Do you know thyself? Are you true to thyself?

So glad to be in my current serene space inside out

Hello all, am back to bloggerville after a ‘supposedly two weeks of…staycation’ – vacation didn’t finally work out but I did relax some and really got to study me some more. My first post after two weeks could only be centered around what I learned about myself, and really wish to share same in order to inspire and motivate others in their own quest  to learning more about themselves and living their truth…

We have probably heard this phrase thrown at us once in a while right? Some sage or elder advice to be true to thy own self. Now I used to think, that just meant running my mouth all over the place saying what I wanted, thought, and looked forward to about all and sundry, and doing pretty much the same… ah some stuffs stubborn teenage years can get one think and do?

I have finally come to know who I am and what my purpose is, I have grown spiritually no doubt, but I didn’t have the full picture of me until recently like 7/8 days ago – although I had sometime ago come up with my own self-definition. And guess where that all sunk in – in the Loo of all places – inshort the Loo has been crowned my ‘spiritual haven’ – and no, mine doesn’t smell because there are scented candles in there and co to make and keep it cozy.

So, because I needed to know all what I was made up off like what I really like, need and expect of myself so as to truly live my purpose and truth, I sought this by doing great introspection and paying attention to what people said and didn’t say in our interactions, how they behaved, how I also behaved and how I related to/in my whole realm.

The following are some 5 facts I can package about myself and be true to:

1. I am called Marie Angele Abanga and this name I am transforming into a brand one step at a time;
2. I am a simple spirit, not impressed nor depressed by latest trends, tastes, gossips and all things toxic…I can call those out, and work on my attitude towards that in all truth…;
3. I am a free spirit and an extrovert and I am finding more of a balance than not to my personality vis à vis any situation and or person and relationship I come across. I hold myself responsible and accountable for my thoughts, intentions and actions and I owe myself the utmost love, honesty and respect;
4. I am a very passionate, highly talented and equally emotional lady and I am ok with the fact that these could sometimes set me a little off balance…I love the lady I see and talk with everyday in the mirror and prefer to let her live her truth in these states whether any interactions as a result or consequence is mutual or not;
5. I have come to devise, embrace and effectively test my coping and healing techniques, and I am honoured and humbled to use same in my psychotherapy practice…a large part of being true to one’s self involves being able to deal and heal or heal and deal or else we are not being true to ourselves…my ego can as well get lost in the process with no regrets…what I know equally is that self care is the best care!!!

My Me Moment after work

Treating myself to some fresh roasted fish

chilling at home with Darling Donna

And I was thus very happy to spend two days and two nights in the atlantic city of Limbe with my Darling Donna – she is a sister soul and a kindred spirit; and I really wish us all a Donna in our lives…

And now over to you my dear gentle followers and readers, do you think it is worth knowing and being true to one’s self?

Have you discovered something about yourself you may want to inspire someone or us all with?

p.s: it feels so good to be back although I feel am getting blog matured a lot as the years go by hahaha. Thinking  some style and stuffs will be reviewed in the coming weeks or months – but looking forward to with excited anticipation and not dreaded apprehension…

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And this is how it’s all being going down: P’s Night; LLC & co

I knew I was going to have a blast…I visualized one…I wasn’t disappointed…

I left my city of Douala with the very first bus I could find, having stayed up late at Barakah’s all white and glam Prisoner’s night (P’s Night).

