Watch “Day 87: My relationships as a source of emotional food for my heart” on YouTube

Are your relationships – bigger pause on friendships & romantic relationships; a source of healthy emotional food or toxic ones which can cause you serious heart burn and more?
Hmmmmm, this was a good one for me to muse on. Indeed my 9th book released last December is an autopsy of my parcours in this domain and my resolves.
Help me papa to be so sensitive and discerning and help all others who need your Grace in this area of their lives too in Jesus’Mighty Name AMEN OOOOOOOO. Min MAG


My book FREE for 5 days starting tomorrow


This is my most vulnerably written book, MAG at her most authentic. The bug took me by suprise but the writing wasn’t hard once I surrendered to the hope that this book inspires, motivates and encourages someone out there. I am just every other human being and woman.

Posted in Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy, My Memoirs

Ahead of my 38th Birthday: My Gift to You with gratitude

I got the best photgrapher for this one


Hello World,

The above pictures show a now, and all the years back … I love them both. In the meantime, what has that lady done with her life so much that she can offer you a gift of it? She has made several interesting twists and turns leading to discoveries which made her loathe herself more before finally loving herself whole. It is one of the memoirs in which I record some of my greatest fears in life and how I have learnt to face them throughout the years thanks in large part to life’s lessons and my shaggy self, which I am offering to you.

What’s the Worst Case Scenario…

From the 18th of January – my birthday, to the 22nd of January, my fourth and toughest memoir to write, will be free on amazon kindle. I bet you it’ll make a good read. I also hope it’ll convey my gratitude to you all who have in one way or the other impacted me on my earthly journey. It also in total gratitude to my Almighty Father and Mother Nature, that I keep writing and sharing and appreciating and reading and loving and living. I once asked how many times one outght to say thank you, glad I got no answers for I know I’ll always do love saying thank you over and again.

So, without much ado, get your free kindle apps and get set to download this modest gift of mine to you. Tell your friends and family who may be interested in reading such a memoir, it’s also my modest contribution to mental health advocacy – shaming the stigma to be candid.

I know many people wish me well, I wish someone who reads this will go out of their way to honestly tell me what they think about it… it could generously be via a review on the amazon (such a big gift for me), or even here on my blog; whichever suits you. All I really want to say by this post and gesture is THANK YOU – because saying that has never gotten any ackward for me 🙂

Posted in Marie's Garden, Media Gallery, My Memoirs

All four are free for four days…

What’s the Worst Case Scenario…

Dear World, starting from my most recent publication above, to my Mea Culpa below:

My Unconventional Loves...
My Mea Culpa

Or wadding through my literary garden reading my brother’s journey :

or my resilience journey: all will be free for four days on kindle amazon.

Get your free kinlde appps; for those who don’t even know how to go about it, you need to download those apps before you can read any e-book On.

I leave us all with this excerpt from the afterword of my fourth memoir:

In my writings, I have come to transcend boundaries to the me I thought was long ‘dead’. That little troubled but hyper kid nicknamed ayo, that turbulent teenager fondly called by some ‘ayobebe’, ‘radicaux’, ‘zam zam’, that battered, tattered but not shattered woman and wife, that ‘guilt stricken‘ mother, that transformed young, dynamic, disciplined and dedicated lady with a new ‘soif’ for life. If I didn’t start writing my journeys down, starting with that first and most unconventional work in which I never spared my reputation even for a second, I wouldn’t be at the stage I am today. I mean seriously, I feel good. At my age, it’s one of those marvels and several people tell me I am very lucky.

From the 18th to the 21st of January 2016, get them four for free 🙂 Share this with all your networks, reading is so therapeutic too and it has taken me roaming and roving over and again 🙂

Thank you very much
Thank you very much

I now head off to the magical city of Kribi, had to be for a colleague’s wedding but am deviating to a me-treat ahead of my b-day. Kribi here I come, people see you on Monday 🙂

Warming up for Hawaii and the carribeans for my big 4 - if I get there :)
Warming up for Hawaii and the carribeans for my big 4 – if I get there 🙂




