How do you define yourself? Here is my how…

 

 

Interviewed by a TV network on swearing in day: am I interviewlicious or what lol?

That I die, but in the meantime I live giving it my best

I have searched until am now serene

Finding that strength isn’t ever easy to say the least…

How do you define yourself Marie Abanga asked the journalist? and I said the following as it flowed from my heart: “I am a Person of Passions and a Tale of Talents”. What else would you want to know when someone defines themselves in such clear terms? But the look on the journalist’s face wasn’t seemingly satisfactory even if he didn’t say so. The interview was by TV 5 Africa on epilepsy and mental illness, questioning me in my capacity as the Country Director of the Gbm Foundation.

Their background check had indicated I was a lawyer, a mental health advocate, and  an author. They didn’t get the update that I was equally a CBT Therapist, a clinical psychologist, a motivational speaker and a life coach. When I introduced myself therefore at the beginning, I rolled through all the different stuffs I do and how passionate I am about each one and grateful for the different talents. As an author, I have written over 5 books and several poems, some of which I have turned into songs and look forward to going into a studio to record same. I will just stop at these few passions with their accompanying talents.

Indeed, my career path is in three dimensions although I can see them merging in one big jumble in 5 years. The lawyer will meet the Dr in Psy and the author will also join them and one new big path will emerge for me to keep following wherever they lead in all stubborn but passionate faith.

And so, I forge on with my passions, and the one which captivates and occupies me more recently is psychotherapy. I have a diploma with merits in psychology and a distinctions in CBT Therapy. I want to take an Msc in mental health psychology when schools resume and I also want to have a better understanding of addictions, substance abuse, dis-intoxication and rehabilitation.

Indeed, I was recently so honoured when two bloggers offered to write guest articles on the above. I will be putting them up on Wednesday and Friday, and intend to create a page for addiction and resources and its link to mental health.

Having found my purpose and got a very clear revelation of who I am, getting grounded in how I define myself brings me great joy and fills me with tremendous gratitude to God – my Higher Power for all the inspiration and motivation.

And you gentle readers and followers, how do you define yourself if I may ask?

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Because I am Human

Because I am human, I have feelings

Because I an human, I have thoughts

Because I am human, I seek to love

Because I am human, I seek to know

Because I am human, I want to be treated as one

Because you are human, you have feelings too

Because you are human, you have thoughts too

Because you are human, you seek to love too

Because you are human, you seek to know too

Because you are human, you want to be treated as one too

How do we humans feel?

How do we humans think?

How do we humans seek to love?

How do we humans seek to know?

How do we humans want to be treated?

I don’t know for sure about you

I only know my word and the weight I give it

I try my best not to take things personal

Steering away from assumptions

making myself clear by saying it as it is

Call that sensitive or insensitive

My attitude is all I can manage

With Inner peace as my main goal

Loving is all I seek to do

The how I learn each day

The why I sometimes don’t even know

The when is only now I have

The what is all things living

Because I am human

You Shouldn’t… if You Wouldn’t…

Dear A,

You shouldn’t be quick to speak, if you wouldn’t be smart to listen

You shouldn’t be fast to blame, if you wouldn’t be up to the game

You shouldn’t be dumb to condemn, if you wouldn’t be glad if condemned

You shouldn’t try to impress,  if you wouldn’t try when am depressed

You shouldn’t dare to preach, if you wouldn’t try to reach the real me

You shouldn’t fake you care if you wouldn’t dare an extra mile

You shouldn’t bluff you are clean, if you wouldn’t help the unclean

You shouldn’t brag about your sanity, if you wouldn’t learn about insanity

You shouldn’t boast of your country, if you wouldn’t acknowledge its history
P.s: formally putting closure on some troubling mind muggles recently

Five Reasons why I’ll finish reading High Tide Low Tide…

Let me think seriously about how or what am going to write in this post – my truth from within my soul…

I have a very good memory, indeed even some events when I was 2 years old are still stacked clearly up there. Books I have all along read, I have since lost count, but still see so many covers flipping through my head and the first xcel sheet I kept with all those titles. And yet, I can’t recall any book I picked up to read and couldn’t proceed because I felt my soul stabbed!!! Here comes the above book, a sort of innocently captivating title right? I mean a very resourceful book if you’ll ask me. So what now?  Let me just write a short paragraph of some of the words which kept stabbing my soul when I tried read the first chapter:

