Tag Archives: Fortitude

Because I am Human


Because I am human, I have feelings

Because I an human, I have thoughts

Because I am human, I seek to love

Because I am human, I seek to know

Because I am human, I want to be treated as one

Because you are human, you have feelings too

Because you are human, you have thoughts too

Because you are human, you seek to love too

Because you are human, you seek to know too

Because you are human, you want to be treated as one too

How do we humans feel?

How do we humans think?

How do we humans seek to love?

How do we humans seek to know?

How do we humans want to be treated?

I don’t know for sure about you

I only know my word and the weight I give it

I try my best not to take things personal

Steering away from assumptions

making myself clear by saying it as it is

Call that sensitive or insensitive

My attitude is all I can manage

With Inner peace as my main goal

Loving is all I seek to do

The how I learn each day

The why I sometimes don’t even know

The when is only now I have

The what is all things living

Because I am human

Advertisements

Painful Past v Fearful Future


past v future

Hiya love are you coming along?

Going to watch wrestling match

The fiercest of finals it is

Super heavyweights they are

Painful past & Fearful future

I am glad this finals is here at last  

To say those 2 cause havoc so bad

Have so far trashed many out even me

Seriously, none my friend will be

I care less who destroys the other

The door to my mind their favourite abode

Is henceforth closed by my bestie NOW

It’s been a long one coming

Let them wrestle themselves away

 

p.s: Who is coming along? I’ve got some free tickets…

Free Fall…Free Rise


Freely Freely you receive Life

Live same freely; be yoked to none

Dare to Feel how Free it can Flow

If you could just aim for

Free Fall … Free Rise

    …

Why restrain my fall?

When I might miss

The treasure at the bottom?

Why contain my rise?

When I might miss

The shooting star at the top?

Nay: Am going all the way for

Free Fall…Free Rise

   …

Ignorance can lead to arrogance

You think below is all but dirt

And so you hold yourself aloof

And pretend no issues u ever get

But I don’t care: no need for flash

I’ll go all 360 for

Free Fall…Free Rise

   …

The best lesson is often

in the depth and height

Feel it all the way

whichever it may

Free Fall…Free Rise

Don’t Live In Vain.


Source: Don’t Live In Vain. 

I couldn’t help but reblog this. We are in October already, this is 10 good months into a year we were sure many to herald and look forward to. Did we try to live our best each day or hardly a glimpse of hope with survival being the word? To be candid, I had some survival only days but I strived on, not wanting to Live in Vain.

And so we went bowling for a first time yesterday: living not in vain lol

500 Whooping Followers: Someone help, how do I scream Thank you???


followed-blog-500-2x

In May 2014, I tallied:

followed-blog-100-1x

I mean when I started blogging in November 2013, I didn’t have a clue about how I was going to survive this exhilirating enterprise. I know 500 followers is obtained by some in 5 days, but to me this is huge and worth celebrating. Honestly, I am grateful many are not active followers in the sense that they don’t leave comments I will have to respond to. I equally do not blog about fasion, rumour mill or even what’s happening in Americana for all there is to write about.

And this is why, when a wanna be ‘celebrity’ like myself from Cameroon in Africa, starts to blog about serious stuff including ‘washing her dirty linen in public’, and she gets 500 followers, trust me thank you ain’t sufficient.

I am celebrating with some ice cream this afternoon because this to me is an achievement.

I wish I could name all my very special blogging pals (my faithful e-family) aw tribe you know yourselves. Your friendship and blogs and all we share and learn from each others fills me with so much inspiration and motivation – I keep striving to Be the Best I can BE!

Wishing us all an excellent weekend

Photo Therapy: My Journey


marie-the-baby

 

 

Marie June 1991
1991 that famous year: A whole chapter in my first memoir

 

 

 

Dare to look at your pictures and picture your journey. Listen to yourself and talk to yourself. Give yourself permission to deal and heal. The new you will attract new views. It took me such a while and many twists and challenging turns, I dared and fared, I cried out and cried in, I wrote and told and now I have found a balance…I embrace a few many causes and do what I like, love and need. I have been named Phenomenal, me who was once labelled Radical. I am… and I am going to let my light shine all the way and that’s Okay

IMG-20170721-WA0001

Happy weekend to us all

 

A Stint in a cell and more musings from my end


Hello world, I now know what it means sitting in a cell. I sat in one for a few hours yesterday, yes an incident of domestic violence. But hmm, sometimes you need to let your anger and frustration out and not suck it up till you snap. Your mental health also comes at a price so it seems.

