Tag Archives: Honesty

Joys & Challenges of Single Motherhood: My Story P3


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The winning team: The joys outweigh the challenges big time

Hello world, the weekend is here and as I promised when I started sharing my single motherhood journey, here is the part three on some joys and challenges. The joys outweigh the challenges although for this post I kept the number for pro and con equal.

When you get lemons in life, do the best lemonade you can and look out for profit.

Shalom and happy weekend to us all

Please Parents: leave the Children out of your fights…Please…


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I know I know easier said than done.

On a very personal note, I am so grateful I found that enormous strength to not involve my children in my ‘fights’ with their dad. I had a small choice when fleeing in 2011 to remove them and ‘hide’ them or give them away – but I decided to sacrifice my ego for their ‘right to their other parent’. Gladly today, there are no more fights and I am even open to co-parenting although that is a dream considering what I know and what the current status quo is.

Back to these fights between parents and the children brought in, it is sad what I have witnessed in life and what follows those children into adulthood.

I watch this movie starring Diana Ross “Double Platinum”, the child was estranged from her mother allegedly ‘for her own good’. The mother’s crime had been that she had uped and fled to pursue her career since her husband was having nothing of it. Now, that dad was hurt the daughter was even considering moving to New York with her mum who had ‘abandonned’ her all these years… Is it the man she left or her daughter? Even if it was her daughter what prevents reconciliation?

On a most personal note once more and as written in my memoirs, I stopped trying to understand what happened with my parents (or between them), and I started trying to have the best relationship I could with each of them in their own measure. I am not chosing one over the other, they are the only mother and father I have. I mean, the approaches to our relationships are different and sometimes go through their own shenanigans and all, but I want to have a relationship with both of them without feeling guilty of letting the one down. When we were kids, I feel we were brought into their fights especially by my father who had the upper hand financially and economically. I think he has learnt his lessons and at 72 he ain’t getting any younger.

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My Brother and I both loved our parents so much  – He never got to have a relationship with my dad, I am not losing out on that equally in his memory

If a child decides to go ‘No contact’ with a parent for their own reasons, that is one thing … but the feel ‘pressured’ to ‘staw away’ physically, emotionally or even spiritually from one parent is outright wrong.

I thank God for the Grace to not make my boys feel or go through that. My house is open both to their dad(s) and the in laws. We are on good terms and they do stop by to see the boys – or call them on phone.

If it is the parent who decides to stay away, not call or not want them to come over … it their loss (not on my conscience). Taking care on your mental wellbeing and helping your child do same is very important in my modest opinion. Don’t make it harder for them please…

I need my both parents

Happy midweek to you all

If happiness were a crime…


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This is why I really try to stay Merry Marie

If happiness were a crime

Then I rather be a felon

Hoping 4 the longest sentence

To last my life time

If happiness were a crime

As it rampantly seems

I’ll seek all plea bargains

If it gets to that point

I feel happiness is a crime

The way some happy are bashed

Seems happiness is to be shunned

Selflessness and service ; carrying your cross

But I beg to differ

Will rather a rebel be

If selfless makes me unhappy

Selfish & happy instead I forge

Some crimes are for the better

Matters not what the law says

Or how some will feel about you

Maybe that’s your sanity at stake

Rather happiness than pity

Empathy and not sympathy

My present circumstances

matter not to my happiness gauge

I’ll really rather be a happy criminal

Ama happy to keep fit
Exercise, one of those activities which make me so happy

I rebaptised Merry Marie…

Know yourself & to thyself be true…

Emotional and Mental Preparation goes a long way I advocate


I am just back from a trip and I did share some update on Friday and Saturday.

For the main part of the trip and a personal mission, I had prepared myself emotionally and mentally intensely for a week. I knew organizing a medical mission targeting 500 – 1000 beneficiaries was no joke. Yet, all and I mean much did not depend on me. So I was ready to sleep late and deal – heal from overwhelming scenarios as much as I could. Glad to say I lost my cool only once on the DDay.

Today Sunday, was another day however and I had not prepared emotionally and mentally for the day’s events. I wasn’t even aware of  the program up to the last hours. You can imagine how that shook my mind already so frail. I couldn’t make it and yet I was stuck there and had to wait. I was so tired and slept a little but my thoughts of getting back home and my disrupted routine kept bugging me.

I finally got home 5 mins ago and it is 10.30 pm here. My normal sleep time is 9 pm. Yesterday I missed that but I was prepared, today I am not. I have to deal with it. I hope writing my worries down like this with help me. Maybe I will also go drink some hot chocolate, I believe it helps soothe me. 

I know some will say in life you have to be flexible and adapt and face stuffs like a ‘normal’ person. I am not a ‘normal’ person; diagnosis is not what will make me believe I am/or confirm that I am not … Whatever normal person is. I feel more and more mentally taxed by what will otherwise be ‘normal’ to others. Not being able to be ahead of my program or to even know what is planned and well ahead of time, drives me to an edge. Not sleeping on time, not eating what am used to, too much noise and different reactions from people are taxing now more than ever. Sometimes, even an hour’s preparation can do, but I need to be ready in my mind.

I wasn’t like this before. Maybe youthfulness and the ‘people pleaser’ in me made me  very flexible and outgoing etc. I have been through stuffs since then which have plainly caused such trauma; going on nowadays,  my mind gets scared of future foreseeable ‘trauma’ which may be caused by I don’t what… Sometimes I am scared I am becoming emotionally and mentally frail to a not so good edge. Maybe that’s why I try so much self care you know… I don’t want to rely on meds. Hence I need to prepare myself emotionally and mentally well in advance for any program which will change my routine. For example I attend the African Epilepsy Congress in Dakar in 2 weeks and I have been preparing emotionally, mentally and of course logistically since January.

