Tag Archives: Self-acceptance

Do you know thyself? Are you true to thyself?


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So glad to be in my current serene space inside out

Hello all, am back to bloggerville after a ‘supposedly two weeks of…staycation’ – vacation didn’t finally work out but I did relax some and really got to study me some more. My first post after two weeks could only be centered around what I learned about myself, and really wish to share same in order to inspire and motivate others in their own quest  to learning more about themselves and living their truth…

We have probably heard this phrase thrown at us once in a while right? Some sage or elder advice to be true to thy own self. Now I used to think, that just meant running my mouth all over the place saying what I wanted, thought, and looked forward to about all and sundry, and doing pretty much the same… ah some stuffs stubborn teenage years can get one think and do?

I have finally come to know who I am and what my purpose is, I have grown spiritually no doubt, but I didn’t have the full picture of me until recently like 7/8 days ago – although I had sometime ago come up with my own self-definition. And guess where that all sunk in – in the Loo of all places – inshort the Loo has been crowned my ‘spiritual haven’ – and no, mine doesn’t smell because there are scented candles in there and co to make and keep it cozy.

So, because I needed to know all what I was made up off like what I really like, need and expect of myself so as to truly live my purpose and truth, I sought this by doing great introspection and paying attention to what people said and didn’t say in our interactions, how they behaved, how I also behaved and how I related to/in my whole realm.

The following are some 5 facts I can package about myself and be true to:

  1. I am called Marie Angele Abanga and this name I am transforming into a brand one step at a time;
  2. I am a simple spirit, not impressed nor depressed by latest trends, tastes, gossips and all things toxic…I can call those out, and work on my attitude towards that in all truth…;
  3. I am a free spirit and an extrovert and I am finding more of a balance than not to my personality vis à vis any situation and or person and relationship I come across. I hold myself responsible and accountable for my thoughts, intentions and actions and I owe myself the utmost love, honesty and respect;
  4. I am a very passionate, highly talented and equally emotional lady and I am ok with the fact that these could sometimes set me a little off balance…I love the lady I see and talk with everyday in the mirror and prefer to let her live her truth in these states whether any interactions as a result or consequence is mutual or not;
  5. I have come to devise, embrace and effectively test my coping and healing techniques, and I am honoured and humbled to use same in my psychotherapy practice…a large part of being true to one’s self involves being able to deal and heal or heal and deal or else we are not being true to ourselves…my ego can as well get lost in the process with no regrets…what I know equally is that self care is the best care!!!

And I was thus very happy to spend two days and two nights in the atlantic city of Limbe with my Darling Donna – she is a sister soul and a kindred spirit; and I really wish us all a Donna in our lives…

And now over to you my dear gentle followers and readers, do you think it is worth knowing and being true to one’s self?

Have you discovered something about yourself you may want to inspire someone or us all with?

p.s: it feels so good to be back although I feel am getting blog matured a lot as the years go by hahaha. Thinking  some style and stuffs will be reviewed in the coming weeks or months – but looking forward to with excited anticipation and not dreaded apprehension…

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What do you want? This may sometimes proceed from what you don’t want


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It’s a sign of maturity for me to know what I want and what I don’t want

I remember when as a hyper active kid ( I guess I could very well qualify for what will be categorized and drugged today as an ADHD kid), my exasperated mother will exclaim: You this child what do you want? Several years have passed and I am 39 years today and recently got a satisfactory answer for this question.

You see, the answer didn’t just pop up like that, I was reflecting on my life and all the the things I have been doing and what I like most about the woman of faith and conviction I am becoming. I then stopped just this past March around the 26th, and I asked myself what I didn’t want to be made of it all.  The way the question popped up actually took me aback. Why should I bother what is made of my life by someone but me? But the reality is that once a public person, regardless of the category, quality or renown, your life is subject to all sorts of interpretation and conclusions.

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It may thus indeed be a very apt time to define my life specifically by what I don’t want – hence end up with what I want.

I don’t want to be accepted!!! I want to be respected!!!

There you go and that is what I got from deep within. And I turned this over, meditated and contemplated, and then came to the conclusion that was it. I didn’t write the prayer/bible verse inviting us not to conform ourselves to the standards of this world… (easy thing to do or not is not the subject of this post), but I have always love that prayer and consoled myself with that when told I was unconventional – this has come to stick as I adopted and embraced same and go by that among other tags.

