Posted in Guest Posts, Marie's Garden, Poetry

My blog seeks guests; come one, come all hurray!!!


be-my-guest
Come one, come all  !

Wow, Hello World, I have been a guest on a few other platforms to be able to say without any doubt that there is indeed joy in sharing. I appreciate and hold in esteem those who shared or hosted me on their platforms, and I am impressed by my courage in responding to the offers to share something of my story on their platform, and answer the questions and comments therefrom.

It is all such experiences which moves this 38 year old me, to  via  my blog & platform, seek out some guests. Please come one, come all and share with us all. I remember and will even throwback 3 guests posts I had when I started blogging over 3 years ago; but the principle is simple. I want my guests to feel free to share anything within the confines of the different categories of my platform! That is, anything from ‘about you’, to inspiring and motivating stuffs, poetry, books and of course mental health. I sure reserve the right on when, why and what I publish, but you can surely guess that much of what a guest decides to share via my platform will be largely uncensored… so let your words flow…

You can even write mildly about religion provided you ain’t out to convert or condemn anyone; even a little ‘pissy’ politics will sieve through…

So, what are you and yours waiting for ? I can be contacted at all times…

Thank you
Gratitude all the way
Posted in Book Reviews, Mental Health Advocacy

Book Review: Taking the Mask Off: Destroying the Stigmatic Barriers of Mental Health and Addiction Using a Spiritual Solution by Cortland Pfeffer, Irwin Ozborne


taking-the-mask-off

 

This memoir was on my wish list as soon as I read that it was to be published. I follow the author’s blog and he has inspired me a lot, I got that soulful telepathic motivation to take and keep my own mask off… Frankly speaken, this book may not be on the spectre of the Four Agreements – well the author read and was inspired by that one too… but this book is another big bam revolutionary book not definitely for the chicken hearted. Truth be told, the authors did an incredible job especially with all the research in the book. And using his personal, amazing, and life impacting story – to all extent and with no reservation, gets me 5/5 PERIOD.

I don’t even know how to conventionally review this book… I mean I heard Oprah Winfrey on youtube say how her knees trembled when she went to interview Michael Jakson the Legend. She has interviwed thousands of celebrities yet she has never felt ‘nervous’ going to interview anyone. Gosh she herself is celebrity… This anecdote is just to say that of all the hundreds and hundreds of books I have read, I never felt so ‘Soul Strained and Soul Searched’ like I felt while reading this book… even reading the Four Agreements which I presented recently, didn’t move me to my marrows like this one… I related to different extents no doubt, but I sure do… I learn just so much… I agree to just so much…

229 Highlights | 231 Notes (This is from kindle – you can tell what I take out of this book)… I’ll share a few of my notes and then leave you with the encouragement to add this to your reading list for the season … you wouldn’t regret it – you’ll look at the New Year different – You’ll plan it differently and hopefully Live it Out Differently…

Highlight (Yellow) and Note | Location 989
If I can push people away from me, there is no chance they can get close to me and hurt me. If my emotional learning stems from fear and mistrust, I am not going to let random hospital staff into my life.
wow (My note)
Highlight (Yellow) and Note | Location 990
The Power of Empathy
does much (My note)
Highlight (Yellow) and Note | Location 1107
they did everything with love. Ahh, there it is. The other motivating factor in life: love. As described by Jack Kornfield in A Wise Heart, “When you love anyone enough, they will share their secrets.”
true (My note)

Thank you Cortland Pfeffer, Irwin Ozborne…

About Cortland Pfeffer
Cortland Pfeffer spent years as a patient in psychiatric hospitals, treatment centers, and jails before becoming a registered nurse and working in the same facilities. Based on his experience, this story is told from both sides of the desk. It offers a unique and valuable perspective into mental health and addiction, revealing the problems with the psychiatric industry while also providing the solution – one that brings together science, spirituality, philosophy, and personal experience.

Posted in About, Marie's Garden

Hurray It’s my Birthday: 36 course in 36 years


MM full of anticipation
MM full of anticipation

I am glad to have made it to 36! At some point in my teenage, l kept feeling l’ll leave this world at 33! Not that l didn’t like life, but l felt it didn’t like me and l was doing so much to get it to accommodate me! Well, I didn’t but my Gaby did, while I had tried to let myself out at age 30! Anyway, you readers can thus understand why my 35th Anniversary message here was this emotional.

