Am sitting alone in the set up classroom of this school which will host the Gbm event I have been talking about recently. It is due to start at 10 am and here we are at 9. 55am and no one but me. The kids on break time tiptoe in one by one and then realize am thrilled by the company. I mean what better remedy for my anxiety just now? And then I get a call that others are stuck in traffic and will be 30mins late, bring it on!
As a result of the delay in start time which extends to an hour, I have the honour of spending some time with the nursery school kids (one of my dream jobs). Such fun I had and I even made some friends too.
I just deal with anxiety by writing about it or talking to someone; but we all know how difficult it is to find someone who understands in today’s world (I mean like face to face right) to talk to or talk with…so here I am on the blogosphere – free man’s land for real…
Yesterday, actually since saturday, freaking anxiety has been dripping into my head again. Now there is a GBM Foundation event tomorrow and there is so much last minute preparation. I am no last minute person, I love getting prepared days and weeks ahead and so today like this my head is swelling and what I had also planned to do for my own work and self is obviously going to go and maybe shoved to next week – zut
So please world share some love and leave me tips because my rescue plan ain’t working 80% even
Hello world, funny oga anxiety is revisiting just as I finish my CBT diploma course where the last lesson was on anxiety and OCD…irony right?
Let’s start from somewhere, why this unsolicited visit.
I lost a very dear maternal cousin and near went all numb about it…that’s not usual me nor ‘conventional’ way of grieving out here…so am anxious something is wrong with me…
I also lost a great uncle, my dad’s favourite uncle and the dad of two cousins I love so much…paternal side now…equally so touched, seem to reach out more here and story short…some internal and external conflict there with grieving and all…
I have finished some work I wanted to before October ran out, but my work load seems to be piling and now I can’t even blog as I want or what I had anticipated… Anxiety, mild panic, stomach bubbles
Am writing it all down and telling it gently off
I am being authentic and vulnerable all the way and that’s ok
What I have finished deserves a celebration, it was a tough 10 lesson CBT course which I covered in 3 months in addition to all other I do
I will focus more on the positives and be ever grateful for all…the boys all did so well in school, I am making real and good friends, am entering a poetry competition and have put together the 10 poems required, am managingbto keep up with sports inspire of the mind tug of war… I have one of the best sisters in the whole wide world…
I know many love me and look up to me, I deserve that and it is reciprocated
I know the difference between who I was and who I now am…I have to consciously make the choice each day to remember, affirm and celebrate that…
I will blog as I want in due time…am already doing my best and a break whether intended or not is still ok
Anxiety you can visit in my absence. If am home you can stay a while and then leave because I don’t have patience for toxic folks and naysayers…
And you world, what’s your plan or experience with such ‘losers’ like Anxiety?
P.s: a few hours later you’re laugh at myself for almost going back home because I forgot to wear earrimgs…coming from someone who dfinitely cares more about how she feels than looks lol… That was anxiety trying to lull me back home hahaha
I have know Loha pretty all my life. She has kept my mind alert more than I could ever wish for. Whether I ask her to come along or not she does. Always offering suggestions, making me doubt my own self, getting me double check on stuffs I have done, and beating myself more than I should for any omission or slight delay. She sometimes makes me wish a day had 48 hours even when I’ll still feel like a failure at the end of each day.
Oh Loha you are the worst of my friends – you nag! Yes, although I like that you help me plan well in advance and think of all possible scenarios of what, who, why, when something could go wrong; the fact that you more often than not come up with those your fall short blabla when any merry comes or is sighted, qualifies you my best enemy.
I think we should revisit our relationship, I wish I could just cut you out, sometimes I feel I have done just that. Is it a must that once you know someone it should be for life? Can you answer me that? Or do you only want me to take a pill which could give me that courage to kick you the hell out of life?