Posted in Marie's Garden, Mental Health Advocacy, My Memoirs

The Fear of Being Loved… WCS… Chapter 5

What’s the Worst Case Scenario…

Who in their ‘right’ senses and emotions fears being loved? What is wrong with me that I would so long to be loved and yet end up often running away from this ‘love’? Could it be it was real? Why am I not so entertaining when some gentleman comes along and probably with a deep inhale starts to talk to me about ‘love’. Oh now I remember! I have several times thought it’s probably a spam, scam or mere spark. And yes, as much as a child seeks for attention and love, so too do they fear rejection and reproach. Maybe, it all started in my own childhood too, you know. Let me give it a glance.
In my previous memoirs, I have described the childhood and relationship I had with my parents. Each of them in their own respect. I know I was equally a difficult child, or so it is said. But what I know for sure, is that what I most longed for, I never got. I longed to be loved and not just looked at. I longed to be nurtured and not just noticed. I longed to be led and not just laughed at. I longed for a real relationship with either of them and not just be the receiver of so much unsolicited pampering or reproaches. I truly longed to be supported in my ‘difficult’ development and not just spanked to get it straight.
What I honestly think I got, was what probably the parent in question, given their own circumstances and probably childhood, did give. I reproach none of them any longer, no I have since moved on. Being a mother now, I try so hard to give all of what I missed to my boys, or to dialogue with them and get them trust me enough to open up to me. Yet, I have to explore this area of my life because I still feel the fear of being loved, because the ‘love’ I had before was so painful, has had such repercussions in my life and is still threatening to.
I grew up in a context and society where the norm was that ‘children were to be seen and not heard’. What do you have to say anyway, especially when adults who know it all are talking and making decisions probably even concerning you? What were your needs as a child? Simple there according to that context! You needed to be fed, to sleep, to dress up, to go to school and yes to church or wherever you were told to go, or taken along. Imagine what a difficult thing that was for ‘extroverts’ like me who could talk and ask all sorts of questions enough to become annoying and outright unruly. I am sure mum was overwhelmed, while dad thought trying his best to buy all those stuffs was good enough. And the gist is, some parents today still see it was best that way. For me, that context was devoid of ‘realness’ in that the parent-child relationship as such could be more out of moral, cultural, religious and otherwise obligation and fear, than love.
The irony about this chapter is that I am starting it just as someone is trying to ‘come into my life’ again. I don’t even know what to say or do. I just hope by the end of this chapter, I would have faced some of those stuffs deep within me which have pushed me to Fold Everything And Run one too many times. I want to be able to Face Everything And Rise when any love like gentleman comes along. I have to trust my instincts and reasons, not my emotions on their spur of a moment. And if it turns out to be a spam, scam or spark, I will try not to close that gate again, but rise and thrive. After all, so far so good to the extend that I who was once Battered, and tattered, fought hard enough not to be Shattered…
Dear World, such are the mussings and matters in this other memoir of mine.
Get your Kindle ready, the Bonanza runs from the 18th of January to the 21st. A day sort of for each book… that’s my birthday gift to us all with so much gratitude…

Thank you
Gratitude all the way

Posted in Marie's Garden, My Memoirs

The Fear of Loving: Philophobia – Chapter six of WCS… Part 2

  1. What's the Worst Case Scenario...
    What’s the Worst Case Scenario…

    And there we go, with the probable causes! Glad to know I am not alone and hmm that maybe even the Queen of England was philophobic until she married her prince! The article concludes on her case thus: “Historians now believe that her condition might have arisen owing to the fact that she had seen her mother Anne Boleyn as well as her cousin executed for love. The fact that her own father was responsible for the execution might have made her believe that all romantic relationships have a tragic ending”.

    Philophobia symptoms vary from individual to individual:

  • Some people are so afraid of love that they cannot open up to anyone. They do have committed relationships, but cannot maintain any of them.

  • Their well being often depends on the responses they receive from the person they love. This can keep them high strung and anxious all the time. They may be extremely possessive or, conversely, they may drive away their loved ones with their detachment.

  • One also experiences severe anxiety owing to the pressures of commitment: restlessness, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate, nausea, chest pains, etc are a few physical symptoms that can be attributed to Philophobia.

  • Panic and anxiety attacks are also common. These can be terrible since the sufferer often feels dizzy, or feels like running away, crying, shaking or sweating profusely or even feels as if s/he is fainting.

    Oh my, what is all this I am learning? Why now, oh my, after all this wreck in my life? At least, I have admitted the problem and started out to find a solution. Maya Angelou advised the following which I firmly believe is worth it: “We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay — and rise!”

    I therefore read with keen and pupil like attention the recommendations of my resource article on ways to face your philophobia which are unfortunately so generalistic. Anyway, it says the following: There are many ways of overcoming the fear of falling in love phobia. Self help books, talk therapy, psychotherapy, hypno-analysis, etc are a few effective methods that have shown proven results.

