The awesome birthday gift my body gave to me…ever so grateful


Yesterday was my birthday and I have had a worrisome RA flare since tuesday which left me bed grounded. I negotiated with my body that we even up and around a bit on my birthday. I managed to do a 15 mins mild workout to thank the universe for my mind and body, and then made breakfast and lunch before going into town for some groceries. After school, the boys and I went to the Fun Centre as had been planned since sept 2017, so they could play bowling and other games. We shared a large Pizza and some water for the ocassion, and we all returned home happy and grateful. Am still in bed today, though I was once more able to make breakfast and a quick rice lunch for them. I am so so grateful to my body for this invaluable gift, and for all the goodwill messages. One of the meditation books I use talked of being grateful for our bodies. I always have been sinve my awakening in 2010. Take care of your bodies dear all, have a soul relationship with them, that way you can listen and talk to each other with love. Any pain at that time is a lesson to be treasured. Happy weekend all, just wanted to share this before having a nap. Looking forward to more restored health

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 9 soul wishes I have on my 39th Birthday are…


More than any birthday wishes or gifts; reading and reflecting on this post will bring me such joy and appreciation for your time

  1. That my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) be as visible as my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis);
  2. That when my head spins like a carousel making it hard to think and act normal, it attracts as much sympathy and why not empathy, just like when my joints ache and my knee cap swells making it hard to walk;
  3. That when the inflammations from the RA make me writhe in pain and am more nervous, agitated and weird, it be just understood as the natural consequence of the physical pain without any allusion to my PTSD;
  4. That when I need to rest or stay away and just be alone doing my thing,  even if I should normally be functional and ‘acting normal’, it will not be construed as having an attitude;
  5. That whether on any meds or not, that should not determine/grossly affect my state of health, wellbeing nor feeling of belonging;
  6. That my sons grow to not distinguish between my conditions but get it that I need to rest and recuperate either condition;
  7. That my sons shun from stigmatizing anyone be it in our extended family or not, who may be struggling with any condition be it physical or mental;
  8. That any friends am making henceforth know like the few I still have that I have both a physical and mental illness, that am not defined by any of them, but that I don’t tolerate any stigma of my person nor of any person living with either illness or health conditions;
  9. That I always remember to be grateful for all I have lived and currently live, and especially that I didn’t commit suicide as attempted February 2009 when I thought that was the best solution to my then miserable existence…

  I have but 9 wishes, because the other 30 slot years of my life have oh been so graciously filled with so much to be grateful for… It is only getting better and I thank my angels and Guardian Angel for my family and my dear ‘e-family’ from whom I have learned so much and with whom I share so much.

P.s: The irony this year is, I wrote this post on Monday 15th and had an RA flareup on Tuesday 16th and was bed grounded on Wednesday 17th January. The get well soon messages on different mediums made me reflect if I had blogged about suffering a mental meltdown.

Anyways; Here is a recap of some of  my previous birthday posts since the great redemption. I was born on a Thursday too so it feels special special lol 

2015 Year of Redemption;

2016 Year of Love (was sick and on a 3 weeks blogging break-although I got a surprise birthday cake from the host of a TV Show I was guest on – that was so touching) 37th-birthday ;

2017 year of Gratitude

My birthday Vlog of that very painful 2014 (When I lost my only brother Gabriel and near lost all my mind) still holds today. Hope the message resonates

The last time I had an RA crisis this tough was in Belgium: Grateful mindful of the pain


Dear all, am in bed and dreading movement other than the barest minimum. Will be taking an anti-inflammatory to supplement the natural therapy am on (been taking ginger, garlic, turmeric, lemon and honey in warm water). Also have a cold and maybe all that mix and stress of last few weeks just made my articulations cry fowl – I think Calcium supplements will help especially with the all the acidity am getting from the lemon and ginger.

The last time any crisis this tough or even tougher, was in Belgium 2014. I even had to go for physiotherapy.

Yesterday I did go to work but by 4pm started feeling like I was in a real ‘shith…’. I called my Guardian Angel to the rescue because I couldn’t even walk, see well, even speech which was returning good started to dwindle again, with clogged nostrils poor me.

