Stages of life: Do you know some about them?

Ah life is – full of stages. Anyways, that’s how I see mine and reflect on in the linked Facebook post: h


One very precious though painful stage of my life
Posted in Coaching and Therapy, Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy, Spiritual Journey

Healing is not an illusion but a possibility: My brother lives in me


Four years on, day for day since I got the call which shook me like no news had shaken me before.

My brother…whose brother? like I would say before starting a fight in your defense whether you were wrong or right.

I am so grateful for where I am in my healing journey and I know you are smiling at your ‘mama Ayo’ from deep within the clouds of our lives.

I can never say thank you enough Lord for letting me have my brother for 33 years, to love and learn from, and to share with in all ways I could. He is forever in my spirit anyway, so the death of the flesh could only hurt me this much now I conclude.

Healing is not an illusion dear all, it is a possibility if you get to looking beyond what you see; if you get to feeling beyond what you touch; if you get to listening beyond what you hear.

p.s: I will forever miss you Gaby, but I will forever feel you as you live on in my spirit – and in our hearts


Be inspired and motivated dear gentle readers and followers


Posted in Coaching and Therapy, Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy

Let me go bury My MC and then look forward to a vacation…

My MC‘s burial is this weekend, wake keep tonight and burial 30th – I am probably going to be there by the time this scheduled post goes up. It’s gonna be a brief one…

I will take a break from blogging for 2 weeks hopefully from July 9-23 , to rest and recuperate (ain’t ever easy I know) and next week is flamed up starting actually on Thursday July 5th with Barakah’s event before I move on to Yaounde for the Leading Ladies Conference.

It was barely 1 month ago that I went by night trip to MC their village to visit my dad… The real relationship being that dad an orphan had been adopted by this Angel when he was just 11/12 in a city he knew no one in and was yet to learn French. It had been 2 decades I hadn’t been there because Grand pere (MC’s dad) died in 2009 when I just had Gaby… In short, all these make for at least two more posts…

For now, see you hopefully next month for a couple of days lol

It’s been one half of a year indeed – hmm, let me just bury My MC and see how it goes with the mini break and co

Have a great weekend everyone and till then – one love – do take care of yourselves and take a break when you have to, cause life can be tough and roller coaster…

Posted in Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy

One of those days when the memory of a loved one drains your zeal…

I didn’t plan to blog today, I didn’t know how I will feel today, I just wished I could go through this day as normally as possible.

My brother of blessed memory was born on the 6th of June 1981.

There are days his memory drives me with so much zeal to do my best for the foundation and my life in general. He wished me and the boys so so much. I loved him to my marrow and oh he went through so so much.

And so today and also the day he died (August 2), are those days when his memory drains that zeal. I am writing hoping to feel better after I publish. Writing is cathartic to me.

To all those who go through such moments in their lives, this too shall come to pass. I don’t even know how to look or talk to mum today. She celebrated his last & 33rd birthday with him on the 6/6/2014 in Boston. 

Ah, Healing it seems to me is a never ending journey…I am immortalizing this day by making a new I’d since forgetting the other one in Dakar

Thank you for reading and having a kind thought for me especially on this day

Posted in Poetry

Can you sense it ??


Can you see the mirage in my mind

Can you see the hole in my heart

Can you see the search in my soul

Can you see the helpless thought

Can you feel the hurt there is

Can you feel the pain in it

Can you fee the drudge and drought

Can you feel the storms within

Can you touch the cancer cell

Can you touch the insane mind

Can you touch the heart beat

Can you touch the scars on the soul

Can you smell the peace I seek

Can you smell the love I have

Can you smell the smile in me

Can you smell the strides I make

Can you hear the voice within

Can you hear the silent screams

Can you hear the songs they hum

Can you hear the drums not beat

Can you sense any of it

Can you sense all of it

Can you sense even a mite

If not what can you sense ???

Posted in Book Reviews, Marie's Garden

Book Review: Peace from Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant


Hello world, My Biological clock is ticking (turn 38 next week by Grace); and peace is my number one top priority at all times now. I admit to having several broken pieces in my life – heck still do so much and they sometimes just poke up and make me bawl my eyes out all over again. I was thus very excited to pick up this other soulful memoir by Iyanla Vanzant one of my all time favorite – No nonsense authors. I mean, I cried again when I read one of her other power books titled Yesterday I Cried – Here, you can find my review of that one. I have had it for almost two years now but I guess it wasn’t time for a review. I even mentioned the book in my own personal journey to uncovering the source of my peace.

