I Give Myself Permission
Ain’t waiting no more for no one
Life is short & sweet & sour
How would I even know if I don’t live
the now is here and no point worrying
the future is a streak and yet mayn’t be
Hence I give myself permission…
Wouldn’t wait to know it all
Even science can’t keep it up
We all are an individual value
Should I let any one make & keep me sour
Joy & happiness is just a short distance
no chaos & creeks should blur my vision
Hence I give myself permission…
All I got are my voice & word
Not taking it personal means to keep it out
All mental space I have is taken
With thoughts of a rosy here & now
I wouldn’t assume: I’ll just do my best
still it’s okay every now & then to falter
Hence I give myself permission…
P.S: I am eternally grateful for serenity and I see that in all the poems I write these days regardless of the circumstances. This poem oh my is in one of those my special categories, indeed YOU ARE BEST WHEN YOU ARE: YOU
The best You Can
Be the best you can be
Say the best you can say
Do the best you can do
Feel the best you can feel
Love the best you can love
Oh Cry the best you can cry
Feel the hurt as it hurts
Then Heal the best you can heal
Share the best you can share
Then Claim the best you can claim
and Live the best you can live
Cause you got only once
And YOU DESERVE It
Oh yes YOU DO
and That’s my wish — for ME & MINE
© Marie Abanga Sept 2017
Enjoy an upcoming artist and be inspired to be the best you can this weekend and always, Amen
It’s okay to be ok
It’s okay not to be so ok
It’s okay to feel love
It’s okay to feel nought
It’s okay to give
It’s okay not to keep giving
It’s okay to strive
It’s okay to get tired
It’s okay to be sick
It’s okay to seek healing
It’s okay to try
It’s okay to keep trying
It’s okay to want to know YOU
It’s ok to be YOU
It’s okay to BE…
This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.
Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.
The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.
I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.
Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.
I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?
Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.
- I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
- I published another memoir on my brother’s journey with a mental illness as if his having epilepsy wasn’t ‘stigma and shame’ enough!;
- I admitted to being a victim and propagator of domestic abuse in yet another unconventional memoir!
- And then bam, I published my own personal journey with mental challenges!!!
- Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!
So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?
Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:
- A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
- ‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
- Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
- Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
- And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
- The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…
So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;
DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?
If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?
I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes
I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;
Have a great mid week o
Last week I returned from work one day and suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. The kind of tiredness I felt was far from my normal. I got alarmed and decided to let a few friends know I could be on my way out at that rate. I mean I couldn’t even leave my room – my bed actually, and I had to be fed right there. A small meal took like for ever and once I drank the milk I slept for 9 straight hours. I woke up the next morning feeling better although my eyes hurt like I had over slept and my head was just calming down.
My friends advised me to rest – a lot – and that’s what I did the very next day – all day I took it at my pace and fed my body some healthy stuffs. I didn’t go into town to sit for 8 – 10 hours working away at the frantic pace I had somehow in retrospect picked up and was even proud of. I usually work hard, even sports is no joking business. But there is only so much the body can take, and as one of my friends pointed out, you can’t twist a 38 year old brain and body like you were 18. Let your size not fool you she added. I gladly re-tweeted a tweet from Ms Marala Scot an American best selling author which says: ‘Your body is not your enemy listen to it’.
I have known that the body deserves breaks, I have just often thought we are masters and the body servants. It seems that’s a selfish way to look at it right? I keep learning it the hard way. It is not right, we can’t seem to want to play power tussle even with our own body and brain – makes no sense.
Sometimes, our to do list is simply overflowing and we feel like all the energy is there anyway. Yet, if we know ourselves and listen to our bodies, we could get to spare ourselves some headaches and heartaches. No doubt high blood pressure is said to be the silent killer. And when death does come, what will happen to that over stimulating to do list anyway? Maybe read out at your requiem or something?
Therefore my dear e-family, although it is good and even commendable to be ambitious and even audaciously daring, you need to listen to the body you are relying on!
Have you had any such experience with your bodies you would like to share ? How do you nurture your body ?