I lost my cool because I was provoked, but I am responsible for my choices. I made one, conscious it could lead to the cops being called r a final resolution in civilized terms of the impass.  Well, as I tweeted yesterday afternoon as if by instinct and anticipation: “to make a pig a pet, you might as well have live in the pigsty”. In other words, speak their language. It hurts that I had to stoop that low, but it soothes that he got my message. I wouldn’t be physically or emotionally abused again especially when it concerns my sons. 

There has been quiet some understanding especially from quarters I least expected, and some ‘surprises’ too. But all is well that ends well, my sons and I got back home safely by midnight yesterday.

 This nightmare may not be over, but I know now for sure I have to stop for a few years in thinking they boys could have a relationship with their dad. He is not there for them one bit, packs them up as soon as I send them his way, and sends them to his village until 48 hours to schools resumption.

Now, a few lessons and maybe someone going through something similar may be inspired or motivated who knows:

1) The cell is a sad place no doubt, but your state of mind even while locked up is the determinant. I was so serene, not because I am a lawyer but because I knew there was going to be an outcome and some formal engagements made with regards to the boys and our respective relationships with them or each other;

2) Kids can get traumatized, but talking with them during and after the ordeal is more reassuring than trying to blackmail one person to them, sheild them, scold them or even ignore them. I was fortunate maybe because the boys asked for, to get them with me in the cell;

3) life is to be lived, emotions and feelings are to be felt in the process and handled how best we can. The choices we make to navigate through this all have consequences. We shouldn’t seek to stuff up our anger and frustration, but let them out in the least damaging way. I have resorted to writing, venting, crying, shouting, etc but yesterday I felt only a stronger statement was going to help me. Sadly, I only saw damaging property as a satisfactory way of making that statement. I stopped when I felt I had made a clear enough one.

4) Make peace with what you are dealt: I was prepared to sleep in that cell and make myself as comfy as possible. Indeed, I dozed off while he was giving his one hour long statement, narrating even what was of no relevance to the case at hand, dating as far back as 2008. I was done in 15 minutes. I was so serene even the cops were surprised. All the poems and posts I have written this week seem to have been leading to last night’s saga…I also thought of the poem where I wondered if for the sake of peace was a one way street.

And so all, I hope I haven’t scared anyone with my write up, I write to put this unfortunate incident behind me and to inspire someone who knows. 

Have a nice week and happy labour day in anticipation to my Americana peeps in the house…

Five Reasons why I’ll finish reading High Tide Low Tide…


High Tide Low Tide

Let me think seriously about how or what am going to write in this post – my truth from within my soul…

I have a very good memory, indeed even some events when I was 2 years old are still stacked clearly up there. Books I have all along read, I have since lost count, but still see so many covers flipping through my head and the first xcel sheet I kept with all those titles. And yet, I can’t recall any book I picked up to read and couldn’t proceed because I felt my soul stabbed!!! Here comes the above book, a sort of innocently captivating title right? I mean a very resourceful book if you’ll ask me. So what now?  Let me just write a short paragraph of some of the words which kept stabbing my soul when I tried read the first chapter:

Guilt, Incompetent, Unfortunate, Helpless, Sad, Uneasy, Fake, Farce, Hard, Difficult, Perfect, Imperfect, Irony, Sarcasm, Loser, Bother, Honesty, Failure, Victim, Apprehension, Doom, Darkness, Pain, Memories…

Indeed, the same me who had just a day earlier told the author I was honoured to review the book when approached, couldn’t even read another paragraph. Five days have since past since I got the ARC, I have written about my dilemma and recived invaluable advice and remarks and all; I honestly told Martin the author I was finding reading the book challenging and he was simply put Gracious in very few words. I have decided to continue reading the book – and will honestly review same when I get to the end. Here are five reasons why:

  1. I gave my word: My word is my bond, I have tried to not take my word as seriously in life, but I recently discovered that taking our words seriously is actually one of our personality traits. I am a Consul, in the Sentinel category and my stategy is People Mastery – ah what a personality trait and all. Anyway, I also love when people keep their word to me although I have come to make peace with myself that it ain’t my fault when they don’t;
  2. This book has made me take a personality test: I don’t know how many people have started a book and put it down to take a personality test before resuming reading! I have never done this and gosh it took a book innocently thrust my way to get me to this. I not only took the test, I went premium all the way to learn about my trait and other traits, my trait’s strength and weaknesses, many whys answered, many how tipped on and hmm so much. Thank you HT LT – who knows what else I’ll do before I finish reading you?
  3. I’ll even be getting a hard copy for my home library: Here again another first. I have reviewed so many books, a few times because the authors approached me. I have never gotten a hard copy probably for logistics reasons, but I have equally never asked for one until now. Don’t mind that with my first and I now admit very poignant memoir titled My Unconventional loves…I did mail out 5 or so copies to ‘reviewers’ I contacted online and who said I had to send them a copy… I was new to the business, was chasing reviews and was living in Belgium with a better mailing system than back in Cameroon…indeed that bool HT LT will be mailed from the UK to the US and sent through someone coming to Cameroon when the opportunity arises… that’s us, take it or leave it… Martin Baker took it and out of respect for him I’ll not just let him off to muse like I did, when none of those 5 reviewers who got my book didn’t even bother to even reply my querry;
  4. Martin Baker is a gracious Gentleman (I don’t care how old he is): The day I downloaded the ARC and read just the introduction, I put my kindle down and sent him an email with the first snippet of my apprehension. My guess/calculation going by time is, he read that before sending me a smiley on facebook messenger. None of us replied to the other. Am sure he prayed I didn’t give up just yet, while I sincerely wished I found the courage not to. I then braved on an finished part one, and the dread dregged me on. I let him know once again but told him I seriously wanted to try reading on. See his Gracious words: “Thank you for persevering with the book, i will be very interested in your thoughts”. Isn’t this so gentlemanly? and so I have come to realize the fifth and most important reason am reading this book is for me;
  5. It’s healing and making peace with and for me; and learning to be and do better for others: I watched a movie last night (one luxury I fortunately can manage with the boys being on vacation), titled “A Cross to Bear”. Don’t ask why that one and not another given I have a dozen or more in my library – some say am a ‘mini psychic’ lol. Anyway, the movie line (cause am going to do a review later I want and need to), is that a woman who opens her home to rescue abused or recovering from ‘something’ youn girls, gets to realize she was doing that out of guilt and had to start doing it out of love. Now, with regards to reading this book HT LT, a few other moments in my life ‘guilt over my brother’s demise‘ and not ‘out of love for myself or others in similar situations, has been my hidden motive.

In conclusion therefore, because this book from every indication is so resourceful, I mean I have all the 19 reviews it has on the amazon; because I need to do this for me and for healing and doing the best I can for others living with a mental illness or mental challenge, I will finish reading the book. I am even consoled and motivated by some lines from one of the reviews I found helpful on the amazon written by AngryGnome “…This book is not light hearted reading…But in spite of the serious nature of the illness, it is not depressing, as it is filled with hope, humour and more than a touch of beauty”.

Thank you Martin Baker for contacting me with the request to do a review of your book… you are a gentleman and indeed an invaluable friend to Fran Houston. It may be a slowread, but it’ll hopefully be a good and healing read – I look forward to reviewing same – indeed it’ll be an honour.

This thing called Guilt


Guilt when the Gravel is slammed

Guilt when the sentence is read

Guilt when the diagnosis is pronounced

Guilt even by a mere stare

What is this thing called guilt anyway?

Guilt which lets such fear grab you

Guilt which makes you hate yourself so much

Doesn’t matter if in the end who said what

Others can make you feel guilt

But guilt can come ushered by you

And the thing with such self served guilt

It grabs and mars and makes you guilty

Such guilt can last indefinite

Any smile may just be a camouflage

The thing with this thing is queer

It cankers the mind and not the body

Hence you could be locked up and feel Nada

And yet be free and feel so guilty

It now seems to me a possibility

That this thing called guilt is in the mind

Who says what, does what, thinks what, feels what…

Shouldn’t be the final thing about this thing called guilt

You should decide what you think and do or feel and say about it

I don’t need eyes to see…


I don’t need eyes to see;

I don’t need eyes to see the pain in you!

I don’t need hands to touch;

I don’t need hands to touch the scar in you!

I don’t need ears to hear;

I don’t need ears to hear the scream you scream within!

I don’t need a mouth to taste;

I don’t need a mouth to taste all what you’ve been fed by life;

Dear … I just need you to trust;

I just need you to trust…that I feel YOU…

To trust that I don’t really need eyes to see…

(C) Marie Abanga 2017

Dedicated to the memory of Gabriel and to my 4 sons

P.S: The above poem is an apt summary of my week. Was wondering what or how to write all I have had in me/dealt with this week – another thrilling one with lots of love and lows…and the poetic inspiration came in as I walked to and fro the market. I so love it … Actually, it is a soul search and summary from me to ME, me to YOU, me to THEM, said with love, encouragement, some supplication and yes some defiance… I miss you Gaby, I didn’t know as much nor did so much back then, but I promise you I will do so much henceforth till my own time is up…