Hello World, It may be way too soon for me to say here comes another of those weeks, I think it is still some residual burnout jumbled up with some mood cycles spiked a few weekes ago by a higher than usual hyped calendar.
Let’s start with Insecurities
Well, something this weekend, and I mean as trival as asking for a selfie, made me face the reality that I like many others had insecurities and limitations. I have never doubted this, although I didn’t call them out as such before not ‘smile’ at anyone who ‘dared’ tell me so – if you get the gist.
So, during an event, I met someone I have admired on facebook for a while, we are a decade or so apart in age with she being a junior, but share some similarities like being staunch advocates of whatever our causes are. We also say it as it is and try to live our best. We acknowledged each other that day, appreciated our outfits, neeedless to say we were maybe the only two dressed in African prints (in a culture where fashion and trendy means competing with Beyonce hmm), but I didn’t ask for a selfie, or that we get someone to take us a picture. True each time we met and exchanged a word, there was buzzing around, but then I could still try right? Ok, at the gala my battery died down before I met her again, but maybe if I asked, her phone could have done just good right? And to think the very next day I was out there on facebook bluffing about our outfits and had no picture to show? Had only mine like I was the only chick à l’africaine you know. Insecurity period!
So, if on the same day and event I can have different encounters and behaviours, then I should either be perfectly human or not lol. Seriously, the above got me thinking. I mean I don’t fear striking conversations, why fear ask for ‘mere’ snapshots? There are other times I have asked for snapshots, so it’s not like ‘jamais fait – or never before done’. Actually, that same morning before I ran into her, I was just from making a new contact, a lady who sat a row ahead and I could feel she is on her phone ‘social networking’ just because… so I introduced myself to her and got to meet a dynamic lady who has a restaurant in my own neigbhourhood called ‘Fresh Cravings’ – guess who plans to take her guys there this weekend? So when Saraphine asked that we do a selfie, sure I smiled some mindful of the chilly room.
The simple conclusion is that I have my own insecurities, and they fluctuate based on circumstances.
Limitations I want to look at from the point of a limiting circumstance or occurence or event etc. We probably have them everywhere, right close to us, in our homes, interractions and all. I bring it up to say those limitations do not and should not make us any less human I think or grateful our lives. A small and very current example is that, since I got to the office this morning, I am struggling to find my groove to work as planned, the internet connection is frustrating and this also limits any progress (tbt there is also much I could do without the internet connection) I should have made right? But the laptop itself has been rebooted already twice too. I can choose to give up this day as is, focus on preparing my notes for lectures tonight, (like double checking them since I prepared them long ago lol) and go bitch about the day althrough the night. Will that make me feel any better and less ‘guilty’ at having wasted half the day already not really doing much? I thus fell back on writing, and this post is here.
Whenever it goes up, I will know I haven’t done what I planned this morning but I didn’t let the morning’s limitation keep me down. I also think others will be inspired and motivated by this post. I will even conclude by throwing out a question: Has anyone any insecurities and limitations they may want to share/or better still the tips on dealing with this?
That was our first time meeting together, barely 3 days after I braved it to obtain her number and call her…
I have a picture where I was captured laughing out my soul like that… It’s in my living room…
I had been thinking of reaching out to Donna over a month ago… I hadn’t read anything about her, nor even heard much about her… I had once been told we were going to be invited on a panel to discuss our books and co, but that never happened… That was last year…
Last month, I started thinking a lot about this Donna … I hadn’t even googled her up… Indeed, it only dawned on me to at least google her and see her face once she agreed we could meet yesterday … The network didn’t help and so we ended up just describing each other… Needless though because we just knew each other on sight…
Donna lives right there in Limbe… that magnetic sea side city where I finished my last memoir… Gosh Donna just told I was invited any time to occupy her second room… I brought her a copy of one my book ( the one I actually have a printed copy of), and she gave me so much more
I am in a reading frenzy currently, Cortland Pfeiffer’s Taking The Mask off, Chimamanda’s half of a yellow sun and Americana, and now Donna gave me gifts of all 4 of her books… Ok you tell me how do I sleep?
When I called Donna on Monday afternoon, her voice was just what I had been dreaming of… Indeed, when I got her number in the morning, I first prayed before deciding to call in the afternoon hoping her morning hype would have calmed down ( just pure guess work and I was once again right)… Another sign I had told myself, was going to be in her tone the way she said hello… I actually prefered she say hello and not hi… And that’s exactly what she said… And in that way which just hugs your soul…
Could it be an ‘unknown Angel’ involved here all along captain?