I am gradually however discovering how to get back at you, for all the years when you sucked me down, with all your nagging. I can now tell you to your face, call you out to the world, embarrass you too some. If you don’t like my approach, get lost because more is coming. I have new friends teaching me more tricks. I know much more than I used to, Loha you better step up or be doomed forever you shapeless chameleon creature – no doubt your best colour you say is black!!!
P.S: That was a guest post I submitted last month following a call to submit. I followed up and got my submission acknowledged, but it never got ‘selected for publishing’ and no courtesy did I get in the form of a ‘rejection/notification’. So, considering it their loss and Loha being mine anyway, I share it with us all.
I am officially taking a 1 month summer break from writing on my blog, but I’ll be reading, commenting and why not reblog any I find cool.
I am just back from a trip and I did share some update on Friday and Saturday.
For the main part of the trip and a personal mission, I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally intensely for a week. I knew organizing a medical mission targeting 500 – 1000 beneficiaries was no joke. Yet, all and I mean much did not depend on me. So I was ready to sleep late and deal – heal from overwhelming scenarios as much as I could. Glad to say I lost my cool only once on the DDay.
Today Sunday, was another day however and I had not prepared emotionally and mentally for the day’s events. I wasn’t even aware of the program up to the last hours. You can imagine how that shook my mind already so frail. I couldn’t make it and yet I was stuck there and had to wait. I was so tired and slept a little but my thoughts of getting back home and my disrupted routine kept bugging me.
I finally got home 5 mins ago and it is 10.30 pm here. My normal sleep time is 9 pm. Yesterday I missed that but I was prepared, today I am not. I have to deal with it. I hope writing my worries down like this with help me. Maybe I will also go drink some hot chocolate, I believe it helps soothe me.
I know some will say in life you have to be flexible and adapt and face stuffs like a ‘normal’ person. I am not a ‘normal’ person; diagnosis is not what will make me believe I am/or confirm that I am not … Whatever normal person is. I feel more and more mentally taxed by what will otherwise be ‘normal’ to others. Not being able to be ahead of my program or to even know what is planned and well ahead of time, drives me to an edge. Not sleeping on time, not eating what am used to, too much noise and different reactions from people are taxing now more than ever. Sometimes, even an hour’s preparation can do, but I need to be ready in my mind.
I wasn’t like this before. Maybe youthfulness and the ‘people pleaser’ in me made me very flexible and outgoing etc. I have been through stuffs since then which have plainly caused such trauma; going on nowadays, my mind gets scared of future foreseeable ‘trauma’ which may be caused by I don’t what… Sometimes I am scared I am becoming emotionally and mentally frail to a not so good edge. Maybe that’s why I try so much self care you know… I don’t want to rely on meds. Hence I need to prepare myself emotionally and mentally well in advance for any program which will change my routine. For example I attend the African Epilepsy Congress in Dakar in 2 weeks and I have been preparing emotionally, mentally and of course logistically since January.
Empathy not suspicion and disgust of people going through such challenging times is needed. Sometimes, it seems the ‘normal’ people don’t understand or are quick to say they do while advising you to just pray, get over it etc. Maybe that’s why people going through such challenges like these isolate themselves and will rather smile and say all is fine, rather than begin to explain what may only be rediculed? Others try to cope doing whatever numbs their feelings of makes then ‘feel happy’ and ‘on top of it all’/
I am what may be considered highly functional, but I love being prepared and also following my routine. Now Sleep evades me and yet my internal alarm clock will do it’s 4 am jingle and I wish to do sports and help the guys off to school. I know it may not work out that way because of the disruption so far. I hate to struggle and have to try calming down by writing all this. But I also share so someone be inspired and motivated. We are in this together.
Here is to my trying to sleep and to good logic of taking people as they come… That is equally fighting mental health stigma when we share our struggles and seek for ways to take care of our mental health
Happy mid week. I wonder how I hadn’t gotten to this point all along. Ha, maybe because punctuality and anxiety over punctuality are so wired in my brain. Just the thought of me being even a second late could ruin my sleep. I prefer to be an hour early than a minute late. I have blogged about my obsession with punctuality over and again.
