Tag Archives: Fortitude

Come on Stage 4: When I think of the Prize, I am very prepared to pay the Price


img-20180228-wa0009-638465887.jpg

My spiritual journey reached its climax in stage three. Stage four may seem the longest to fast from food in a stretch ie 28 days, but I am very good to go. I have done two 30 days stretches before and am already familiar with that arm of fasting. Actually through out this journey started March 1st, of all things am fasting from, food is the last on my mind. I am proud of how fasting from all the other 6 vip things has been going.

Some small tips:

 

  1. Keep busy, live your life, and keep a cheerful/real demeanour even with a swollen healing eye – so grateful it ain’t a swollen spirit or soul lol;
  2. If you know your why, and then the how plus when, why bother answering the what? You can save that energy cause your resilience will speak for itself lol
  3.  When you break your fast from food each evening, hydrate yourself as much as possible and eat the most balanced next to natural food you can (this has proved a little more challenging for me in this stage though, my belly seems to have shrunk and the appetite taken a hit – but am hanging in and doing my best) ; and while at vip self-care, brush your teeth often and use mouth wash + of course shower a time or two more each day – it all feels so refreshing…

 

I am busy with my internship as a therapist and my studies in psychology (just finished an online diploma course), add this up with single motherhood, my writings plus all the reading and other professional occupations, and you can tell I sometimes struggle to keep track of time lol…indeed am so grateful to the universe… I had the most thrilling first day at the psychiatry unit, starting off by doing something I just so love – cleaning so we could settle down quick and start receiving patients lol

 

I had nine good days home alone this Easter – how grateful could I be?

One other big big bonus from my spiritual journey so far,  is that I have a much clearer and concise picture of my 3 but interconnected career paths…

Thank you all who have been wishing me well all along, by grace in 28 days, and these will fly by pretty soon…

the sports is on esp on day 35
Photo taken on day 35, full workout to celebrate 50% mark which happened to be day 14 of stage three – nicknamed our Valentine’s Day (my God & I)

 

Advertisements

What is my Secret or rather Style???


What is my style (2)
I AM NOT DISTRACTED BY THAT NAGGING SWOLLEN HEALING EYE, SO PLEASE DON’T BE (Photo taken 30.03.18)

 

I haven’t been out rightly asked this question – at least not yet, in as much as my spiritual journey cum purification is concerned. Indeed, nothing intriguing to find out about it all if fasting for 70 days (especially from food lol) were not involved in any way. When I received the message from within that I was to embark on this journey (barely two or so weeks before the due date), and that one of the highlights will be a 70 day fast broken down into 4 stages with a 3 days break between each stage, I couldn’t give up and laugh at my own inner voice. Nope, that’s not me – I am the type obviously who thinks of solutions and not focus or dwell on the situation, scenario or outlook. When you have what you yourself qualify as a stubborn but passionate faith, words like ‘impossible’ don’t faze you – they fuel you. I loved the idea of a spiritual journey, even if only to get me further grounded in my life and aware of who I am and what my purpose in life is, then I was all in. How to go about this journey whose road map I happen not to have, is the whole thrill.

I am proud of the journey so far. It’s candidly been so rewarding even if I may look, be or feel foolish sometime. It actually seems I have a secret right?  I don’t want to call it a secret but a style lol. You know a style like Usain Bolt’s when he runs that fast and shoots his hands in the direction of…like gimmie more…

What has been my style since March 1st 2018 when I started out on this thrilling but complex journey?