Guilt, Incompetent, Unfortunate, Helpless, Sad, Uneasy, Fake, Farce, Hard, Difficult, Perfect, Imperfect, Irony, Sarcasm, Loser, Bother, Honesty, Failure, Victim, Apprehension, Doom, Darkness, Pain, Memories…

Indeed, the same me who had just a day earlier told the author I was honoured to review the book when approached, couldn’t even read another paragraph. Five days have since past since I got the ARC, I have written about my dilemma and recived invaluable advice and remarks and all; I honestly told Martin the author I was finding reading the book challenging and he was simply put Gracious in very few words. I have decided to continue reading the book – and will honestly review same when I get to the end. Here are five reasons why:

1. I gave my word: My word is my bond, I have tried to not take my word as seriously in life, but I recently discovered that taking our words seriously is actually one of our personality traits. I am a Consul, in the Sentinel category and my stategy is People Mastery – ah what a personality trait and all. Anyway, I also love when people keep their word to me although I have come to make peace with myself that it ain’t my fault when they don’t;
2. This book has made me take a personality test: I don’t know how many people have started a book and put it down to take a personality test before resuming reading! I have never done this and gosh it took a book innocently thrust my way to get me to this. I not only took the test, I went premium all the way to learn about my trait and other traits, my trait’s strength and weaknesses, many whys answered, many how tipped on and hmm so much. Thank you HT LT – who knows what else I’ll do before I finish reading you?
3. I’ll even be getting a hard copy for my home library: Here again another first. I have reviewed so many books, a few times because the authors approached me. I have never gotten a hard copy probably for logistics reasons, but I have equally never asked for one until now. Don’t mind that with my first and I now admit very poignant memoir titled My Unconventional loves…I did mail out 5 or so copies to ‘reviewers’ I contacted online and who said I had to send them a copy… I was new to the business, was chasing reviews and was living in Belgium with a better mailing system than back in Cameroon…indeed that bool HT LT will be mailed from the UK to the US and sent through someone coming to Cameroon when the opportunity arises… that’s us, take it or leave it… Martin Baker took it and out of respect for him I’ll not just let him off to muse like I did, when none of those 5 reviewers who got my book didn’t even bother to even reply my querry;
4. Martin Baker is a gracious Gentleman (I don’t care how old he is): The day I downloaded the ARC and read just the introduction, I put my kindle down and sent him an email with the first snippet of my apprehension. My guess/calculation going by time is, he read that before sending me a smiley on facebook messenger. None of us replied to the other. Am sure he prayed I didn’t give up just yet, while I sincerely wished I found the courage not to. I then braved on an finished part one, and the dread dregged me on. I let him know once again but told him I seriously wanted to try reading on. See his Gracious words: “Thank you for persevering with the book, i will be very interested in your thoughts”. Isn’t this so gentlemanly? and so I have come to realize the fifth and most important reason am reading this book is for me;
5. It’s healing and making peace with and for me; and learning to be and do better for others: I watched a movie last night (one luxury I fortunately can manage with the boys being on vacation), titled “A Cross to Bear”. Don’t ask why that one and not another given I have a dozen or more in my library – some say am a ‘mini psychic’ lol. Anyway, the movie line (cause am going to do a review later I want and need to), is that a woman who opens her home to rescue abused or recovering from ‘something’ youn girls, gets to realize she was doing that out of guilt and had to start doing it out of love. Now, with regards to reading this book HT LT, a few other moments in my life ‘guilt over my brother’s demise‘ and not ‘out of love for myself or others in similar situations, has been my hidden motive.

In conclusion therefore, because this book from every indication is so resourceful, I mean I have all the 19 reviews it has on the amazon; because I need to do this for me and for healing and doing the best I can for others living with a mental illness or mental challenge, I will finish reading the book. I am even consoled and motivated by some lines from one of the reviews I found helpful on the amazon written by AngryGnome “…This book is not light hearted reading…But in spite of the serious nature of the illness, it is not depressing, as it is filled with hope, humour and more than a touch of beauty”.

Thank you Martin Baker for contacting me with the request to do a review of your book… you are a gentleman and indeed an invaluable friend to Fran Houston. It may be a slowread, but it’ll hopefully be a good and healing read – I look forward to reviewing same – indeed it’ll be an honour.