Am grateful for my boys. David the second came and picked up from the road and helped me limp home (a painful distance of say 10 mins from the main road, down hill – so we braved this in 20 mins with 3 breaks for air). Alain the first massaged my knee caps and legs, Gaby the last slept with me to be the Arch Angel he is.

So here we go again, on the eve of my birthday, Rheumatoid Arthritis sends a present. I wouldn’t reject, I will embrace the day home and note lessons from the pain. My mind also needs the rest definitely.

Thank you all – still grateful I can type

An Awesome Blogger Award for an Awesome week


How Awesome is this to kick off my Birthday week?

The Awesome Blogger Award:

“This is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”

Created by Miss Maggie @ Dreaming of Guatemala

The rules are:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you
  2. Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader
  3. Answer the questions your nominator gave you
  4. Nominate at least 5 awesome bloggers
  5. Give your nominees 10 new questions to answer
  6. Let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated.

Hmm, the 1-3 above I can ‘obey’, but the 4-6 nope not at this age and reality.

Nevertheless, I was awesomely thrilled to read Heidi’s post and get to this:

The Blogs and awesome Bloggers I am nominating for the Awesome Blogger Award are:

  1. www.marieabanga.wordpress.com

I don’t know if anyone else gets the thrill, but she not only nominated me for an award, I was the first on her list. Come on, with all the thousands blogs around and the hundreds of miles seperating us physically, and then she still chose me first, be it flattery – Idk, am so happy. Thank you very much dearest Heidi Sullivan-Inyama of Braving Mental Illness

I love awards because they motivate big time. The make you blush and you know you are really appreciated. This is why I also try to accept each nomination with a blog post. I used to be a newbee blogger and was super excited to get an award and pass it on. I wouldn’t want to spoil that excitement for another newbee. Secundo, this week is my birthday week. Precisely on the 18th of January I turn 39. Oh how awesome! 8 bonus years and so much more since that fateful day in 2009. Enough of that melancho-nostalga f I could use such an expression. Straight to the rules of the award now shall we? So here is what Heidi adds after the nominaton:

These blogs are genuine, educational, witty, and creative.  Their stories are inspirational and provide an exponential amount of hope and courage for those dealing with challenges.  Sometimes challenges appear to be insurmountable, but with the right support and encouragement, you can overcome them.  These blogs provide that sense of faith.

My questions for the nominees are:

  1. What is your favorite flavour of ice cream? Ans: Chocolate or Vanila depending on my mood. I actually had some shortly after answering your questions lol.
  2. How has your blogging changed your life? Ans: I now have that which I call my invaluable e-family. In a post of mine, I said they were the awesome family I chose for myself. It has been worth every dust of Gold.
  3. In a few words, what would you say to come who is struggling with thoughts of suicide? Ans: Watch the thoughts sleazy through and know you musn’t act on them because you deserve your full shot at life. There is help available and you are worthy irrespective of now…
  4. Has it been difficult for you to share your story or challenges to the world? Ans: Yes it has been difficult but once I opened Pandora’s box in 2012 and started writting my first memoir, the saying “Hell knows no furry like a woman scorned “paled in comparison
  5. Do you have any regrets? Ans: Lesson learnt maybe, I should have started blogging earlier…
  6. What is your favorite song and why? Ans: Life, Oh Life, by Des’ Ree – because I sometimes can be consoled only by those lines…
  7. If you could vacation anywhere, where would you go? Ans: Hawaii
  8. What is your favorite color? Ans: Got two can’t chose one; Lemon Green and Purple
  9. What is your definition of beauty? To be candid, the Me I have become is my definition of beauty…so let’s say the real, pure, authentic something is beauty to me
  10. What is the happiest moment in your life you can remember? Ans: When I dropped the knife because I felt in me I was going to survive and thrive from then on – I didn’t know how yet nor when, but I felt that inner peace and happiness in the same environment I had felt damned just a while before.

Oh my, dear Inyama over at https://bravingmentalillness.com, with just a soulful tagline:

Inspiring Hope, Courage, & Strength One Life at a Time

You may not know because well this may just be one too many awards am getting, but this is the most soulful and am so so grateful for this. I wish I could pass it on but my generation of bloggers are mainly awards free peeps. Your questions seemingly innocent got me soul searching all over again. Hope you are cool with my answers.