  1. I sought to understand what a journey like that could demand and how good in shape I was for one. It doesn’t matter how long this period lasted, it matters how well it lasts. For me it went so well. Three days into this mind and soul exercise, I was ready for the journey. I had three more days to actually start warming up, explaining to my sons (and of course my GA) what was going to go on for the next 70 and more days with me, writing different stuffs down and plans, including a grand celebration plan for give or take May 20th;
  2. Talking about plans, I knew I will be spending some waking hours without food or water, and will have to replenish for two good hours when I broke the food fast daily at 6 pm. Given my own self-imposed rule not to eat after 8 pm except in very special circumstances, this means I have only two hours to drink at least 1.5 l of water and eat plenty of nourishing stuffs (not any easy sometimes, and I battle). If am still around and looking this way, then it means am trying my best;
  3. Trying my best also means trying not to focus at all on what if any am missing on this journey, but look forward or even dream about all am gaining and going to get once am done. This approach has kept me going, even in the midst of great endurance, mental and physical challenges including big objections, frustrations and distractions, including a nagging swollen but healing eye;
  4. I am gratefully seeing the swollen eye find its way out (even if it may seem not so evident lol), and lots of other stuffs I am fasting from don’t even mill around my mind -I could even sit through an Easter meal and not bother. I hardly think of food until 6pm or more, I don’t have attack thoughts and try very hard not to entertain any which strays. I am quick to be compassionate and forgiving towards myself and others who visit in any form with objections, frustrations and distractions;
  5. Last but not the least, talking about others, I decided because I know from precedence; that I was not going to care very much about who thought, felt or did what in relation to my spiritual journey and chosen path (s). So far so good. Some have seemingly understood my style and settled down in their corners, while others are almost out of energy trying to ‘fight’ me or ‘get’ my attention. Given that I have assumed total personal responsibility and accountability for this spiritual journey, I share here because that is in line with my purpose, but I am very serene and nearly not discerning about any unsolicited advice I may get. And all of that is my style for my spiritual journey…

Be inspired and motivated any or everyone

Steady for Stage 2 of my Purification/Spiritual Journey


img-20180228-wa0009-638465887.jpg

How much more serene, peaceful and happy will the next 14 days be? See you on the 15th day and thanks for all the wishes. I have faith in the fast, I treasure my treasure so much, and love the path I see in the horizon carefully charted just for me. The entire path may be daunting, the journey initially lonely, the steps shaky – but in God I Trust and believe in Angels…

My sons, my GA and some of you have been so supportive! I am so grateful and carry everyone in my thoughts…

I have given up a lot including my choice to be angry like when someone stepped on my toes at the market, I can’t even raise my voice again anyhow hahaha

I have lost some relationships already, some are now simply put most shallow. That’s the price you pay when you don’t know how to belong or care about what others say, think or do in reaction to your actions be they for personal growth…which they sadly see as selfish, weird or self-absorbed…hush lady enough now, there we go… What did you learn from the movie The Shift by Dr Dyer?

Thanks to Gaby’s Shi Shi I enjoy an hour of walking; and muggle down memory lane


 

I will write an entire blog post at the end of this special spiritual journey/fasting, to share my personal experience, the pros and cons of such a profound journey. But let me just state the fact that whenever you decide to do something in life, the ego and the self centered self seek to take center stage and direct you. This will definitely conflict if what you are embarking on is spiritual in nature – for example a fast.

On Wednesday 07/03, the 7th day of stage 1 of this thrilling spiritual journey am on, a conflict arose in the form of how to deal with Gaby’s Shi Shi*. He didn’t want to bathe – inshort he didn’t want to go to school even though they were starting 4th sequence exams that morning. Hod up now, he even wanted to switch education systems again back to French ha. I don’t even know where to start with the merry go round…

I first told him to give me a minute and I went into my loo to pray. I asked for serenity and discernment (Those are the first lines of my personal prayer). There wasn’t much time left. I invited Gaby to come bathe with me (inviting or allowing any of them into the loo my love is a privilege no one wants to ruin), he was calm and started singing as he often does when bathing. I joined in (I hadn’t planned on going out that early nor going for a walk, I wanted to do some small sports once they all left) and sang and danced with him until I realized he was in no haste to leave of course lol.

He said if I should please accompany him to school which was the idea I had anyway. We walked kind of fast (20 mins and not 40 when you don’t hold his hand and he gets to kick pebbles and watch birds hahaha), and by midway he was more mellow and we started to gist. At the school entrance, he met some friends and all was good – bye mummy…

It was then I continued walking taking a longer route, and I stopped by my former landlady (who owns the home where my marital sagas unfolded leading to my fleeing – she knows it all and stepped in a few times God bless Ma Made). Her grand daughter now a young miss, asked after the boys and especially about ‘le petit Alain la’. She still thinks of them like small boys although she is only a year older than Alain now. When I jokingly told her Alain was big and macho and could date her now, Maeva blushed and sad lol like they do. I always check in on Ma Made every now and then because she was simply put awesome to me and us all when we were her tenants.

