Tag Archives: faith

It ain’t all glamour: Be prepared to be or feel foolish and lonely big time…


Fasting and day 1
Day 1 01/03/18 Recap of vision, goal and strategy

PRE-SCRIPT: Scheduling this post for 6.05 pm once I break my fast, contrary to midnight as in the first two stages, is a testament to how much I missed blogging

It is not like I expected it to be all rosy this spiritual journey; no I didn’t expect any palms on my my path to say it plain. After all and above all, I am doing this all alone, under no direction, supervision or approval – seeking or waiting for no validation, counting not even on my own small allowance but on the Lord’s Grace and Strength. I mean, it will take some real heart to hear someone talk all this and not feel, think or even outright say they are ‘foolish’! – Just listen to, watch or outright ask Jim Carrey

Am I ‘foolish’ then? Do I feel ‘foolish’? Am I lonely?

I have been told I am ‘foolish’. ‘foolish’ to put so much on hold, have nothing saved up for real, and then ‘claim to be embarking’ on such a weird and seemingly ‘self-absorbed’ journey – call it spiritual or purification – it makes no logical or coherent sense especially with a swollen eye seemingly tagging you along as you journey on! Truth be told; it indeed makes no sense even to me – and yes to some extent I may be ‘foolish’.

As for lonely – oh big time. I don’t mind it but it still sucks some. Then lonely without trollers is much better than my current type of lonely. Let me stop at this. But am ok with being lonely, I own and appreciate and embrace it and choose that over being accepted and found ‘conventional’.

What else if not stubborn and hopelessly blind faith can get me ready, steady and set for a journey I know not the destination nor have a concrete nor convincing plan? I mean, when I was asked what was the plan, and I didn’t even have anything to babel with and still don’t – ah poor me right? I really had and still have none to provide or illustrate period! How ‘foolish’of you was the chorus. If I were to keep track of the number of times I have heard the word ‘foolish’ since I started (even just a day or so ago), ha I should be long way gone by now !

Is this a pattern for those who decide to set themselves aside like Peace Pilgrim; and ‘Trust’ their Higher Power, Inner Voice, God, or Who/Whatever you call Him/Her/Them? Again, Just listen to, watch or outright ask Jim Carrey (more current than Peace Pilgrim)

This apparent ‘foolishness ‘even makes it and me seem and look awkward and ridiculously hopeless. I have been brought down my knees not because I was hungry, but because I didn’t quiet know where the next meal will come from to feed my sons- take this literally…

I have read and now affirm, that when You say Yes Lord I am Ready, be prepared to Watch it all near go away until you become a near veteran beggar and Trust on Him and Him only. If you are into business, it starts to trickle out moment by slow moment. If into working with clients and co, the appointments, numbers and all may take a big toll downwards…

A lot seems to not go right (in this illusive world), and it could seem all is linked to your ‘irrational and illogical’ choice to embark on the journey you have embarked on.

When I once read that God loves our undivided attention, I though that was just a reality for nuns, monks and other religious – not for an ordinary woman like myself. I would be lying to say I haven’t been conflicted some throughout this journey whose third stage just ended. Will share more about these in due time.

I have felt foolish as a result, foolish of my persistence and perseverance with a passion I  discovered. The determination, discipline and dedication I am putting in, can make even a 3 year old wonder if the prize will be a Gold Trophy. Who knows for real, I am prepared to keep being and feeling foolish if that is the price to pay for such faith, no matter how ‘foolish’ it may all seem and sound.

That faith which is so beautifully described in the Bible as among others: ‘evidence in things not seen … in things hoped for…’ And I don’t need my eyes to see what I will get if I persevere to the end – nope, sorry, yes I may be foolish if I can’t list them and point them all out to you, that my faith thing once more… That hope fuels me on!

It was a very peaceful 21 days of spiritual journey and fasting from all the stuffs am fasting from, and to cape it, while starting and staying on a very fulfilling once in a life time internship at the lone psychiatric unit of our main public hospital here in Douala.

Food being one of the stuffs am fasting from, is the least of my preoccupation. I dealt with food issues midway into stage two. Arriving at a point where I don’t react to smells nor get upset if others are eating or cooking some nice or foul smelling stuff by me. I can cook all day and be indifferent to food even after the hour to stop fasting has long past. This to me is self discipline and mastery. When I break my fast, I nourish my body just as well – I have even battled with me to eat during this stage argh.