And seriously, if am I not accepted or respected, I don’t care, what matters to me is self-acceptance and self-respect. It is the person’s business if they want to take me or treat/relate with me any way – all I can control is my attitude to their actions or reactions, and I have chosen to go an extra mile by stating clearly what I want/what I don’t want.

Now, is this daring? Is this dashing? Is this doable? I don’t know, I just share some of my musings to inspire and motivate, and why not to simplify myself further

 

Who are you not good enough for? Who are you waiting to believe in you?


Four more days to the official start of my purification, I got final details of the fasting I’ll be doing. When I first heard from within it’ll be in four shifts of 7,14,21 and 28 days, I smiled broadly because I have done 30 days fasts before and didn’t die so will surely do just fine. Then, that little voice told me it’s in shifts because I’ll have to fast from blogging and talking (this I will do only the barest essential). So, fast from blogging for 7 days, not so bad but 21 or 28 days oh my (still not sure if it’s 3 days break I’ll have between each fast or what – sometimes tricky to understand all what the inner voice is saying especially with this distraction full external world). But I want to commit to the end of this inner voice directed purification, and be ready for the next stage of my journey – where this will lead me to, am open handed.

And now, do you think I care what anyone thinks about what am talking about and what I’ll be doing? Well, I have heard some direct remarks but am good enough for myself and will give no power to their dissuasive remarks.

Someone told me I wasn’t doing good enough in their opinion, given all my IQ, skills, talents and personal disposition. I didn’t find it in me to be explicit in my response, I just shrugged because am beginning to learn and appreciate the power of non verbal communication.

I am good enough for myself, I believe in myself as a noble instrument of God. Many are called, few are chosen – it is a privilege to be among the few even if you have to go through some dark nights of the soul to be a good vessel for the conservation or transportation of any message.

I am aware of my initial profession as a lawyer and how some would have rather had me be one of the fiercest and richest around in my generation, but that is not my calling. I have searched and sought for 39 years, and I did say this was my year of Grace.

Reading Peace Pilgrim currently, I can relate with what she writes about being prepared and purified for a spiritual journey. There is a lot involved, and when I connect the dots backwards like Steve Jobs said, I see how the preparation started in 2008 with the death of my daughter. I was taught a very tough lesson in detachment. 10 years on, I have learned and been through so much more, even enduring and embracing some small doses of purification every now and then. Those were part of the preparation still.

I am ready now and I have talked with my sons. With regards to going vegan, no further details yet.

Am I becoming a psychic? If that be it, so what? Is that reserved only to a certain type of human beings? Born as such maybe? And even then, were any of ‘those’ever deemed good enough from the start? Did they wait to find out, or wait to see who believed in them?

If you know who you are, you will surely know whose’s validation matters most to you.

Even my writings are becoming increasingly dictated though I still negotiate to use personal examples which I believe suits the purpose of the point being made anyway.

Tomorrow, I blog on Who I am, and am grateful for the opportunity to serve humanity and do my Amazing and Almighty Father’s will whichever way he leadeth me. So long as I am good enough for him, so long as he believes in me, I am here marching on. He can and does tell me that directly inside me, it’s an honour to feel this spiritually connected.

Be inspired and motivated you all, think about these pertinent questions whatever be your mission. Even if it is still at the discovering you level, or confronting your demons level, or helping your inner you level etc, decide to be good enough for yourself and to believe in yourself – all others will fall in place eventually trust me…

I’ll be Home Alone for the New Year and I definitely need it…


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That picture was taken this morning at my mum’s, a few hours before I had some mild palpitations and felt so weak I had to take some natural remedy and go back to my home.

I went to mum’s to help out as we prepare for Grandma’s funeral come January 5-7 2018. That dress am wearing was just stiched by a seamstress and it’s the uniform for the funeral. Pictures are good because they don’t lie if you are not faking postures or heavily made up. I was none. I see my neck strained out, I see pale though cute eyes, and an entire body and mind crying for a ‘do nothing day’.

I am so grateful for my cousin who has agreed to take all three boys over from tomorrow 31st December to January 3/4 , and so I’ll be Home Alone (well with Ella).

It is hard to explain why someone looking so seemingly healthy and one who used to be the mover and shaker and dooer even of the seemingly impossible, isn’t the same anymore. It sometimes beats my own immagination too. I think it is hard to comprehend even by an immediate family, and sometimes I wish it were the Rhumatoid Arthritis rearing its head and the swollen articulations are there for all to see and say sorry.

Not only am I tired, my ears are ringing and the hearing aids seem to be capturing all the wrong sounds and amplifying them for poor me.

