Tag Archives: Authenticity

Walking My Fine Thin Rope with Grace


Thin rope walker

Oh – Hail me silently

Lest your murmurs, distract from my goal

That of walking with balance

The fine thin rope of my life

I jigsaw emotionally and mentally

Before stepping on my fine thin rope

Victory is not my ambition

Loving each parent is my heart’s desire

And my siblings of course

As for my sons

I let them know with their rising suns

That my lot in life has been thick and thin

Fine, not so Fine and Finer

It takes a lot of practice and peserverance

Sizing up and sizing down

Giving and receiving 

to and from all including

From fellow fine thin rope walkers

Fortunately my boots are freely given

The Master himself ordaineth

Awareness and forgiveness and Grace

Of course some self love in abundance

And for the world out of his bountiful barn

All that helps my indefinite walk

On this fine thin rope of my life

With Gratitude and Grace

 

p.s: Concluding one of my most meh cum yum yum weeks so far lol. I have yawned this week more than in the last months of 2017 I must confess. Currently yawning even

Have an awesome weekend everyone, looking forward to spending saturday with my first grandson (can you believe that) 

 and then some awesome awards are on the way – all so awesome yeah!!!

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We all have our Insecurities: We all have our limitations


Hello World, It may be way too soon for me to say here comes another of those weeks, I think it is still some residual burnout jumbled up with some mood cycles spiked a few weekes ago by a higher than usual hyped calendar.

Let’s start with Insecurities

Well, something this weekend, and I mean as trival as asking for a selfie, made me face the reality that I like many others had insecurities and limitations. I have never doubted this, although I didn’t call them out as such before not ‘smile’ at anyone who ‘dared’ tell me so – if you get the gist.

So, during an event, I met someone I have admired on facebook for a while, we are a decade or so apart in age with she being a junior, but share some similarities like being staunch advocates of whatever our causes are. We also say it as it is and try to live our best. We acknowledged each other that day, appreciated our outfits, neeedless to say we were maybe the only two dressed in African prints (in a culture where fashion and trendy means competing with Beyonce hmm), but I didn’t ask for a selfie, or that we get someone to take us a picture. True each time we met and exchanged a word, there was buzzing around, but then I could still try right? Ok, at the gala my battery died down before I met her again, but maybe if I asked, her phone could have done just good right? And to think the very next day I was out there on facebook bluffing about our outfits and had no picture to show? Had only mine like I was the only chick à l’africaine you know. Insecurity period!

So, if on the same day and event I can have different encounters and behaviours, then I should either be perfectly human or not lol. Seriously, the above got me thinking. I mean I don’t fear striking conversations, why fear ask for ‘mere’ snapshots? There are other times I have asked for snapshots, so it’s not like ‘jamais fait – or never before done’. Actually, that same morning before I ran into her, I was just from making a new contact, a lady who sat a row ahead and I could feel she is on her phone ‘social networking’ just because… so I introduced myself to her and got to meet a dynamic lady who has a restaurant in my own neigbhourhood called ‘Fresh Cravings’ – guess who plans to take her guys there this weekend? So when Saraphine asked that we do a selfie, sure I smiled some mindful of the chilly room.

Saraphine Yondo
Saraphine Yondoh of Fresh Cravings and I

The simple conclusion is that I have my own insecurities, and they fluctuate based on circumstances.

And Limitations

Limitations I want to look at from the point of a limiting circumstance or occurence or event etc. We probably have them everywhere, right close to us, in our homes, interractions and all. I bring it up to say those limitations do not and should not make us any less human I think or grateful our lives. A small and very current example is that, since I got to the office this morning, I am struggling to find my groove to work as planned, the internet connection is frustrating and this also limits any progress (tbt there is also much I could do without the internet connection) I should have made right? But the laptop itself has been rebooted already twice too. I can choose to give up this day as is, focus on preparing my notes for lectures tonight, (like double checking them since I prepared them long ago lol) and go bitch about the day althrough the night. Will that make me feel any better and less ‘guilty’ at having wasted half the day already not really doing much? I thus fell back on writing, and this post is here.

Whenever it goes up, I will know I haven’t done what I planned this morning but I didn’t let the morning’s limitation keep me down. I also think others will be inspired and motivated by this post. I will even conclude by throwing out a question: Has anyone any insecurities and limitations they may want to share/or better still the tips on dealing with this?

Thanks for reading and have a great week everyone

Twinkes not Wrinkles 


Twinkles not wrinkles

Those I want for the season

The reason but no treason

~~~
Twinkles not wrinkles

They come naturally

Please let them be

~~~
Twinkles not wrinkles

In my eyes not on my brow

That’s all by Grace

~~~
Twinkles not wrinkles

You want those too?

If yes, you welcome

If no, I know you nought.

Up and about this Saturday for some respite

P.s: Wishing us all the best for the season, new year ahead and life in general

Because I am Human


Because I am human, I have feelings

Because I an human, I have thoughts

Because I am human, I seek to love

Because I am human, I seek to know

Because I am human, I want to be treated as one

Because you are human, you have feelings too

Because you are human, you have thoughts too

Because you are human, you seek to love too

Because you are human, you seek to know too

Because you are human, you want to be treated as one too

How do we humans feel?

How do we humans think?

How do we humans seek to love?

How do we humans seek to know?

How do we humans want to be treated?

I don’t know for sure about you

I only know my word and the weight I give it

I try my best not to take things personal

Steering away from assumptions

making myself clear by saying it as it is

Call that sensitive or insensitive

My attitude is all I can manage

With Inner peace as my main goal

Loving is all I seek to do

The how I learn each day

The why I sometimes don’t even know

The when is only now I have

The what is all things living

Because I am human

The Best you can: Definitely one of my Best


be_the_best_version_of_you

The best You Can

Be the best you can be

Say the best you can say

Do the best you can do 

Feel the best you can feel

Love the best you can love

———-

Oh Cry the best you can cry

Feel the hurt as it hurts

Then Heal the best you can heal

Share the best you can share

——-

Then Claim the best you can claim

and Live the best you can live

——-

Cause you got only once

And YOU DESERVE It

Oh yes YOU DO

and That’s my wish — for ME & MINE

© Marie Abanga Sept 2017

Enjoy an upcoming artist and be inspired to be the best you can this weekend and always, Amen

Some say I took the easy way out: really?


easy way out

Hello world,

This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.

Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.

The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.

I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.

Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.

I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?

Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.

  1. I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
  2. I published another memoir on my brother’s journey with a mental illness as if his having epilepsy wasn’t ‘stigma and shame’ enough!;
  3. I admitted to being a victim and propagator of domestic abuse in yet another unconventional memoir!
  4. And then bam, I published my own personal journey with mental challenges!!!
  5. Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!

So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going  to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?

Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:

  1. A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
  2. ‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
  3. Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
  4. Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
  5. And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
  6. The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…

So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;

DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?

 If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?

I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes

I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;

Have a great mid week o

Easy way out quote