Even just a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed I could have such faith to embark on such a journey, and stand it all so strong.

I AM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR THE AMAZING GRACE, AND FOR ALL THE ANGELS ON MY PATH.

Dear gentle readers and followers, be oh so positively inspired and motivated to strive on in faith in whichever area of your life you may need to work on. Be mindful of your universe as much as possible, be open to the possibility of several angels on your own path too, you may need to be more prudent than myself, that way you are not – or do not feel outright ‘foolish’.

Grateful for a 3 days break to share some with you all before my fourth and final stage…

 

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Which is your faith… I was asked?


Souvenir of the Desert 2011
A souvenir of the desert era precisely Dubai-2011; after my first 30 days fast lol

The Stubborn but Passionate one I answered…

No no, like in which church do you go to they insisted?

Is faith now relegated to a church you attend, I fired back?

Ah Marie ok, which religion do you practice?

Papa please faith and religion are not the same to me oh

And the conversation stopped there and I got the look…one I seem to get a little more these days which may be intended to make me look weird, or queer or self absorbed or any of those names which have been thrown at me recently hahaha

When I blogged that I was starting a 70 day spiritual retreat cum fasting, hell let loose. I didn’t really get comments here, but since the post was shared on facebook, twitter and sure the fastest means of communication ever; “hear-say, I got them solicited and unsolicited feedback in abundance.

a) so you mean you now have faith more than all of us?

b) so you mean you now hear voices?

c) so you mean you can do the impossible?

d) so you mean you don’t need anybody’s advice even the doctor’s or a priest? …

Ok, with the type of faith I have, could it now be clear why I am who I am? I have long had such faith, but I compromised myself way too much. Wanting to be accepted and to belong – conform, to be believed in  lol

I am difficult to persuade or dissuade…try it. I listen to all schools of thought, do my research, pray over it and then take my decision. Let me get burnt and learn my lesson, I love such lessons and already have over double dozen catalogs (like in the days when it was chic to order via a catalog hahaha)

Let me borrow this from the awesome book The Way which am reading all over again. He wrote it in 1954 and it was simply put revolutionary – no spoilers but hmm, one of those books which reads you too. And so he says in point 14: “Don’t waste your time and your energy – which belong to God – throwing stones at the dogs that bark at you on your way. Ignore them”.

And so dear all, 14 days ago I wrote that I was steady for stage 2, I made it by Grace… slightly tougher than stage one, give myself a 75% ( this was really a getting steady stage, got upset a few more times – may be also side effects of some Primalan or etc I was prescribed ha)but that’s still a bravo for me. I am so thrilled to be back and passionate about the possibility of sharing 6/7 more posts with all my gentle readers and followers before setting out on stage three.

The not so good news is that I have a swollen eye which has been around for close to 20 days now and I was taking my part in its healing slow. I went to to the ophthalmologist finally last Wednesday (near regretted I did spend my money for a nonchalant 10 mins consultation and prescriptions for all including tests and lenses and no diagnosis even ha). So, I gave those products up to today to make any impact (ignored the tests nor lenses prescription -not wearing both hearing aids and lenses period) and all I was getting was blurred vision+drowsiness+sour and dry mouth… I recalled not having read the side effects of those products, having even pressured to be told what they were specifically for. When I FINALLY (better late than never but best to always read once product is bought) read the side effects of the three products he prescribed this afternoon, I identified with some of those effects, and thus decided to go full scale natural remedy during this 3 days break. I got me some Aloe Vera and Cucumber, I also have turmeric and honey , some this and that. I googled how to use them for a sore eye, and am fixing them up to use them religiously for the next three days. We’ll see how that goes lol, but I have already used some semi-frozen Aloe Vera Gel on the eyes, drank a glass of the gel too (yummy negative), put a slice of cucumber dipped in real cold water on each, dropped in turmeric mixed with mild warm water, eaten 3 spoons of garlic+turmeric +chopped onions+moringa leaves +ginger+honey ha – full healing in 3 days by the force of my faith, and put some ice cube on the hurting one – I swear I already feel better and the boys notice a difference…I never heard of overdose with natural remedy nor side effects so am all enrolled…my inner compass is guiding me once more… I drank an xl cup of warm milk and honey too, didn’t feel it right to drop that in the eyes hahaha

 

Thanks to all well wishers, and I wish us all be faithful to our faith in who or whatever we put or see same…inner peace is my compass, which indicates the right direction in matters of my faith.

