Tag Archives: Self-Awareness

Dday -3: Who am I, who are you?

Hello world, as you can all see from the above, it is only after 39 good years on earth that I got an answer. I first went by disqualification after reading a very profound book by prominent Wyoming lawyer and author Jerry Spence, and two weeks ago I got up with the realization of who I am.

I am freedom and love. Why freedom before love, don’t ask me. I think I have been these all along, but they got so buried under ‘life and its never ending wahalas’.

As I look forward to starting my official purification on March 1st 2018, I am free and ready with all the love needed to stay disciplined and dedicated to the end; I need nobody’s validation but God’s and mine.

I leave you with more scribbles of mine (does the scribbling seem familiar/normal, or indicate a mental illness?), as well as motivation to those still in the self discovery or self definition school.

Wishing us all a fruitful week. I have two more posts to write before I take my leave from food, blogging and more (as my inner voice dictates) …am looking forward to a super spiritual and fulfilling experience and will sure share same with you during my breaks.


Who are you not good enough for? Who are you waiting to believe in you?

Four more days to the official start of my purification, I got final details of the fasting I’ll be doing. When I first heard from within it’ll be in four shifts of 7,14,21 and 28 days, I smiled broadly because I have done 30 days fasts before and didn’t die so will surely do just fine. Then, that little voice told me it’s in shifts because I’ll have to fast from blogging and talking (this I will do only the barest essential). So, fast from blogging for 7 days, not so bad but 21 or 28 days oh my (still not sure if it’s 3 days break I’ll have between each fast or what – sometimes tricky to understand all what the inner voice is saying especially with this distraction full external world). But I want to commit to the end of this inner voice directed purification, and be ready for the next stage of my journey – where this will lead me to, am open handed.

And now, do you think I care what anyone thinks about what am talking about and what I’ll be doing? Well, I have heard some direct remarks but am good enough for myself and will give no power to their dissuasive remarks.

Someone told me I wasn’t doing good enough in their opinion, given all my IQ, skills, talents and personal disposition. I didn’t find it in me to be explicit in my response, I just shrugged because am beginning to learn and appreciate the power of non verbal communication.

I am good enough for myself, I believe in myself as a noble instrument of God. Many are called, few are chosen – it is a privilege to be among the few even if you have to go through some dark nights of the soul to be a good vessel for the conservation or transportation of any message.

I am aware of my initial profession as a lawyer and how some would have rather had me be one of the fiercest and richest around in my generation, but that is not my calling. I have searched and sought for 39 years, and I did say this was my year of Grace.

Reading Peace Pilgrim currently, I can relate with what she writes about being prepared and purified for a spiritual journey. There is a lot involved, and when I connect the dots backwards like Steve Jobs said, I see how the preparation started in 2008 with the death of my daughter. I was taught a very tough lesson in detachment. 10 years on, I have learned and been through so much more, even enduring and embracing some small doses of purification every now and then. Those were part of the preparation still.

I am ready now and I have talked with my sons. With regards to going vegan, no further details yet.

Am I becoming a psychic? If that be it, so what? Is that reserved only to a certain type of human beings? Born as such maybe? And even then, were any of ‘those’ever deemed good enough from the start? Did they wait to find out, or wait to see who believed in them?

If you know who you are, you will surely know whose’s validation matters most to you.

Even my writings are becoming increasingly dictated though I still negotiate to use personal examples which I believe suits the purpose of the point being made anyway.

Tomorrow, I blog on Who I am, and am grateful for the opportunity to serve humanity and do my Amazing and Almighty Father’s will whichever way he leadeth me. So long as I am good enough for him, so long as he believes in me, I am here marching on. He can and does tell me that directly inside me, it’s an honour to feel this spiritually connected.

Be inspired and motivated you all, think about these pertinent questions whatever be your mission. Even if it is still at the discovering you level, or confronting your demons level, or helping your inner you level etc, decide to be good enough for yourself and to believe in yourself – all others will fall in place eventually trust me…

Traveling for me takes mental and physical preparation: And you?