In Cortland’s book, he talks of synchronicity and soul contracts…
Donna and I talked that Monday afternoon for 24 good minutes… I timed that, and yesterday we just had to part due to other commitments… This morning we spoke for 12 minutes cause she is on the go, ok WhatsApp chats is not factored…
Oh my, you will definitely read more about Donna on this blog… I never felt this before or met someone like this here or anywhere else for that matter… Donna herself is amazed and so grateful I called her? Ha
Her books … (I gave up sleep and I have already read 2 of them) are so … To my spirit…
Must a soul mate be of the opposite sex and someone with whom you share much more than your soul?
Wishing us all a nice weekend… And a ‘Donna in our lives… 🙂
Hello world, today I want to share with you some reflections on the above. You know I turned 37 yesterday and that makes it seven bonus years already. Why bonus? Read this post…
When I recently wrote a post on Maya Angelou’s advice not to make someone a priority when all you were to them was an option, I equally shared how I tried to only leave that place when I had done a lot to Deal and Heal. In that instance, the greater bulk of the process took me 90 or so minutes. In other cases, that process has taken me years. Some issues are even still outstanding. Gosh, I wasn’t even so aware of Heal and Deal (or the otherway round as the case may apply) until a few years back…
So let’s look at them one after the other:
I found this definition online: tomakehealthy,whole,orsound;restoretohealth;free from ailment…
Heal yourself with love, joy, peace & compassion…
Well, just on it’s own, I think to heal is pretty easy right? The benefits are glaring and em everybody wants a ‘healthy heart’ so they live long right? If it’s physical wounds and stuff of course we can’t stand the awful ordour, or blood gushing and handicap that may arise. So we are prepared to do all it takes, go to whoever it is, to get that wound or ailment healed.
Now when it’s emotional stuff, hmm; psychological stuff, hmm hmm and on we go… The first picture at the top says it all: You can’t heal what you refuse to confront… of course even with that wound you have to look at it…
This one phrase from the various definitions of the word, caught my attention: To takeactionwithrespect to someone or something:
When something is not right, and we want to heal, we have to think of the deal involved…
I titled this post H&D or D&H and you’ll see why now.
There is an issue bugging you, and maybe you just don’t have the energy (be it emotional, psychological etc) to work to heal. You reflect on the deal (used here to mean the worth), and you decide you ain’t ready to go there… I mean a friend once told me they would have loved loving someone, but how it hurts to love and loss. They weren’t prepared to go that way again yet or even ever… they’ve sort of dealt with that issue “for now we may add”, but they have not emabarked on any healing because there’s no big deal…
And that is how I think there are situations where the healing preceded the dealing, while in other scenarios the dealing leads the healing. It may be a choice or a natural process. And yet, it sure takes and deserves time…
A couple of days ago, it took me around 90 mins to D&H an ackward situation, although I still had to brood it over with a few friends into the next day…
Since Sunday, I have embarked on a situation that’s sixteen good years old, to hopefully D&H because that’s the logical approach at this moment. I need to deal with the pain it is inflicting and am ready now more than before. Since I wasn’t the only one involved, it’s good that the other party is ready too. We can thus do some of the dealing together, although the healing is of course an individual machination. And yes I must admit it hurts… I am still crawling on that although it’s getting better by the moment…
What’s holding you back
I once watched an amazing youtube from Ms O’s Life Class
I was touched to say the least. When we don’t H&D or D&H, the pain stays there. It stays and grows, and gains proportion – intensity and much more. I mean the pain starts to Haunt you, then it Hunts you down and then it Hurts you terribly. It could someday become you, your story, your definition. People start saying: who, that angry woman? That jealous woman? That childless woman? That drunkard? That Selfish fellow? you name it…
You’ve gotta want to do that dirty homework of confronting what’s wrong. First you have to identify it, feel it, even embrace it, then deal with it in order to proceed to the healing. Other times, you may have to first position your mind to let go of the saga (heal), forgive yourself and show yourself love and all, then you can deal with it once and for all.
And there we go, with the probable causes! Glad to know I am not alone and hmm that maybe even the Queen of England was philophobic until she married her prince! The article concludes on her case thus: “Historians now believe that her condition might have arisen owing to the fact that she had seen her mother Anne Boleyn as well as her cousin executed for love. The fact that her own father was responsible for the execution might have made her believe that all romantic relationships have a tragic ending”.
Philophobia symptoms vary from individual to individual:
Some people are so afraid of love that they cannot open up to anyone. They do have committed relationships, but cannot maintain any of them.
Their well being often depends on the responses they receive from the person they love. This can keep them high strung and anxious all the time. They may be extremely possessive or, conversely, they may drive away their loved ones with their detachment.
One also experiences severe anxiety owing to the pressures of commitment: restlessness, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate, nausea, chest pains, etc are a few physical symptoms that can be attributed to Philophobia.