Happy Sunday (happy Palm Sunday to all who celebrate this day) …this post seems so befitting of a Sunday right? Hope it was a good and soulful read…

 

Thanks to Gaby’s Shi Shi I enjoy an hour of walking; and muggle down memory lane


 

I will write an entire blog post at the end of this special spiritual journey/fasting, to share my personal experience, the pros and cons of such a profound journey. But let me just state the fact that whenever you decide to do something in life, the ego and the self centered self seek to take center stage and direct you. This will definitely conflict if what you are embarking on is spiritual in nature – for example a fast.

On Wednesday 07/03, the 7th day of stage 1 of this thrilling spiritual journey am on, a conflict arose in the form of how to deal with Gaby’s Shi Shi*. He didn’t want to bathe – inshort he didn’t want to go to school even though they were starting 4th sequence exams that morning. Hod up now, he even wanted to switch education systems again back to French ha. I don’t even know where to start with the merry go round…

I first told him to give me a minute and I went into my loo to pray. I asked for serenity and discernment (Those are the first lines of my personal prayer). There wasn’t much time left. I invited Gaby to come bathe with me (inviting or allowing any of them into the loo my love is a privilege no one wants to ruin), he was calm and started singing as he often does when bathing. I joined in (I hadn’t planned on going out that early nor going for a walk, I wanted to do some small sports once they all left) and sang and danced with him until I realized he was in no haste to leave of course lol.

He said if I should please accompany him to school which was the idea I had anyway. We walked kind of fast (20 mins and not 40 when you don’t hold his hand and he gets to kick pebbles and watch birds hahaha), and by midway he was more mellow and we started to gist. At the school entrance, he met some friends and all was good – bye mummy…

It was then I continued walking taking a longer route, and I stopped by my former landlady (who owns the home where my marital sagas unfolded leading to my fleeing – she knows it all and stepped in a few times God bless Ma Made). Her grand daughter now a young miss, asked after the boys and especially about ‘le petit Alain la’. She still thinks of them like small boys although she is only a year older than Alain now. When I jokingly told her Alain was big and macho and could date her now, Maeva blushed and sad lol like they do. I always check in on Ma Made every now and then because she was simply put awesome to me and us all when we were her tenants.

When I got home, I met David outside (the college guy didn’t have school today because their class finished exams yesterday, and they were asked to stay home for a 3 day break,  while Alain finishes today) He was fiddling with the neighbour’s motor bike, and I was taken down memory lane…

Thanks to Gaby therefore, I had a good 56 minutes walk, I saw Ma made and Maeva (whom I last saw on New Year’s morning), and I sat on the neighbour’s motor bike and went down memory’s lane to a moment in time when I had a length Period of Grace before my relocation back home.

All in all, I didn’t raise my voice nor use a whip, Gaby bathe and went to school not whinning anymore about moving back to french system of education, I did exercise and got even some extra.

When life shows up with some twists, twist yourself around calmly and you may just have fun in the process like I did…

*Shi Shi: local slang in french to mean childish whining or something of the sort

p.s: My friend comes back from school 2 good hours after they closed, he stopped at a friend’s house he slurs. I look at him like that… sigh and say a silent prayer, then I take away 2 of the 3 mangoes I kept for him. He loves mangoes very much, maybe he could learn a lesson from there? I mean he could tell or ask me this morning he wanted to hang out at a friend’s after school; and that’s not even cool to just leave school and go to peoples’ homes like you don’t have one right?

Sharing to inspire and motivate especially parents in the blogosphere – wishing us all loads of patience in dealing with and bringing them kids up

Fasting is not for the faint of faith in the fast


Day 3 of fasting
Am eating all of this during this 3 days break lol

Wow, 1st 3-days break and I am super excited. I will publish 5/6 posts during this break because yes, I missed writing out here – so bear with me gentle followers.

