Tag Archives: Grief

Our real relationship MC & I (Clarity, Grief & Closure)


This weekend (her burial was yesterday); indeed since June 9th when My MC died, I have gone through a roller coaster of sorts with different emotions, some like pain and grief, plummeting so deep and others like sadness, staying there and keeping me alert and contemplative at the whole point of living.

Some even in my close family circles can’t understand why I should feel so deep and get involved so personal. I decided to just blog about it and get this clear and closed once and for all.

My father had lost his both parents by the age of 8, with his mother dying when he the last was barely 2. By age 12, he found himself in the town of Dschang in the Western Region of Cameroon, that is a 45 or so km from our village of Fontem found geographically in the South West Region. Dschang is French speaking whereas Fontem is English speaking. That was no hindrance for this determined orphan whose family couldn’t afford the 20.000 frs (20 £) school fees required for Sasse College where he had been admitted (one out of 5 only from Fontem). He decided to migrate on his own to Dschang and do all it took to work for his upkeep, master that French language and culture in no time, and pay his fees in one of the public schools which cost 1500frs at the time.

One day as fate and faith will have it, MC’s dad who was Divisional Delegate for Education at the time, visited the school dad was, overlooked into dad’s neat book, marveled at his meticulous handwriting and admired the way his hand shot up to answer questions or ask same. He decided that day he was going to adopt dad and sent a note to dad’s family to that effect. Dad told me he didn’t even send the note, he was ready to move in with one I fondly called ‘Grand pere’ the very next day lol.

My dad clearly owes just so much to this Angel, his family and all. Dad was taken in as a first child, and the couple later on had 8 children with MC being the 7th. Although nearly 2 years older, as I said I didn’t know nor could be bothered.

MC and I did stuffs teens (mischief ones especially) do, including talking about and exploring our sexuality. If that isn’t profound what is? When her dad my ‘Grand Pere’ died in July 2009, I was so heavily pregnant with Gaby I wasn’t even allowed to go into his room at the hospital to bid him farewell. He had insisted dad come in all the way from Fontem to Douala to see him and dad had picked me up on arrival so we go see him together. Shortly after dad arrived, ‘Grand Pere’ I was told looked at dad, nodded, touched his hand and then drew his last breathe.

I didn’t attend his burial either, Gaby was just a week old. Now, before this all, the last time I had gone to Dschang was when I was around 15 years. Life’s twists and turns came and we all went to town and life continued to happen. Keeping in touch was henceforth by phone etc.

3 weeks before MC died, Dad was in Dschang and I decided to go check on him. It was you can tell a soulful home coming. I still have to write about the visit. I prayed for MC on ‘Grand Pere’s’ grave but I guess the dice had been cast – she had endured too much already and couldn’t even talk… Am so glad I reached out to her that weekend with all the love I had and could show in my modest way…

The above should make it clear once and for all why I felt the grief so deep. It was like going to mourn for both ‘Grand Pere’, MC and her two other siblings gone ahead some years earlier at different intervals.

img_20180630_105908
I went for a long walk while burial rites were taking place, that was therapeutic and good for my mental wellbeing

The good news is that, I found healing and closure right there at the burial – so glad I braved it to go. I did stuff I liked like washing the dishes (which is a huge thing at gatherings like this – hence really appreciated) and that was so self soothing, and then I went and spent an hour with MC where she was laid (3,45 am – 4,45 am). I prayed, meditated, read scripture passages on meditation, and listened in silence to MC remind me that life ain’t to be lived in the past participle (as she loved saying). The meditation was also on spot from James Allen: “Who can mend a broken Vase by weeping over it”?.

And so for closure, it is well with my soul. I equally traveled back home safely, and although I haven’t slept properly for 3 straight days, am grateful for the sleep in shifts in the night bus and at the wake. I will make it up gradually… The weekend before was equally partially spent at another burial, the only sibling to a dear school mate…arg life…

It is important in my modest opinion to deal and heal in every circumstance and to do it the way which works best for you. It is therapeutic to Feel your Feelings, Face your Fears and embrace the journey with fortitude and gratitude.

On this note, I cherish MC’s spirit of exuberance and love, I celebrate our memories and am filled with gratitude for knowing her thanks to the largesse of her Angel of a dad who made of my dad the man he is today… Cousin or not, whatever label it is, MC was a soul sister…

Be inspired and motivated us all, happy Sunday everyone

P.s: a brief of my timeline on return home, to inspire and motivate

6 am arrive home

7-9.30 am sleep

10.12.30 pm clean up and cook

3.30 pm – 4.15pm session with client

4.30 – 6 pm power walk for welcome home. I feel so great and know I’ll have a very good and peaceful sleep

Advertisements

Let me go bury My MC and then look forward to a vacation…


My MC‘s burial is this weekend, wake keep tonight and burial 30th – I am probably going to be there by the time this scheduled post goes up. It’s gonna be a brief one…

I will take a break from blogging for 2 weeks hopefully from July 9-23 , to rest and recuperate (ain’t ever easy I know) and next week is flamed up starting actually on Thursday July 5th with Barakah’s event before I move on to Yaounde for the Leading Ladies Conference.

