Tag Archives: Relationships

An Area girl in Dschang (The dinning table and the step mom effect)


Imagine that dinning table over 25 years ago; imagine it has 9 chairs as it did and still does; imagine a teen me sitting on that exact chair with one empty chair between our new step mom and I (the chair after her was empty as you can even see now lol). At one head of the table was Grand Pere, and dad was at the head nearest the door. On the other side of the table sat Grand Mere and my two siblings with whom I was in the same secondary school.

Dad had come on the eve to collect us for summer holidays, and he had brought his new wife to ‘introduce’ her to us, or more appropriately to his family. I think we children didn’t have a choice.

Ok now, let me spare you details of his reception nor my trashing at our school because I dared collect some snacks he’d brought, nor how we holed up in the back boot of his Pajero at the time, so as to give ourselves maximum distance with ‘step mom’. I was following orders.

When we arrived Dschang from Fontem where we went to secondary school, there was a reception planned and the table had been laid out. Sweet drinks had been bought, pork chops, chicken drums oh my; I was sure excited and looking forward to enjoy myself some especially after all the tough life in boarding school.

But hmm, step mom effect activated…total silence… Dare open your mouth you this talkative Ayo… The dinning table was no longer where we all converged to communion with each other…indeed that was the end of sitting together on a dining table…

I was the only one who could seemingly sit on the same side as her. But that was as far as I could go. Eyes were on me, and peeps thrown in her direction. If she touched something, no one of us was to touch same…unspoken rule but one after all…

And dear all; that is how, what came to be my last visit at a home I had so grown to love and had so many childhood memories of, ended with near tears…

At that time, we lived in the city of Yaounde like 6 hours away by car from Dschang, and you can sureimagine how miserable that journey was. How can I forget how the chatterbox me couldn’t even breathe aloud, forget about asking to go pee? Not even one stop to buy any suya as usual. Dad gave up trying to strike any conversation and I stifled my tears.

I am no longer that scared 13 year old but a full circle 39 years. But when I entered that home and saw that dinning table, I sat down unconsciously on that same chair and all the flashbacks made me bent on writing this down to release same, deal and heal, and sharing same with us all. Life has happened to all the parties of that era, and we are each striving and thriving in their own corners…well that’s my case for sure…

Life probably throws us all sorts of tomatoes on our way, what we do with them is up to us…how we are affected and how we move on and maybe help others with our experiences dealing with both fresh and rotten tomatoes is equally left to us… When I talked about this with dad recently and he said to let go, I told him blogging about it would be the best closure… The timeline from when mum left and step mom moving in was like 6 months and I have blogged already at the massive change in our lives and feeding and all thereafter… I sometimes felt my turning teen and some were stolen from me… maybe that’s why I have no problem being a teen again?

Anyways, back to the Area girl in Dschang in 2018… I have come to go there twice and the second time was to say farewell to my MC, ha another Dschang Saga…argh life

I love the very cold city of Dschang, it’s got lots of personal and historical meaning…

Be inspired and motivated everyone

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Our real relationship MC & I (Clarity, Grief & Closure)


This weekend (her burial was yesterday); indeed since June 9th when My MC died, I have gone through a roller coaster of sorts with different emotions, some like pain and grief, plummeting so deep and others like sadness, staying there and keeping me alert and contemplative at the whole point of living.

Some even in my close family circles can’t understand why I should feel so deep and get involved so personal. I decided to just blog about it and get this clear and closed once and for all.

My father had lost his both parents by the age of 8, with his mother dying when he the last was barely 2. By age 12, he found himself in the town of Dschang in the Western Region of Cameroon, that is a 45 or so km from our village of Fontem found geographically in the South West Region. Dschang is French speaking whereas Fontem is English speaking. That was no hindrance for this determined orphan whose family couldn’t afford the 20.000 frs (20 £) school fees required for Sasse College where he had been admitted (one out of 5 only from Fontem). He decided to migrate on his own to Dschang and do all it took to work for his upkeep, master that French language and culture in no time, and pay his fees in one of the public schools which cost 1500frs at the time.

One day as fate and faith will have it, MC’s dad who was Divisional Delegate for Education at the time, visited the school dad was, overlooked into dad’s neat book, marveled at his meticulous handwriting and admired the way his hand shot up to answer questions or ask same. He decided that day he was going to adopt dad and sent a note to dad’s family to that effect. Dad told me he didn’t even send the note, he was ready to move in with one I fondly called ‘Grand pere’ the very next day lol.