The paradox is that I have met and keep meeting people who are in love with what is fondly known as BMT or Blackman main time. You know that deal where you say the event starts at 5 pm whereas it actually kicks off at 9 pm, and well because you know no one keeps to time anyway. I have fallen several times for this and been there at 5 pm and waited my patience over hahaha
Anyway, I started getting rather sick with my obsession with punctuality and decides last year to seriously start work on that. Especially with three musketeers gracefully occupying 70% of my time, how can I still be rigid with time keeping expectations?
So gradually but slowly I started finding a way to deal with such obsessive and compulsive attitudes.
Last Monday it hit me like BAM… I had got up at 4 am, hit my workout at 4.45 am and planned to be ready to get out at sharp 6 am. By 5.30 am, I hadn’t had my shower oh no…I’ll be so late… Big panic yellow lights waiting to turn red… But then I remembered in a flash how late and miserable and erratic I had got the last time I lost it for fear of being late. I decided to try it out a different way. I went into my room, took a deep breathe, had my shower and got ready without letting any panic thoughts ruin my consciousness. At sharp 6 am, I was ready and although I had to forego packing my lunch bag ( my fault now cause if I had done that the night before… Shush such thoughts now…) And big bonus, I wasn’t late to my 6.50 am appointment after all…
I know some people don’t worry about such things, but I know some do. I am thus sharing this with you to inspire you and to motivate you to keep working on yourselves.
Any other tips to share on how to take this anxiety trigger and their obsessive compulsive cousins?
Today being international women’s day, may I wish all the women who hop by a happy day
Hello World; I know beyond reasonable doubt that consistent and engagind actions yield succulent fruits. Join me ye all gentle readers and followers of mine as I roll out the red carpet for my first guest post of the season: Ms Talasi Guerra of the epic blog Braver than Before. Read on and tell for yourselves if the title of her guest post and even that of her blog don’t resonate with each of us in one way or the other.
Have you ever had that nightmare where you are desperately trying to run away from something or someone, but no matter how hard you strain, you just can’t get your body to move fast enough? It’s like there are these invisible wires attached to all of your limbs, pulling you in the opposite direction as you exert all of your energy to move ahead one inch at a time. While you don’t know exactly what the danger is, you are certain that it is just behind you and ready to pounce at any moment! And in your mind, you are running away with all your might! But in reality, you are moving more slowly than a weary sloth.
I’ve had this dream many, many times in my life. It is such a frustrating and disconcerting dream to wake up from. And though I have never made the connection until this moment, I think that living with anxiety is almost exactly like living in this nightmare.
When you live with anxiety, it is like there is this mysterious danger constantly looming over you, coming at you from every direction. Fear kicks in and tells you that you must run in order to survive, but you simply can’t move. Sometimes it seems that the harder you try to get away, the more stubbornly your body refuses to cooperate.
And yet somehow, though you can barely move at all, the negligible progress you are making depletes almost all of your energy. It is all you can do to survive at this point, never mind trying to dodge the danger. But giving up is not an option either. You can’t stop trying to run or the threat will catch up to you and you will face certain destruction. So you are stuck in a state of constant torment—the battle between the danger you perceive and your inability to escape this approaching doom.
I’ve lived like this for most of my life. It is an exhausting existence. Always running; always trying to escape. But quite frankly, I am tired of running. I am tired of attempting escape when I don’t have the energy to move. I am tired of fighting with a peril that I can’t even identify.
So that’s it then. It’s time for me to turn around and face the danger. It’s time for me to look this thing in the eye and say, “No. I’m not going to run from you anymore.” And something tells me that when I do—when I finally stand up to it—it will lose a little bit of its power. Each time I take a stand, it will lose a little bit more, and a little bit more, until the tables finally turn and it becomes the one on the run. In that moment, I will be the one chasing it… until it is gone forever!