When I look at my notes from the book, I can share some of the most poignant I made:

  1. …I didn’t know anything about rebound relationships. I didn’t know that it takes a respectable amount of time for one person to get over another person and come to a place of completion… (Neither did I and it’s barely 3 months I finally knew and got there);
  2. …One powerful lesson I learned from him was that just because a man is a good man, it does not mean that he knows how to be a good partner ( my comment on that note says it all: woah, similar to what l wrote about mine);
  3. When two broken people bring their broken pieces together, chances are they will never become a whole anything. (very high chances I think too);
  4. Unworthiness always puts you in debt to anyone and everyone who shows you the slightest degree of attention or love or energy. Eventually, in this form of bankrupt relationship, your benefactors will demand or expect more than you are able or willing to give. This is the precise moment they will choose to call in the loan; (I can relate 99.99%);
  5. When you do not believe that who you are and what you do is good enough, that message will contaminate everything you do. When doubt is present in your consciousness it indicates a much more profound problem. It is a story that we tell ourselves about who we are and what we do and do not deserve in life. Your personal lie is a function of all of the broken pieces of your puzzle—all of the elements of your history, all of your experiences, all that you have been taught about yourself merging with all that you have made up about yourself. 

And now three lessons she shared which helped her find peace amidst all those broken pieces

  1. Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will always be driven to look for more. Knowing that you are enough is a function of consciousness. Your enough-ness develops in direct proportion to the relationship you have with your true identity. Until you wholeheartedly believe in your own worth, in spite your of accomplishments and possessions, there will be a void in your Spirit. I had more than a void. (here is my comment: this is what l wanted);
  2. When you are starting your life over, with a new sense of self, who you once were is going to challenge you. Who you once were is going to dangle old carrots, old wounds and issues, in front of your face. When that happens, you will be tempted to revert to old feelings, old patterns of thought, and old patterns of behavior. When, however, you have made up your mind that the old you is dead and buried, when you have embraced a certain level of clarity about who you are and are not, as well as who you are choosing to be, you have a different response;
  3. “When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.” (I got there Amen)

This really is the best way I can review this book – I broke down again so sourly two days ago, and bawled myself to instant sleep just where I was – I got up and with so much unconditional love and support – I decided to stick by the new response to ME and my Life. A big gratitude among others to Iyanla Vanzant and memoirs of hers like this one. I can’t rate this book any less than a 5/5: written in such down to earth english – so personal – so fine to read without a break.

About the Author


There isn’t anything I can say about Iyanla which isn’t everywhere and I mean including on O. here is a snipet from her website:

“What I have learned from all of the difficulties in my own life is that human beings have very thick skin. I call that skin, spirit, our Highest Most Powerful self. Spirit is the key to everything we desire. It is our weather-proofing, our Teflon, our line of credit that assures if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day; there will be a miraculous payoff.”

Visit her website and there you’ll find all the links you need to that great woman described as: ” one who embodies a no-nonsense approach in her message and teaching style. Outspoken, fiery, transparent, truthful, and sage-like”.

Posted in From Around!, Marie's Garden

In Honour of three Gorgeous Dogs: Lady, Lucy and Tiro


This is surely a one of its kind post I admit. Come to think of me an African, paying honour to dogs? A friend of mine out here will simply say that the world is now turned upside down!

And with this introduction, I wanna pay hommage to three gorgeous dogs. Two of them I have never met, two of them I’ll never meet (because they are dead), and one of them I am hoping to someday meet while visiting a dear lady friend of mine.

So here is my hommage to this trio, starting with Tiro:

When I was a kid, we had a pet called Tiro. My brother and I so loved him, he was known as our pet. He lived in a cage (not the more too often stray african ones), ate some good bones, and enjoyed our company as much! One day, I now think he was sick and probably dying, my father bundled him and up we went to a far away beach. There, Tiro was abandoned. I’ll rather just wanna think he was sick and dying. I was still young then to understand the type of relationship one could have with a dog. Fortunately, I have met some blogger friends through whom I have come to learn much more about these gorgeous animal friends we could have.

Lucy the miss who just turned one

Lucy and Diane
Lucy and Diane

When you have a pet with whom you share the same birthday, then I think that pet could only but be a blessing. Poo and pee aside, the love will go beyond several conventions. My lady over at bravely bipolar, has found some very very special love in her cuddle called Lucy. She shares the adventures of Lucy and herself in some of her posts, and only by closely looking at Lucy’s picture, we can understand how she can only be love and peace. I couldn’t really understand the attachment people out here in the East, had to their pets. But the more I learnt, the more dogs and dog owners I met, the more I came to realise how painful their death could be. So painful especially if they died in your arms like Alaina’s Lady did a short while ago.