Panic and anxiety attacks are also common. These can be terrible since the sufferer often feels dizzy, or feels like running away, crying, shaking or sweating profusely or even feels as if s/he is fainting.
Oh my, what is all this I am learning? Why now, oh my, after all this wreck in my life? At least, I have admitted the problem and started out to find a solution. Maya Angelou advised the following which I firmly believe is worth it: “We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay — and rise!”
I therefore read with keen and pupil like attention the recommendations of my resource article on ways to face your philophobia which are unfortunately so generalistic. Anyway, it says the following: There are many ways of overcoming the fear of falling in love phobia. Self help books, talk therapy, psychotherapy, hypno-analysis, etc are a few effective methods thathave shown proven results.
There are also several online and offline forums or support-groups that can encourage an individual open up about his fears about love and commitment.
I am even very proud of myself to have finally resolved to face this fear and research about it this much. I wish my sons read this and hopefully don’t get or develop any such phobia. Anyway, they’ll probably stand a better chance of facing any problems they come across earlier than later, knowing from my experiences and works, what some of these may be. As for me, I am this day November 13th 2015, in the seaside resort city of Limbe in Cameroon, making a firm resolve to face any remnants of this fear head on and welcome my next relationship with much more optimism, courage and love than would have previously been the case. Yes I Can!!!
Philophobia‘[fear]] of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia.
The Fear of Loving
This chapter is definitely one of the most delicate, sensitive and VIP chapters in this memoir of mine to the extent that I had to getaway to write it. I currently find myself in Limbe, a famous city in Cameroon with its coast to the Atlantic ocean. I wish I could insert a video or image of the waves hitting the creeks very close to the motel I checked into! I have finally taken the example and advice of dear Maya Angelou seriously, to retreat to a motel to write, although I don’t have the items she would take along. Talking about the waves hitting against the creeks, this is making me contemplate if that’s what’s been happening in my life and relationships? Do I start loving and only find my love waves bouncing off some creeks put there inadvertently by myself or what?
I have had my fair share of relationships in this life and for my age that’s a wow. Indeed, for the sake of not sounding frivolous as Maya had once advanced as reason for not saying how many times she’d been married and divorced, I wouldn’t say the number of the relationships. I admit they are many, yep too many probably for an existence of barely a score and sixteen strokes. Today I think there was a pervasive like kind of element hovering over most of these relationships, which fear really prevented me from loving to the fullest even when and if loved in return.
Oh my, when did this thing start? What is it really so I can face it once and for all and rise above it all? I really need to do that now and not later because I am simply fed up with this thing. No sooner do I start loving, than all kinds of doubts set in and nag on and on until I terminate the relationship. Truth be told, I have been the party who has put an end to almost all the relationships I was ever involved in. Almost just because there may have been an exception I am not aware of. This ain’t funny one bit and I am definitely sick enough about it to want to face that fear once and for all. So many false emotions appearing real whenever ‘love’ is in my air, causing me to fold my stuffs up and run instead of facing it all and rising.
Why fear to love in the first place? Probably because of the fear to get hurt. I think we all agree that matters of the heart are very delicate and some people are more vulnerable and fragile than others. So, if I sensed that I was going to get hurt or maybe put in too much in the relationship and yet risk losing in the end, even if that sense was not real (which I wouldn’t know anyway), I’d rather take the closest exit and ‘cut my losses short’ as some say. I have done some research on this fear of loving and was happy to see that I wasn’t the only one having to deal with this dilemma. Indeed, this fear of mine around love, whether receiving or giving, is calledphilophobia (which I just discovered), and oh my I read that as far as unusual phobias are concerned, Philophobia certainly ranks highin the list. Source: http://www.fearof.net/fear-of-love-phobia-philophobia/
That article goes on thus: “This phobia is more common in women than in men. The condition can greatly affect one’s life to an extent that it becomes difficult to commit or form healthyrelationships”.
Philophobia is an unwarranted and an irrational fear of falling in love. Sometimes, the sufferer does fall in love but it causes an intense emotional turmoil in his/her mind. There are many theories why this could happen:
Some therapists believe that an intensely negative experience in the sufferer’s past might have triggered the reaction. Parents‘ divorce, watching them fight or separate or witnessing domestic violence in one’s childhood might be responsible for this phobia.
As stated before, many cultures and religions prohibit romantic love or term relationships between man and women as illicit under certain circumstances. This can cause intense panic in the mind of the sufferer since s/he firmly believes incurring the wrath of elders/society or God if s/he has feeling or thoughts about love.
Fear of commitment due to a few failed relationships, constant negative thoughts, anxiety and panic disorders are also linked to this phobia. People who are overly anxious or high strung might be more prone to it.
The nature, extent and causes of Philophobia all vary from case to case and sometimes it is a real mystery as to why it might have occurred in the first place… To be continued