Tag Archives: Emotions

Learning to give David some time to cool down too…


 

That is David doing his things. He loves more of solitary play and drawing, than getting mixed up in brawls due to games with others, or mix ups at home. But precisely, the later can’t be avoided, na not among boys right?

So, yesterday morning there was an issue over chocolate paste and how Gaby took too much. David brought that to my attention while Gaby had stepped out do something. Now, Gaby overheard David tell and quickly told him to mind his own business. His words in french were: ‘Jaloux’ (jealous). Of course David wasn’t pleased and before I realized it they were manning up to each other and flinging more words around.

Gaby knows David’s soft spots and plays with those, going as far as calling him ‘bébé au lait’ (literally meaning milk baby – like weakling or so). I had to step in their middle to avert a fight.

I managed to get David to sit down and take off his school bag, then I rubbed him on his back several times. His heart was beating real fast. After a few minutes, I tried to get him to talk but he wouldn’t. We were all running late and so I desperately asked him if he needed more time to process his emotions. He said yes. He at least identified the emotion of Anger from the chart of emotions we have on the wall, and he told me he felt like punching Gaby even if he loved him very much.

I had to let him be because I realized he wasn’t ready to say any more. He was neither ready to talk with Gaby, not to mention make the customary peace of hugging each other while saying it’s going to be ok, and I still love you. Did I mention the last incident between those two which however gladly ended in a tripartite peace making was on Sunday?

Anyway, I learnt from the incident that, just like I sometimes want time off to process my emotions before moving on, so too do kids. I could in a position of authority threaten him into talking or force the peace making, but was that going to be real? Given that I don’t like fake relationships and actions or reactions, I will not expect that of any other including – even especially my children. I hope by the time he comes back from school he has forgotten about the whole incident. I asked Alain who is in the same secondary school with him, to check on him at break time out of sibling love.

My own sibling story is even tougher mindless the sex and age hahaha

Dear gentle readers, in life in whichever relationship, we have to respect the other and not seek to force them to keep to our pace, relate only in a certain way, or be the one we think is best for them. I share this events in my life, to inspire and motivate with my own reality. It all about seeking a holistic wellbeing and giving your children a balanced and good foundation

p.s: 8 pm 20.02.18 I get back home and the two fight out of the door to be the first to greet me are… yes you guess right: David et Gaby (I actually often confuse their names or pronounce in such a one the one comes when I meant the other). David tells me the anger was gone by short break and he felt fine. He choose peace over conflict and forgave Gaby

Have a great midweek all

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A very emotional day: finally ready to see where he was buried


Hello world, some update from my village.

 Starting with if you’ll call this good news: the internet connection cut 3 months ago has been restored. Am therefore writing this post as a tribute to that restoration;

Second emotional news: I saw my dad and although I didn’t get a hug, I got so much more. I put my hand on his shoulder and he put one of his behind me too. Some may see this as a no event but to me this is such a big deal… See our smiles…gratitude for the peace… Also reconnected with my big step sister today am thankful and I spoke to the daughter of a late cousin I was so fond of. Indeed we had same surnames and age oh we were pals…

Third and toughest emotional news, I finally did go and see where my brother Gabriel was buried. When he died in the US and his corps was brought home, I flew in from Belgium but refused going to see where he’ll be buried. He is buried behind my dad’s compound, and although I have been here some months ago, I didn’t feel ready going there. Could my going there today mean I was ready for some sort of closure about his death ahead of the medical mission starting tomorrow?

Sometimes in life, some grief shake us up and we near lose our bearings. We have different ways and timelines of dealing with grief, but I wish we all give it a try and not let fear ruin it for us. Even grief at a relationship we so looked up to or one causing us so much pain, we need to find the strength to deal and heal for our mental wellbeing.

Wishing us all a happy weekend… 

I started the day with tears but am much better now… Sharing this to let someone somewhere going through similar stuff know they ain’t alone

Benedicta my heroine in Wum


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Benedicta so carefree as she leads me to the village spot for fetching water 

Hello world, happy midweek. Here I come again with another thrilling post of a heroine I met all the way in Wum – North West Region of Cameroon – Yes the same place I met my hero and teacher Erico. Meeting all my heros and heroines are definitely part of my journey here below, experiences I so appreciate and am grateful for, and the lessons learnt cum memories will definitely help me tremendously in my coaching and motivational speaker career. When does that officially kick off only the Master Lord knows… In the meantime, follow me and my heroine Benedicta as we go around the village.