Hi all, first solo travel in 2018. I cherish traveling alone because I can read and sleep and do just as I want without feeling obliged to talk with anyone. I know aome good conversation could be struck up with a seat mate and even contact made, but on this particular trip not me oh lol!

Taveling used to be fun when I was a kid. I loved going around with my dad and asking all the questions in the world inspite being told to just shut up like my siblings and leave him to drive in peace. He still remembers to this date lol!

However, when we moved to Yaounde from Douala when I was in Grade 4, everything changed. That was a major traveling for me because it was not a to and fro. I was leaving all my bearings behind, and not happy dad hadn’t even told me of this move when he got the news from his job. I was really something to even think of that right? It is ‘not expected of good African children’ period!

Although my anxiety at traveling has gotten better and I no longer pack months or weeks in advance (up to 2015 that was me), I still love to be ready mentally and physically at least 3 days in advanve. Any on the spur trips even if fun, or not consented to, throw my psychologically off balance a while. I can’t even imagine what I’ll do if I in any last minute packing for example, left behing an item or piece of luggage lol!

Well, for now, am boarded for Yaounde again for an overnight trip. Am hoping for the best of moments and know the boys will try their best. I am reading Peace Pilgrim and well wrapped up for the AC in this dang so called VIP bus lol!

And you gentle readers and followers, what is your preferred traveling mantra? Plan and Prepare; or Up and Go?

Dynamics & Gymnastics

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

I need to let you in

To the dynamics & gymnastics

That troll your friend

And can make/mar her life

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

The dynamics & gymnastics

Are from external & internal

Forces I can & can’t control

Maybe you heard about dem words

Used in physics or logic

Schools or sports

Think of a body & mind 

In their place

Then imagine how they go

Dynamics & gymnastics

This way & that way

Peace & please

Act up or shut up

To be forewarned is to be forearmed

P.s: poem written at 1.20 am – been thrashing aroumd simce 11:11 pm. Ome of those nights where dynamics & gymnastics are in place. Trolling me around. But am braving this because I have braved some before. I can at least identify some issues and will see my therapist during the day before I go to mum’s ahead of granny’s fumeral.

Scheduling this poem just because the respite I think is in the writing it and not the clicking publish

Wishing us all the best 

I’ll be Home Alone for the New Year and I definitely need it…


That picture was taken this morning at my mum’s, a few hours before I had some mild palpitations and felt so weak I had to take some natural remedy and go back to my home.

I went to mum’s to help out as we prepare for Grandma’s funeral come January 5-7 2018. That dress am wearing was just stiched by a seamstress and it’s the uniform for the funeral. Pictures are good because they don’t lie if you are not faking postures or heavily made up. I was none. I see my neck strained out, I see pale though cute eyes, and an entire body and mind crying for a ‘do nothing day’.

I am so grateful for my cousin who has agreed to take all three boys over from tomorrow 31st December to January 3/4 , and so I’ll be Home Alone (well with Ella).

It is hard to explain why someone looking so seemingly healthy and one who used to be the mover and shaker and dooer even of the seemingly impossible, isn’t the same anymore. It sometimes beats my own immagination too. I think it is hard to comprehend even by an immediate family, and sometimes I wish it were the Rhumatoid Arthritis rearing its head and the swollen articulations are there for all to see and say sorry.

Not only am I tired, my ears are ringing and the hearing aids seem to be capturing all the wrong sounds and amplifying them for poor me.

So, I’m holed up from the 31st of December at 4 pm right up to the 2nd of January 2018 when I resume work.

Happy new year to us all and happy celebrations to those who will be joining family and friends. To those like me, we are gonna be fine, it is just some uneasy rest and recuperation.

Who has that power???

Who has that power???

To turn you into a robot

To determine how you feel

Love; fear; happy; sad

Whose responsibility is it???

How you see things

The voices you hear

The reactions to it all

The choices to make

What happens next???

