Tag Archives: unconditional love

A very emotional day: finally ready to see where he was buried


Hello world, some update from my village.

 Starting with if you’ll call this good news: the internet connection cut 3 months ago has been restored. Am therefore writing this post as a tribute to that restoration;

Second emotional news: I saw my dad and although I didn’t get a hug, I got so much more. I put my hand on his shoulder and he put one of his behind me too. Some may see this as a no event but to me this is such a big deal… See our smiles…gratitude for the peace… Also reconnected with my big step sister today am thankful and I spoke to the daughter of a late cousin I was so fond of. Indeed we had same surnames and age oh we were pals…

Third and toughest emotional news, I finally did go and see where my brother Gabriel was buried. When he died in the US and his corps was brought home, I flew in from Belgium but refused going to see where he’ll be buried. He is buried behind my dad’s compound, and although I have been here some months ago, I didn’t feel ready going there. Could my going there today mean I was ready for some sort of closure about his death ahead of the medical mission starting tomorrow?

Sometimes in life, some grief shake us up and we near lose our bearings. We have different ways and timelines of dealing with grief, but I wish we all give it a try and not let fear ruin it for us. Even grief at a relationship we so looked up to or one causing us so much pain, we need to find the strength to deal and heal for our mental wellbeing.

Wishing us all a happy weekend… 

I started the day with tears but am much better now… Sharing this to let someone somewhere going through similar stuff know they ain’t alone

Are you defined or refined by your past???


Do we see or feel the rays no matter how blurred; or we only see the narrow and dark path? How much is this a cause and effect of our past?

Hello world,

We are approaching the weekend and my ever contemplative and searching soul just thought about what my past has or is still doing to me. I then thought to share it with us all here and maybe inspire others to do their own introspection.

Ok let’s go.

1) Did my past cause me so much pain to make me despise lots of it? YES. I have admitted my role in all the mess of my past and tried to deal with them in different ways all with a bid to heal. Now, we all know the wise saying about not focussing so much on your past to let it influence your present right? Well I dare argue that wisdom so so easier said than done… There are many including myself who have numerous times over been both physical and mental victims – hostage of their pasts. Some pasts have been know to impact so badly our present circumstances so much that the future is completely blurred and unfathomable…  but then next;

2) Am I so ashamed of my past to talk about it or share it? Me, NO. When I realized how much shame of my past was killing me slowly and almost got me to drive a knife in, I decided, (even if implementing that took a few years) to deal with that shame and talk about that past through any medium available. For me, it was also a way to fight stigma. The stigma associated with being a ‘loser, a pimp, an addict, a mentally challenged or ill, etc etc’ and who knows whom will be helped by my story right? ok, and so what now;

3) What has facing my past and pain and sharing done? Oh my, the big big positives negate the tiny setbacks or few hate trolls. I even got a national award for my very first memoir. I have become much more self-empowered and aware, so full of gratitude, so conscious of Amazing Grace, so full of faith, oh so determined as a women’s rights and mental health advocate.I hardly turn down any invitation to talk about my past, share my lessons and journey and yes on my own platforms there is no hiding where I come from… I have become one of those brands you don’t mess around with and I am at peace with this ME… Who knows what or where I would have been had I not made that conscious, painful and challenging decision  to deal with and heal from my past;  and so in conclusion;

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Today, I confidently answer that my past has not defined me but it has refined me – it has helped me to embrace self-improvement, self-love, self-appreciation, self-worth and oh my self-esteem is better than ever. This has been a long journey and actually an ongoing one… But, am better equipped and am using that past and pain as solid foundations from which to springboard to greater heights in all faith, hope and charity.

And you…??? Please share cause you really never know who can be helped by your comment

Have a nice weekend everyone!!!

It’s my Birthday: Reviewing some of them down the road


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My  3 Musketeers and I, what more could I ask for?

Oh Happy day, oh happy day… Oh happy day, oh happy day…

Another birthday is here, wow wow wow – look at who’s made it this far?  This year is a far different year because I think I have come full cycle… not that life will not make and mar me henceforth or anymore, but I have since the 10th of October last year made a conscious turning point in my life henceforth… No more consciously messing up and letting myself be messed up so help me God… I am therefore celebrating this day with my boys in our own special way – yes I DESERVE IT

I flash back to my birthday in 2014… I did a youtube; sort of familiarizing myself with baring and sharing my whole self – body and soul out there in the world; and oh my that was scary especially back then…

Then in 2015, I was further tamed to attempt some humour, and I came up with 36 lessons learned in 36 years… hope you have a look right here… A few days before then, I had just made one of my greatest discoveries – I found love oh my…

37th-birthday
A very pleasant surprise, modest but 

Last year, that is 2016, I was a guest on a show on that day talking about women and love and life; and hmm I was feeling soso until the host surprised me with a birthday cake… That warmed me up for the rest of the day…

With this dear all, I humbly recall and share some of my journey especially on my birthday… Wishing us all the best…

Thank you
Gratitude all the way

 

When your trash becomes someone’s treasure: Who should you take that out on?


Hello World, 

This lady here who blogs her heart and soul out especially since she got the bug, is getting happier by the day. Indeed, I have changed a gread deal; I have fewer of those moments when I simply don’t have it in me or don’t care about what goes on, I look more and more forward to living wholy if my mandate around permits. In a week, I turn 38 and oh my could I believe I could someday be a man’s treasure? I mean even just orally? Come on all, I have dealt with so much emotional trauma in my life and so I can even if only temporarily let my spirits be lifted this high. And when I think I was told off as trash and treated maybe even worse than trash by another man some years ago?

