#parentingtrenches An unmade bed makes me discover an unkept room and I use non verbal communication once more. I was stepping out for my workout and hmm the house was so ‘seemingly’ in order. They had even remembered to turn off the light in their room on a Monday morning wow. So curiosity said I should spy in there and boom: BED NOT MADE. The penalty for that used to be 200frs per person but someone risked never having money if I stuck by that.
And well, they have been trying their best. Sadly today, as I peeped in there, I saw an almost full paper basket, a cupboard unkept, two boxes not packed, and I decided to draw their attention to that in the least energy draining way possible. Non verbal communication works for me and that’s what they would see when they come back. It has been scientifically and psychologically proven that a cluttered environment has a link to a cluttered mind. I am just helping them to get that now and not later. In addition to the above, isn’t CLEANLINESS NEXT TO GODLINESS?
Make I dey go my sports o.
Have a Marvelous Monday everyone.
Dear diary, today is the 28th of February and were it not a leap year, this would have been the last day of the shortest month of the year, but one which sucked up more energy from me than January the longest did lol.
And today is no different, maybe the way it is starting off is a clear indication of how it is going to be all day. As in wow, I was up at 4 am for my serene hour in my serene space with my spirit and my God, and then at 5 am I started chasing Gaby my 3rd son to the bathroom. Uhu, at 10 I still need to chase him around some especially when the evening before he tried to negotiate not going to school today. Ha, that guy is in class 6 or would it be standard or grade 6 in some other country? He is supposed to be writing the common entrance into secondary school this summer but hahahaha that’s not such a big deal to him I guess.
Well, the chasing paid off because we did leave home at 7am. I wanted to hear from their headmaster or class teacher myself. And sure we got there and there was school and he was smiling like … Some kids do have us right???
And then I trooped to David’s school nearby too as promised. He had gotten his report card with marks entered wrongly in 3 different subjects. I mean if a child works hard and gets them marks, put that right in his score card.
And then I trooped home before remembering I had to stop by the market. Luckily it was 300 or so miles away and I could troop right back.
And at last I got back to our hood and am sorta grateful I don’t have a car (yet) because one of the trucks who ply the hood way to go collect sand from the river, just broke down hahahaha.
All in all it was an interesting morning and am looking forward to a great day. First things first, a bath again, troop to the office nearby for a 10am counseling session, a hospital visit at noon, lunch and then off to an exciting event where trooper mum is a keynote speaker HURRAY.
I could never imagine my own son could have the courage to shoplift. Here below is a write up I shared on Facebook about the devastating events
Loving him tough all the way to the police station and more (20.02.19)
Sometimes all the love you show can’t stop the child from delinquency. Tough love becomes very necessary the earlier the better.
It was thanks to another major delinquency at home, the hiding of his brother’s phone to supposedly punish the later, that everything came to light.
The chocolates he had been stealing from Carefour market (a super market not too far from home), the oufer and headset.
I had to take them to the police station this morning and write a formal complaint because this morning even after the phone was discovered thanks to its alarm, he denied taking the phone.
After the police station, I brought him with the stolen things first to Carefour Market and then to Mahima (another super market) where he stole 2 body sprays.
It is never easy especially to realize all the love and efforts you show can still have such traumatic cracks.
But, I decided to show such extreme tough love now and not later. The security head at both shops took his statement and talked to him very sternly; he is also forbidden from entering those shops again. I had to pay for all the items stolen close to 20.000frs, they didn’t put penalties because I brought him myself.
He says he was seeing his friends with goodies in school and wanted his. When he stole once and wasn’t caught he felt comfortable doing it again and again from the two supermarkets.
Lord help us parents’ especially single parents.
Sadly, when I called his dad he told me it was my cup of tea. I refuse to play the blame game nor look at where the genetic predisposition could be coming from tschuippppp. I equally refuse to care about reputation and blablabla
Some Takeaways from my son’s shoplifting saga:1) Some children do shoplift not out of lack but peer pressure 2) Some parents may cover their children up out of pride, but not me o 3) prayers work. The shop had his file ready to take to his school, they had already noticed him in his school uniform 3 times. He has shoplifted a total of 6 times in one shop and 2 times in another shop 4) Our most quiet may be the most smooth mischief 5) Sibling issues can be solved by them in the most vicious way we can imagine (cold bloodily hiding his brother’s phone out of the house under a stone, and swearing heaven and hell he knows nothing about the whereabouts of the phone) 6) Thant I indeed love him unconditionally 7) That some still care even if you don’t talk all year round, I was so moved and feel so blessed o Amen
All is well now, I mean that same evening we all gathered for our healing circle and the matter was laid to rest as we broke bread together to put it so.
I used to wonder as a child, why one parent beat me up so often and even ‘mercilessly’, while the other had discussions with me especially when I did something they or everyone was not so proud of. The only time this other parent gave me a total of 8 lashes, was when I broke the TV set (unintentionally of course – but then again…) back in 1985 when TVs especially in my country cameroon in West Africa, were still a big thing. Back then, TVs slept in your parents’ room or were locked up in an iron cage in the living room for fear of robbers. I used to wonder if this other parent who would use phrases such as ‘I will skin you alive’, thought of the adverse childhood experiences that trauma could and indeed has come to have in my life today. My relationship with this parent is still strained today although we are on terms with that past (I have long made my peace with all of that); that with the other parent has survived and it is still on discussions’ level especially when there is any issue at stake.
