Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Yes, total Healing from an Abusive past is possible: It took me 7 years


Hello Word Press world, I hope everyone is off to a magic filled start of a new week.

I want to share a personal experience which helped me find total healing from an abusive marriage. I left my marriage in 2011, and when I ran into my ex husband last week, the 5 minutes we shared made me realize my total healing was finally here.

I mean, I have been working and looking so forward to it, I am so happy it happened this month which is the last month of a year full of so much Grace for me.

Below is what I shared on Facebook on that day (14.12.18):

“I just ran into my ex-husband like after more than a year. The last time (01.09.17) we saw each other was at the police station where he had taken me to for breaking his door. I recall breaking the glass on that door with a stick so I could collect my sons ahead of their back to school on 03.09.17. He was called and he came with two cops. The kids and I went there with himself and we spent 4 hours in a cell – they refused to leave me alone or go with him. We were release after I signed a to never go near his house again. We got home at midnight that day, it was super traumatic especially for them. And since then they haven’t seen him either. They refused to go spend summer holidays with neither him nor their paternal grandma, and I refused to force them. He accused me of manipulation. That was a déjà entendu for me. He threatened to ‘disown’ them, and the last I told him during that very heated phone call was that he wasn’t our God. And so, running into him here at Gicam Bonanjo a year and plus later, was cool. Cool because I was happy to see him looking so good. He had some big nerves stuff last year and both his mum and wife called me alarmed and asking me to pray for him. That I did. I don’t have any grudge against him, no energy to hate or whatsoever. I just wish him so much well. I greeted him so warm and asked how he was feeling. I equally asked if he thought of the children and he said yes. He seemed to want to chit chat more but I didn’t want to. Anyways, I am sharing this to encourage especially my fellow sisters going through any such similar, to let all that be. I mean even if you prefer the saying “let sleeping dogs lie” use it and release (find it in you to deal+heal) all that ‘crap’. I just wish we had even taken a selfie hahahaha”
#releasethehurts
#notoshame
#notostigma
#forgiveandmoveon
#IamMAGnectic

We each have our unique journeys, I just share mine to inspire+motivate by Amazing Grace.

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Ain’t Got No Time To Hate


Dear ex, know it for good

Ain’t got no time to hate

You can blackmail forever

I wouldn’t live on forever

Ain’t wasting time to hate

The buttons you so pushed

When you carelessly rode

My lift up, down and round

Finally did the unthinkable

The lift broke down for real

And yet, life has to go on

Ain’t got no time to hate

Me got my lift rebuilt

Learned to service it good

No more careless riders allowed

Ain’t got no time to hate

You can disown dem all you want

You ain’t God and will never be

Me got so much I gotta do

For myself and a distance too

Do whate’r you wish with you

Pray and work harder is what I do

Ain’t got no time to hate

(C) 2018 Marie Abanga

p.s: Wow, and I mean wow…it’s been a long long while I wrote a poem, this should be the first I am writing for publishing in 2018. I mean I have moved from a searching soul to a serene soul and was getting ready to publish my serene soul collection by December, and although this poem is seemingly serene, the circumstances surrounding its composing were a bit disturbing. In a nut shell, x threatened by sms to disown sons because they refused to go with his ‘erratic plans’ this summer. He seems to have stood by his word and followed up saying he ain’t chipping a dime for their back to school. Well, thanks for the pain and inspiration – am not wasting any energy fighting – got my boys already with me and he ain’t God. So, to all in my shoes or anything similar, don’t give in to hate, that’ll eat you up…bring yourself to grieve and then steam it off…don’t give them the luxury of thinking they got you psychologically and emotionally again – Amen

pps: 27/08/18 Update deserved because this is a testimony that love conquers all.  The above saga played out in July and it took me 3 weeks to deal and heal and write that poem for closure. I refused to fight back in human ways, my support system was active, and I let it go. And just on this day when this scheduled poem was published, I receive what I cal a “peace truce phone call”. The balance of the kids fees and needs for the year has been paid. I looked up to the Heavens and said a silent prayer of gratitude. Ain’t got no time to hate and bear any grudges indeed. Sometimes the best fighting is done on your knees and with tears…all is well that ends well

When No One Wanted Her


There was a girl I knew

A difficult Childhood she had

A shaggy life she led

All were getting fed up

Her mama said out you go

And I said in you come

All just hissed and sighed

What difference can you they murmured

I only know love to show

I can relate and that is it

She made some lefts and then a big right

Today she makes dem proud

Am faded in the background

I treasure the beautiful bond we share

Mama is how she calls me

Ain’t that worth every pound of gold?

