Hello world, I am sharing the above for inspiration and motivation. I became a mother over 13 years ago, but can only candidly say I have a home since February 2016. I mean a home with my boys. When I was still married, I never sincerely thought of home like I do now, and didn’t involve my boys in the running/management or concertation of home matters. On the 6th of March 2017, I got the above inspiration and shared same with them. We all agreed those were good affirmations and rules to help our team get by. I am so grateful for all the transformation in my life and the boys I am raising one day and Grace at a time – Amen
Here is to hoping some parents especially single mothers out there are inspired and motivated by my journey alongside my team.
On a very personal note, I am so grateful I found that enormous strength to not involve my children in my ‘fights’ with their dad. I had a small choice when fleeing in 2011 to remove them and ‘hide’ them or give them away – but I decided to sacrifice my ego for their ‘right to their other parent’. Gladly today, there are no more fights and I am even open to co-parenting although that is a dream considering what I know and what the current status quo is.
Back to these fights between parents and the children brought in, it is sad what I have witnessed in life and what follows those children into adulthood.
I watch this movie starring Diana Ross “Double Platinum”, the child was estranged from her mother allegedly ‘for her own good’. The mother’s crime had been that she had uped and fled to pursue her career since her husband was having nothing of it. Now, that dad was hurt the daughter was even considering moving to New York with her mum who had ‘abandonned’ her all these years… Is it the man she left or her daughter? Even if it was her daughter what prevents reconciliation?
On a most personal note once more and as written in my memoirs, I stopped trying to understand what happened with my parents (or between them), and I started trying to have the best relationship I could with each of them in their own measure. I am not chosing one over the other, they are the only mother and father I have. I mean, the approaches to our relationships are different and sometimes go through their own shenanigans and all, but I want to have a relationship with both of them without feeling guilty of letting the one down. When we were kids, I feel we were brought into their fights especially by my father who had the upper hand financially and economically. I think he has learnt his lessons and at 72 he ain’t getting any younger.
I miss my brother
Mum whom I love so much; mindful of all she’s been through with and for me and more
If a child decides to go ‘No contact’ with a parent for their own reasons, that is one thing … but the feel ‘pressured’ to ‘staw away’ physically, emotionally or even spiritually from one parent is outright wrong.
I thank God for the Grace to not make my boys feel or go through that. My house is open both to their dad(s) and the in laws. We are on good terms and they do stop by to see the boys – or call them on phone.
If it is the parent who decides to stay away, not call or not want them to come over … it their loss (not on my conscience). Taking care on your mental wellbeing and helping your child do same is very important in my modest opinion. Don’t make it harder for them please…
David is my Shepard; David is my King; David is my gentleman. David opens the door for me, David likes insisting on the dinning table: ‘after you mama’ and when I ask why he’ll say because it is ‘ladies before gentlemen’. I don’t want to bother his young and fresh mind on what sometimes goes on in the ‘bigger world’. David is my second son aged 10, and he didn’t have an Easter Break per-se because they in final year of primary school had preparatory classes in school daily from 8-12 pm.
And so hmm, that is how David and I came to have a whole week to ourselves at home. I had left his 2 brothers in Buea when I went there to savour Dyane’s epic memoir. Ok, my plan had been to send the three of them to Buea for the Easter break before I knew David wasn’t going to have a break. Now, during the first week of that break, Alain had opthalmologist appointments and now wears glasses, and Gaby the star had a tummy rumble and a wound under his foot which he picked up from one of his many adventures in the neighborhood barefeet of course – oh poor me.
With David, you talk less, do more, and appreciate silence and art more than all. He loves , cooking, drawing or watching one comic or the other. He also has a like minded friend in the neighborhood who goes to his school too. They often hole up in our home after school and draw all those characters they see.
I made it a point to have dinner with David everyday and to help him with any assignments. I thought of what else to do with David, and realized I could start by walking with him to his school. The last time I had walked with them (Gaby is in that school too), was at least 2 months ago and that was a quick dash.
Last Thursday therefore, althought having a hectic day ahead, I decided to walk with David to school. We walked mostly silently, enjoying the breeze and birds chirping , with me making not so successful attempts at conversation. Yet, David was smiling all the way and I later realized he was just happy to have me all to himself and walking with him to his school. When we got there, he asked me to buy him something to eat (we hadn’t had breakfast before leaving, happens sometimes). I also decided to have whatever he opted for so as to taste for myself what they eat in school.