Talasi Guerra is the Director of Children and Family Ministries and Graphic Designer at First Baptist Church in Lloydminster, Canada. She loves to write, travel, and create. Follow Talasi on twitter @talasiguerra. We are welcome to her blog where she invite us to Journey with her through the day-to-day mess of anxiety and fear as she seek to cultivate courage each and every day. She is a fighter and survivor, and although she battled an eating disorder for 7 long damn years, it’s now 10 years she escaped from that nightmare – Amen!!!
Dear World, I actually wrote this post on Wednesday the 26th at 3 pm, 30 minutes before I planned to leave for my retreat. Once more I need to find fun because anxiety is creeping in and so am becoming nervous. The family friend who has to come and stay with the boys isn’t yet here and I just hate to be late one bit. Is it this Black Man Time aka BMT stuff?
I am therefore writing this post as a calming mechanism because while I write, I think of what to write and worry less about his not being yet and the chances of my being late. Don’t mind that the retreat centre is 15 minutes away from my house.
Anyway, ok let’s see how I found fun this morning because, hey that was another one to get me pull my hair off (ah great I shaved it all off a year and plus ago so fine no pulling of hair will work here). Ok, as the story goes, my three boys all have a piece of me in them, my one personality or the other. Ok Mr Gaby the benjamin, takes that my laid back childhood and fun girl in all circumstances. So, he only remembered to tell me this 5 am that a new exercise book was needed. Needless to say I had no spare one for him. He is often late to be ready to leave the house, and that gets his brothers nervous and so when I can I just tell them to go and decide to walk with him to school. The 15 minutes walk takes us 30 or so minutes because Gaby kicks the pebbles, chats with friends, counts the cars and etc etc… Taking after who? Please don’t ask me 🙂
So we try to leave early as in 6.30 am for just in case, but Gaby manages sometimes to be ready at 6.45 like was the case today. Yet, no stores were open or sold exercise books. So I walk him to school at that pace regardless of my threats and all, and then I start power walking back saying to myself well if he gets whacked for not having the book, serves him right. Half way through, I see a hawker and he has exercise books. I buy one, and my conscience will not let me take it home. About turn to his school, give him the book, and there we go again power walk all the way back home.
It was actually at the point of buying the book and deciding to give him back, that I found fun. I was already all tensed up and I had just so much to do before leaving for the retreat you know. The deal is, my tendons behind my hips hurt from the rigourous Monday workouts, I couldn’t even jog as planned this morning. I realized only power walks will help, and here I was with ample opportunity to power walk to and fro the young man’s school, and I was whinning? I started laughing at myself.
But when I go to his class and realized today was their P.E day and my friend hadn’t worn his sport’s outfit, my initial reaction was… luckily I found fun standing very close by… I just shrugged as in well this time around serves you right sir…
With this anectdote of mine, I wish to encourage us all to try as much as possible to find fun in those fuzzy situations of life. I know fun is to had or made, but there are equally times when you have to really look past the surface. Fury is never far if you prefer to dwell in his miserable company hahaha
The fun in my writing now is, ok he’s still not here, but his delay is giving me time to write and properly schedule my post and emm I guess I’ll still be on time for the 4pm scheduled arrival, and ok a few minutes late might not be the end of the world… Let me have fun calling him to hear what he has to say 🙂
Am a fitness fan, and I try to be a ‘reglo’ 🙂 This slang is translated to mean a regular or dedicated person. And when am ticking nervous and anxious (N&A), finding a ventilation outlet like a gym, a book or a laptop etc on which to write, is VIP.
Fortunately for me, a local gym was opened in my neighbourhood a month ago. Seriously, I think it was opened for myself and one or two more. Let me spare you with the size of that gym not its contents. The enthusiastic trainer suffices. He keeps repeating ‘sa va aller’ – google can help my english peeps!