And so on this day when l celebrate my 3rd bonus year (from 33 you know) or my 6th (from the suicide attempt), permit me to share with you blogging pals the main courses l have taken so far, the lessons learnt and those I still ponder about:
The jittery Pupil
The jittery Pupil
  1. It isn’t the absence of fights that mean there’s peace;
  2. Being a dad on the parlour sofa does not make you one for your kids;
  3. Pushing trauma to the back of your mind doesn’t mean it’ll go away or even stay just there;
  4. Your crowd largely reflects you or some big part of: I have met and liked the good, the bad and the ugly;
  5. A smile can mean you are appreciated, envied or simply wished vanished;

    A pupil on a permanent internship in the school of life (hope the cute boil on my nose produces a wink)
    A pupil on a permanent internship in the school of life (hope the cute boil on my nose produces a wink)
  6. You have a right to choose your friends;
  7. Mental illness is for real and it can take all shapes and forms, and even visits celebrity & royalty;
  8. Love truly lies in the hands of the beholder;
  9. You either stand your ground or get trampled upon;
  10. Regardless of the above, humility is one great virtue;
  11. Sometimes it’s so hard to pick up a mirror cause the reflection could as well be too bright enough to blind you;
  12. It’s not how fast you skip through formal education, it is how far your survive in the informal school;
  13. Illusions are mostly what make the world go round;
  14. The more unconventional it is, the more appealing it could sometime be;
  15. We are ere past the inquisition – I put Faith, Hope and Charity on the same lane; I refuse to align behind any Religion;
  16. knowing how to spell a word today doesn’t mean you’ll always know how to spell the same word;
  17. Nothing permanently binds a pauper to that pauperhood;
  18. Nothing permanently guarantees a millionaire his millions;
  19. Insurance is simply business built on fear, but a good one nonetheless;
  20. Some keep their troubles to themselves while others just can’t keep their troubles to themselves: that’s equally democracy;
  21. There indeed can be miracles when you believe – yet it is and should rightly be a choice;
  22. If you truly can’t adapt, stop trying and move on – one day your visit here below will be unilaterally terminated, for you would have outlived any purpose;

    Plain Me
    Plain Me
  23. It’s a 6/6 hole for all so I am made to believe;
  24.  Were really all men born of a woman? I still ponder!;
  25. Are boys better than girls or does it really matter?;
  26. What the heck did pigmentation think when it was leaving some bodies devoid of protection?;
  27. Must medication have side effects?;
  28. I once thought a second was the smallest unit of time, how limited was my imagination?;
  29. Either grow up, think global and act local or remain in your mother’s eggs;
  30. An ocean of knowledge is how l now see it, and the journey across takes a lifetime;
  31. Who do you wanna be? The option is to face that now or latter when it may as well be too late!;
  32. How would you know how you are remembered? That could give me more incentive;
  33. I had thought by now l should be immune to pain;
  34. My future is indeed behind me, it is those 3 boys who call me mama;
    The gentlemen in my life
    The gentlemen in my life
    For them I thrive amidst my challenges
    For them I thrive amidst my challenges

    it is all the school girls l campaign for; it is all the boys l advocate to treat their sisters in all equity and equality;

  35. There are just two words that change it all to unlucky, unhappy, unimportant…;

    My memoir
    My memoir
  36. Baring myself in my memoir was the most dreadful thing l did to my family, the most therapeutic thing l did for myself, and an amazing thing l did for the community.
× The bonus is – l found love, at last deep within me! It’s ok not to have a man or any one validate you, it’s ok to have ‘me’ time, it’s ok to follow your inner GPS, and sure while we’re still at it, it’s ok to have some fun!!!
And you gentle readers and followers, do you mind sharing any of your lessons or leaving a comment on one of mine? Come on now, that’s the only birthday present I humbly ask of you 🙂
Posted in Marie's Garden, My Memoirs

Excited to announce countdown deals for my book!


From my heart, through my pen, to these pages
From my heart, through my pen, to these pages

Dear all, by Friday, you will know why l am excited not only to announce countdown deals for my book, but what lies planned for my vacation.

The deals are first of all two fold and each will run for a week. They are only for the kindle version although in due time, l will do another giveaway on goodreads for the paperback.

The first is on Amazon.com and it will run from June 25th to July 1st. The price will start of at 1.99$ for 48 hours, then it will rise to 2.99$ for the next 48 hours before running at 3.99$ until the deal ends.

On Amazon.co.uk, the countdown deal starts on June 27th to end on July 3rd. The race cheers up at 0.99£, then speeds up after 48 hours to 1.99£ for 2 more days, and then cools down back to 3.57£.

What truly is in that book?

You will be excited to find out!
You will be excited to find out!

The reviews say a lot although due to the nature of my story and my ‘genes’ maybe, several people who have read it are ‘scared’ of leaving a review on the amazon. l got two other reviews on goodreads but a few said some ‘nasty’ like l still have to ‘surrender to my saviour and it must be sort of generational curse blaabla’.

