Tag Archives: Peace Within

Marie in Merryland thanks to my Gaby


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Gaby and I on our way to what I now call Merryland

If you watched Alice in Wonderland like myself when growing up, maybe you also scripted your own version of wonderland. I was 8 years (just as Gaby is today) and I wouldn’t miss an episode of “Alice au Pays de Merveille” as we saw it here in french. By then, we had recently moved cities from Douala to Yaounde and I had left all my familiar behind. I needed some time readjusting to my new cold environment and my books and some sitcoms on TV helped me a lot. Alice in Wonderland was one of them…I actually wrote my first chapbook titled Marie in Merryland and showed that to my Grade 4 (same class Gaby is in) teacher. Needless to say I was laughed at. I buried that book for real in a bush near that house whose high fence I will later jump to go fetch for food.

Events have a way to trigger good or troubling memories, and yesterday’s was no different.

Gaby is the taller boy in the background of these girls
Gaby is the one being chased in the middle of the playing ground

This week in Cameroon is called youth week and yesterday most schools organized a socio-cultural sort of karoake for the kids to have fun. I hadn’t really planned to go because I didn’t know parents could come along, but last year I hadn’t come and Gaby had blamed me for his stolen stuffs because I hadn’t come along like some parents had done.

The big guys had left earlier by noon for their secondary school because a celebrity artist here called Daphne was coming to their school. David had even made pancakes for his classmates.

It was simply put a blast at Gaby’s school. My phone did justice by dying out pretty into the start of the event, and so I was distraction free through out. I had brought a book along to read (Mary Oliver’s poetry handbook since my kindle is acting up), but I just couldn’t focus on that.

I visualized myself at 8 years and saw in those kids all the ‘joie and soif de vivre’ (the joy and thirst for life) I had at that age (which unfortunately was beginning to be stifled by events beyond my control). I cheered and jumped and clapped and ended up helping a seemingly overwhelmed teacher organizing one of the various distractions for the kids. This was chair dance and for one who loves dancing, ha oh my come and see me.

All is well that ends well, I was so happy for the realization of my Merryland, a land where I am me with friends, playing and living and loving for real and till gusto.

To crown my day, I met my two ex sisters-in law with whom we still have a civil relationship, and we had a cool time. I gladly ate the dinner offered me with love.

Sometimes, triggers do not only mean harm is along the way, even the anxiety if left to seep out can lead to marvels… I was anxious about giving up an entire afternoon to go sit in Gaby’s school…in the end, what better therapy for another ‘fuzzle’ week?

I wish you all a wonderful week and finding fun even in the most nerving of situation lol

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Can you sense it ??


sense-it

Can you see the mirage in my mind

Can you see the hole in my heart

Can you see the search in my soul

Can you see the helpless thought

Can you feel the hurt there is

Can you feel the pain in it

Can you fee the drudge and drought

Can you feel the storms within

Can you touch the cancer cell

Can you touch the insane mind

Can you touch the heart beat

Can you touch the scars on the soul

Can you smell the peace I seek

Can you smell the love I have

Can you smell the smile in me

Can you smell the strides I make

Can you hear the voice within

Can you hear the silent screams

Can you hear the songs they hum

Can you hear the drums not beat

Can you sense any of it

Can you sense all of it

Can you sense even a mite

If not what can you sense ???

For the sake of peace: Should that be one way?


This is a short vent, although I think many will relate.

What do you do when you are advised to ‘shove’ it for the sake of peace?

How do you feel if it is almost always you who gets that request and hardly ever the other party?

How do you suck it in when you know given the reverse you will not have acted that way?

Do you think it is worth a little bit more effort at communication with someone who can easily be triggered by something you may even find trivial?

Really, for the sake of peace, shouldn’t it be a two way traffic?

Why the constant wanting to invalidate people with a fragile mental health, knowing fully well their ‘delicate and sensitive and sometimes over analytical minds’ will not process a situation and scenario just as easily as you will?

And to crown it all, should it be by force?