On a more serene note, the above picture was taken on day three of my fast, a Saturday, I was back from the biggest farmers’market in Central Africa – found thankfully in Douala like 30/40 mins away from my home, I bought all that and fixed them all up for the month – or however long we can keep that lol. I worked in that kitchen all day, because I love cooking (big temptation if you are fasting but I had no option and could do that lol), and only left that kitchen at 6 pm. Someone said wow?

So, as I announced last week, I started a spiritual/purification journey of 70 days as guided by my inner compass and this includes a 4 stage fasts with there being a 3 days break in between the stages.

Fasting and day 1
resume of what am fasting from, and how day 1 went

I am fasting from 6 things as directed- and as you can see if you use magnifying glasses lol (food, anger, worry, hate, attack thoughts and yes the last one is sex, so that doesn’t even cross my mind during this period), and to be honest, so far so good. I sincerely evaluate myself 80% and this is an A – Period.

The day started off so cool because it had rained cats and dogs the previous night. I walked Aime’s son to school, well she came along, I worked with my dearest Sahadat (you’ll read about her before stage two begins I promise) from home, talked for long with my son Israel, it’d been such a while and I so love to connect with this full of promise adopted son of mine, and to make my first day so special, another small daughter of mine who was looking to connect with her dad all these years, called me to announce the good news. She is 22 and has never spoken to nor seen her dad. I once helped her zoom trails to find him to no avail. What a first day right?

It takes stubborn but passionate faith to walk such fate especially if any fasting whatsoever is involved. I mean I ate no pin, and tried my very best to fast from the other items. The 20% less is the shaky thoughts because am human of course… but I have faith in the fast… I said I was ready and stand by that…

Let me borrow from my friend Pammie’s view on faith: “faith is not a religious faith…it is trust in life-serving-life” and this is why I am going through this 70 day purification and fasting. I have faith in the outcome.

And so, me thinks, to fast especially in stages and for so long, whatever the motive (be it for health, wealth, weight, or religion prescribed) you need to have faith in the fast. No fast cars involved here, you have to walk your talk.

To, summarize this first post of my first break from my first stage of fasting, I am so grateful for the Grace to fast. The picture below is me that same saturday after working all day. I sate down to a full tray of a balanced diet which included a detox home made juice (smoothie if you want lol)  in the red cup, a succulent fresh mango, some fresh tender corn on the cob home cooked of course, a yummy risotto in rice salad style, pap and enough water to fill my thirst tank hahaha. It was not so clear by the time I wrapped all up and freshened up,  but the focus should be on my tray and not my face hahaha

 

IMG_20180303_192508.jpg

So seven days later, here I am trying my best. Happy with the firm implementation of my 3D principles of Determination, Discipline and Dedication. The spiritual fruits are already starting to bud… but that will be fully revealed at the end. I could however treat myself to a hefty dinner and ignore the irritation on my eye and knee cap – guess my body not so pleased with me o

 

On this day when my girl would have turned 10: I am ready for my purification by Faith and not by Fear!!!


marie-the-baby
My baby girl had this much hair

I feel that inner compass shifting towards which direction I can’t tell yet so clearly. I have had a searching soul for so long, only late year it dawned to me it had become a serene soul. The poems written thereafter will be published eventually and can sure attest to that.

I realize there has been a gradual preparation for a spiritual journey since 2008 when I learnt the toughest lesson I think I’ll ever learn from life. The daughter I had been so badly craving for, was born and buried in less than 24 hours. The pain I felt on that has only been seconded by the pain I felt when my brother Gabriel died.

Ange Claire as I named her, was born on the 27 of February 2008 at noon, and died on the 28th of February 2008 at 3:52 am. That lesson was called DETACHMENT.

Today, I am ready as directly from within, to start with my official purification as from March 1st 2018.

The following are some of the books accompanying me along:

  • Peace Pilgrim;
  • Every Day Meditation with James Allen;
  • Fasting and Eating for Health: A Medical Doctor’s Program For Conquering Disease;

  • A Course In Miracles;
  • Chicken Soup for Your Soul: Counting Your Blessings

Some of my most cherished prayers include:

See us all during each of my breaks, thanks for all the best wishes and prayer thoughts

Hopeless…Hopeful


 

She crawled under her bed

It made no more sense

Such sham & shame

The Weight

Mind & Mass

Needless living on

Who cares what goes on

Sensless, pointless, needless

It is truly

HOPELESS

……….

she publishes a 4th memoir

Kinda movie

The 360°

Transformations

Hardwork

Tough Choices & Sacrifices

Faith, Hope, Love

It is truly

HOPEFUL

……….
(C) 2017 Marie Abanga

The end

Hopeful and Hopeless directions.  Opposite traffic sign.