Prelude

So now, without going so much around… let me gist you a little bit about my new self… Ok, the same me, the shaggy one who writes just anything which pops into her skull, who works out like she’s sick (I was even told I could be HIV +), who has messed up countless times, is now told even if only on social media, that she’s awesome, impressive, lovely and etc. I am not actinh on any of those flirting, but at least a good starting point I acclaim.

Candidly, I personally know I am worth all of that and much more. I tell myself such affirmative talk each day because I know by Faith I am the best for me and I am unconditionally loved by my Almighty Father. But to be told this by a someone else, keeps its own special warmth inside out too 🙂

So, who do you take it out on when you see your trash become someone’s treasure?

That is what I seem to be becoming (some man’s treasure); and it makes me wonder more on what I have also come to observe. That when a man has trashed a woman out (of her witts) and trashed her out of his house, he hardly thinks anyone should pick that trash up and clean it up, or start treasuring same; most of such a man goes wild. I mean we have all probably read of those who throw acid on the women so that nobody has them again right? And the ‘honour killings’ and incesant blackmail and other psychological torture. Precisely on the 2nd, my ex went on one of his sms rampages telling me all he’s ever said before and more, all because I couldn’t reach the kids and dared sms him. He had once again seized my son’s phone which I got him. I ignored him, better still, I told him to man up and tell me that to my face – I actually showed up at his house – daring him to call the cops – but ofcourse he stayed indoors. I checked on my kids and left. Could he still be dealing with so much loathing for me – or himself maybe? 

Ok now, who is he gonna take it out on when he sees me another person’s treasure – or even hears about that? I never thought of taking anything out of him even if I may also have treated him poorly, maybe because I wished him so much well – was glad to learn that he’s remarried and moving on even in fatherhood.

Why all the hate, why all the trying to treat others as trash in the first place?

Maybe we should start from here I dare suggest, I now see why I hated some people at some point in my life. I hated my life as it was and thought to hold others responsible. Maybe they didn’t treat me right, but was I treating myself right? I know when you are under someone’s responsiblity say as a kid, you don’t have a choice – but am talking about adults here and under normal circumstances. As to treating people like trash, I have never consciously and directly treated someone as such – I don’t consider my infidelities as treating my ex as trash… Anyway, the past for me is past and am not seeking to take anything out on anybody at all. I am seriously Sassy, Single and Satisfied to live and live the bloom out…

All the best from my crew and I;

Now over to you, any such experience to share?

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care…


Avant Poem: Hello World, barely a day into the new year I come up with such a poem? Well, it is not my actual state of mind, but the inspiration came and reflects my reality at some and other times… Above all, I want to think there are some people somewhere going through stuffs and currently their state of mind may pretty much reflect that… Am I a sort of Voice of the Voiceless?

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I feel…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how you feel…

Sometimes I simply don’t wanna care how they feel…

Sometimes it’s simply so hard to care…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I look…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I speak…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care how I walk…

Sometimes I simply  very simply don’t wanna care…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what they say…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what they do…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care what goes on…

Sometimes I just truly really don’t wanna care

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am moody…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am grouchy…

Sometimes I just don’t wanna care I am sleazy

Sometimes caring is just so oh so hard…

 

Post Poem: It may seem at the time one goes through all or pretty much of the above, that it’ll never come to pass… but since life itself is fleeting, so to is all that… hence I got and went for the apt sometimes… 

Wishing us all the best and so so much more for this new year – Am a January girl, I love fresh starts especially at the beginning of a year and so I’ll trying to show as much in my blogging this month…

My Legacy: Happy New Year to All


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Hello World, I scheduled this post for the first day of the new year – here’s to hoping am still around. If I comment on any of your comments, then I sure still is around Amen…

I started writing this sometimes in October 2016, but for some reason I didn’t post it then… I’ll want for it to be live on my blog… to just be here for all to see… each passing day, each passing moment, brings me closer to the inevitability of my life’s closure… something I had even wanted to usher in myself over 7 years ago… it’s been a long trip since then and am still around… more glad than not to be here…say I love to live…

In my last memoir titled What’s the Worst Case Scenario: Fighting my fears within mindful of my mental challenges ; the last and shortest chapter (a single page), was ‘The fear of Dying’. I had to face that fear because it had already dealt so much with me and that fear greatly impacted my living to the fullest. Paradoxically to put it simply: The more I feared to die – the more I feared to live! Whatever show I put up, was very often just that, a show! Hurray am past that now… I not only faced that fear, I think about that past and I chuckle… I don’t look forward to dying any time soon, but who does? And yet it’s so inevitable that we’ll all walk or drift or etc. through that door of no return… and I just thought about my legacy especially on this day, what will I like to be remembered for? This is it:

I lived & loved: I loved &Lived

Truth equally be told, if in the in between of living and loving: loving and living; I was an inspiration to some and hopefully motivated even just one; then that’s a big bonus to my legacy: This is what I sincerely wish to leave behind for my sons and posterity; and be remembered for – and for all the gratitude I have always had in me for all who crossed my path in whatever way, even the hurtful way…

Without much ado now, we can’t afford to become sad on the first day of a new year: Happy New Year & Best Wishes – Thank You to all my gentle readers, followers and soul family…This year I make no resolutions other than to continue striving to thrive in every circumstance in total faith… So over to you;

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Stop Trying …


Stop trying to be what you’re not…

Stop trying to be who you’re not…

Stop trying to be likeable…

Stop trying to be despicable…

Stop trying to be impressive …

Stop trying to throat it down on others…

Stop faking you understand…

Stop making up, be it on your pretty face or otherwise…

Stop trying to be miserable..

Stop thinking the world owes you one…

Stop dreaming you live in Neverland

Stop: And I mean seriously stop trying to be all the above and much more – you best know…

Start trying to BE & regain YOU!!!