How it all started

Aunty let me go and carry it for you her tiny self said! You still look so tired and there are many children there!

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My Lovely Afro Wig is souvenir now, there was I on arrival straight; from that red car filled with 8 people and 2 babies

Hmm, I wanted some water for my evening bath but I sure didn’t want small Benedicta to go carry it for me. You see, when I got to the village by noon that day, I was in dire need of a bath, having travelled from Douala my city all night to Bamenda, and then all morning in another small and jam packed car from Bamenda to Wum. The second distance of 50 kms lasted three hours  (hope you understand the state of such a road). I was brought water by an adult in law of mine but when I realized there was no running water in the compound, I decided after a while to go fetch that I’ll use at night. The water in that village is cold to the extend that when you bathe with it, you either catch a fever or are healed of one period.

But Benedicta I asked, why can’t I go with you and carry my own myself? If you can go so too can I right?

water-path
Almost 15 minutes later we were still going to the spot and I was definitely slowing Benedicta down

At last, we seemed to have arrived because I spotted this:

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Mainly Kids go fetch water I as she had warned

I realized the beautiful water tank or whatever it looked like, was built by their Member of Parliament. Our government had better priorities than providing such basic amemnities to the whole country. And yet, the taps on that thing weren’t even running – HA!

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Between January and 15-02-2017 it was already looking so upbeat, rust and the taps didn’t run

I didn’t have to ask any questions, I just followed Benedicta to a nearby spot

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Sort of a local dam

See how the water flows, talk of patience being a virtue! And I couldn’t bully all those children right? So I waited. And then I started to think of the way back, but when I saw Benedicta smiling and chating with all those other kids, I relaxed. Wwe finally fetched our water and we headed back home as you can see below

 

Once home, my heroine quickly offered that we go again – Euh  –  emm I give Benedicta some money to buy herself a lolipop on the way and quickly dash off to join the other women prepare food to cook in one of our warm village kitchens

 

If you were in my place and given my age, will you go for a second round? Isn’t Benedicta so sweet? 

Wishing us all a happy new Month

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care…


Avant Poem: Hello World, barely a day into the new year I come up with such a poem? Well, it is not my actual state of mind, but the inspiration came and reflects my reality at some and other times… Above all, I want to think there are some people somewhere going through stuffs and currently their state of mind may pretty much reflect that… Am I a sort of Voice of the Voiceless?

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I feel…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how you feel…

Sometimes I simply don’t wanna care how they feel…

Sometimes it’s simply so hard to care…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I look…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I speak…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I walk…

Sometimes I simply  very simply don’t wanna care…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what they say…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what they do…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what goes on…

Sometimes I just truly really don’t wanna care

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am moody…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am grouchy…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am sleazy

Sometimes caring is just so oh so hard…

 

Post Poem: It may seem at the time one goes through all or pretty much of the above, that it’ll never come to pass… but since life itself is fleeting, so to is all that… hence I got and went for the apt sometimes… 

Wishing us all the best and so so much more for this new year – Am a January girl, I love fresh starts especially at the beginning of a year and so I’ll trying to show as much in my blogging this month…

When No One Wanted Her


There was a girl I knew

A difficult Childhood she had

A shaggy life she led

All were getting fed up

Her mama said out you go

And I said in you come

All just hissed and sighed

What difference can you they murmured

I only know love to show

I can relate and that is it

She made some lefts and then a big right

Today she makes dem proud

Am faded in the background

I treasure the beautiful bond we share

Mama is how she calls me

Ain’t that worth every pound of gold?

Ah there goes human nature

Flashbacks I will always have

To that time when no one wanted her…

P.S: This poem is just my raw feelings today… Six awesome and challenging years we spent until I left for me… My baby girl gets married tomorrow…I am so grateful to my Almighty Father and to all who have stood by my in whatever way…

P.P.S: hmm just two days ago another ‘broken angel’ came to my door…

My Personal Prayer


for-my-pp

Hello my e-family, in my last post on our source of Peace, I promised to share my personal prayer with you all. It is simply personal because I crafted it, but oh it’s a prayer out of inspiration which any of us can use just like we use David’s or Solomon’s. if even just one person is inspired or motivated by my journey and prayer, then sharing it all and undertaking the journey with such stubborn and passionate faith is worth it.