Well, that’s life and l know l was ‘shameless’ in writing all that thrilling stuff without being scared of “what people would say”? Does it really matter anyway? Who really cares? How do l know? So life goes on!

In the mean time, lets see how it goes, this week may hopefully be my last week of faithful blogging up till August – stay tuned to find out why come Friday. Happy reading!

It is gratitude in another form, go get inspired and motivated, cause l don’t think l can ever say thank you enough.

Thank you very much
Thank you very much

Hurry then dear gentle readers and followers of mine and visit those online stores on the dates mentioned above. If you will rather have a signed and mailed paperback, l have henceforth added a contact page in my categories, leave a note and we will proceed from there.

Posted in Journey to Coaching, Marie's Garden

I knew all along something was wrong with me!


What's wrong with meI knew all along that something was wrong with me but l just couldn’t put my fingers on it. My life as l so honestly and shamelessly narrate in that book of mine, tells so much.

Synopsis

I have always been a jolly and extrovert person and have lived parallel lives maybe since 13 or younger. Societal norms, tradition, religion give them any name, don’t give room for ‘mental illness’ to be looked into just because some ‘fake depression’ sets in and you seem a bit ‘shaggy’.

Therefore, when l started going irrational and doing things my own ‘shaggy’ way and falling in love with a seminarian and eventually having a child with him, it didn’t ring no bell nether to me nor my mum. I continued oscillating between ‘normal and shaggy’.

Info on what's wrong

Marriage and ‘madness’ my refuge

Who gets married as a refuge? Me. Who commits adultery over and over? Me. Who talks about it shamelessly? Me. Who gets up and abandons that same marriage and three children and all? Who enjoys the company of ‘bad guys’, dates another priest, and elopes with a ‘street kid’? Me. So, if this not ‘madness’, then what is it? I leave the ‘madness’ in quotes because l am yet to get any medical diagnosis.

I remember when I will spend days and hours in bed so depressed, when I wouldn’t want my husband to touch me, when I stopped sleeping with him, when mindless of of the abuse and all l didn’t think of going to a therapist etc. I remember shutting down my facebook page and deciding leaving was my only option because nobody thought l needed help and there was so much at stake, status, honour and blabla to keep up. Yes, I may not have gone full Psyche and manic and all, but l know how l felt in there.

No diagnosis to date?

Oh yes, no diagnosis to date because, there seemed to be no need to. Lets see. Somebody told me this after reading my book :

“The roots of your challenges were spiritual.  Something within the family ancestral bloodline.  I have been told of a Cameroon tribe where the women are ancestrally cursed never to have a stable home. I am not saying yours is one of those.  But seriously, I think there’s need to break the cycle. I am pleased with your redemption.  But you need something extra. It’s not religion. It the total personal surrender to the Saviour and let rule in your heart TOTALLY.”

I don’t want to laugh hysteria or go nuts.  l just think it would make more sense that there has been no diagnosis till date because society already had one for the likes of ME. You see, that was a fellow country man talking to me like that and a few others have done that too.

I am however determined now more than ever to go see a psychiatrist therapist and all. I am out here now and have all sort of resources and support at my disposal. As for stigma, l stigmatize it.  l am proud to be a mental health patient, survivor and advocate. As for my mother, I am nothing new and she has a son with a more complicated situation to worry over.

My mission

I almost committed suicide and dropped that knife at the very last minute, no shame admitting that. However, I am much much better now and dream of becoming a personal and emotional well being coach. No longer interested in practicing law. That rings a bell right? I need to be really well and sure l am on the right path and will not sink down there again mindless of the ‘perception’.

I found out yesterday about Dysthymic disorder

Otherwise know as dysthymia. I am so grateful for all the sites l have been visiting recently and all the resources l have been reading and all what l have been doing. Sleep has for very long been a luxury and to get 5 hours in a row, it a grace. Hence, l can read and work a whole lot. I am coping now though and look forward to finding out more so as to probably help others too.

Dear gentle readers and followers of mine, this is part of my thrilling life which l share without reservation hoping it inspires and motivates YOU to dare find strength in what remains!

Posted in Marie's Garden

Why I dropped that knife!


Yes, today I am writing about suicide and WHY I DROPPED THAT KNIFE!

I held it and then dropped it!
I held it and then dropped it!

I had been living a terrible life – parallel lives l called it in my ‘in’ famous book. I was sick of being sick. I had lost my daughter the year before and four years earlier, it had been a five months miscarriage. I just felt distrustful. l though about suicide, yes it seemed a ‘good’ solution. After all, what real support did l have?

l felt l had had enough of this life!
l felt l had had enough of this life!