    There are also several online and offline forums or support-groups that can encourage an individual open up about his fears about love and commitment.

    I am even very proud of myself to have finally resolved to face this fear and research about it this much. I wish my sons read this and hopefully don’t get or develop any such phobia. Anyway, they’ll probably stand a better chance of facing any problems they come across earlier than later, knowing from my experiences and works, what some of these may be. As for me, I am this day November 13th 2015, in the seaside resort city of Limbe in Cameroon, making a firm resolve to face any remnants of this fear head on and welcome my next relationship with much more optimism, courage and love than would have previously been the case. Yes I Can!!!

Posted in Marie's Garden, My Memoirs

The Fear of Loving: Philophobia – Chapter six of WCS… Part 1

Walking the Talk, unravelling the me within in the process
Walking the Talk, unravelling the me within in the process

Philophobia‘[fear]] of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia.


The Fear of Loving

This chapter is definitely one of the most delicate, sensitive and VIP chapters in this memoir of mine to the extent that I had to getaway to write it. I currently find myself in Limbe, a famous city in Cameroon with its coast to the Atlantic ocean. I wish I could insert a video or image of the waves hitting the creeks very close to the motel I checked into! I have finally taken the example and advice of dear Maya Angelou seriously, to retreat to a motel to write, although I don’t have the items she would take along. Talking about the waves hitting against the creeks, this is making me contemplate if that’s what’s been happening in my life and relationships? Do I start loving and only find my love waves bouncing off some creeks put there inadvertently by myself or what?

  1. I have had my fair share of relationships in this life and for my age that’s a wow. Indeed, for the sake of not sounding frivolous as Maya had once advanced as reason for not saying how many times she’d been married and divorced, I wouldn’t say the number of the relationships. I admit they are many, yep too many probably for an existence of barely a score and sixteen strokes. Today I think there was a pervasive like kind of element hovering over most of these relationships, which fear really prevented me from loving to the fullest even when and if loved in return.

  2. Oh my, when did this thing start? What is it really so I can face it once and for all and rise above it all? I really need to do that now and not later because I am simply fed up with this thing. No sooner do I start loving, than all kinds of doubts set in and nag on and on until I terminate the relationship. Truth be told, I have been the party who has put an end to almost all the relationships I was ever involved in. Almost just because there may have been an exception I am not aware of. This ain’t funny one bit and I am definitely sick enough about it to want to face that fear once and for all. So many false emotions appearing real whenever ‘love’ is in my air, causing me to fold my stuffs up and run instead of facing it all and rising.

  3. Why fear to love in the first place? Probably because of the fear to get hurt. I think we all agree that matters of the heart are very delicate and some people are more vulnerable and fragile than others. So, if I sensed that I was going to get hurt or maybe put in too much in the relationship and yet risk losing in the end, even if that sense was not real (which I wouldn’t know anyway), I’d rather take the closest exit and ‘cut my losses short’ as some say. I have done some research on this fear of loving and was happy to see that I wasn’t the only one having to deal with this dilemma. Indeed, this fear of mine around love, whether receiving or giving, is called philophobia (which I just discovered), and oh my I read that as far as unusual phobias are concerned, Philophobia certainly ranks high in the list. Source:

  4. That article goes on thus: “This phobia is more common in women than in men. The condition can greatly affect one’s life to an extent that it becomes difficult to commit or form healthy relationships”.

  5. Philophobia is an unwarranted and an irrational fear of falling in love. Sometimes, the sufferer does fall in love but it causes an intense emotional turmoil in his/her mind. There are many theories why this could happen:

  • Some therapists believe that an intensely negative experience in the sufferer’s past might have triggered the reaction. Parents divorce, watching them fight or separate or witnessing domestic violence in one’s childhood might be responsible for this phobia.
  • As stated before, many cultures and religions prohibit romantic love or term relationships between man and women as illicit under certain circumstances. This can cause intense panic in the mind of the sufferer since s/he firmly believes incurring the wrath of elders/society or God if s/he has feeling or thoughts about love.

  • Fear of commitment due to a few failed relationships, constant negative thoughts, anxiety and panic disorders are also linked to this phobia. People who are overly anxious or high strung might be more prone to it.

The nature, extent and causes of Philophobia all vary from case to case and sometimes it is a real mystery as to why it might have occurred in the first place… To be continued