When you say aha

Because you dug and found

Who has that power

Is it YOU or THEM???

p.s: Motivated and inspired by something I read from a book this morning titled: Love is letting go of fear. Made me remember the above song I loved and jumped to in the 1990s

With Sincere Gratitude to my Eternal Friend: I Give Myself permission…

I Give Myself Permission

permission slip

Ain’t waiting no more for no one

Life is short & sweet & sour

How would I even know if I don’t live

the now is here and no point worrying

the future is a streak and yet mayn’t be

Hence I give myself permission…

to be me

Wouldn’t wait to know it all

Even science can’t keep it up

We all are an individual value

Should I let any one make & keep me sour

Joy & happiness is just a short distance

no chaos & creeks should blur my vision

Hence I give myself permission…

I give myself permission

All I got are my voice & word

Not taking it personal means to keep it out

All mental space I have is taken

With thoughts of a rosy here & now

I wouldn’t assume: I’ll just do my best

still it’s okay every now & then to falter

Hence I give myself permission…

Give yourself permission

P.S: I am eternally grateful for serenity and I see that in all the poems I write these days regardless of the circumstances. This poem oh my is in one of those my special categories, indeed YOU ARE BEST WHEN YOU ARE: YOU

It’s Okay

it's ok

It’s okay to be ok

It’s okay not to be so ok

It’s okay to feel love

It’s okay to feel nought

It’s okay to give

It’s okay not to keep giving

It’s okay to strive

It’s okay to get tired

It’s okay to be sick

It’s okay to seek healing

It’s okay to try

It’s okay to keep trying

It’s okay to want to know YOU

It’s ok to be YOU

It’s okay to BE…

Pleased 2 Piss People Off

Wow world, another friday is here and am glad to share a big discovery I made during my recent BBB.

You know, when I have an issue and take a break, I look forward to understanding what’s going on, why or how am faring the way am faring, and what to do next.

So, the first thing I noted was that I am still getting worked up over other people’s reactions or expectations of me! I mean I sometimes felt pissed off and decided to google the word hoping to find some anti piss-off ‘medication’. I didn’t find no solution, only some images like the above.

Bingo, I have a cat and could use the first one, but I have no hair to shampoo, so I could  only offer that to whoever was pissing me off literally speaking right?

Further reflections made me realize some vip things now:


Oh my gosh yes, yes, yes: I could learn the art of pissing people off too 🙂

Afterall, why should some piss people off and get away with that? I didn’t want to be nasty or outright mean, but I had to make my points henceforth and no longer suffer in silence:

  1. If speaking my mind is pissing people off: am pleased;
  2. If caring for myself is pissing people off: am pleased;
  3. If keeping quiet and letting someone fume is pissing people off: am pleased;
  4. If sleeping over something before responding is pissing people off: am pleased;
  5. If not being excited as I am expected to be is pissing people off: am pleased;
  6. If unflinchingly saying NO and standing by it is pissing people off: am pleased;
  7. If saying yes with a but… Is pissing people off: am pleased;
  8. Gosh, if to my own self am true is pissing people off: am very pleased!

The bottom line I advocate is that although the words ‘Piss Off’ may be found repelant or repugnant, they can be appreciated and used positively to stay sane.

I share my discovery and strategy with the goal of inspiring and motivating others. How many suffer in silence because they don’t want to ‘piss anyone off’ while being continually ‘pissed off’? For a previous and still struggling people pleaser like myself, if passing through learning and practicing to piss people off my way is what I need to find a balance: am pleased.

Ahd now over to you gentle readers and followers? What do you think about these words and their impact on one’s mental health?

An official BBB 4 me at this point

Hiya my gentle readers and followers,

I have decided to take a BBB… OHh a brief blogging break.

My last few posts have surely revealed some about my current state of mind and matter, and so a break is highly needed. I wish I could travel for some much needed me moments. But Nada, not especially for a single mom of 3 boys with one of them not going on any Easter break because well he is in an ‘examination’ class.

Am just taking a BBB from writing, not reading and commenting. I think something like 7 or 10 days you know. I plan to blog daily in May which is Mental Health Awareness Month and so yes I need to get my grove back sooner than later.

So, see you over at your blogs…

Have a great week aheas