Yesterday was one of those blue days. I was running late to the gym via no fault of mine. I was ticking N&A by the time I got home. I quicky dashed to the gym and ventilated buckets full of all that mingled with sweet smelling sweat 🙂
The Dream Dang out here is USA. Whoever goes there and comes back to tell is immediately a ‘local’ hero of high esteem – you are allowed to be photographed in that special corner hahaha
Yesterday as I travelled to Boston, I wanted to do a little cherry post on PhilaPlush and PhilaPower as I felt about Philadephia. I tried to take a few pictures for that, and to first map out the structure and content in my head. Yet I just couldn’t get it straight. Alas that post may be for some other time if any at all.
It’s raining now in my head and I just have to be patient
I have to start by telling my gentle readers to be gentle with my blog this week or don’t click on any of my posts this week. I feel it coming, the anxiety and nervousness and I am not pretending to be strong or snap over or out of it… I am letting it rain in my head, maybe flow out through my eyes and maybe hole myself in some. I’ll just try not to let the rain ruin it all for me. Yes, I had a cool weekend and a calm bus trip to Boston.
Nimbus Cloud build up in my head
I attend a gala on Saturday which finishes at 4.30 am and am kindly driven back home by 5 am. I shower and try to sleep but phone calls and messages etc wouldn’t let me be. It is sometimes very hard for people to understand you can’t always be the one they ‘know or think’ you are or should be;
And yet I have to be in the Bus at 11 am at a station an hour’s drive away from where I live. I had negligently bought a ticket to depart from Baltimore MD, without checking with whoever on the ground, how close or far away it was from wherever I was hoping to live. I knew I was sure gonna be in MD and just thought that well it was all in MD. So, the fact that I can’t get there on my own by public transportation because that will take 3.30 hours, that I have to negotiate for a ride and get same from a sweet friend who has just worked himself out before and during the the weekend to make the events a success, that I just can’t sleep straight or comfortable on that 9 hours bus ride to Boston, all these build ups for the nimbus cloud in my head.
Trying to Smile and be Brave
This picture was taken in Wetchester County in the State of NY wherever that is… well during a bus stop so we could get some food etc. I know I look and feel drenched. My left eye is swollen and I just want more coffee (I took some before leaving Hyatsville MD and although I know that was maybe not going to help me sleep, I didn’t think I was going to sleep anyway). Well I took a frappucino instead which I think is better especially in my circumstance.
I am going to try to brave the next two days out here. But I am going to be very patient and kind with my self. I don’t care who thinks I should be over this by now or that I could try harder. Some pain is simply put, Black Pain. I am not trying to live up to anyone’s expectations right now but mine, and am expecting real emotional moments. I started by having a crapy night and getting out of bed at 5 am this morning, and finally deciding to start writing instead of just watching the rain fall so hard in my head. I wanted to go out for a walk (yes the urge is to walk the 1 hour to and fro to Gaby’s last abode), but I changed my mind and decided to write all this down first, and also wait to greet my kind hosts when they wake up. I sure will go to that apartment and to my Brother’s table (he told me he went there often).
Let it flow to let it go
I once watched a movie where this phrase was often used. Now I’ll remind myself of this throughout my Boston stay. Whatever the emotions and all, I’ll try my best to let it flow to let it go. I can’t and wouldn’t pretend. If I don’t want to hold any ‘pleasant discussions’, I wouldn’t. If I don’t want to visit or be visited by any ‘family’ out here, I wouldn’t. This is also why I play hard and make the best of my ‘happy’ moments and meetings with people like Marilyn, Sherry and Richie. Hmm, yesterday I sat next to none other but a monk – ziplock that mouth of yours which fortunately was not even in the mood for chit chat. I could at least take this picture from the top seat I had paid to reserve and was already beating myself for wasting that reservation:
My thrilling life as a single mum, author, coach, mental health advocate & CBT Therapist
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