And this is why
Why I do what I do
Why I say what I say
Why I dance as I do
Why I cry so sad
And indeed this is why
Why I share it all
Why I love so bad
Why I hurt so deep
Why I heal so slow
And yes this is why
Why I long to help
Why I want to bare
Why I need to show
Why I can relate with that flow
To thyself be true
Leave me to my guise and grace
That may help another soul
Part of the master plan
By faith and not fear
It ain’t easy but it’s mine
Why I am the way I am
And that is why
Why I’ll keep being me
Why I’ll go on bare
Why I’ll speak it loud
Why I’ll write as it flows
Can you see the mirage in my mind
Can you see the hole in my heart
Can you see the search in my soul
Can you see the helpless thought
Can you feel the hurt there is
Can you feel the pain in it
Can you fee the drudge and drought
Can you feel the storms within
Can you touch the cancer cell
Can you touch the insane mind
Can you touch the heart beat
Can you touch the scars on the soul
Can you smell the peace I seek
Can you smell the love I have
Can you smell the smile in me
Can you smell the strides I make
Can you hear the voice within
Can you hear the silent screams
Can you hear the songs they hum
Can you hear the drums not beat
Can you sense any of it
Can you sense all of it
Can you sense even a mite
If not what can you sense ???
“Come to know the power and authority of your graces with the same precision with which you have come to know your brokenness and pain”: Caroline Myss
Hello world, My Biological clock is ticking (turn 38 next week by Grace); and peace is my number one top priority at all times now. I admit to having several broken pieces in my life – heck still do so much and they sometimes just poke up and make me bawl my eyes out all over again. I was thus very excited to pick up this other soulful memoir by Iyanla Vanzant one of my all time favorite – No nonsense authors. I mean, I cried again when I read one of her other power books titled Yesterday I Cried – Here, you can find my review of that one. I have had it for almost two years now but I guess it wasn’t time for a review. I even mentioned the book in my own personal journey to uncovering the source of my peace.
When I look at my notes from the book, I can share some of the most poignant I made:
- …I didn’t know anything about rebound relationships. I didn’t know that it takes a respectable amount of time for one person to get over another person and come to a place of completion… (Neither did I and it’s barely 3 months I finally knew and got there);
- …One powerful lesson I learned from him was that just because a man is a good man, it does not mean that he knows how to be a good partner ( my comment on that note says it all: woah, similar to what l wrote about mine);
- When two broken people bring their broken pieces together, chances are they will never become a whole anything. (very high chances I think too);
- Unworthiness always puts you in debt to anyone and everyone who shows you the slightest degree of attention or love or energy. Eventually, in this form of bankrupt relationship, your benefactors will demand or expect more than you are able or willing to give. This is the precise moment they will choose to call in the loan; (I can relate 99.99%);
- When you do not believe that who you are and what you do is good enough, that message will contaminate everything you do. When doubt is present in your consciousness it indicates a much more profound problem. It is a story that we tell ourselves about who we are and what we do and do not deserve in life. Your personal lie is a function of all of the broken pieces of your puzzle—all of the elements of your history, all of your experiences, all that you have been taught about yourself merging with all that you have made up about yourself.
And now three lessons she shared which helped her find peace amidst all those broken pieces
- Until and unless you know that you are enough just the way you are, you will always be driven to look for more. Knowing that you are enough is a function of consciousness. Your enough-ness develops in direct proportion to the relationship you have with your true identity. Until you wholeheartedly believe in your own worth, in spite your of accomplishments and possessions, there will be a void in your Spirit. I had more than a void. (here is my comment: this is what l wanted);
- When you are starting your life over, with a new sense of self, who you once were is going to challenge you. Who you once were is going to dangle old carrots, old wounds and issues, in front of your face. When that happens, you will be tempted to revert to old feelings, old patterns of thought, and old patterns of behavior. When, however, you have made up your mind that the old you is dead and buried, when you have embraced a certain level of clarity about who you are and are not, as well as who you are choosing to be, you have a different response;
- “When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.” (I got there Amen)
This really is the best way I can review this book – I broke down again so sourly two days ago, and bawled myself to instant sleep just where I was – I got up and with so much unconditional love and support – I decided to stick by the new response to ME and my Life. A big gratitude among others to Iyanla Vanzant and memoirs of hers like this one. I can’t rate this book any less than a 5/5: written in such down to earth english – so personal – so fine to read without a break.
About the Author
There isn’t anything I can say about Iyanla which isn’t everywhere and I mean including on O. here is a snipet from her website:
“What I have learned from all of the difficulties in my own life is that human beings have very thick skin. I call that skin, spirit, our Highest Most Powerful self. Spirit is the key to everything we desire. It is our weather-proofing, our Teflon, our line of credit that assures if we just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day; there will be a miraculous payoff.”
Visit her website and there you’ll find all the links you need to that great woman described as: ” one who embodies a no-nonsense approach in her message and teaching style. Outspoken, fiery, transparent, truthful, and sage-like”.