Watch my son Alain Michel inspire us on why or how to use social media for our personal development/growth especially during this pandemic. In times like these with some hopelessness and helplessness around especially in our youths, with all the uncertainty around us, and so much toxic and conflicting or confusing stuffs on social media, being prudent, mindful and conscious of why or how we use social media to begin with is very timely. What better voice than that of a 16 year old inspiration to reflect on that? #thereishope #bethehope
My Six year old Marriage died a heavy and painful death. I mean, with all what I did, hmm, its death was even shameful.
But Today, I want to share with you one of those ‘killers’ of my marriage and maybe it is acting somewhere right now too?
You’re probably wondering what next right? I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!
Lack of Communication
A quick re-cap?
Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them. All I was looking for was a refuge!
He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage. I was an adulterous wife, a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.
Now to this post.
My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally. He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.
When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other. Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication. No discussion. No conversation.
And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.
We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits. Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.
I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught. The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital. We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.
Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.
Dear Gentle Followers of mine, you could read more on this post at the Noble Divorce Magazine and sure it would be a pleasure to read your comments or see you share the story…
I am a regular contributor to the Divorce Magazine and the other day, I read with interest an article by JungleDiva on that noble Divorce Magazine where she highlighted her uncle’s premonition about her own marriage.
Her uncle hinted that said because her parents had been divorce, the chances of her own marriage carrying that same ‘gene’ were pretty high.
Yet, I also know it is not an established fact that kids from divorced homes will end up down that same tunnel especially if they marry for the right reasons I suppose. Well, both my sisters are still happily married.
As for me, the stakes were pretty high that I will take that same path, not because of any curse nor family history but by own ‘negligence’ I must confess.
Now, a little history right?
My Parents divorced when I was thirteen or so. I am the second of four siblings but the one all considered the ‘toughest’. They still call me to date ‘L’homme de situation difficile‘ (The man of tough times if I could translate it such).
I took charge soon after our mother left. I skipped the wall at my father’s to go fetch us food and all when our step mother denied that we touch her anything. I also jumped that same high fence to bring my mother some stuffs she left behind and needed. I did this because my dad locked the gate with a key on leaving for work and his wife kept it locked!
I had known from my tender age that all was not right and it hurt me who was considered a favourite of my dad’s. My mother often taught me some good lessons with the whip or her shoe. I was a revolt.
I testified in court at their divorce and none of my siblings had the courage to do so, hence I spoke on our behalf.
Simply put, I grew up my own way, out on the streets or in boarding school, wherever but home.
That was why I wanted so badly to have my own home. There was a problem however, I already had a son and so I wasn’t according to the African Tradition, a worthy woman anymore. Marriage was going to be hard to come by.
I thought I could force one into being and keep it up.
Don’t ask me where I learnt about marriage. Don’t ask me either where I learnt about Love. Still do not ask me what I intended to do to stay married or avoid a divorce at all cost.
So, it came to be that I knew barely nothing about marriage. It came to pass that I knew little or nothing about love. And the inevitable came to happen that my ‘sham of a marriage’ collapsed at even a faster rate than had my parents before mine.
Wow, was that some curse? Was that something to do with my childhood? Was it some mistake on my part?
As for a curse, I don’t believe in those, don’t care to and don’t want to think of that possibility.
Are there any statistics to link kids of divorce homes to their own divorces?
As for mistakes on my part, definitely. There are many. I did not Marry out of Love, I badly loved to get Married and out of what I considered then a jungle.
Secondly, I did not Trust the man I married, well eventually because I started out trusting him until he indicated by his actions that I was wasting my trust.
Finally and yes the big wreck, came via a string of adulteries which pushed me to suicide’s door and then out of the country all together. My tale of Unconventional Loves is now published and both the Paper back and the Kindle versions are on the amazon.
I tell my stories of course just mine and I share them to heal and help further.
I really do not know if there is any statistics to link kids of divorce homes to their own divorces should they get married.
I also had this question asked me during my book launch by a friend: ” This book captures your life during a period of time… Aren’t you worried about the implications it may have on your kids?”
I asked her to explain further and this was her explanation: ” Some stigma may be attached to you and extended to the kids. To be honest, I remember vividly when your parents divorced. No one stopped to blame your Dad- it was always why couldn’t your mother have stayed, what kind of woman is she? Etc. And with your divorce, most people just attribute it to your parent’s divorce. In your case, unfaithfulness – if any of your children stray -well, knowing our society, you know what they would say. Their mother was unfaithful, why would you expect better? ”
And so I gave her this reply: ” you are right and you remember well. All I can say is, stigma don’t mean a damn unless you want it to. They are boys soon to be men and I hope to by my own example teach them to develop thick skin. You know too that regardless of the reasons of a divorce especially back in our country and or continent , the woman is to blame and hence her Children will have to live with it somehow.”
I don’t even know if I would ever get married again at this rate.
I am therefore a little concerned about my own boys marriages should they get married too.
What do I do now? What do I teach them? From where do I start or how do I proceed given that I have only social network routes to them for the moment?
Sincerely, I would appreciate your comments, advise and resources.