Be not Ashamed

Be not ashamed to cry

You can’t store it all forever

Crying is no sign of weakness

Humanness if you ask me

An emotion just like others

Be not ashamed to cry

When it hurts so bad

When the knee gets knocked

When the mind goes mad

Crying can help inside out

Be not ashamed to tell

When you’ve gone thru stuff

So shameful you want out

Telling could bring such help

And who knows who you help

Be not ashamed to write

Write it all for you or us

So much therapy if you try

You have to take a step

Ignore stigma and shame

Be not ashamed to read

Read yours and ours

Keeping the brain as busy

Just like you should your body

But be not ashamed of your pace

Be not ashamed to hope

Even when all seems hopeless

The last beat maybe bring a break

Hope that break could lead to a breakthrough

What is life without hope?

Be not ashamed to love

Love yourself and others

Try and try and try

You never can tell when

One more time could be deal

Be not ashamed to be You

P.S: This has personally helped me a lot. I remember hearing Obama and other big figures say asking, crying, reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness but of strenth

If & When you hear am dead…

This may be a weird poem, but It is a poem and honestly one of my best – am grateful for the inspiration; I think I’ll make it stick to my front page forever and when I do leave, leave your comments on this post. Death is for real, face it or not, think about it or not, wish it or not, avoid it or not, it’s the passage even for the US President. I wrote a small chapter on my fear of dying in my last memoir, check it out

If & when you hear am dead

Mourn not for me

am gone where I’ve long dreamt of

alas that’s our ride

think about you more than me

—

If & when you read am dead

smile because I say so

I have tried my best and wrote it all

The good, bad & ugly have I lived

I am grateful for the time I had 

And for all I met

—

If & when you see am dead

you may as well envious be

I have been envious of them too

all those gone ahead to toil no more

this life takes a toll

sometimes the mind loses it all

—

If & when you feel am dead

don’t wish I weren’t

some actually die still living

physical death ain’t not the worse

Maybe just maybe life after now is for real

This and other poems are in a poetry book I am finalizing to offer the universe for free by the end of this month. Stay tuned and have a nice weekend people. Take care of your mental wellbeing

Joys & Challenges of Single Motherhood: My Story P3

The winning team: The joys outweigh the challenges big time

Hello world, the weekend is here and as I promised when I started sharing my single motherhood journey, here is the part three on some joys and challenges. The joys outweigh the challenges although for this post I kept the number for pro and con equal.

When you get lemons in life, do the best lemonade you can and look out for profit.

Shalom and happy weekend to us all

Please Parents: leave the Children out of your fights…Please…

I know I know easier said than done.

On a very personal note, I am so grateful I found that enormous strength to not involve my children in my ‘fights’ with their dad. I had a small choice when fleeing in 2011 to remove them and ‘hide’ them or give them away – but I decided to sacrifice my ego for their ‘right to their other parent’. Gladly today, there are no more fights and I am even open to co-parenting although that is a dream considering what I know and what the current status quo is.

Back to these fights between parents and the children brought in, it is sad what I have witnessed in life and what follows those children into adulthood.

I watch this movie starring Diana Ross “Double Platinum”, the child was estranged from her mother allegedly ‘for her own good’. The mother’s crime had been that she had uped and fled to pursue her career since her husband was having nothing of it. Now, that dad was hurt the daughter was even considering moving to New York with her mum who had ‘abandonned’ her all these years… Is it the man she left or her daughter? Even if it was her daughter what prevents reconciliation?

On a most personal note once more and as written in my memoirs, I stopped trying to understand what happened with my parents (or between them), and I started trying to have the best relationship I could with each of them in their own measure. I am not chosing one over the other, they are the only mother and father I have. I mean, the approaches to our relationships are different and sometimes go through their own shenanigans and all, but I want to have a relationship with both of them without feeling guilty of letting the one down. When we were kids, I feel we were brought into their fights especially by my father who had the upper hand financially and economically. I think he has learnt his lessons and at 72 he ain’t getting any younger.

My Brother and I both loved our parents so much  – He never got to have a relationship with my dad, I am not losing out on that equally in his memory

I miss my brother

Mum whom I love so much; mindful of all she’s been through with and for me and more

If a child decides to go ‘No contact’ with a parent for their own reasons, that is one thing … but the feel ‘pressured’ to ‘staw away’ physically, emotionally or even spiritually from one parent is outright wrong.