Al’s fair Lady, gave up her breathe just like that

Ain't Lady cute?
Ain’t Lady cute?

I just spoke with Lady’s mama Alaina, and she still tells me how much she misses her fair Lady. She told me that 5 years ago before they adopted Lady, she a previously cat person, could never guess the relationship that was possible with a dog. I also have several other friends who have told me that their dogs are their life savers and source of more joy than otherwise.

Hmm, could human beings have such a relationship with dogs? Is it true we are also social animals or do we tend to forget that in our treatment of other animals? Could we love or respect others ‘unconditionally’ without prejudice as to race, religion and ‘rackets’?

Dear gentle readers and followers, I am an open spirit person and decided to learn what it was about dogs that led people especially in the west, to have and treasure them.

A big cheers to all dog owners and lovers.

Posted in Journey to Coaching, Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy

Do you know about Bridgewater State Hospital?

Bridgewater indeed
Bridgewater indeed

I read it named Bridgewater State Hospital but from the you tube clip ( published 15/02/2014) I watched and an earlier abc Nightline report ( published 31/03/2014) , it definitely is a prison (well maybe mild security?). You know the type where you conclude that so called psychiatric beds are actually cells and restrain beds? What they claim to be Intensive treament units are actually ‘punisment isolation cells? That particular one has had its horror stories on focus for over 20 years –  but well who gives a damn?

I can only guess my brother was a good patient/criminal? I don’t know which one – oh the ‘goo al system’. Don’t ask me what he did to find himself there. I wasn’t there but just heard that he was accused by the police of assaulting an officer. My kid sister who was present out there told me they had said on taking him away that they thought he could become a danger to himself or others. Is this what civil commitment is about out there? I am still so shaggily ignorant.

He was very ill at that point and my mum had flown out there to try to bring him back home. He was an adult however, and had some US status so couldn’t be brought back against his will. Initially, he agreed to come back home and I was assigned to zoom to and from Brussels airways co to purchase the air tickets.

It was then that he started changing his mind and became very agitated. And oh no, he dared dial 911 to come to his aid and convince mum to leave him alone. He f… called them twice on the same day? The second call earned him an arrest, handcuffs and some time in that infamous Bridgewater. The first call, the family had managed to sooth the officers, but the second call a few hours later – meant danger to them.

Maybe his ‘obedience’ at Badwater (whatever), saved him then because some other parents have been less fortunate. The parents of the 23 year old Joshua in the above you tube clip, are still grieving and pursuing a civil claim which may outlive them too. Of course the District Attorney or whomever, claims there isn’t sufficient evidence to bring  an action. Oh, all but one of those guards involved in that horrific incident still work there!

Poor Joshua's last minutes before the suffocation
Poor Joshua’s last minutes before the suffocation

I now share with you a desperate mother’s deaf pleas to that ‘almighty system’. Of course I talk of my mother, Gabriel’s mother who up till date never heard from them. I am sorry, so sorry and sad for my mum:

“Bibiana Mbuh Taku

Douala Cameroon

Central Africa

Tel # 237 77 78 56 44

March 17, 2010

The superintendent,

Bridge Water State Hospital



  • Lisa Mitchell, Deputy Superintendent of Patient Services
  • Gabriel’s attorney –


Subject: Concerns about the health and life of my son: Gabriel Bebonbechem

I am the mother of Gabriel Bebonbechem who was brought to your institution for “evaluation to stand trial” by the legal services of your State.

I wish to state here that my son is a known epileptic and has been on treatment for some mental problems and epilepsy under the supervision/monitoring of Lynn Community Health Center.

Before he was charged to court on grounds of assault, I was in the process of taking him back home for family support and evaluation before we would decide on when he would be deemed fit to stay on his own and take care of himself while carrying out activities that would give him hopes, a future and independence.

This did not happen because the decision seemed to have been too abrupt and this resulted in a crisis that led him to try to recuperate his traveling documents that he had willingly given to his uncle, hence the charge brought against him.

What worries me right now is the fact that he seems to be deteriorating as per the account that I have received through your weekly report. The fact that my son who was brought to your institution looking clean and cut is now refusing to bathe worries me.

The worse part of the report is that he has requested for the same drug that was reported to have killed Michael Jackson!!!!. I wish to inform you that while on some antidepressants he may have suicidal tendencies as I observed some times ago.

