Tag Archives: Hate.

America’s Angels and other musings related to mental health…

Hi World,

I don’t know how to qualify my moods today. All is not so good and am near pissed. Why should what happens in America or wherever shake me so? I mean I had a nightmare last night (hardly recall any precedence zut). The KKK were torching 3 homes to be precise – I woke up ant it was 1.28 am I have a clock that reflects on my ceiling. I just have to type all this out and hopefully calm down enough to continue my day which is equally so taxing already with a phone crash last night.

So, yesterday I wrote of America’s ghostsAmerica’s ghosts – I had been planning before the terrible incident of yesterday to blog about America’s Ghosts and America’s Angels after reading the wonderful book by Steve Fugate titled Love Life Walk.

The ghosts of Jim Crow, of the Civil War or the Appropriation, Misapporiations and reservations, the treatment of natives and immigrants (who aren’t fortunate to belong to certain families descendants of immigrants themselves) oh my gosh gosh gosh – I really need to stop reading so vast and caring so much. I now can understand why events likle the collapse of the Berlin Wall or the murder of JFK and etc could drive some off the edge to maniaville completely.

But no I wouldn’t go off any cliff because I am tougher. I will brave this but I now know I should mind more of my business than what the media trusts my way. I will chose what I click period. Las Vegas shooting touched me  and I reached out to mine – but maybe this time because it was in a church and the victim toll – oh my …

And yet America has so many angels. I visited 5 different states in 2015 and took all means of transportation I could just to be in the move – name it I took it maybe except private jet (which I wasn’t even hoping to). I walked of course, took the bus (both in the city and cross city – two different companies even), train, cesna, plane, even hitched a ride in Vermont after visiting my Precious Pammy at the hospital and it was getting dark etc and I have no recollection of being treated shabily. I mean I remember Richie who played some instrument (ah yes the Clarinet) and bout me a soda and told stories all the way, I remember oh this lady who bought me food in the train from VT to DC, I remember Sherry who invited me to spend the night over at Virginia, I mean Pammy whom I had never met who invited me to the US in the first place and contributed towards my air ticket, made up such a nice room for me even though hers was in such a mess, so so many good memories I can’t even remember again. I thought it was because I was a foreigner (don’t ask me if I carried a sign), but when I read Steve Fugate’s book I knew there were Angels indeed in America.

Sadly now, When such a terrible thing occurs, a culprit is to be found asap. Mental health is a suspect par excellence and it’s even cool if records can prove that asap so the case can be closed. But I have known quiet a two hands full in America who live with various mental health challenges, illnesses and etc and they are oh so nice or simply keep to themselves.

Seriously, I am shaken and taking some big measures. No twitter for a while and hardly any facebook. Even if the fire is burning on Mount Cameroon heading towards Douala IDC!!! I am reviewing my interet list on G+ and of course I wouldn’t click any sensational headline again – serves me right.

I know a lot of killings and crap and hatred and hurt out there, but for a human being to calmly take a gun in a church or wherever and gun down others – then something is really wrong somewhere.

I pray for myself and the angels in America to not let the ghosts and nightmare of that country close in on us and mess up further our fragile mental healths.

God Bless America indeed: I feel better having ranted this out here



My Love – Hate – Promising Affair with Sleep

Sleep is all I need

Wow, I feel so better today, hmm almost groovy as in getting my groove back. Yesterday I did a post on vric-vrac-groovy, where I sincerely longed for groovy. I think I am headed in that direction. I got up with the title to a post and even the structure in mind. You see that? I also thought of using my computer so I could do link ups and maybe put a photo or two. Remarkable! I am not going to the gym this morning for two reasons; lest I wear my tendons too much, and lest I can’t differentiate if I can sleep without it due to tiring gym workout.

And so we come to my ‘romantic’ affair with Sleep!

In the beginning was a Love Affair

I know some ‘normies’ would find such a post whatever, but I truly write it for ‘shaggy’ ones like us who sometimes struggle to get going, while at other times, struggle to ‘calm the heck down’.

I grew up sleeping normally like many other kids you know. I actually loved sleeping – at my own direction. Well, for all I remember, siesta wasn’t my portion and my mum soon got fed up trying. Apart from that, I slept like a log! This is how a friend came to describe my sleeping habit of just passing out like a log of wood. If I had the chance of muttering goodnight, then you could throw a party for all you cared, I was already Alice in Wonderland. And just as I logged out, that is how I stormed up like an Alarm clock . My brain clock was first set to 5 am even if I logged off at midnight, then it started cheating on me and fast forwarded to 3 am. At a point in my life, that was ok for me because I loved going out for sports at exactly such ungodly hours. I even came across bandits twice and just told them I was an ‘Area Girl’ (will do a post about this qualification of mine later).

No more Love?

I dare think the relationship got so sour by the time I landed in Europe. Depression was very much flirtingly around every other week. I struggled with ‘settling down’ in this strange land. I still do, but with the exception that I have a road map now for going home by 2016. So, my sleep was DISRUPTED almost completely. Before, I logged off usually at 9/9.30pm, and now, I was lucky to drift off by 10/10.30 pm. The Brainy alarm for its part, kept its rhythm. It even graduated from battery run to electrical. I got up several times before the final 3 am get up, to go to the Loo, wonder about, prepare for the day, do a mug of milk, and whatever. I was concerned. I started to hate sleep. If I sleep, am I even gonna wake up again? If I don’t, am I not just gonna end up in psy ward? My Friend was concerned. When we went on vacation with his family, they got concerned. And then boom, disaster, my darling brother dies. Fuck you sleep which prevented me from hearing the phone ring at midnight as my sister called to tell me. I remember not being able to sleep for even 3 hours for the next three days after that fateful August 2nd. My friend got me a gym subscription, but no matter how tired I got back from there, most of my nights were spent writing his book – I took a month in total to finish it, coupled with all other things I was doing including GRIEVING!!! One thing I didn’t want involved in my affair with sleep, was medication. I refused my shrink’s offer and discussed other options with my life coach, my Mummy dearest and also my Friend.

Back to Promising

This is the third night in a row I am logging a big improvement in that affair of ours. I have gotten up once each of these nights to use the loo, and this very morning I got up finally at 6.45 am!!! Wow, and to think I logged off at 9.30 pm after reading a few pages of Maya Angelou’s “Letter to my Daughter”? Reading is one of the bedtime techniques I use – no doubt bedtime stories do as much to kids 🙂 I think it is on the promising trail. Lots of fluids, fruits, veggies, support especially from my e family and of course my Mummy and co.

It shall come to pass she said

Mum assured me that all those mental and etc challenges of mine shall come to pass. I am so grateful and graceful for her and all the support I have. It’s not easy especially when most people know you for the “Success” you are or represent and all what you do/seem to accomplish and inspire/motivate others. But, I came to realize I couldn’t live parallel lives anymore. I took off my mask, even shaved my hair off. I choose Genuine over Genius – that is, if I can’t have both. I am not even eyeing that rubbish called ‘Genius’.

And so dear gentle readers and followers, I hope sharing this yet another personal story of mine, helps even one other ‘shaggy of us’, to know that whatever we are going through, shall come to pass, albeit even manageable is good right? Have a great Sunday.


I don’t have time to…

I don’t have time indeed to HATE.  Life is short, death is sure, time is unpredictable. Why would I waste whatever i have hating? I choose to Love and live happily. I prefer to wake being grateful for yet the another moment of time to do my best and leave an impact so that where I to run out of time and hence wake up no more, my love and deeds will live on timelessly.