P.s: Officially and in my inspired way, fully embracing my story and engraving it in my heart and on all walls of my home. I actually did crawl and stay for a while under my hospital bed the morning my daughter died, I prayed the ground open up for me. I spiralled for 6 months and survived another 6. Then although pregnant once again, it felt not worth living. I picked up a knife and then I got a kick from within and I dropped it hot. The transformation started dripping in from that moment… Be inspired…

Dear e-family: Please pray for my family and I


There was an accident since Wednesday; now one person in a coma since yesterday. I can’t give more details, distraught. I have faith in prayers and believe in angels. Thank you for your moral support and kind thoughts.

 

Update: 18/07/2017

The person got discharged from hospital yesterday, all is well which ends well Amen. Thank you for your moral support and kind thoughts.

Mother is Gold Gathering


Hello world, so this was me at the IMA gatherings for mothers yesterday to talk about singlemotherhood. It was awesome although the media guy didn’t come and so did many invitees. Due to security reasons ahead of today which is ‘national unity day’ in Cameroon_ the event was ordered to be over by 6.30 pm. In Africa and maybe elsewhere, when you say an event is due to start at 3 or 4 pm, well people start trickling in by 6 pm.  I thought I was running and I took my time because I had decided to do so henceforth, and yet I was still the first person there.

Anyway, in images for our collective eyes. My VIP guess was none other than Alain who also spoke twice to his sheer…

You can tell it is us by our smiles lol

A selfie just before the event started

Happy weekend to us all

Mother…


Mother

No one can take your place oh  mother

If you be mad the child still hopes

Yet you may not be conscious about that and it hurts

Nevertheless we all think of you our mothers

Most of us mothers know what is unconditional love

We felt it right from within the womb

Hence we may find it hard to think the baby ain’t ours forever

The seasons change, the years go by

That baby could become a mother too

If you mother never let her be, never taught her to love yet let go, ain’t that an unhealthy mental cycle in place?

Oh mother, you who so give your all

To love them all or almost

Relationships sometimes so complex

Challenging and yet nurturing

Dread and dare and darling all dished out

Is that how it works for all? Could that be nature’s doing?

I wish there were a mother’s manual but I think flowing from the heart is best… No matter how mixed the signals, mother is all we have, motherhood ain’t never an easy hood

 

Love your mothers nothing withstanding, it ain’t easy for neither them nor us – above all take care of your mental health – I attend the IMA Gold gathering with my first son and I am super excited he’ll be seeing me on stage for the first time

Alone time to better position yourself…


Alone time 1

Hello world, this is a short post but I hope the title and graphics tell us it not one to be taken lightly. I will as usual use a personal incident to illucidate why I so value alone time.

One day a few weeks ago I returned home from seeing off a friend and there was smoke in the kitchen. It later on turned out my last son Gaby had turned the burner on and gone off to take a shower and then forgotten about what was on the stove. David had put some rice to warm us as I was leaving, and after he turned it off, Gaby taught he hadn’t done done a good heat up. When I came back, already stressed from some incident during the day, I was so angry I was shaking… all the what ifs were running wild in my head… I instinctly gave David a slap and just realized that wasn’t the best approach… I had tears in my eyes and the boy was apparently so shocked he burst into tears too… I quickly went and locked myself in my room and put some soothing music… I stayed in there for like 45 mins and although they all came knocking on the door, I had to calm down completely before letting them in. We talked, made peace and I was so sorry. I was however glad I locked myself up and got that alone time…

alone-time 2

We need alone time especially to care for ourselves, our mental health, take perpective etc. I call them My Me Moments and used to plan them and structure them and all… but now, even when I wake up and have some precious 15 minutes before the boys barge in, am grateful…I take even blogging breaks when I need to and I don’t appologize for saying No I can’t go with someone because I’ll rather stay by myself home… Life can be so hectic, these alone times are so needed to better position oneself

Alone time 3

Exif_JPEG_420
Precious alone time in on the beach Dakar after sports

And you gentle readers and followers, any thoughts on alone time?