My dad clearly owes just so much to this Angel, his family and all. Dad was taken in as a first child, and the couple later on had 8 children with MC being the 7th. Although nearly 2 years older, as I said I didn’t know nor could be bothered.

MC and I did stuffs teens (mischief ones especially) do, including talking about and exploring our sexuality. If that isn’t profound what is? When her dad my ‘Grand Pere’ died in July 2009, I was so heavily pregnant with Gaby I wasn’t even allowed to go into his room at the hospital to bid him farewell. He had insisted dad come in all the way from Fontem to Douala to see him and dad had picked me up on arrival so we go see him together. Shortly after dad arrived, ‘Grand Pere’ I was told looked at dad, nodded, touched his hand and then drew his last breathe.

I didn’t attend his burial either, Gaby was just a week old. Now, before this all, the last time I had gone to Dschang was when I was around 15 years. Life’s twists and turns came and we all went to town and life continued to happen. Keeping in touch was henceforth by phone etc.

3 weeks before MC died, Dad was in Dschang and I decided to go check on him. It was you can tell a soulful home coming. I still have to write about the visit. I prayed for MC on ‘Grand Pere’s’ grave but I guess the dice had been cast – she had endured too much already and couldn’t even talk… Am so glad I reached out to her that weekend with all the love I had and could show in my modest way…

The above should make it clear once and for all why I felt the grief so deep. It was like going to mourn for both ‘Grand Pere’, MC and her two other siblings gone ahead some years earlier at different intervals.

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I went for a long walk while burial rites were taking place, that was therapeutic and good for my mental wellbeing

The good news is that, I found healing and closure right there at the burial – so glad I braved it to go. I did stuff I liked like washing the dishes (which is a huge thing at gatherings like this – hence really appreciated) and that was so self soothing, and then I went and spent an hour with MC where she was laid (3,45 am – 4,45 am). I prayed, meditated, read scripture passages on meditation, and listened in silence to MC remind me that life ain’t to be lived in the past participle (as she loved saying). The meditation was also on spot from James Allen: “Who can mend a broken Vase by weeping over it”?.

And so for closure, it is well with my soul. I equally traveled back home safely, and although I haven’t slept properly for 3 straight days, am grateful for the sleep in shifts in the night bus and at the wake. I will make it up gradually… The weekend before was equally partially spent at another burial, the only sibling to a dear school mate…arg life…

It is important in my modest opinion to deal and heal in every circumstance and to do it the way which works best for you. It is therapeutic to Feel your Feelings, Face your Fears and embrace the journey with fortitude and gratitude.

On this note, I cherish MC’s spirit of exuberance and love, I celebrate our memories and am filled with gratitude for knowing her thanks to the largesse of her Angel of a dad who made of my dad the man he is today… Cousin or not, whatever label it is, MC was a soul sister…

Be inspired and motivated us all, happy Sunday everyone

P.s: a brief of my timeline on return home, to inspire and motivate

6 am arrive home

7-9.30 am sleep

10.12.30 pm clean up and cook

3.30 pm – 4.15pm session with client

4.30 – 6 pm power walk for welcome home. I feel so great and know I’ll have a very good and peaceful sleep

Sahadat my PA, all in one at the office and my Heroine


When you pray for something, you get it. That works for me – and I mean all the time – it may just not be on our time, or the way we want it, but it definitely shows up.

That is how Sahadat showed up nearly 2 years after I started praying for an all in one at the office. Sahadat or my miss as I fondly call her, is the type we call in french “la force tranquile” (the calm force). I don’t know how else to put it, nor show the universe how grateful I am to have Sahadat in my life.

I first met my miss ( She was a Miss for real at the University a few years back oh), when I lectured/facilitated a masters course called The Law of Enterprises in Difficulties. She caught my attention because she wasn’t the smiling type and hardly looked my way when she entered the class. She however never missed a class and answered any questions I asked her. Long story short, I got through her and she became a group leader of an all male team. On the day of their presentation, they all agreed she was a ‘no nonsense leader”. Their group was among the best needless to say.