With BB herself

I got to Yaounde and had some serious running around to do before heading for the LLC venue. I know I am a super organized chap and had already visualized all of that, so zoom zoom zoom here we came and hurray…just in time for the opening…

2 good days of networking, learning, sharing all in Amazing and Abundant Grace at the Leading Ladies Conference (LLC)…

And I did buy my copy hurray

I mean I am good to go on that vacation (hadn’t I even started?) and then show up two weeks later with GUSTO…

Dear gentle readers and followers, it has been one thrilling first half of 2018 gone and so much Grace has been involved… let me go rest my fingers and brain at least as much as feasible, and then see you by Grace come July 23rd. I will probably share more about the conference and all I learnt and felt on my return, I hope and sure imagine you understand my frame of body and mind at the moment hahaha

If you are happy and you know it raise your hand…

That is mine o

Ella can but twinke her eyes lol

I am definitely one happy woman and here is why:

1) On the day (Wed 27th June) this blog title came to my mind, I was on the way to the hospital to get the results of the inflammation that had rocked my eye for a couple of months now. I was dressed the way you see because I was leaving home very early to catch the first bus to the other city where I had run the tests. I had been told it could be a tumour or some serious allergies. By faith I acclaimed the allergies before leaving the house, and allergies they were. I am rounding up the last treatment for that and it is only getting better;

2) I am happy because I am so in tune with my all these days, I feel my feelings and face my fears. Seriously, never have been this happy. I can unapologetically feel any emotions which come along, then deal and heal or heal and deal whichever my spirit guides me to doing; oh I even help others too as a psychotherapist and this is huge for me; I recently handled a massive breakup like the pro I am lol and the above picture was taken the very next morning post breakup;

3) I work hard, cry hard, pray hard, enjoy hard, relax hard and in short I try to be the Best version of myself. It is oh so sublime.

Those 3 reasons suffice for a brief midweek post… And yes I give myself Permission to be Happy…

And so dear gentle readers and followers, if you are happy and you know it, why not share some in the comments please?

P.S: I will happily honour Barakah’s invitation tonight with a sublime white dress – at last I got somewhere to launch the gift I got myself for completing my 70 days spiritual journey, all to the Glory of God…and before then,

in the afternoon I will be a guest on a TV and Radio show aptly titled: Matters at Stake and Therapy respectively. I will be sharing my experience on parenting and other matters at stake including mental health and how to help… now all these from within and without make and keep me happy…

Next steps: Go home after Barakah’s event; catch some sleep and leave for Yaounde early am for the leading ladies conference…how happier can I be right now? Vacation is calling my name, and you?

Sometimes you may want to punish them and end up punishing yourself big time…

Well, it ended up fun because I let go

The real pepper in our home

Hello world, I may be smiling in those pictures but one can one do?

So, those two guys D&G are still around because well their dad didn’t take them last friday as agreed for a month. Alain is on an internship and as is at dearest Grandma’s for the month since Sunday. You can imagine how all over the place my schedule now is. Indeed, since yesterday I have been working from home.

Yesterday afternoon, I just had to stop at some point and take them swimming (gladly not so far from home and all free cause it’s their family business lol) so Gaby whom I had initially grounded, was about to make me lose my nerves for real with his pranks. Taking them there was to be honest therapeutic too for me and I could use that chilling and bonding time.

Today, ha David of all pulled some dishonest pranks and I decided to take him to the market with me. Oh had I forgotten his girlfriend Patience. I mean a trip that solo will last 20 mins max, ended up lasting 60 minutes. Gaby who had gone out without my permission and was specifically told not to step out, ignored the instruction and went right out to play.  Second grounding right? I found him dirty and asked him to bathe under my supervision. Well, he loves water and showed me just how much…ok relax Ayo… He wanted to go sit outside to eat and I said no, right next to me on the table while I work…what was I even thinking?

In short, he wouldn’t siest, has all sorts of stories and distracting stuffs he has to do indoors now, and I just ended after 2 full hours of sighing and near shouting to let him off…

I mean, there are days in the life of a parent especially a single parent…you just end up laughing at your own calamity…I really think I was punishing my own self lol

Hope this post makes us parents and single parents in the house laugh some…it was good release & anger management typing same off…and my mental health is vip for me…

Be inspired and motivated…one day it shall be another stage and story lol

Live and let life live lol

Self Care is the best Care

p.s: anyways, all is well that ends well and I took myself out for dinner hurray. the last time was in December 2017 lol

Pray tell how did you learn about Patience?