Ah, sometimes I really get overwhelmed, tired and depressed especially thinking of where my stress comes from – which can be external or internal

Now I feel better… thanks whoever stops by and maybe leaves a comment

Where does your Peace come from …?


peace

I once read a memoir written by one of my heroines called Iyanla Vanzart. The book which was titled Peace from Broken Pieces
 was a very intense memoir which took us via the author’s journey to find peace after she had seemingly ‘gained’ so much, only to lose twice as much including her daughter and all time soul buddie. I was no doubt left shaken when I read that and realized that it was possible to pull through after going through so much in life, and to find peace. (reminds me to do that book review…)

Peace I seek, peace is all I want to give. More than every material possession, my priciest possession is my peace. When I lose it even for a second, I can’t vouch neither for my ‘holistic wellbeing’ nor what I can offer to anyone else even in terms of the least courteous relationship.

At the 3 day spiritual retreat I just completed, peace kept coming up because each time I’ll admit I was in search of peace. My spiritual director asked about when I felt so nervous and turned to food for comfort, didn’t that bring any peace? I said no. He asked if my friends didn’t help? I said no. He asked if even my sons didn’t bring me peace and joy? I agreed they did for some time but I equally admitted to getting irritated with them and how I sometimes bought them stuffs so they should focus on that and let me find some peace in my aloneness. Gradually, with his direction, I came to realize and admit that peace could never come from without.

The times in my life when I had ever felt peace, it was because I was spiritually whole above all. It never had to do with my material standing or even who my partner or friends where nor what they thought about me. Even my family in both the nuclear and extended sense could not bring me peace. No Fame nor Fortune, Friends nor Foes oh my nothing from the exterior could give or bring me peace…

Aha, my Peace came from making peace with my Almighty Father. No matter what seemed to be my outward show of strength, stability and even shape, I went through real tough times of restlessness within – synonymous to having no peace of mind and mine… No doubt I couldn’t give Peace… all my deeds brought such headaches and heartaches I was damned and almost thought myself doomed…

But alas… there it dawned on me… I could finally answer Father’s question when on the 28th of of October I felt such peace I had not felt in years. I had just made an amazingly big peace with my Almighty Father, He who had never relented/nor given up on me; and who like the Prodigal Father was watching out for my return. Father I cried, MY PEACE COMES FROM WITHIN! Alleluia I was Rahabilitated and I was rightly the woman in Jn 8 v 1-11…

My spiritual director helped me to see that peace doesn’t need any material attachments. The evidence is that, on that day I was ‘bare’. In a very modest surrounding, with the barest necessity and away from all the ‘vibes’ of modern day life, yet I could find such peace I hadn’t found even the previous day in the same setting, nor the previous years in far better off settings.

Dear all, the Peace I now have is really that one of total Abandonment to my Almighty Father’s will. I will in the coming days share with you my legacy and prayer written on that day. Oh how I have so much Peace now, the type that surpasses human understanding. Materially, financially, socially I am struggling; but spiritually I am riding high and I know that He who is in me, What I have in me, is stronger than anything that can come against me or seem daunting as is. Peace indeed be Still Marie it is well with your soul…

Oh join me praise my Almighty Father as you reflect on where your peace comes from
 Shalom

Today is the feast of all souls… I thinl of my brother dearest Gabriel but I have peace within and the pain is sipping and sipping away with each passing day

peace-1

Running Away From…?


shed-them-off

There comes a point in time

When you muster the courage for the review

You look at them inside out

The flash cards of the lifeathon

The near out of breathe you’ve sometimes experienced

The long and wide distances you’ve covered

The impulsive, compulsive & obsessive thoughts and actions

The numerous and sometimes weird people who took you oh for so granted

The ceaseless times you doubted, loathed and devalued your own self

The frustration, exasperation and near extinction

The very tricky race…

Ah: Who were you running away from?

Oh:


What were you running away from?

You’re near a decade to half a century old

And there seems to be no one else following you but you

Ain’t it real time to look at those flash cards again?

To stop piling new ones onto what seems like a trash hip?

Oh how I wish this could be a fairy tale

The likes I dreamt of reading Cinderella and Snow White

Couldn’t there be a life school with a kindergarden section?

One you really went to before formal school?

Well, am counting my blessing and seizing every chance

I REALLY CAN’T KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME

Several dawns have come by since my 3 decades and a half

I guess now is time for that spiritual retreat

When it was first offered I scorned

Oh how I thank you Lord for my source of unconditional love

3 days of just me and YOU in all intimacy

To hell ever running away from … again