When I got home, I met David outside (the college guy didn’t have school today because their class finished exams yesterday, and they were asked to stay home for a 3 day break,  while Alain finishes today) He was fiddling with the neighbour’s motor bike, and I was taken down memory lane…

Thanks to Gaby therefore, I had a good 56 minutes walk, I saw Ma made and Maeva (whom I last saw on New Year’s morning), and I sat on the neighbour’s motor bike and went down memory’s lane to a moment in time when I had a length Period of Grace before my relocation back home.

All in all, I didn’t raise my voice nor use a whip, Gaby bathe and went to school not whinning anymore about moving back to french system of education, I did exercise and got even some extra.

When life shows up with some twists, twist yourself around calmly and you may just have fun in the process like I did…

*Shi Shi: local slang in french to mean childish whining or something of the sort

p.s: My friend comes back from school 2 good hours after they closed, he stopped at a friend’s house he slurs. I look at him like that… sigh and say a silent prayer, then I take away 2 of the 3 mangoes I kept for him. He loves mangoes very much, maybe he could learn a lesson from there? I mean he could tell or ask me this morning he wanted to hang out at a friend’s after school; and that’s not even cool to just leave school and go to peoples’ homes like you don’t have one right?

Sharing to inspire and motivate especially parents in the blogosphere – wishing us all loads of patience in dealing with and bringing them kids up

My Path


I was seriously walking on my path on day 6 of my purification journey, when Aime my love surprised me with the above snaps as she came back from seeing her son off to school. I had been thinking of the words to a poem titled My Path, and so think these fotos make a good match lol

My Path

I dabbled and dabbled to Stand

Then started of

Crawling and Crawling

Before Walking and Walking

trying finding and finding

my own path

and not the path

traced for me by anyone but God

and when I started seeing and seeing

not with my eyes but with my soul

I saw a path different from theirs

whose vision near blurred my sight

what a head and heartache to have

trying to stay focused

and not ruin any chances

explaining without expecting

why a rugged not a tarred path

because that’s just the way of life

I am forever grateful and graceful

for all the awesome angels

I have met on my path

On this day when my girl would have turned 10: I am ready for my purification by Faith and not by Fear!!!


marie-the-baby
My baby girl had this much hair

I feel that inner compass shifting towards which direction I can’t tell yet so clearly. I have had a searching soul for so long, only late year it dawned to me it had become a serene soul. The poems written thereafter will be published eventually and can sure attest to that.

I realize there has been a gradual preparation for a spiritual journey since 2008 when I learnt the toughest lesson I think I’ll ever learn from life. The daughter I had been so badly craving for, was born and buried in less than 24 hours. The pain I felt on that has only been seconded by the pain I felt when my brother Gabriel died.

Ange Claire as I named her, was born on the 27 of February 2008 at noon, and died on the 28th of February 2008 at 3:52 am. That lesson was called DETACHMENT.

Today, I am ready as directly from within, to start with my official purification as from March 1st 2018.

The following are some of the books accompanying me along:

  • Peace Pilgrim;
  • Every Day Meditation with James Allen;
  • Fasting and Eating for Health: A Medical Doctor’s Program For Conquering Disease;

  • A Course In Miracles;
  • Chicken Soup for Your Soul: Counting Your Blessings

Some of my most cherished prayers include:

See us all during each of my breaks, thanks for all the best wishes and prayer thoughts

On a mini lighter note before I start my purification: Could someone refer me a parenting manual?


So, merry me again, got back home yesterday evening to no electricity and water. Electricity was cut/turned off by the provider – kind of ok news for us out here, they do that every other few days.

But no water, hmm that’s where Gaby comes in. My friend invited friends over for a game of football (there is a field nearby and am tired begging him to take his crew/disciples out there), ok well so I hear the game turned nasty and there was a fight or so. Result for me to validate is: pipe burst and meter off – call plumber dear mama cherie

The neighbour above travelled and I can’t go knocking on the furthest neighbour’s to get some water because she left very early.

Solution to avoid more wahala this morning especially after my friends slept like real logs last night, is to go fetch water for them at the nearby public tap. That I do, and on my way to find oga plumber I slip big time on the muddy foot path. Ashia mama is the chorus when get back. It rained last night and all are in a light mood including myself.

Parenting can be tough let no one fool you. There goes my monday, am sitting here waiting for oga plumber and resigned to working from home. Thank God Gaby gave up his 2000frs savings as contribution to the total repair cost.