It was barely 1 month ago that I went by night trip to MC their village to visit my dad… The real relationship being that dad an orphan had been adopted by this Angel when he was just 11/12 in a city he knew no one in and was yet to learn French. It had been 2 decades I hadn’t been there because Grand pere (MC’s dad) died in 2009 when I just had Gaby… In short, all these make for at least two more posts…

For now, see you hopefully next month for a couple of days lol

It’s been one half of a year indeed – hmm, let me just bury My MC and see how it goes with the mini break and co

Have a great weekend everyone and till then – one love – do take care of yourselves and take a break when you have to, cause life can be tough and roller coaster…

America’s Ghosts seem to be closing in on the living…


I am just reading about the shootings in the Texas Church on my way to work, and I just want to write this brief post.

  1. I know as in past cases that this incident will be viewed by many differently and am no different;
  2. My views don’t matter but am truly sorry and sadened by the amount of hate and hurt out there;
  3. America like every other country has its ghosts…maybe it is time to acknowledge their helplessness and do some mass healing?
  4. Thinking of America now is scary, even it my country ain’t on the list of forbidden countries, am not going anywhere near that country again. I pray sincerely for all I know and love out there.

ODE TO FELICITA


three times I was down

three times you saw me up

even your own bed

you let me lie

I can’t tell

how much I learn

in all manners

in words & deeds

healing for me & mine

words fail me

2 say how grateful

and now how sorry

I feel your love for yours

and your loss for your dad

(c) Marie A. Abanga Oct 2017

p.s: For my friend Felicita in appreciation for our friendship and in empathy for her loss

Blow – Blow – Blow – Brother of Mine


Blow with the winds

Soar with the waves

Flow with the streams

Blow through our thoughts

Blow – Blow – Blow

– – –

Blow as we wish

Blow as it is

Blow as it won’t come to be

Blow – Blow – Blow

 

(c) Marie Abanga 2017

 

On this day when you left us so heavy laden, I will be missing you most. Yet I will seek to feel you blowing throughout my day.

 

In fond memory of Gabriel Bebonbechem RIP: August 2nd 2014

 

Amen

One of those days when the memory of a loved one drains your zeal…


I didn’t plan to blog today, I didn’t know how I will feel today, I just wished I could go through this day as normally as possible.

My brother of blessed memory was born on the 6th of June 1981.

There are days his memory drives me with so much zeal to do my best for the foundation and my life in general. He wished me and the boys so so much. I loved him to my marrow and oh he went through so so much.

And so today and also the day he died (August 2), are those days when his memory drains that zeal. I am writing hoping to feel better after I publish. Writing is cathartic to me.

To all those who go through such moments in their lives, this too shall come to pass. I don’t even know how to look or talk to mum today. She celebrated his last & 33rd birthday with him on the 6/6/2014 in Boston. 

Ah, Healing it seems to me is a never ending journey…I am immortalizing this day by making a new I’d since forgetting the other one in Dakar

Thank you for reading and having a kind thought for me especially on this day

A very emotional day: finally ready to see where he was buried


Hello world, some update from my village.

 Starting with if you’ll call this good news: the internet connection cut 3 months ago has been restored. Am therefore writing this post as a tribute to that restoration;

Second emotional news: I saw my dad and although I didn’t get a hug, I got so much more. I put my hand on his shoulder and he put one of his behind me too. Some may see this as a no event but to me this is such a big deal… See our smiles…gratitude for the peace… Also reconnected with my big step sister today am thankful and I spoke to the daughter of a late cousin I was so fond of. Indeed we had same surnames and age oh we were pals…

Third and toughest emotional news, I finally did go and see where my brother Gabriel was buried. When he died in the US and his corps was brought home, I flew in from Belgium but refused going to see where he’ll be buried. He is buried behind my dad’s compound, and although I have been here some months ago, I didn’t feel ready going there. Could my going there today mean I was ready for some sort of closure about his death ahead of the medical mission starting tomorrow?

Sometimes in life, some grief shake us up and we near lose our bearings. We have different ways and timelines of dealing with grief, but I wish we all give it a try and not let fear ruin it for us. Even grief at a relationship we so looked up to or one causing us so much pain, we need to find the strength to deal and heal for our mental wellbeing.