So, I’m holed up from the 31st of December at 4 pm right up to the 2nd of January 2018 when I resume work.

Happy new year to us all and happy celebrations to those who will be joining family and friends. To those like me, we are gonna be fine, it is just some uneasy rest and recuperation.

Journey or Ending?


The Journey

What cares you more?

The journey or the ending?

I am happy with the journey

I chose to let go

Of both the past and future

Happy is a choice

I have that power every day

To chose it over again

What will be will

Am grateful already as is

p.s: was inspired to write the above after a friend in an email exchange remarked the following ” …Everything works out well at the end. Yours too Marie will have a happy ending…”
And you gentle readers and followers, as you start this week what do you think of the question subject of this poem?

With Sincere Gratitude to my Eternal Friend: I Give Myself permission…


I Give Myself Permission

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Ain’t waiting no more for no one

Life is short & sweet & sour

How would I even know if I don’t live

the now is here and no point worrying

the future is a streak and yet mayn’t be

Hence I give myself permission…

to be me

Wouldn’t wait to know it all

Even science can’t keep it up

We all are an individual value

Should I let any one make & keep me sour

Joy & happiness is just a short distance

no chaos & creeks should blur my vision

Hence I give myself permission…

I give myself permission

All I got are my voice & word

Not taking it personal means to keep it out

All mental space I have is taken

With thoughts of a rosy here & now

I wouldn’t assume: I’ll just do my best

still it’s okay every now & then to falter

Hence I give myself permission…

Give yourself permission

P.S: I am eternally grateful for serenity and I see that in all the poems I write these days regardless of the circumstances. This poem oh my is in one of those my special categories, indeed YOU ARE BEST WHEN YOU ARE: YOU

The Best you can: Definitely one of my Best


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The best You Can

Be the best you can be

Say the best you can say

Do the best you can do 

Feel the best you can feel

Love the best you can love

———-

Oh Cry the best you can cry

Feel the hurt as it hurts

Then Heal the best you can heal

Share the best you can share

——-

Then Claim the best you can claim

and Live the best you can live

——-

Cause you got only once

And YOU DESERVE It

Oh yes YOU DO

and That’s my wish — for ME & MINE

© Marie Abanga Sept 2017

Enjoy an upcoming artist and be inspired to be the best you can this weekend and always, Amen

It’s Okay


it's ok

It’s okay to be ok

It’s okay not to be so ok

It’s okay to feel love

It’s okay to feel nought

It’s okay to give

It’s okay not to keep giving

It’s okay to strive

It’s okay to get tired

It’s okay to be sick

It’s okay to seek healing

It’s okay to try

It’s okay to keep trying

It’s okay to want to know YOU

It’s ok to be YOU

It’s okay to BE…

Some say I took the easy way out: really?


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Hello world,

This post is a ‘rant-lite’ and also a call to authenticity and responsibility.

Some tough issues I have been dealing with recently especially relating to my holistic health, has provoked this post.

The title is literally a discussion I had last December with one of my former college children ( a local jargon to define children we take under our wings in college – boarding school). We were talking and they said the general buz out there in the bush ( another local jargon to mean abroad cause the notion is you go abroad to work your ass off like a farmer going to a real bush) is that I took the easy way out. I was so taken aback and all I could say then was: “really?”. Later on, because I still love them so much, I took the pains to explain to them why I chose to leave bush and relocate home, as if it wasn’t normal in the first place for a parent to want to relocate back home and be with their children.

I am therefore doing this post as an open reply to the bush buzzers, and an open challenge to all to dare authenticity and be responsible for their lives and choices.

Before I proceed, I will want to state that I did visit several ‘bushfallers’ ( local jargon to refer to those who live abroad) both in Europe and the US before my relocation home in August 2015. When many heard I was planning on relocating, they were mainly wow wow wish we could too. I think it’s also this ‘hypocritical irony’ (forgive my choice of words) that set me off when I heard the bush buzz.

I am an unconventional lady and I have taken off my mask. I try 97% of my time to dare authenticity especially since May 2011. I attempted suicide and know desperation; been near bed ridden for 2 years taking one meds after the other. I hit 115 kg (250 lb or so) at one point in life and felt so bad; really I should have taken an easy way out then had I known one. So, when I eventually fled home for bush leaving my boys behind, that could easily and maybe even logically be seen as choosing the easy way out right?

Look at some of the things I did or considered which should have literally prevented my relocation back home.