Here is to wishing us all parents a good try at this challenging but ultimately rewarding adventure hahaha

When you give only what you want, deal with the fact that the receiver may equally do with it what they want…


Shoes I was given in Yaounde for charity because I asked for them.

Hi world,

Am writing this post on my trip back from Yaounde, although it will be published as scheduled.

Now, before I get into this post which has been on my mind a lot lately, here is some news from me.

I have been told by my inner voice:

  1. That the purification I had long been prepared for since 2008, officially starts on March 1st 2018. What all that means or involves I dont know other than that a 7 days fasting sets the pace;
  2. That I need not worry because some of the elements like that fasting, and talking less and less, I already know, while others like going vegan will eventually be ok;
  3. That I have to henceforth be more vocal and specific about my needs (not wants), and refuse to compromise for my own good.

It is thinking about needs that urged me to write this post.

First things first, I have received so much in life, and I of course give out in equal measure. Now, sharing my cheerfulness or moodyness, and all things internal, hasn’t brought me nor caused me as much head and heartache,like sharing material possessions which I consider external stuffs.

Since almost all material stuffs I have ever had, I received from others (no lie here I have received way too much), when I give those away those who gave me start to complain and even hold a grudge against me a while.

The easiest of these stuffs to I give away are all those clothes, shoes, bags and etc, because well soon am not seen with them and maybe someone else is seen with them.

Am tired of this situation and I did a lot of meditation on this because it has been a pattern from Chidhood. I got the following answers inside me:

  1. Many many people don’t give me what I need (which is definitely not all those material stuffs), but what they want;
  2. The things which I have ever specifically asked for and received, I treasured a longer while even if I ended up more giving them up too than cluttering my poor house or wardrobe (I have a specific number of each piece of clothes I can tolerate, and I can visualize some leaving tomorrow);
  3. I see and meet a lot of people who need those things like the prisoners, some less fortunate friends and relations…so why can I not freely give them? Some even outright ask me for something and the detached me is always so willing and grateful to give.

My conclusion therefore is two fold:

  1. I am no longer accepting any material possessions unless I expressly asked for, or was asked if I needed same;
  2. I will tell anybody giving me something that it may eventually be passed on, that they better consider it as having been given it say to church where you don’t manage what they do with what you give them;
  3. That my late grandma was right in saying that anyone who gave her anything and ever checked or monitored how she chose to use or share them, should stop giving her anything.

This life is already pretty complicated as is, I want to be free to do with mine and all the vanity stuffs I have or receive, the way I want. This of course includes surprises and anything received for the boys until they reach majority and are free to do with those as they want …

Learning to give David some time to cool down too…


 

That is David doing his things. He loves more of solitary play and drawing, than getting mixed up in brawls due to games with others, or mix ups at home. But precisely, the later can’t be avoided, na not among boys right?

So, yesterday morning there was an issue over chocolate paste and how Gaby took too much. David brought that to my attention while Gaby had stepped out do something. Now, Gaby overheard David tell and quickly told him to mind his own business. His words in french were: ‘Jaloux’ (jealous). Of course David wasn’t pleased and before I realized it they were manning up to each other and flinging more words around.

Gaby knows David’s soft spots and plays with those, going as far as calling him ‘bébé au lait’ (literally meaning milk baby – like weakling or so). I had to step in their middle to avert a fight.

I managed to get David to sit down and take off his school bag, then I rubbed him on his back several times. His heart was beating real fast. After a few minutes, I tried to get him to talk but he wouldn’t. We were all running late and so I desperately asked him if he needed more time to process his emotions. He said yes. He at least identified the emotion of Anger from the chart of emotions we have on the wall, and he told me he felt like punching Gaby even if he loved him very much.

I had to let him be because I realized he wasn’t ready to say any more. He was neither ready to talk with Gaby, not to mention make the customary peace of hugging each other while saying it’s going to be ok, and I still love you. Did I mention the last incident between those two which however gladly ended in a tripartite peace making was on Sunday?

Anyway, I learnt from the incident that, just like I sometimes want time off to process my emotions before moving on, so too do kids. I could in a position of authority threaten him into talking or force the peace making, but was that going to be real? Given that I don’t like fake relationships and actions or reactions, I will not expect that of any other including – even especially my children. I hope by the time he comes back from school he has forgotten about the whole incident. I asked Alain who is in the same secondary school with him, to check on him at break time out of sibling love.