Finally and most importantly, the last psychological report that was requested by his primary health care practitioner, Mr. Daniel Gross, suggested a referral to a neurologist. I had confirmed with Mr. Daniel Gross that I will get him to see a neurologist and in fact there was one on standby to get him from the airport when the unfortunate incident foiled the trip. Mr. Daniel Gross also informed me that irrespective of my commitment to have him see a neurologist in Cameroon, he will ensure he gets the referral upon his return.

I am therefore, appealing to your services to ensure that he is not put on medication that may lead to side effects that could make him to have suicidal tendencies or any other such serious side effects and above all to ensure that the follow-up on his treatment is assured, namely, to see a neurologist as per the December 2009 psychological appraisal that was endorsed by his primary care giver and his family.

I look forward to hear from you and to be assured of my son’s health situation and safety.

Sincerely yours,”

Ha, she even received  a summon to appear in the court case brought against my brother thereafter: that calls for another post, I just can’t continue.

Dear gentle readers and followers, I know of Bridgewater not only because I researched about it, but because my brother’s violent refusal to talk about it made me see it was a harrowing episode for him. You really need to be beware of those “State Hospitals” or whatever meds they put you on. If you end up being reduced to calling meds, don’t say you weren’t informed. All cases are different and all I know is my brother’s.

Well, maybe just a more secured hospital after all
Well, maybe just a more secured hospital after all

Posted in Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy, Poetry

The Dark Lining

Dark lining

Not all silver linings are bright

I am afraid I can prove that so

Just like gold must be tested by fire

So too must silver be polished!


Is it the dark you fear?

Or the lining you don’t see well yet?

Just as precious is fragile and deserves care,

So do we have to look with a big stare !

It may both be dark and even darker

but its worth could be bright and even brighter

Maybe only your heart can feel it  now

Or still your mind be lone to assess!


But to thy own self be true

And as night always eventually turns to day,

so too could that dark lining end up the brightest!


Posted in Book Reviews

Book Review: David’s Story by Jill Sadowsky

The cover says so much; the contents would move even the toughest of hearts
The cover says so much; the contents would move even the toughest of hearts

In her own words

I think this youtube trailer by my favorite granny in this blogosphere, tells it best. Visit her blog, I am amazed and I can’t imagine any senior citizen in Cameroon and in her shoes, keeping such a blog.

My Modest Review: Unconditional Love all the way through Schrizophrenia, Suicide and suffering

What do we really know about a mental illness like Schrizophrenia? How does a mother bring forth a healthy boy, see him surf and survive so fine, watch him go into military training only to hear of a sucide attempt in that very camp? In an era when the taboo, stigma and haphazards of psychiatry were ever rampant than currently, talking of the 80s’, we can only but appreciate such an honest and heartbreaking account of the mother of such a victim. Yes, every mother of a son called David, (like myself), nurtues hope of a brave shepherd boy who can grow up and face any Goliath in life and why not become a king?. It was painful for Jill, hopeless and helpless at some point and now she not only lost David but eventually Michael her husband, partner and best friend. Although this is David’s story, we see the usual struggle of care givers. To love or not to love the sufferer unconditionally? Jill did this twice. Once it was David with Schriozophrenia and much later, it was Michael with Alzhemier. To make matters more morose, David joint the rangs of those unfortunate souls whose suicidal ideation got the better part of them. To give this story any less than a 5, will make me feel guilty of lack of emotions. Emotions to emphatize especially being a former care giver to a lone brother diagnosed and lost to bipolar and co, and as a mentally challenged myself. I hope anyone who brings to read this story, gets to that unconditional love which kept Jill then and still does now, as she shares her pale but brave tales with the world.

Granny's beloved called Doron
Granny’s beloved called Doron

About the Author

Well, she wrote with her real name this time around. I just discovered on her blog that ‘David’s’ real name is Doron and her husband’s is Alec. All this matters not, but I just mention anyway. Granny never included a single picture in there but I found one of hers and one of her son (see above).

Now over to granny: Jill Sadowsky was born in South Africa and has been living in israel since 1963. She has been writing since her son contracted paranoid schizophrenia.


Also called the messiah in her circles for breaking the taboo and speaking about Mental illnesses this actively
Also called the messiah in her circles for breaking the taboo and speaking about Mental illnesses this actively

is a multiple award winner and her works have been featured in distinguished journals. She is a sought after speaker on brain health/illneses especially given her experience as a care giver of two loved ones lost to Schrizophrenia and Alzehmier.

Dear gentle readers and followers, if people like granny did not share their first hand accounts of battling mental illness and coping with the loss of their loved ones, we would still only be at the mercy of ‘psychiatry’, ‘magic’, ‘mystery’, ‘religion’ and all. Maybe you think otherwise?