  1. I published my very unconventional memoir publicly declaring myself an adulteress and Al… Wow, what humiliation? What disgrace?;
  2. I published another memoir on my brother’s journey with a mental illness as if his having epilepsy wasn’t ‘stigma and shame’ enough!;
  3. I admitted to being a victim and propagator of domestic abuse in yet another unconventional memoir!
  4. And then bam, I published my own personal journey with mental challenges!!!
  5. Above all I had no sustainable plan lined out especially when my long term goal was to take my boys and live with them in our own home and raise them on my own!!!

So, considering the above, how was I anticipating my come back? How was I going  to face the public back home? What was I thinking? That it will be a smooth ride? That I will just fit in and resume from where I left and just find some economic, emotional and even mental stability? Physically I was in top shape, had succeeded in dropping and keeping off over 40kgs – so yes there was surely an easy way out maintaing that physical trend but was that all to it?

Look at what I was giving up from the new life I had managed to forge abroad:

  1. A wonderful relationship with a gentleman, one I still regard as my Super super Hero;
  2. ‘Illusive peace and tranquility’ from not having my children meaning I can do pretty as I want and go where and whenever I please (I mean, I know many bushfallers who send their kids back home to be raised by their parents for various reasons including the cost of childcare out there – the peace and tranquility I got from leaving and living without my own was ‘illusive’ – I don’t know about others);
  3. Some great relationships which could only be tended if I stayed in bush, lots of adventure like even learning to ride both a manual and motor bike, in short a new and more ‘modern’ way of living!;
  4. Insurance coverage which gave me access to the hospital, basic medications, doctors and specialists like the dentist – one I haven’t seen since I returned for lack of coverage and means or need!;
  5. And who knows, I may have worked my ass real out (I wasn’t already doing badly and could send some euros back home every now and then), and taken my sons over after maybe 3 -5 years (what they would have turned out then and how our relationship would have evolved, I can’t guess);
  6. The possibility of more stress due to the drop in standards of living, less income, difficult relationships, readapting to a culture after mixing up other bits from different parts of the globe…

So, reading all the above which I am greatly limiting because my intention with the post as I earlier said is to invite people to dare authenticity and be responsible for their choices;

DO YOU MY GENTLE READERS AND FOLLOWERS ALSO THINK i TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT?

 If that really is an easy way out what I have chosen, then why don’t many more take it instead of playing out their lives on social media and whining all they can behind their screens?

I am grateful for my choices; I am grateful for all the chances; I am grateful for all the changes

I don’t think any is an easy way out, the grass very often seems greener on the other side until you are stuck on it: I chose to relocate having found who I was looking for – and that is ME; I chose to dare authenticity and say it as I see and live it;

Have a great mid week o

Easy way out quote

Listen to your body and nurture it to spare you some…


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Dear World,

Last week I returned from work one day and suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. The kind of tiredness I felt was far from my normal. I got alarmed and decided to let a few friends know I could be on my way out at that rate. I mean I couldn’t even leave my room – my bed actually, and I had to be fed right there. A small meal took like for ever and once I drank the milk I slept for 9 straight hours. I woke up the next morning feeling better although my eyes hurt like I had over slept and my head was just calming down.

My friends advised me to rest – a lot – and that’s what I did the very next day – all day I took it at my pace and fed my body some healthy stuffs. I didn’t go into town to sit for 8 – 10 hours working away at the frantic pace I had somehow in retrospect picked up and was even proud of. I usually work hard, even sports is no joking business. But there is only so much the body can take, and as one of my friends pointed out, you can’t twist a 38 year old brain and body like you were 18. Let your size not fool you she added. I gladly re-tweeted a tweet from Ms Marala Scot an American best selling author which says: ‘Your body is not your enemy listen to it’.

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I have known that the body deserves breaks, I have just often thought we are masters and the body servants. It seems that’s a selfish way to look at it right? I keep learning it the hard way. It is not right, we can’t seem to want to play power tussle even with our own body and brain – makes no sense.

Sometimes, our to do list is simply overflowing and we feel like all the energy is there anyway. Yet, if we know ourselves and listen to our bodies, we could get to spare ourselves some headaches and heartaches. No doubt high blood pressure is said to be the silent killer. And when death does come, what will happen to that over stimulating to do list anyway? Maybe read out at your requiem or something?

Therefore my dear e-family, although it is good and even commendable to be ambitious and even audaciously daring, you need to listen to the body you are relying on!

Have you had any such experience with your bodies you would like to share ? How do you nurture your body ?

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