My own sibling story is even tougher mindless the sex and age hahaha

Dear gentle readers, in life in whichever relationship, we have to respect the other and not seek to force them to keep to our pace, relate only in a certain way, or be the one we think is best for them. I share this events in my life, to inspire and motivate with my own reality. It all about seeking a holistic wellbeing and giving your children a balanced and good foundation

p.s: 8 pm 20.02.18 I get back home and the two fight out of the door to be the first to greet me are… yes you guess right: David et Gaby (I actually often confuse their names or pronounce in such a one the one comes when I meant the other). David tells me the anger was gone by short break and he felt fine. He choose peace over conflict and forgave Gaby

Have a great midweek all

Let’s talk about cooking and eating: My story


img_20180211_104512397366818.jpg
In any type of Kitchen I am ok to go; that’s the joy of being an area girl

I love that picture very much because it represents so much to me. I am cooking no doubt, but I am cooking in a some what difficult condition. Yet, am doing it with love. That is the whole line of my story at least with cooking.

From my earliest recollection of cooking for my dolly, (mud puddings and iced tea with mint leaves plugged straight from the trees lol) I loved the whole process. I got lost in the art of it all and I had fun taking myself so seriously and vital – dolly was going to stay hungry unless I cooked for her. The mockery and shun offs I got from home at the time when I offered to cook for all, only motivated me to want to cook better lol.

I also knew cooking food was more nutritional than buying food because both parents told us so. Above all, my late mami mami loved cooking, and cooking so deli, I just fell in love with cooking.

I cooked for us siblings when mum left, and for near two years when living in a single bedroom with my late brother in our father’s villa, I smuggled a kerosene cooking stove, and some food every now and then, to cook for us in that room turned home for us. You can all imagine this was traumatic but I was grateful to be able to cook for my brother who was ere so fragile and could not stand not eating like I could, much to the annoyance of step mother.

When I got married, I will cook and make little salads and deserts as often as I could. I did it with love, but oh how it started piercing my soul when hubby stopped eating what I cooked for all sorts of reasons.

Today, I am in a very good place mentally and all, and I still cook with all that love. Indeed in Belgium, my little private restaurant was baptized merry tables. Ah I wish I could a restaurant out here for real as a retirement venture maybe? Hmm, I got them talents and ideas in abundance no joke..

belgium-2014
Not so skinny here though

But now, what about eating? Hmm, I was a skinny child growing up, play in lieu of food was an ideal bargain I tried all the time. But then, I used to be forced to finish my plate so I managed to share it with the table, ground my hair, dress you name it lol

When living with my brother in that our room/cell if you may, eating was not my priority. Not knowing when next provisions would come or the chance to sneak out, jump over the fence with broken bottles and go smuggle them in, meant that I had to hoard or eat carefully. You can imagine eating lost all significance to me. Maybe only later resurfaced as a coping mechanism?

Exactly, that’s what eating became to me for half of my marital life. I started eating in abundance, topping all the yummy I cooked with ice creams and other delis from the bakery etc

i-used-to-be-this-fat-april-2010
Not so genuine smile and weight not appreciated one bit, but helas what can I tell you? on my way to 115

When I hit 115kgs, I knew enough was enough. Breathing indeed became a problem and I had to do something.

I got so angry with myself and the world, I stopped eating period. I hid behing dry fasting from 6-6, to reduce my eating to an apple and a gladd of hot cocoa at night. Needless to say anorexia surfaced and near thrived for 18months until mum threatened then pleaded…

Today, at 77kgs, and with the real and free and lovely me now present, I eat for nourishment and out of love too. Love for me, my body, my children, my family, my guardian angel. I also keep cooking for all with love, conscious too of the effects on my physical wellbeing especially with my RA diagnosis and sometimes very painful reality…when I can’t even lift my hand.

In conclusion, I am especially grateful for all those STILL who eat what I cook with love like my boys, and to all those who understand my pull to their kitchens or loo when I visit them hahaha. Maybe I’ll also take up professional cooking on retirement?

Dear all, while wishing you a happy weekend, may I encourage you to think about why you cook or eat…and to be grateful to be able to do either or both…