Here is a line of what she wrote to me at the end of our course: “Thanks for all the beautiful remarks, you are the best female teacher ive ever had…”(unedited)

We kept in touch and one day I mentioned to my miss I was looking for an intern. She started out as one and had gradually morphed into my all in one at the office and my heroine.

The line is definitely blurred between us as in she is my staff, sister, baby miss, PA, and a generous aunty to the boys. Two days ago she was sick, I made her a hefty and healthy breakfast since we were to work from home, made her some ginger/turmeric tea and bullied her to eat. Later I saw she really needed more rest, and so I sent her back home. I asked her if she could have done same for me if I were sick (since she was first refusing my offer to nurse her some), she agreed, and so I asked her why I couldn’t do same for her without having to bully her. She told me in camouflaged words like my son Israel did, that my type of love ‘can suffocate’. We laughed over it, she ate her food and drank the warm healing tea, and then she was good to go back home.

Sahadat has some of my passwords, manages my calendar, is a quick learner and doer and much more.

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Working with me from home, my miss is all focused while I fidgit around lol

I am sincerely so grateful for Sahadat. I am no longer the only female in my team at the office lol.

Did I add how humble and grateful too she was? I wish all entrepreneurs a dynamic colleague like Sahadat and I hope we stay on for a while before a bigger and better offer comes her way lol

Still I Smile


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Still I Smile

You can mock me all you want

Murmur my plans will fail

Foresee my projects are doomed

Whisper am a loser

but still I smile

You can pretend I am your friend

Talk behind my back all you can

Make excuses for avoiding my calls

Rejoice over my mistakes

for your hypocrisy still I smile

You can sit there and gossip

Spend your time visiting

Talking about who said and did what

while you grumble nothing is working

to that misery I smile

Don’t think you are the loser?

Are you serious you still can?

Do you think anybody really cares?

Why not say you can’t instead of the silence?

That’s why still I smile

I just get it – it’s not about me

You are whallowing in your own misery

self pity, doubt & loathing masqueraded

you point a finger and three point to you

Isn’t that worth smiling at?

You now can tell my smile

I smile at me, for me and with me

and it keeps me oh so young

ever fresh and genuine

no need for make up

I’ll keep my smile

Your friendship ain’t worth my mind

I’ll have my smile with each meal

and for each mistake I make

I’ll keep the take

And for that …

still I smile

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Trailer To My Thriller – Episode 2


What on earth could push or pull a woman and mother of three to abandon her marriage, elope with a street kid, leaving those three kids behind?

What on earth could push or pull a woman to live such parallel lives and fake such an existence whereas all the ‘glamour’ was just superficial?

What definitely went wrong in her childhood that could have contributed to the sad and dare say ‘insane’ series of unconventional loves and existence?

Well, this is what the novel is all about.

This novel is a brutally honest memoir of a woman’s struggle to live a ‘Meaningful and Happy Life’.

This novel is a sad tale of the depths a woman had to sink to before braving to a new life of ‘Meaning and Happiness’.

This is a story of Determination, Discipline and Dedication which takes its readers through a series of ‘sane and insane acts’ of a woman who lived in adultery over and over again, who lived parallel lives, and who when she missed the suicide attempt, realized it was time to be Honest with herself and her world.

Intermingled in the sub themes, is the unfolding of a mother’s dramatic and tough love for her daughter.

Some say the novel is encapsulating and captivating and others say it is inspirational and motivational.

The Author says, she thinks it is both. She wrote this personal ‘thriller’ of hers in all honesty because she wanted to make her Mess her Message and her Test her Testimony.

It probably would make an excellent read!

Stay tuned this week for a teaser from the most captivating chapter itself!

Show some love, share, comment and why not grab a copy!

Key Killer in my marriage …


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My Six year old Marriage died a heavy and painful death. I mean, with all what I did, hmm, its death was even shameful.

But Today, I want to share with you one of those ‘killers’ of my marriage and maybe it is acting somewhere right now too? 

You’re probably wondering what next right?  I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!

Lack of Communication

A quick re-cap?

Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them.  All I was looking for was a refuge!

He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage.  I was an adulterous wife,  a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.

Now to this post.

My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally.  He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.

When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other.  Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication.  No discussion.  No conversation.

And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.

We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits.  Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.

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I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught. The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital.  We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.

Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.

Dear Gentle Followers of mine, you could read more on this post at the Noble Divorce Magazine and sure it would be a pleasure to read your comments or see you share the story…