Wishing us all an awesome week

 

Walking My Fine Thin Rope with Grace


Thin rope walker

Oh – Hail me silently

Lest your murmurs, distract from my goal

That of walking with balance

The fine thin rope of my life

I jigsaw emotionally and mentally

Before stepping on my fine thin rope

Victory is not my ambition

Loving each parent is my heart’s desire

And my siblings of course

As for my sons

I let them know with their rising suns

That my lot in life has been thick and thin

Fine, not so Fine and Finer

It takes a lot of practice and peserverance

Sizing up and sizing down

Giving and receiving 

to and from all including

From fellow fine thin rope walkers

Fortunately my boots are freely given

The Master himself ordaineth

Awareness and forgiveness and Grace

Of course some self love in abundance

And for the world out of his bountiful barn

All that helps my indefinite walk

On this fine thin rope of my life

With Gratitude and Grace

 

p.s: Concluding one of my most meh cum yum yum weeks so far lol. I have yawned this week more than in the last months of 2017 I must confess. Currently yawning even

Have an awesome weekend everyone, looking forward to spending saturday with my first grandson (can you believe that) 

 and then some awesome awards are on the way – all so awesome yeah!!!

Behind the Scenes


I watched them set their tools up

In horror because it was a prima

I have heard tales of behind the scenes

How some faces were poked and poked

Brows pulled and pulled

And all shades of colours

Tried on your scary face

Hoping to turn you

Into maybe another masquerade

And I relunctantly sat

And prayed and prayed

That they be quick and quick

For it was never my thing

To go behind any scenes

Makeup for me was once a fun time

Trying out myself to test my know-how

The mildest was my most cherished

But I despised the time and risks

So I gave it up all

Preferred to admire on others

Who took the time and love to sit down

This time my sibling begged

A family portrait of all girls

Makeup would enhance she said

Finally I did give in


And chuckled at all the fuss

how most scary or pretty I looked or felt

All the dynamics and gymnastics

Going on behind the scenes

3 good hours of turn left and right

And we got the portraits of our life

P.s: A thrilling life indeed I got. Finally ‘trapped’ by Anyi Asonganyi aka Ozi International/my cousin and best young makeup artist in Cameroon 2017, and there we go for a family portrait. Mum and my elder sister got what we call ‘one kind’ and that was cool. I braved it and was proud of myself – my brother’s banner in the background made it all so wonderful for me. Never say never nor make light of any one’s occupation

Great experiences this past week with Insomnia, loss of speech and co


The trip to the village reading me some to cheer my journey

A) I lost my grandma and her burial was this weekend in fontem- Anglophone Cameroon hence no network while I was there. I lost my voice somehow and here are 4 inspiring takeaways from that:

1) Always be grateful for the miracle of life, of sight, of speech, of hearing, of walking etc. When you lose any, you can then know what those in similar situations are going thru

2) Appreciate the virtue that is silence. Silence whether intentional or unintentional, if appreciated opens you up to good meditation, observation and enhances your listening skills. When silent, you learn just so much.

3) In everything give thanks and keep a cheerful attitude. I learnt small to make gestures and write some more, I got some more loving from my family especially mum who bought me a bucket of ginger, garlic and lemon lol to be mixing daily until the voice returned. I ate just one small ginger last night and the voice is returning…

4) No condition is permanent here below…we are all on a journey. Even the blind man gets better once he by feeling accepts and adapts to his condition knowing even that is not permanent. When we die, all those disabilities and etc die too. And this is why, I have embraced my hearing deficiency with Grace.

B) And yes, before that, I blogged here near daily of my struggle with insomnia. Indeed, a friend had to stake his money on me to let me know he had confidence I was up to the challenge. Ha, so this is how that ended: After Granny was burried, I told her now in meditation that I had not been able to sleep right for the past days but that I really needed to sleep starting from that day which was a Saturday. And guess what: I went to bed at 8.30 pm and woke up at my normal 4 am. I decided to monitor my sleep again last night, this time we were back to Douala at my mum’s.

