Hey all I am back sort of, no more struck by the dreaded SSS Syndrome! Oh, I was so scared that I quickly wrote my will for who wouldn’t do so in such a situation?
And so, I decided this week to share some more about that my thriller of a life’s story as compressed in a book.
I started by doing a new trailer for when I did the first one, I was still so emotional and didn’t have the book published yet.
Today and on Friday, I will be sharing some more of my story, precisely from that most daring chapter: My Adulteries.
Whether you are caught in Adultery or not, it catches you inside you and some day you have to face yourself and all. I said some more in another recent article on the Divorce Magazine.
So, this is some of what is in that chapter in that book:
” … As will come to be the pattern, whenever the air is tense for one reason or the other, we simply can’t function sexually. So there I was, often going to some restaurant nearby to have lunch alone, when the owner took note of me and started offering me ‘free’ lunch.
We mostly talked for long in his restaurant and actually went to a hotel once. Into the third week of the crap, I just took hold of myself and in all self-disgust, went for confession.
Had I known that was just the beginning, I would have damned the consequences, told my husband and I don’t know what else. Well, I got pregnant shortly after, had my Dave and then had to go on those long trips mentioned previously.
Oh filthy Ayo, who on a same day met a man, listened to whatever he was telling, and let him come to my hotel room at night, having driven a good 45 km from his own town. We never met again after that, and even he gave up trying to call me by the third unanswered call.
Then another trip via the North West got me into contact with a civil servant whose function was ‘conservateur foncier’ (I think in English they are called land registrars). He was a ‘conservateur’ at that because although we just exchanged addresses in his office at that first meeting, he kept in touch and always spoke with me for hours on the phone, even counseling me at some point.
He called me later to tell me he’d just been transferred to the North, and I was on my way up there too.
I got there days before him since he had to ‘hand over’ powers before leaving. However, he got to meet me there, on the eve of my departure, having flown in from Yaoundé. What a night we spent, I who had not only been away for close to a month then, but who was also going through my usual ‘sick within episodes’.
I have simply come past all shame by now; I don’t even blush as I write. This gentleman has been a friend since then and recently when he was about to wed, he offered me a plane ticket to the North, which I kindly turned down.
On yet another trip to the North, I asked the driver to take me to a nightclub, he who was used to the town and even had family, friends and ‘chicks’ there. He took me there and drank so hard that I had to leave him, although I equally did leave him because I had met this macho footballer from Douala who played up North and just wanted to have some fun.
Well, so did I and from that early Saturday morning up to around 4 pm we just tried our best. By the time we parted that evening, we both knew that was that and I for my part felt renewed enough to finish that mission, return home and get lost in my masquerade of an existence.
There was no disgust or confession this time around but a craving for something I believed could be achieved by renewing my closeness to my God.
I started contemplating leaving that marriage altogether and since I was earning a good income, I thought I could afford to take care of Al and Dave and assure us all a modestly comfortable life.
I however didn’t know who to talk to or how to go about it. I, on the other hand, also thought about what if I put in my last efforts to rescue my marriage, come to terms with my self, make amends and come to love my husband the way he was.
I even convinced him and we went for some marriage counseling, but never made it past the first session. Either option was thus inconclusive and then, out of the blue, the long awaited bar exams were launched and I just concentrated on sitting and passing that ‘Eldorado’ of an exam.
My emotional dilemma ever present, I had equally thought that I could get so engrossed in some charitable activity or apostolate (a religious vocation sort of), which would bring me closer to my God and enhance my recovery from the loss of my daughter Ange-Claire and its six-month trauma I had experienced.
That is how I started going to the central prison to assist both legally and in any other ways expected.
Had I known that the other ways expected would have been as complicated as a full blown adulterous relationship, I would have stuck in my little corner but alas, down went the sledge again for Ayo. ‘Had I known’ has never been of good to anyone, coming as late as it always does.”
So, just reading the excerpt above is good insight into my dilemmas both within and without. Of course, the immediate consequences will only be more ;
Dear Gentle followers of mine, stay tuned for series 2 and why not leave a comment or 2!