Empathy not suspicion and disgust of people going through such challenging times is needed. Sometimes, it seems the ‘normal’ people don’t understand or are quick to say they do while advising you to just pray, get over it etc. Maybe that’s why people going through such challenges like these isolate themselves and will rather smile and say all is fine, rather than begin to explain what may only be rediculed? Others try to cope doing whatever numbs their feelings of makes then ‘feel happy’ and ‘on top of it all’/

I am what may be considered highly functional, but I love being prepared and also following my routine. Now Sleep evades me and yet my internal alarm clock will do it’s 4 am jingle and I wish to do sports and help the guys off to school. I know it may not work out that way because of the disruption so far. I hate to struggle and have to try calming down by writing all this. But I also share so someone be inspired and motivated. We are in this together.

Here is to my trying to sleep and to good logic of taking people as they come… That is equally fighting mental health stigma when we share our struggles and seek for ways to take care of our mental health

Pleased 2 Piss People Off


Wow world, another friday is here and am glad to share a big discovery I made during my recent BBB.

You know, when I have an issue and take a break, I look forward to understanding what’s going on, why or how am faring the way am faring, and what to do next.

So, the first thing I noted was that I am still getting worked up over other people’s reactions or expectations of me! I mean I sometimes felt pissed off and decided to google the word hoping to find some anti piss-off ‘medication’. I didn’t find no solution, only some images like the above.

Bingo, I have a cat and could use the first one, but I have no hair to shampoo, so I could  only offer that to whoever was pissing me off literally speaking right?

Further reflections made me realize some vip things now:

 

Oh my gosh yes, yes, yes: I could learn the art of pissing people off too 🙂

Afterall, why should some piss people off and get away with that? I didn’t want to be nasty or outright mean, but I had to make my points henceforth and no longer suffer in silence:

  1. If speaking my mind is pissing people off: am pleased;
  2. If caring for myself is pissing people off: am pleased;
  3. If keeping quiet and letting someone fume is pissing people off: am pleased;
  4. If sleeping over something before responding is pissing people off: am pleased;
  5. If not being excited as I am expected to be is pissing people off: am pleased;
  6. If unflinchingly saying NO and standing by it is pissing people off: am pleased;
  7. If saying yes with a but… Is pissing people off: am pleased;
  8. Gosh, if to my own self am true is pissing people off: am very pleased!

The bottom line I advocate is that although the words ‘Piss Off’ may be found repelant or repugnant, they can be appreciated and used positively to stay sane.

I share my discovery and strategy with the goal of inspiring and motivating others. How many suffer in silence because they don’t want to ‘piss anyone off’ while being continually ‘pissed off’? For a previous and still struggling people pleaser like myself, if passing through learning and practicing to piss people off my way is what I need to find a balance: am pleased.

Ahd now over to you gentle readers and followers? What do you think about these words and their impact on one’s mental health?

An official BBB 4 me at this point


Hiya my gentle readers and followers,

I have decided to take a BBB… OHh a brief blogging break.

My last few posts have surely revealed some about my current state of mind and matter, and so a break is highly needed. I wish I could travel for some much needed me moments. But Nada, not especially for a single mom of 3 boys with one of them not going on any Easter break because well he is in an ‘examination’ class.

Am just taking a BBB from writing, not reading and commenting. I think something like 7 or 10 days you know. I plan to blog daily in May which is Mental Health Awareness Month and so yes I need to get my grove back sooner than later.

So, see you over at your blogs…

Have a great week aheas

I hate you: Please don’t leave me…


I hate and love you

Who identifies with such? I sincerely don’t know how to go about writing this post. Maybe this other picture can say some more:

hate and love how boderline

And sometimes, no matter how much we try or wish, we can’t even hug nor punch…

Do you feel a victim? Then this picture can help maybe? :

being happy with yourself

 

Reminds me of my post on where my peace comes from

Are you a propagator? I mean are you a narcissistic with a boderline personality and co? These are all mental illnesses and some help can be found if only you seek it in all genuiness.

If we don’t stop the cycle at some point be it as victims or propagators, then that is enabling and keeping the generations chained in that trauma. A hurt soul can only hurt another soul – until one finds light, love, peace and happiness through Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance; Self-Love; Self-Help; Self-Care … the brokeness continues

Some reflections from my searching soul… have a warm weekend

Some say I took the easy way out: really?


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Hello world,

This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.

Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.

The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.

I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.

Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.

I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?

Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.

  1. I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
  2. I published another memoir on my brother’s journey with a mental illness as if his having epilepsy wasn’t ‘stigma and shame’ enough!;
  3. I admitted to being a victim and propagator of domestic abuse in yet another unconventional memoir!
  4. And then bam, I published my own personal journey with mental challenges!!!
  5. Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!

So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going  to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?

Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:

  1. A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
  2. ‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
  3. Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
  4. Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
  5. And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
  6. The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…

So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;

DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?

 If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?

I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes

I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;

Have a great mid week o

Easy way out quote

And This is Why…


And this is why

Why I do what I do

Why I say what I say

Why I dance as I do

Why I cry so sad

—-

And indeed this is why

Why I share it all

Why I love so bad

Why I hurt so deep

Why I heal so slow

And yes this is why

Why I long to help

Why I want to bare

Why I need to show

Why I can relate with that flow

To thyself be true

Leave me to my guise and grace

That may help another soul

Part of the master plan

By faith and not fear

It ain’t easy but it’s mine

Why I am the way I am

And that is why

Why I’ll keep being me

Why I’ll go on bare

Why I’ll speak it loud

Why I’ll write as it flows