I went into Granny’s room and lit a candle and I told her I wished to sleep in her bed. I put on the nightie she had on the day she died ( uh huh daring right?), and I told Insomnia aloud, dare show up – you know I don’t fear sleeping in Granny’s bed wearing her nightie. Oh boy did I sleep so sound. From 9 pm to 4 am as routine. 

And that’s it, I beat insomnia without drinking Camomile after all. I was a worried when I first lost sleep last Tuesday , and some advised I go see a doctor. I followed my intuition which urged me to wait it out a week first. I put all my faith in that, and saw a therapist for psychological help with that wait. It was worth its wait in Gold.

The lesson I get here is that sometimes patience is so vital, identifying the source and not just treating the symptom is also vital. Finally, having a positive and grateful attitude and sourcing alternatives and not just looking for a magic pill is also worth it.

After the burial I took a motor bike to go down to dad’s which is like 30/45 mins away

C) Does the above picture say it all or what?  Dad has been telling her friends stuffs and three of them thanked me for taking care of their friend lol. I am just showing him ( the only dad I have anyway) some love while he is still around.  Wouldn’t want to write my feelings in a mass and tribute booklet if I couldn’t show them to him while he lived.

With the above, I wish us all be inspired and motivated to have a great day and week.

Insomnia I’ll wait you out


I am so happy to receive this today of all days

Dear Insomnia

You may seem to record a small victory today

Am up since 10:53 having slept dutifuly by 9.15 pm

I don’t know for how long we’ll stay awake today

Yesterday we admired each other for 3 hours 

Then I got a 5th hour of sleep

I near blew my trumpet then

Not knowing you were taking note

Changing strategy and re-strategizing

Increasing the AC temp until I can’t

I have to decamp to a lonely corner

Nah you wouldn’t let me be

Repeat of August 2014

When my darling Gaby went on

This time I know better

I wouldn’t only spy on you like a hawk

I will wait you out with camomile

First thing tomorrow morning 

I get myself that and more

You aint having any final word

See what I got from Diane in the picture?

But ugly and mean you

With nothing to offer but mind muggles

Plus body bashing head, eyes, back

I give you three more days

To try your best and leave

Because dear Insomnia

I am ready to wait you out

Spying On each other like hawks


We spy on each other like hawks

Preying and praying to make the first catch

We circle around each other’s psychic

We seem to know each other intimate

I need her up with me he goes

I need him down with me I go

From 11:11 last night to 1:48 tonight

The involuntary vigil start hours have improved

From a mere 2 hours of sleep last night

To a big 4 hours of sleep this night

That’s some progress worth logging

Hope the mono-vigil don’t last so long

Got to wake at 4 for meditation

Not that am asleep as I write

For he nags me to write for some respite

Don’t want to be friends with him for real

Even if the dang AC is on for a change

I don’t do well with that either

May as well go fix me some hot cocoa

I’ll be back to keep watch

We’ll spy on each other like hawks 

Any time anywhere

This too are born of some

Not funny dynamics & gymnastics

Preying and praying to make the first catch

P.s: from a very terrified me last night to a serene me this night. I watch this seemingly natural occurrence, where in the midst of change of routine, grief and some more, sleep is affected and it’s ok to watch the process. Maybe taming it with some hot cocoa and writing can help for real.

Dynamics & Gymnastics


To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

I need to let you in

To the dynamics & gymnastics

That troll your friend

And can make/mar her life

To be forewarned is to be forearmed!!!

Dear old or new friend

The dynamics & gymnastics

Are from external & internal

Forces I can & can’t control

Maybe you heard about dem words

Used in physics or logic

Schools or sports

Think of a body & mind 

In their place

Then imagine how they go

Dynamics & gymnastics

This way & that way

Peace & please

Act up or shut up

To be forewarned is to be forearmed


P.s: poem written at 1.20 am – been thrashing aroumd simce 11:11 pm. Ome of those nights where dynamics & gymnastics are in place. Trolling me around. But am braving this because I have braved some before. I can at least identify some issues and will see my therapist during the day before I go to mum’s ahead of granny’s fumeral.

Scheduling this poem just because the respite I think is in the writing it and not the clicking publish

Wishing us all the best 

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