was shaken with tears for so many memories abound:

I miss my brother
I miss my brother

And here are a few:

I remember in 2003 when I announced to my family that I was pregnant and out of wedlock. Oh no, visualize a scene for yourselves in a typical african family – hmm and who was the biological father of that ‘foetus’ – A PRIEST!

Sure, hell broke loose. My brother woke up to screams and slaps and curses, and even though he was very sick, he stormed that room and displayed to protect me and my womb.

He asked if I had killed anybody and the answer was no. He asked if I was of Ben laden and the answer was no. He chided them to go after Ben Laden and to leave me alone. Period. He ordered me to come and sleep by him and he would see who will dare touch me again.

I did sit on his bed as he tried to sleep but I couldn’t out of so much Fear. I feared the ‘saga’ will resume and I feared for my brother who had over agitated and gotten so nervous and dare I say violent? He was currently going through several health problems amongst which was a depression.

Of course the next morning, he broke down and had to be rushed to a neurologist cum psychiatrist. He at some lucid interval asked that I come and stay with him in the hospital and I gladly did for his one week stay there.

I also remember the first eyeliner I got. It was blue my favorite colour and it was from my brother, sent all the way from Germany.

So, it is easy to imagine the kind of bond I have with my brother. l was a tom boy because I played with my brother who had no brother at home or friends so to speak in the neighbourhood. I won’t even talk about the relationship he had with our dad.

As I write this post, my brother still has a lot of issues and all I can do is call him every now and then and just talk with him as he wants. He appreciates my calls and he sometimes shares memories.

Yes, I will always love my brother above all. I accompanied him to apply for and get his visa and papers and I will hopefully visit him next year. For now, all I can say is: My brother, whose brother…

Dear gentle followers of mine, what is your take and what do you have to say or share?

Key Killer in my marriage …


Image

My Six year old Marriage died a heavy and painful death. I mean, with all what I did, hmm, its death was even shameful.

But Today, I want to share with you one of those ‘killers’ of my marriage and maybe it is acting somewhere right now too? 

You’re probably wondering what next right?  I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!

Lack of Communication

A quick re-cap?

Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them.  All I was looking for was a refuge!

He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage.  I was an adulterous wife,  a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.

Now to this post.

My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally.  He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.

When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other.  Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication.  No discussion.  No conversation.

And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.

We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits.  Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.

thumb in hand

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught. The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital.  We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.

Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.

Dear Gentle Followers of mine, you could read more on this post at the Noble Divorce Magazine and sure it would be a pleasure to read your comments or see you share the story…

PEARL #56: BE COURAGEOUS


With Detetmination, Disciplime and Dedication, so much Courage is built, nurtured and sustained. With Passion, comes the stress free inner commitment and motivation. Thanks Mah for sharing!

Courage, the ability to face our fears, the bravery and dauntless nature of spirit to forge through pain, obstacles and new territory. Be courageous through the conquering of fears to pursue our goals or maintain our beliefs. Be brave and achieve your goals

Mah Mekolle

View original post

My thrilling life as a single mum, author, coach, mental health advocate & CBT Therapist

Therapy Bits

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd

Sip Of Wellness

Sip by sip guide to live well

Conundrum.

Dabbles in writing, loves music and nature. Sierra Leonean

Rachel's Blog

Mental Health | Health & Wellness | Lifestyle

Holistic Services Group

Holistic Services Group is Australia's number 1 provider of corporate wellness services. Since 2003, we have been caring for the health and wellbeing of staff in companies amongst the top 500 in Australia.

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and gadget reviews

Destination Humanity

Chasing big dreams one photo at a time

The Anatomy of Happiness

The Scientifically Informed Companion to Everyday Wellbeing

Inspiration and ideas on creating your dream life

Personal Development, Beauty, Style and general well-being

Growing Up Crazy

A Memoir About Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, PTSD, And A Mental Institution

Ambe's Diary

Essential Principles for Success

MentallyNotReyt

An overactive mind. Borderline Personality Disorder & Acute Stress Disorder

Braving Mental Illness

Inspiring Hope, Strength, & Courage One Life at Time

Help Me Believe

Apologetics | Theology

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness by finding a foundation of strength