I’ll share my leagcy eventually lest we not start thinking that Marie is looking forward to leave this world just yet 🙂

Here we go:

Jesuit Spiritual Retreat Center Douala

Friday 28th October 2016

 

Dear Lord, today and always, please grant me the serenity and discernment to choose what better leads to your deepening your life within me. May I hold myself in balance at all times, ever aware and fully conscious of your marvelous masterpiece of creation in me.

You search me and you know me, you love me and you forgive me, you need me and you lead; all I ask is for the Grace to always seek to know and do your will in every circumstance with total gratitude.

May I be able to always put on your armor, to generously be an inspiration and motivation to those you put on my path, with my experiences in your everlasting and merciful way.

Counting on Mary’s intercession, to thee I lift up my prayers in Jesus’ name Amen.

Running Away From…?


shed-them-off

There comes a point in time

When you muster the courage for the review

You look at them inside out

The flash cards of the lifeathon

The near out of breathe you’ve sometimes experienced

The long and wide distances you’ve covered

The impulsive, compulsive & obsessive thoughts and actions

The numerous and sometimes weird people who took you oh for so granted

The ceaseless times you doubted, loathed and devalued your own self

The frustration, exasperation and near extinction

The very tricky race…

Ah: Who were you running away from?

Oh:


What were you running away from?

You’re near a decade to half a century old

And there seems to be no one else following you but you

Ain’t it real time to look at those flash cards again?

To stop piling new ones onto what seems like a trash hip?

Oh how I wish this could be a fairy tale

The likes I dreamt of reading Cinderella and Snow White

Couldn’t there be a life school with a kindergarden section?

One you really went to before formal school?

Well, am counting my blessing and seizing every chance

I REALLY CAN’T KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME

Several dawns have come by since my 3 decades and a half

I guess now is time for that spiritual retreat

When it was first offered I scorned

Oh how I thank you Lord for my source of unconditional love

3 days of just me and YOU in all intimacy

To hell ever running away from … again

Stepping on the dreaded scale and other musings of mine…


What’s Up ?

Copyright Phototèque ACCOR.Photo Gilles TRILLARD.So, I am in Abidjan since 1 pm today, and although the hotel I am lodged at has greatly tempered my excitement to be here because of it’s ‘wifi which is out of service’ (and now works only at the recption), I am still happy to be here. This hotel was the first to be built in this country in 1952, and among their distinguished guests you have General Charles de Gaule and H.E Felix Houphuet Boigny – the 1st and awesome president of this country known as Cote D’Ivoire. I remember grumbling to mum I wasn’t sure I’ll be glad here because there’s no gym at the hotel, but then on flight I read the palmares of the hotel and I was like mum you see where I am? And it’s close to the beach meaning I can go there and jog, and my room gives out to that view oh my, just see for yourself…

View from my room, that's where am going jogging
View from my room, that’s where am going jogging

And what about stepping on the dreaded scale ?

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One of our backstreet medical cabinets, I have sour memories of going to one of such years ago

Ok, over to my stepping on the dreaded scale right ? No sooner had I posted the book review of the Latte Years which narrates Philippa’s brave journey to shed 30 good kilos and more life aches, than it came haunting me that I had definitely put on some ‘feelable’ weight since my return to Cameroon last August 2015. I returned home weighing and feeling 75kgs, but now although I hadn’t stepped on any scale since I returned, I felt ‘heavy’ to say it simple. I didn’t feel like I was back to 115kgs like in 2010, but I had to know what the scales said.

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Another of our backstreet medical cabinets

I bravely went out to find a scale I could step on, and see the verdict for myself. I did have to look around to find a scale because I didn’t have one at home, and the nearby ‘medical cabinets’ like this one which are in my neighbourhood, were either still closed or didn’t have a scale. I hadn’t had breakfast yet because I wanted to weigh ‘light’ you know, and I needed to step on that scale sun or showers even if only to justify my ‘skipping breakfast’.

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A famous polyclinique in my neighbourhood

I finally went to the nearest Clinic and gladly stepped on the scale. Bam 79.850 kgs. Let me honestly say the needle was very close to 900 grams and my face fell. It took me 2 tough years to lose 30 kgs, how many months now to lose 5 ? I just need to lose them by December latest and I am joining Dyane’s team on Lose It – No more excuses period.