Ah there goes human nature

Flashbacks I will always have

To that time when no one wanted her…

P.S: This poem is just my raw feelings today… Six awesome and challenging years we spent until I left for me… My baby girl gets married tomorrow…I am so grateful to my Almighty Father and to all who have stood by my in whatever way…

P.P.S: hmm just two days ago another ‘broken angel’ came to my door…

Release those bags: A picture which says it all…


shed-them-off

I truly wish it were not so easier said than done. I however think the emphasis is in striving to release them and not to look back. To care about our mental wellbeing and do something as soon as we can so the weight of those bags not ruin our bones. Of keeping faith in hope, of accepting our limitations mindful of the need to release all of them bags quick before we collapse. Of forgiving ourselves above all, and of releasing the bags as we can; as we move on…

Happy sunday to all, peace and love and healing all the way

Book Review: Secrets in Big Sky Country: A Memoir by Mandy Smith


Innocence abused to the most extreme...
Innocence abused to the most extreme…

Big Secrets which Hurt, Hunt and Haunt until Revealed

I was gripped as I turned the pages. Could this be real life? That a child, no siblings actually, be so abused in different and daunting proportions to the extent that one has to commit suicide? That the author is first of all ‘groomed’ to think it’s special love from ‘daddy’, and that her own mother turns both a blind eye and a lends nothing but a deaf ear to her daughter’s groans?That it gets so bad that when Mandy’s disoriented life leads her to a shabby existence resulting to a rape, and that she nontheless wants to keep her baby, those same parents connive with the doctor to ‘steal’ her baby and up the innocent soul for adoption. Another big hurtful secret which hunts and haunts until Mandy can keep it to herself no more. Her relationship with her daughter can only but take its toll but the ultimate grace is in Mandy’s work to be a tireless advocate of child abuse. Those terrible things which happen to people, makes them victims, leaves them so traumatised and ‘unjustly’ so ashamed, and nearly ‘ruins’ their whole existence unless they brave it to Deal and Heal with and from it all. And this too could be an Everest of its own. This memoir is not for the faint of heart although written in very familial prose. It gets my 5 star and unreserved recommendation.

About the Author and her work

Sometimes these lovely pets are truly far better than 'human animals/beings'
Sometimes these lovely pets are truly far better than ‘human animals/beings’

Mandy Smith was born and raised in Montana, aka “Big Sky Country.” It took five decades for her to find the courage to step out from that closet of shame and reveal what had been hiding in plain sight–familial sex abuse and its ensuing aftermath.

Mandy resides in Portland, Oregon, and is an advocate for child abuse prevention and adult survivors of childhood sex abuse.

“Secrets in Big Sky Country” was a finalist in the 2014 She Writes Press Discovery Memoir Contest, and was listed as BEST OF THE BEST 2015 Books at the book review blog: “It’s Either Sadness or Euphoria.” She used to blog over here

P.S I bought this memoir on January 13th this year, as part of a dozen or so pre birthday treats. I was planning to read many of them on my birthday weekend. Here is the comment I left on Mandy’s blog regarding her memoir: I had read the memoir starting on the 16th at 16 pm on a bus back to Douala, and yes didn’t sleep until I finished same.

Dear Mandy, I don’t have the nerves to click like on this one. I finished your memoir in 24 hours. I thought I loved writing reviews. Hmm what do I write here? I’ll gradually work over it. Thanks for sharing, hope you get to heal and deal which ever way with all those stuffs, sorry for Cliff, oh my …

But When I read a post on Mandy’s blog then that it was her last post for the blog as it was, I knew I had to pull myself once more together and attempt a beffiting review…

This is that house and that is that school


image

This is the house whose fence I jumped over to go fend for food. The one with the red roof. The one where Gaby and I became prisoners in our own room. The one where I sneaked in a stove and kerosine and al so I could cook some rice for us. This is indeed that house where mum almost pushed down the gate in her desperation to see my kid sister. The house where all seemed tended on the outside and yet such explosions simmered within its walls.

Yes this is that house which now hosts the offices of: Transparency International. Irony or what?

image

I gathered the courage on a recent visit to that city, to walk that neighbourhood and purge some more stuffs out. My walk took me to That School:

image

That School I can never remember Dad coming to for any reason whatsoever. Go figure out the kind of Dad we had.

P.S He finally got to calling me today, and I candidly told him where I was emotionally and mentally as far as our relationship was/is concerned.

Wishing us all a happy week!!!

Father I Forgive Thee


forgiveness 2

Yeah, I know the usual will be; Forgive me Father. But may I be unusual, I guess my unconventionality is no more in doubt! Hence my post and the hope that it helps someone out there too!

I am no ‘religious’ and so I deny to go by norms in as much as I am ‘in control’ of my life. I once did a post on my father not seeming to know me, I was furious at the man. This fury got worse with the death of my brother. I have chronicled my feelings and all in both my memoir, and in the soon to be released book on my brother’s journey.

Now, this week has been a difficult one for me (I fear to use very anymore because I seem to cross more ‘shaggy’ terrains nowadays) and the pain only seems to dance around. I  however took the decision to review this area of my mind that had gone blank about this man. Yes my father.

I never got to see him on my recent trips back home: both before and after my brother died. We had some unpleasant phone calls which triggered me so. The first was when I was home in June, and this made me not go to the village to visit him. The second call, just before I went for my brother’s burial, just tuned me off, and I was so emotionally drained that even talking to him while back there, would have been outright hysteric.