David was so happy he became talkative, introduced near his entire class to me and then em – wished me to enjoy my meal. He wanted to go on with his friends now. My entire day was set to be yummy, nothing could wipe the sweet memory of our walk to school and his joy at introducing his mates to me.
A walk and a sandwich was all it took this day. When I asked David on the eve of his brothers’ return while we had our last quiet dinner together, what he liked most about our ‘home alone’ days, he said the best thing was my walking with him to his school that day, and my not being so stressed out the entire week.
Oh these kids, not only do they notice but they also have their own peculiar benchmarks. Alain the first will shrink if I offer to walk with him to his school for example, and Gaby the last will not be bothered. No I think he will find my presence by his side restraining since he plays as he walks and stones play with him too.
David and buddy Ella notwithstanding her pose lol
David doing his own kind of things – that should be a bow and arrow lol
All in all, although I had hoped to have this Easter break to myself, I have a book I started writing in January and am not finding time to write, I am grateful for what I got – a whole week to bond with David.
If life doesn’t always turn out the way you want, turn yourself out to make the most of it.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to articulate a post; and well I just go with my spirit. Last friday I was faced with one of such posts, and today again here comes another.
I have written a few posts on gratitude; and I end each day I can with enteries into my gratitude journal. It’s made such a tremendous impact in my life. I learnt that from Oprah.
So when someone wondered if they were being acknowledged enough, I quickly recalled pondering at their own lack of appreciation I had personally witnessed on some ocassions.
What goes around comes around. When you can’t bring yourself to say thank you, why expect someone else can? When you can’t be grateful for life and being alive, why expect life to be grateful to have you alive? You’ll find it difficult to live on and that’s just what you’ll keep noticing – the frustrations and adversities.
I am grateful to be alive and to get a second chance at life – seven years into what I call my bonus. I seize all opportunities to show gratitude and I don’t expect it in return – yet get it too so much…
I want to share how moved I was to read a post by Talasi Guerra who struggles from several issues and yet could still be grateful for life – after yet another difficult night.
Wishing us all lots of reflections this week, some bliss and wow moments full of gratitude
This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.
Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.
The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.
I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.
Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.
I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?
Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.
I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!
So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?
Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:
A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…
So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;
DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?
If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?
I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes
I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;
We are approaching the weekend and my ever contemplative and searching soul just thought about what my past has or is still doing to me. I then thought to share it with us all here and maybe inspire others to do their own introspection.
Ok let’s go.
1) Did my past cause me so much pain to make me despise lots of it? YES. I have admitted my role in all the mess of my past and tried to deal with them in different ways all with a bid to heal. Now, we all know the wise saying about not focussing so much on your past to let it influence your present right? Well I dare argue that wisdom so so easier said than done… There are many including myself who have numerous times over been both physical and mental victims – hostage of their pasts. Some pasts have been know to impact so badly our present circumstances so much that the future is completely blurred and unfathomable… but then next;
2) Am I so ashamed of my past to talk about it or share it? Me, NO. When I realized how much shame of my past was killing me slowly and almost got me to drive a knife in, I decided, (even if implementing that took a few years) to deal with that shame and talk about that past through any medium available. For me, it was also a way to fight stigma. The stigma associated with being a ‘loser, a pimp, an addict, a mentally challenged or ill, etc etc’ and who knows whom will be helped by my story right? ok, and so what now;
3) What has facing my past and pain and sharing done? Oh my, the big big positives negate the tiny setbacks or few hate trolls. I even got a national award for my very first memoir. I have become much more self-empowered and aware, so full of gratitude, so conscious of Amazing Grace, so full of faith, oh so determined as a women’s rights and mental health advocate.I hardly turn down any invitation to talk about my past, share my lessons and journey and yes on my own platforms there is no hiding where I come from… I have become one of those brands you don’t mess around with and I am at peace with this ME… Who knows what or where I would have been had I not made that conscious, painful and challenging decision to deal with and heal from my past; and so in conclusion;
Today, I confidently answer that my past has not defined me but it has refined me – it has helped me to embrace self-improvement, self-love, self-appreciation, self-worth and oh my self-esteem is better than ever. This has been a long journey and actually an ongoing one… But, am better equipped and am using that past and pain as solid foundations from which to springboard to greater heights in all faith, hope and charity.
And you…??? Please share cause you really never know who can be helped by your comment