Other Musings

I successfuly tried some new aspects of me out and am definitely pleased with the results :

1) I didn’t pack a month before my trip although I couldn’t do that on the eve either. I gave in to my anxious mind and did pack a week before. I used too when I was in secondary school, return home in June and be all packed ready to go back by July although school resumed only in September;

2) I didn’t leave my house for the airport at 5 am as I had been struggling in my mind to do, all in a rational that I could be late for my 7.50 departure if I wasn’t that early at the Airport. I chided myself and calmed down and left at 5.45 am, got to the airport on time ( a 25 mins drive from my home), and checked in fine and waited quite some at the departure lounge…

3) I didn’t ask for an aisle seat nor wear my winter jacket on the plane. There was a time my legs got all wobbly when I was on a plane and so I always asked for an aisle seat to stretch them out. I equally ever felt so cold in the plane I just had to have my winter jacket or several pullovers on. Sometimes even back home in the Douala heat, I will have a pullover on and I couldn’t stand neither a fan nor AC. Things are definitely getting better and now on the first time since my return from Belgium, I sat in an assigned middle seat, and I didn’t wear my winter jacket. I had brought it with me but at last minute shoved it in my hand luggage…

4) The flight was on the average cool, but I wasn’t in the mood to chit chat on the flight. I had ear plugs on anyway and I could feel my neighbour wanting so much to chat by the glances he kept making. I finally borrowed his magazine and smiled at him. I equally bothered him some to go to the loo and this is one reason I might as well ask for that aisle seat after all. I do use the loo way too much both on flight or on the ground.

5) Ah my luggage almost didn’t show up and I started panicking and near crying pitying myself it it didn’t. I have been through those scenarios more than once and if it happens in Africa, either I lose it altogether or it shows up on the eve of my departure. Some more polite countries like Tanzania sent it to my hotel, others just called and said it was at their ‘wherever’. I therefore started pleading with the luggage wherever it was and I begged that it surely wouldn’t want me filling one more of those forms right? After 20 or so minutes, it showed up almost the last piece and I was so full of love for it. I almost shouted out: “What took you so long Hon?” (I did say that to myself and I was the last guest on that hotel list who hadn’t shown up in the arrival hall yet)…

6) I meet friendly Isa the luggage help who told me much in 10 minutes and made me already plan to go visit his area which is opposite the lagoon where my hotel is. You first take a ferry to cross and then a bagoda to go to his area. When I told Isa I was from Cameroon, he gave me a military salute. Our countries seem to have a love affair especially since our ‘football star’ Samuel Eto Fils married one of theirs.

Oh me this area girl huh? And then I have just me a guy call Pape referred to me by our favourite foreign currency exchange agent called Marabout – more plans for after conference outings for dinner already being made… hmm la vie est belle la…

Dear World, I am learning and loving so much, and am filled with so much gratitude at the awesomeness of my Lord. I even got another big surprise on my arrival at the hotel and this one is still so much for me to share. I just wish us all so much well in all our corners of the globe and all our different endeavours…

Pray thee: what happened to my Me Moments…


am so full of Gratitude
am so full of Gratitude

It’s been barely a year and month since I relocated back home from yet another of my ‘flights into the wilderness’, but I discovered one awesome thing this last time precisely in Belgium. I discovered there was a Me and that this Me deserved to have her own Moments. Gosh it was like an epiphany. I set out to become best friends with Me, and oh my we so treated ourselves to some moments.

Souvenirs like these boosts the moods tons
Souvenirs like these boosts the moods tons

When I returned home, we went on two great moments to the sea side cities of Limbe and Kribi, and we built further into our relationship.

enjoying some ccnut

On the Limbe trip, I got to finish my fourth memoir and looked at some of my biggest fears squarely, making firm resolves to deal with them thoroughly when the showed up.