I spoke about this ‘saga’ with a big sissy of mine, she’s walked that road with hers several times. We both agreed that letting go and moving on somehow, is the healthiest thing to do. I was also motivated by these quotes I found on my good friend’s blog.

My Brother is ere dead, a memorial mass will be said for him this very morning back home. He held on to dad’s shadow till death; I will have no right bearing a grudge on his account. And as for me, it is time to let go and move on:

forgiveness 1

Father I forgive thee; not because you need it – but because I do;

Father I forgive thee, for all the times you showed to ‘love’ me more than my siblings – it hurt me bad; 

Father I forgive thee, for never being there emotionally, nor physically pretty much of the time;

Father I forgive thee, for not accepting to go to Germany and help find and bring Gaby back when he was so sick and would have so loved to have his daddy show up at least once for him;

Father I forgive thee, for once more not accepting to visit him in the US when you were offered so much including a ticket, and you were already retired;

Father I forgive thee, because you know how badly Gaby longed for you and how much I loved him to want him healed even just by your presence;

Father I forgive thee, for not accepting to call Gaby when I pleaded with you to do so on that fateful June 12th, 2014;

Father I forgive thee, yet I hope you get to imagine what Gaby never got to tell you;

Father I forgive thee, I have to move on and Gaby is dead;

Father I forgive thee, I have come to realize my expectations of you have to be re-assessed and there is no getting younger for both of us;

Father I forgive thee, I hope you find a place sometime somehow, to forgive me too;

Father I wholeheartedly  forgive thee, I wish our relationship resume semblance of cordial until either of us departs – I will give you a call shortly for I can no longer go on awaiting your call!

Yours truly, Ayo

Forgiveness 3Dear gentle readers and followers, forgiveness is a tough feat but it is a healthy hurdle to skip. We hurt ourselves more, by clinging on to grudges so. It takes time, and there is no one size fits all crap here. I just wish any you broken kindred in here, all the best in getting some peace.

© Marie Abanga 2014

A Gardener’s Family!


    My Family 2013 - 11 - My Family

Christmas is a time to celebrate our families right?  The ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? will soon be ringing very loud!

Regardless of the make up of yours, that is still your family. Therefore, as we approach the advent season and start thinking of the Christmas ‘Tree’ let me share with you a piece about my family and hope it gets you to celebrate yours too and remember that whatever may happen, Family to me is Power!

quotes-about-family-16

Were we to go by the African Family context, then mine is a huge ‘Iroko tree’ and I wouldn’t even be able to write about it all for there are some members or rather branches that I either don’t know of or have only heard of on Facebook.

quotes-for-family

Now from the same womb, we are four and then with Mama and Papa, the nuclear one is made up of 6 heads.

My sister before me, ah she’s my favorite in her own right! Do you have any issue you need some worrying done about or some rapid solution found? Talk to her or mention it on Facebook. Do you lack something or have a bruise, draw her attention and watch her worry you to satisfaction. Maybe that’s how all ‘first Born’ are? When I got to Belgium and was so unprepared for the weather, she promised to send me some clothes for she lives close by ( As close as UK is to Belgium better than America right?). Before I could wink, she had mailed me a big card box full of both summer and winter stuffs. I mention just this one and hope it’s ok for her!

Next is Ayo (you read about her in the Gardener’s tale and surely know the meaning by now) Refresh here if you missed that. Well that’s me right? The child who wouldn’t sit in one place. When I was a kid, I managed the family pharmacy and reminded all about their medications. My siblings were often sick and later in life, when trauma struck (No not like in mum dying though) – I temporarily stepped in to mother us four even jumping over the high fence of home to fetch us food and provisions!

My brother – my Angel Gabriel – my one and only – for whom I fought those fights in school and when reproached by the headmistress I lashed out ‘ I saw them beating my brother and so I fought back afterall whose brother…’. He is so peace loving and gentle that the ‘nasty hands’ of a depression (now I know the official diagnosis was bipolar disorder) tried in vain to snatch him from us. Do you want the number of a friend in Tokyo you told him 10 years ago? Then just ask – an aunt once said the hard drive in his head needed some downloading. Yes I fondly remember him sending me my first blue eye lash pencil from Germany!

My last but not the least – she says I am her spine and that we are ‘partners in crime’. I laugh and simply call her Shoop. After listening over and over to Whitney’s song and not being able to keep count of how many times she used the word, I concluded that is the same way I called my sister over and over again. Shoop is a miraculous patient turned doctor. My mother once came late for my graduation because she had to first make sure Shoop had someone to be by her bedside at the hospital. I first saw a kid in a long coma, in the person of my dear Shoop!   family-problem-quotes

My mother already had her post on this blog as my first and best heroine : Refresh here if you missed that: and my Father has his own special corner which will be for next time. I just want to tell you why I love my family so. They didn’t give up on me when I did, thinking I could do it on my own. My sister the one in the UK, even thanked me for letting them back into my life – oh how this chilled me. Talk of a prodigal sister too?

The Italian Mafia always say famiglia è supremo I wonder if anyone has a different view …

Merry Christmas in advance! 131125 EP Christmas tree