No guts to seek for help?

Maybe it was all my fault. I had no guts to seek for help. Maybe I only tried a little, and then shied away by having to say all the disgusting things l had been doing. Maybe it was because our system doesn’t even provide those helplines we have out here. Maybe yet again, it was that nobody around me truly cared enough than to see my smile and get the help they were so used to getting from me?

It simply was becoming too much for me to bear. I kept reaching out to the wrong people or rather l kept being noticed by the wrong people? First it was this cool … whom l thought will just help me but not take advantage of me. Oh no, he was human after all, and we both had longings we wanted satisfied too. And there was “my treasure”. Ha but he came after the suicide attempt.

The voices in my head encouraging me on

I really remember that day, it was during lent of 2009 and l was 4 months pregnant with my ‘miracle boy’. I call him ‘miracle boy’ because l still don’t know how he got in there. Sorry to say it but l guess it was one night when my husband forced his way in.

l told myself all this could be stopped and l would be doing myself and us all great favour by taking away one more miserable life from circulation. l told my baby each and every day how l was filling and how sorry l was that we may both never get to meet each other?

One good morning around 10 am, when my two other boys had gone to school, and the house was as silent as death, and it was just my baby and l, still in nightie and looking as sad, teary and sluggish as ever – l went in there and brought the knife to my room. l said what l though was a last prayer but then l dropped the knife…

What I thought of there and then

But heck, who am l really dealing with?, do l really deserve this? Does that baby really deserve this? Do l know why and for what purpose l am here on earth? Does my mother yes my first and best heroine deserve this? Hadn’t she had enough yet with an only son sick? Did my other boys deserve this? And my Father and siblings will they ever cope? No Ayo l reasoned, there surely can be strength in what remains. I thought even if l wasn’t happy with my husband, he didn’t deserve this either and neither should l give him more reason of claiming l was possessed.

And so I dropped the knife

l hear and read of a lot of suicide stories and l am currently reading a book of a mother who’s son with a bi-polar disorder, committed suicide. l thought to share my story. l hope someone reads this and drops whatever it is they have picked up or are contemplating picking. Please dear family and friends, look out for yours too because some simply don’t know how to ask for help. Surely, our society plays a role, bullying, peer pressure , domestic abuse, you name the rest.

This week ends off dear gentle readers and followers of mine, thank you so much for everything. Your comments, likes and sharing means a great deal!

Posted in Marie's Garden, My Heroines

Lady Di, my ultimate Inspiration and heroine!


The people's princess
The people’s princess

She has all sorts of names but I choose Lady Di. She still is though dead, the people’s princess. She is my ultimate inspiration for writing about my parallel lives in such brutal honesty.

I was living in far off Cameroon 17 years ago when she left this world. I remember hearing my parents and the cream of our society discuss a  fairy tale wedding of the heir to the British throne and a beautiful young ‘virgin’.

A few years later, in 1985, when my father bought our first TV, I finally got to see Lady Di on TV. I was in awe just like several of us have been.

It wasn’t all fairy in the end

Around same time, we started hearing and reading stories of how all wasn’t well in their marriage and how she said they were ‘three’ of them in there. However, I initially thought it was her bulimia that drove the prince to look else where.

A sham?

But, in 1992, with the book Diana her True Story by Andrew Morton, came some shocking revelations about the difference between perception and reality even for a princess. In her numerous interviews, a lot could be learnt. I listen to the one below over an over.

If a Princess can do that, so can you

We all know how conservative that society is, not to talk of the Royal Family right? We also all know what Lady Di had been doing to stay ‘humane’ like visiting those auspices and championing the fight against land mines.

What a befitting caption?
What a befitting caption?

Now, she braved it to lash out, to tell it all through Morton and then the Panorama Interviews. She shared her hopes, aspirations, betrayals and all. She said she also had ‘affairs’ while in there. And this is where I got it all.

I am no Princess

Who was l therefore not to relieve myself of all that internal baggage? What did I stand to lose? What happened to Lady Di after the books, reports and all were published, played and replayed? Well, in the end, some say paparazzi killed her – but hey , am no Princess and don’t ever figure paparazzi wasting their time and money behind me.

The bottom line is who we also help

The bottom line is who we also help with our story. That is how I saw it then and still do. My boys will cope just like Lady Di’s boys have done. At some point, we have to make a choice to be unconventional if only for the sake of staying sane and probably inspiring someone else.

Dear gentle Reader and followers of mine, Lady Di was my ultimate inspiration and she is my heroine. Do you have any such heroines or experiences to share too?