These Me Moments have helped me tremendously, but alas they were toned down or near written off when I moved into a place of my own and took my boys with me… This was my main reason for coming back anyway, so that was hurray and neither Me Moments nor Blogging as I used to do it, could take my mind off from that Graceful Vocation of Motherhood…

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I have however come to realize to my pleasure and our satisfaction, that Me Moments are still possible… I take off for them in the minutes when I wake up and have time to meditate and pray; while I step out early for my workout in all that quiet; when on a work trip I treat us to a lunch and get to discover new dishes like Green Rice; and much more…

And now oh my, I get a week away in Ivory Coast precisely in beautiful Abidjan; and although it’s actually a conference am attending on yes a full scholarship, I would have all my nights and pre conference mornings for Me Moments. There is even a 20 free hours after the conference before my return flight…

So dear world, I am super grateful to the Universe and my Lord for these twists and turns, and for the possibility to embrace them and make the most of them for my holistic wellbeing. And you, any such Me Moments?

Happy midweek to us all…

I Knew this Anxiety and Nervousness was coming…


Hello world,

Yesterday as I travelled to Boston, I wanted to do a little cherry post on PhilaPlush and PhilaPower as I felt about Philadephia. I tried to take a few pictures for that, and to first map out the structure and content in my head. Yet I just couldn’t get it straight. Alas that post may be for some other time if any at all.

It’s raining now in my head and I just have to be patient

I have to start by telling my gentle readers to be gentle with my blog this week or don’t click on any of my posts this week. I feel it coming, the anxiety and nervousness and I am not pretending to be strong or snap over or out of it… I am letting it rain in my head, maybe flow out through my eyes and maybe hole myself in some. I’ll just try not to let the rain ruin it all for me. Yes, I had a cool weekend and a calm bus trip to Boston.

Nimbus Cloud build up in my head

  1. I attend a gala on Saturday which finishes at 4.30 am and am kindly driven back home by 5 am. I shower and try to sleep but phone calls and messages etc wouldn’t let me be. It is sometimes very hard for people to understand you can’t always be the one they ‘know or think’ you are or should be;
  2. And yet I have to be in the Bus at 11 am at a station an hour’s drive away from where I live. I had negligently bought a ticket to depart from Baltimore MD, without checking with whoever on the ground, how close or far away it was from wherever I was hoping to live. I knew I was sure gonna be in MD and just thought that well it was all in MD. So, the fact  that I can’t get there on my own by public transportation because that will  take 3.30 hours, that I have to negotiate for a ride and get same from a sweet friend who has just worked himself out before and during the the weekend to make the events a success, that I just can’t sleep straight or comfortable on that 9 hours bus ride to Boston, all these build ups for the nimbus cloud in my head.

Trying to Smile and be Brave

Those are Gaby's shorts I have on
Those are Gaby’s shorts I have on

This picture was taken in Wetchester County in the State of NY wherever that is… well during a bus stop so we could get some food etc. I know I look and feel drenched. My left eye is swollen and I just want more coffee (I took some before leaving Hyatsville MD and although I know that was maybe not going to help me sleep, I didn’t think I was going to sleep anyway). Well I took a frappucino instead which I think is better especially in my circumstance.

I am going to try to brave the next two days out here. But I am going to be very patient and kind with my self. I don’t care who thinks I should be over this by now or that I could try harder. Some pain is simply put, Black Pain. I am not trying to live up to anyone’s expectations right now but mine, and am expecting real emotional moments. I started by having a crapy night and getting out of bed at 5 am this morning, and finally deciding to start writing instead of just watching the rain fall so hard in my head. I wanted to go out for a walk (yes the urge is to walk the 1 hour to and fro to Gaby’s last abode), but I changed my mind and decided to write all this down first, and also wait to greet my kind hosts when they wake up. I sure will go to that apartment and to my Brother’s table (he told me he went there often).

Let it flow to let it go

I once watched a movie where this phrase was often used. Now I’ll remind myself of this throughout my Boston stay. Whatever the emotions and all, I’ll try my best to let it flow to let it go. I can’t and wouldn’t pretend. If I don’t want to hold any ‘pleasant discussions’, I wouldn’t. If I don’t want to visit or be visited by any ‘family’ out here, I wouldn’t. This is also why I play hard and make the best of my ‘happy’ moments and meetings with people like Marilyn, Sherry and Richie. Hmm, yesterday I sat next to none other but a monk – ziplock that mouth of yours which fortunately was not even in the mood for chit chat. I could at least take this picture from the top seat I had paid to reserve and was already beating myself for wasting that reservation:

At least reserving that top front seat wasn't all in vain
At least reserving that top front seat wasn’t all in vain