PRE-SCRIPT: Scheduling this post for 6.05 pm once I break my fast, contrary to midnight as in the first two stages, is a testament to how much I missed blogging
It is not like I expected it to be all rosy this spiritual journey; no I didn’t expect any palms on my my path to say it plain. After all and above all, I am doing this all alone, under no direction, supervision or approval – seeking or waiting for no validation, counting not even on my own small allowance but on the Lord’s Grace and Strength. I mean, it will take some real heart to hear someone talk all this and not feel, think or even outright say they are ‘foolish’! – Just listen to, watch or outright ask Jim Carrey
Am I ‘foolish’ then? Do I feel ‘foolish’? Am I lonely?
I have been told I am ‘foolish’. ‘foolish’ to put so much on hold, have nothing saved up for real, and then ‘claim to be embarking’ on such a weird and seemingly ‘self-absorbed’ journey – call it spiritual or purification – it makes no logical or coherent sense especially with a swollen eye seemingly tagging you along as you journey on! Truth be told; it indeed makes no sense even to me – and yes to some extent I may be ‘foolish’.
As for lonely – oh big time. I don’t mind it but it still sucks some. Then lonely without trollers is much better than my current type of lonely. Let me stop at this. But am ok with being lonely, I own and appreciate and embrace it and choose that over being accepted and found ‘conventional’.
What else if not stubborn and hopelessly blind faith can get me ready, steady and set for a journey I know not the destination nor have a concrete nor convincing plan? I mean, when I was asked what was the plan, and I didn’t even have anything to babel with and still don’t – ah poor me right? I really had and still have none to provide or illustrate period! How ‘foolish’of you was the chorus. If I were to keep track of the number of times I have heard the word ‘foolish’ since I started (even just a day or so ago), ha I should be long way gone by now !
Is this a pattern for those who decide to set themselves aside like Peace Pilgrim; and ‘Trust’ their Higher Power, Inner Voice, God, or Who/Whatever you call Him/Her/Them? Again, Just listen to, watch or outright ask Jim Carrey (more current than Peace Pilgrim)
This apparent ‘foolishness ‘even makes it and me seem and look awkward and ridiculously hopeless. I have been brought down my knees not because I was hungry, but because I didn’t quiet know where the next meal will come from to feed my sons- take this literally…
I have read and now affirm, that when You say Yes Lord I am Ready, be prepared to Watch it all near go away until you become a near veteran beggar and Trust on Him and Him only. If you are into business, it starts to trickle out moment by slow moment. If into working with clients and co, the appointments, numbers and all may take a big toll downwards…
A lot seems to not go right (in this illusive world), and it could seem all is linked to your ‘irrational and illogical’ choice to embark on the journey you have embarked on.
When I once read that God loves our undivided attention, I though that was just a reality for nuns, monks and other religious – not for an ordinary woman like myself. I would be lying to say I haven’t been conflicted some throughout this journey whose third stage just ended. Will share more about these in due time.
I have felt foolish as a result, foolish of my persistence and perseverance with a passion I discovered. The determination, discipline and dedication I am putting in, can make even a 3 year old wonder if the prize will be a Gold Trophy. Who knows for real, I am prepared to keep being and feeling foolish if that is the price to pay for such faith, no matter how ‘foolish’ it may all seem and sound.
That faith which is so beautifully described in the Bible as among others: ‘evidence in things not seen … in things hoped for…’ And I don’t need my eyes to see what I will get if I persevere to the end – nope, sorry, yes I may be foolish if I can’t list them and point them all out to you, that my faith thing once more… That hope fuels me on!
It was a very peaceful 21 days of spiritual journey and fasting from all the stuffs am fasting from, and to cape it, while starting and staying on a very fulfilling once in a life time internship at the lone psychiatric unit of our main public hospital here in Douala.
Food being one of the stuffs am fasting from, is the least of my preoccupation. I dealt with food issues midway into stage two. Arriving at a point where I don’t react to smells nor get upset if others are eating or cooking some nice or foul smelling stuff by me. I can cook all day and be indifferent to food even after the hour to stop fasting has long past. This to me is self discipline and mastery. When I break my fast, I nourish my body just as well – I have even battled with me to eat during this stage argh.
Even just a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed I could have such faith to embark on such a journey, and stand it all so strong.
I AM TRULY GRATEFUL FOR THE AMAZING GRACE, AND FOR ALL THE ANGELS ON MY PATH.
Dear gentle readers and followers, be oh so positively inspired and motivated to strive on in faith in whichever area of your life you may need to work on. Be mindful of your universe as much as possible, be open to the possibility of several angels on your own path too, you may need to be more prudent than myself, that way you are not – or do not feel outright ‘foolish’.
Grateful for a 3 days break to share some with you all before my fourth and final stage…