With the above example from my own life, I want to look at the possibility of a violence free world if we become aware of what we get when we are violent in anyway. Was it worth it all those violent outbursts of anger and relay of frustrations on the kid I was and was just trying to be? What was achieved if anything at all? What is the consequences today, not only on our relationship but on the other ones we have with others?
I will again be candid here, intending to spark serious reflections into the imperative need to commit to a world free of violence starting right there in our home and not on the streets or in conferences.
The first answer to my own rhetoric question is no; no it was worth the ‘skinning me alive’ – all that made me more rebellious and ‘difficult’ to handle. I recall today I would just dissociate at some point and one day ended up collapsing and only found myself in bed all embalmed. I wish I could say that was the last time I was violated and abused as a child. What could be achieved after such violence? Hate, loathing, spite, urge for revenge whichever way possible, more rebellion and the list goes on. But, we have I must admit, a two side coined consequence. I emphasize on this ‘two side’ because it could have been a single consequence: ‘More violence’ even if only subtle say non communications or outbursts of rage and tantrums into adulthood and ruined relationships. But, in my case, I am happy to say while the relationship with parent took big hits and is still on its way to recoveryville, I decided long ago I wasn’t going to ever ‘skin any child alive’. Indeed, my 4 sons know I don’t do beatings, I hold discussions or find alternative ways of dealing with what issue comes up.
I couldn’t some how for the sanity of me ever understand why one parents had to ‘hate’ me so to find violence the only or best way possible to call me to order, which one I still don’t know since it would appear even up till date they still think I am ‘a lost case’ needing some further call to order.
Violence does not necessarily result only in violence; indeed it leads very often to worst case scenarios. Lives may be lost completely, or to a mental health disorder, relationships may be forever ruined, the children may grow up so volatile they become easy preys for gangs, armed rebellion, drugs and debauchery, in short any and all things contrary to what must have ever been foreseen in the beginning. Girls may grow up so insecure and fall prey to abusive relationships, unwanted pregnancies or further gender based violence. What kind of mothers and parents/partners can they be expected to become or replicate?
Non violence is possible. I enrolled in an online course on non-violent communication last year and it was such a turning point. When one of my sons was ‘mercilessly’ spanked by a teacher in school because as a 9 year active child he wasn’t expected to be talking in class when bored, I opted for non-violent but firm communication until the issue was resolved to my satisfaction. The teacher met with the dean of studies and myself, we reviewed what happened and why, we looked at alternative ways all that could have been handled, we appreciated the issue currently at stake and the consequences if I pressed charges both with the school administration and the national delegation of education, and he made all amends as tabled including apologizing to my son and his classmates. I organized a talk and he shared our experience in a light manner, encouraging his colleagues not to resort to violence in school again.
That is the commitment I am talking about. It is possible, we have to give it a chance; It however has to start from the ‘grass roots’ that is from our own homes. In my neighbourhood, I am known as the ‘lawyer of children’. When I moved in here in 2016, one particular neighbour made me have violent flashbacks because they were always on their 4 year old ‘skinning the poor child alive’. One day, I refused to ‘mind my business’, and stormed to their gate hitting same with so much anger in me. When they finally opened up, I told them I was calling the commissioner of police for our area because they had no right to beat up a child like that (it mattered not if it were their child as they initially insisted). Their spouse probably tired by then to make any attempt at getting the beating to stop, just watched as our ‘drama unfolded’. Anyway, my involvement put an end to those beatings and the news spread in the neighbourhood like a wild fire – even spouses ever on each other’s neck started reviewing all that thereafter.
I don’t beat and all the other kids especially the young girls who are still sadly over laden with the chores more than the boys, love playing in my compound or just being around me, especially those termed ‘difficult’. I hold neighbourhood gatherings as part of activities of my association Hope for the Abused and the Battered, as well the other one I am involved in as Secretary General called Ripples of love – a name I am proud to say I chose.
Love is all we need; love is what we get when we sow love and not violence; a violence free world is possible let’s all commit to giving it a chance and be the hope for the world we want. Let’s have discussions on the table and not use our hands, whips or guns.
I am doing a fundraising campaign to open a mental health care support center for my association Hope for the Abused and Battered. If you can donate or share the campaign, please do. Attached is the budget in PDF, who knows where a funder or partner can be found?
Hello world, lat week Friday my son Gaby got abused in school by one of their teachers. I mean real one until lad got blisters and I had to take him to the hospital.
So, the mama bear I am and of course the advocate I am, took this up seriously and got what I wanted from the school+teacher concerned. I did a Facebook live video here to share that.
School shouldn’t be scary and neither should our homes. I hope teachers stop beating and abusing children, and I insisted that teacher talk with my son and all the class telling them he was sorry. Gaby told me that day the teacher did and told Gaby he was now going to keep an eye on him lol.
I also advocate that we parents step up our responsibilities towards our children. They are growing up, and someday we wouldn’t have them as children again – but adults and parents too why not. What would we have taught them and shown them by example? I know I am trying my best, I have put a lot on hold to make time for them, especially for Gaby whom I left when he wasn’t even 2 years old. He said in one of my live videos he was sad when I left – and to think we spent 4 good years living away from each other while I strove in my different wildernesses?
Maybe this is also why I am such a Mother Bear after all hahaha
Happy midweek everyone