Wishing us all a happy weekend… 

I started the day with tears but am much better now… Sharing this to let someone somewhere going through similar stuff know they ain’t alone

It is hard starting all over; it is hard dealing with grief; somethings are so hard…


I lost my skipping rope four months ago and with that my skipping groove. Trying to start all over…ain’t ever easy but am not discouraged. I used to skip 500 at a go, today I could only do 200 average at a go. That’s still a big motivation even if I still feel less flexible than before. Yes you can, don’t give up…

Grief strikes: It is hard not to feel

My darling Donna lost her beloved father yesterday and I feel so sad I can’t be with her in this challenging moment of need

Secondly, a few hours ago I saw a young man on the streets whom I recognized as one of the altar boys at my wedding in 2006. He was so friendly and I met him a few times again thereafter in church and about. Today, he had a bag full of junk and was talking to himself – what could I do?

I travel to my village tomorrow – off network for four days

The medical mission our foundation is organizing kicks off on Friday. Our team leaves the city for the village 8 hours away on not so cool roads tomorrow morning. There is no network there and I will be hyper busy and yet super anxious about stuffs etc – I have tried since monday to prepare myself emotionally and mentally and I just keep my fingers crossed.

I will be taking my skipping rope with me and will try find time to go hike in the woods

Thank you for reading ( more of my short sport clips on my modest youtube chanel) e.g: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEJUclj_ZNM

Am Back and Am using His Phone…


Am trying to be safely anchored ship
Am trying to be safely anchored ship

Grief can make, mould or mare you… Take it from it I have experienced grief and its various effects… Obviously to different extents but … a recent Grief ( Ulla’s passing )propelled me to rush right back to my e-family via our communication outlet par excellence: our blogs or vlogs …

Dear world,

Am Back… I can’t say if it’s gonna be any consistent, but I know for sure Am happy to be back… I didn’t leave altogether, I stayed around reading some of my favorite blogs… But I just realise writing is part of the deal and going by the number of followers I had when I last checked, others sure like reading some of my posts… writing has equally been so so therapeutic for me, I really can’t leave it alone…

Another Grief, one of the most poignant next to the loss of my own daughter, is on another note making me currently… I never knew two years ago I’ll get to this point of smiling when I think of my brother… I think it’s because He Lives on in Me

Am using his phone since Thursday

That's Gaby's phone ontop of my fav kindle, and I put his lone selfie I sound in it on the wallpaper
That’s Gaby’s phone ontop of my fav kindle, and I put his lone selfie I sound in it on the wallpaper… his face is so swelled, probably the meds meds meds…

When he died in August 2014, I wanted so badly to inherit lots from the little he left. I was living in Belgium then, and couldn’t take back lots of his clothes or few house utensils you know… The clothes weren’t going to fit anyway, although I did resize a few and cared less wearing his big snickers… But, I so wanted his mobile phone ans I pleaded with mum then to no avail…Her own Grief was so raw I left it at that

Today, I am finally in possession of one of my priciest legacy from my brother, second only to the memories we shared of things we thought, said and did together…

I sincerely am grateful to mum for giving me my brother’s phone which was successfully unblocked and charged up after two years of non use… I have lots of him physically in my home like most of his house utensils and even beddings… And some clothes… And now the very phone he was using – and sure that on which we last spoke two days to his passing on… his call log was still there oh my …

And you gentle readers and followers, what are some of your priciest legacies from your departed ones?

Wishing us all peace, joy and love in abundance…

Aww it has happened again; Grief strikes our mental health community, join us in solidarity


I love this and have always done my best to practice that.
I love this and have always done my best to practice that.
20150518_065519
Ulla’s dog Solo – ending up Solo for real?

I called her john, I now know her name was Ulla. This makes no difference to me, my grief is once more unbearable. I could hardly sleep last night.

I had thought I was done with blogging, hung up my blogging boots: But how do I not revert to where I found so much solace two years ago when I lost my one and only brother to this same Bipolar Monster?

And guess who was there to help me so very much on with my grief and healing process? Guess who selflessly offered to review My brother’s journey which I maniacally wrote in 30 days? Oh Ulla where do I begin?

You were my hero and heroine and am humbled I wrote you a blog to let you and the world know .

Oh no, what a sad coincidence, that a vigil is planned for you on September 10th 2016, exactly 2 years when I published that post?

Ah our poor, battered, tattered and shattered mental health community… who will research and share all the information with us again?  Oh dear, you cheered us up and fought so hard… even letting us know when things were seemingly so tough your way, that you were still alive.

The grief is still so hard, kindly join us on BLAHPOLAR’S blog come September 10th, to pay her a deserving tribute:

Here are some other blog posts from her other kindred spirits, I know many more others don’t even have it in them to write …

Losing Ulla

An Invitation: JOIN ME on SEPT 10th to Honour ULLA’s Death — Our Lived Experience

Don’t what? Shut up.