P.s: from a very terrified me last night to a serene me this night. I watch this seemingly natural occurrence, where in the midst of change of routine, grief and some more, sleep is affected and it’s ok to watch the process. Maybe taming it with some hot cocoa and writing can help for real.
Hello world, my week is not starting off as planned, and sometimes I think of my life as a shop. I once sold in a shop my mum owned at some point, and I remember opening the shop each morning not knowing which type of customers I was going to have to deal with that day. There are different types of customers as you all know, and customer relations is a feat of its own.
My Personal Shop this weekend
It was a weekend with lots of travelling and interludes. I was in Spain since Wednesday for a workshop, and yes I registered a big appointment from an initial disappointment. On Saturday morning, we left the village of Onati for an hour and plus bus ride to the city of Bilbao, ahead of our flights back. The morning was already taking off on a deep low, because my first son was graduating from primary (elementary) school, and my current status as a Transcontinetal Mother hit me hard. I am glad my dearest mum attended his ceremony and kept me up to date on whatsapp. I’ll never be grateful enough to my best heroine and Prodigal Mother. I cried some, but they were more for joy – em mixed to be honest. Luckily I had some friends to be chatting with along the line and I must thank especially June my Jamaican Heroine for being available on whatsapp that whole morning.
The trip back to Brussels took at least 8 good hours because take off for Madrid was at noon, stop over 1 hour, then late departure, then arrival in Brussels at 6 pm. My dear Ss Hero was at the airport to pick me up. Simply touching! I was doing much better by then, better enough to accept an invitation to finally go and check out Brussels By Night!!!
Crying as hard as I Danced
After two hours of serious dancing, I knew my body and feet had kept enough score. I had to leave. Although impulse and compulsion are still ‘gears in my ‘life’s car’, ‘invisible tags on my personal shop window’, I am learning to read the ‘writings on the wall’. However, back home, payback started early. My feet were sort of swollen and a foot bath was imperative.
Sunday saw me groggy and I fought myself out of bed and limped around doing what had to be done, including packing and laundry. The weather didn’t help, it rained cats and whoever… I couldn’t even go to my friend’s. There was at least very good news too, my friend Pammy who had lost her voice over two months ago, started talking again and I heard her on phone. Then I got a call from someone I was expecting something from. I was told it wasn’t going to be. I first tried not to cry. Talked with another friend who just happened to call me shortly thereafter. He cheered me on. But his cheer just swelled my pain. The tears started pouring like the rain outside. I wish I could do a head bath this time around!!! When my friend asked why I was crying so hard, hell I didn’t know!!!
This is how my moods can cycle in one single day. At least I have come to inevitably realize the power of self motivation and the value of true friends. I started trying to motivate myself, considering myself one of the clients I could be coaching. I also reached out that late to my Ss Hero, and fortunately he wasn’t mad at me for skyping that late. We spoke for a good 45 minutes and I felt much better. The headaches didn’t go, but I knew with some sleep no matter how minimal, they would. I have tried tranquillizers and anti-depressants and Heaven and mum know how terrible I look and feel after taking them pills. I am so grateful I am not at that level anymore and hope not to get there.
And so to you my friends with such cycles
I know my cycles may be nothing to write about in the eyes of some of my other ‘shaggy’ friends. I know for some of them, it’s plain “rapid and uncontrolled full swing”. At least I can truly empathize. Please, try to work out a rescue plan and coping strategy before the “electrical haywire”. Remember the few friends you may have be it on or offline. Reach out for help. There is no shame in needing help. Cry, write, sing, pray, read, paint, even dance if you can. Just try something while counting your breathing to at least 100… I am doing just that and I write as it flows with no mask on…, TAKING IT ONE MOMENT AT A TIME BECAUSE AT LEAST AM ALIVE…
mum, author, mental health advocate, therapist, inspires & motivates with personal experiences