I thank God for the Grace to not make my boys feel or go through that. My house is open both to their dad(s) and the in laws. We are on good terms and they do stop by to see the boys – or call them on phone.

If it is the parent who decides to stay away, not call or not want them to come over … it their loss (not on my conscience). Taking care on your mental wellbeing and helping your child do same is very important in my modest opinion. Don’t make it harder for them please…

Happy midweek to you all

If happiness were a crime…

This is why I really try to stay Merry Marie

If happiness were a crime

Then I rather be a felon

Hoping 4 the longest sentence

To last my life time

If happiness were a crime

As it rampantly seems

I’ll seek all plea bargains

If it gets to that point

I feel happiness is a crime

The way some happy are bashed

Seems happiness is to be shunned

Selflessness and service ; carrying your cross

But I beg to differ

Will rather a rebel be

If selfless makes me unhappy

Selfish & happy instead I forge

Some crimes are for the better

Matters not what the law says

Or how some will feel about you

Maybe that’s your sanity at stake

Rather happiness than pity

Empathy and not sympathy

My present circumstances

matter not to my happiness gauge

I’ll really rather be a happy criminal

Exercise, one of those activities which make me so happy

I rebaptised Merry Marie…

Know yourself & to thyself be true…

Emotional and Mental Preparation goes a long way I advocate

I am just back from a trip and I did share some update on Friday and Saturday.

For the main part of the trip and a personal mission, I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally intensely for a week. I knew organizing a medical mission targeting 500 – 1000 beneficiaries was no joke. Yet, all and I mean much did not depend on me. So I was ready to sleep late and deal – heal from overwhelming scenarios as much as I could. Glad to say I lost my cool only once on the DDay.

Today Sunday, was another day however and I had not prepared emotionally and mentally for the day’s events. I wasn’t even aware of  the program up to the last hours. You can imagine how that shook my mind already so frail. I couldn’t make it and yet I was stuck there and had to wait. I was so tired and slept a little but my thoughts of getting back home and my disrupted routine kept bugging me.

I finally got home 5 mins ago and it is 10.30 pm here. My normal sleep time is 9 pm. Yesterday I missed that but I was prepared, today I am not. I have to deal with it. I hope writing my worries down like this with help me. Maybe I will also go drink some hot chocolate, I believe it helps soothe me. 

I know some will say in life you have to be flexible and adapt and face stuffs like a ‘normal’ person. I am not a ‘normal’ person; diagnosis is not what will make me believe I am/or confirm that I am not … Whatever normal person is. I feel more and more mentally taxed by what will otherwise be ‘normal’ to others. Not being able to be ahead of my program or to even know what is planned and well ahead of time, drives me to an edge. Not sleeping on time, not eating what am used to, too much noise and different reactions from people are taxing now more than ever. Sometimes, even an hour’s preparation can do, but I need to be ready in my mind.

I wasn’t like this before. Maybe youthfulness and the ‘people pleaser’ in me made me  very flexible and outgoing etc. I have been through stuffs since then which have plainly caused such trauma; going on nowadays,  my mind gets scared of future foreseeable ‘trauma’ which may be caused by I don’t what… Sometimes I am scared I am becoming emotionally and mentally frail to a not so good edge. Maybe that’s why I try so much self care you know… I don’t want to rely on meds. Hence I need to prepare myself emotionally and mentally well in advance for any program which will change my routine. For example I attend the African Epilepsy Congress in Dakar in 2 weeks and I have been preparing emotionally, mentally and of course logistically since January.

Empathy not suspicion and disgust of people going through such challenging times is needed. Sometimes, it seems the ‘normal’ people don’t understand or are quick to say they do while advising you to just pray, get over it etc. Maybe that’s why people going through such challenges like these isolate themselves and will rather smile and say all is fine, rather than begin to explain what may only be rediculed? Others try to cope doing whatever numbs their feelings of makes then ‘feel happy’ and ‘on top of it all’/

I am what may be considered highly functional, but I love being prepared and also following my routine. Now Sleep evades me and yet my internal alarm clock will do it’s 4 am jingle and I wish to do sports and help the guys off to school. I know it may not work out that way because of the disruption so far. I hate to struggle and have to try calming down by writing all this. But I also share so someone be inspired and motivated. We are in this together.

Here is to my trying to sleep and to good logic of taking people as they come… That is equally fighting mental health stigma when we share our struggles and seek for ways to take care of our mental health