Moments before I leave go hustle, he is they say my mini me, cum designer and all lol

Well, it ended up fun because I let go

 

That guy there taught me about Patience big time…I mean as if she was his girlfriend lol

Now, some are lucky to be called Patience and I should assume that virtue is inherent for them. Others learn it at different intervals of their lives, I learnt it from the months before he was conceived, spanning throughout the pregnancy, post delivery and on to present date.

There was to be a girl before David, I had a miscarriage at 5 months, and as if that wasn’t traumatic enough, I was told the gods had to be appeased or else I will not get pregnant again. I wasn’t ready to appease any god, the God I knew needed no such appeasing. I trusted Him and patiently waited on Him.

Exactly 5 months later, I got pregnant for David and then begun more lessons about Patience. Some days when he started kicking, he will take so much time in between or before the kicks, I will get worried. I was advised by the doctor to calm down.

Dday came and although I felt spasm by 7am, David took his time and showed up at 7pm crying his heart out. Alain got me labouring only 3hours and Gaby 1hour lol. As if that wasn’t enough, he developed a respiratory infection just 15minutes after, and had to be put in the cubicle for 10 days. In short, I was numb and well I could only call on Patience to SOS…

David took his time and still does, he was fed right up to 4 years and same with dressing up. He still takes his time today, be it while drawing or playing football lol. The fun for him still seem to be in the kicking of the ball, how cool is that?

 

My son loves to be swag lol

Having a field day on his bday

 

 

Recently on June 20th when he turned 12 years old, he took his time to get his small party going and his invitees left in frustration. David didn’t mind and still put on his best for a hommies dinner.

The amount of Patience I now have today is unarguably thanks to David for a very large part. Even his speech demands your total attention to understand all he is saying. I try my best not to frustrate him by cutting him short or allowing anyone to do so.

Very little gets me on any impatient edge nowadays, and this is very VIP for my mental wellbeing. Even the popular notoriety of Black man time makes me smile and patiently wait while reading, writing etc

 

My teen and his swag lol

David with his local bow and arrow: A hanger and some broom sticks

My King David initiation to football lol

He has always takien himsel do seriously

David’s letter to me in 08.201, with the Ds written his way lol

The Four of us in our boat.

Patience they say is a virtue and that cannot be overemphasized. Patience has saved my day and life several times, and I am truly grateful for all the lessons David and siblings have taught me about darling Patience.

And now you dear gentle readers and followers, pray tell how did you learn about darling Patience?

An Area girl in Dschang (The dinning table and the step mom effect)

Imagine that dinning table over 25 years ago; imagine it has 9 chairs as it did and still does; imagine a teen me sitting on that exact chair with one empty chair between our new step mom and I (the chair after her was empty as you can even see now lol). At one head of the table was Grand Pere, and dad was at the head nearest the door. On the other side of the table sat Grand Mere and my two siblings with whom I was in the same secondary school.

Dad had come on the eve to collect us for summer holidays, and he had brought his new wife to ‘introduce’ her to us, or more appropriately to his family. I think we children didn’t have a choice.

Ok now, let me spare you details of his reception nor my trashing at our school because I dared collect some snacks he’d brought, nor how we holed up in the back boot of his Pajero at the time, so as to give ourselves maximum distance with ‘step mom’. I was following orders.

When we arrived Dschang from Fontem where we went to secondary school, there was a reception planned and the table had been laid out. Sweet drinks had been bought, pork chops, chicken drums oh my; I was sure excited and looking forward to enjoy myself some especially after all the tough life in boarding school.

But hmm, step mom effect activated…total silence… Dare open your mouth you this talkative Ayo… The dinning table was no longer where we all converged to communion with each other…indeed that was the end of sitting together on a dining table…

I was the only one who could seemingly sit on the same side as her. But that was as far as I could go. Eyes were on me, and peeps thrown in her direction. If she touched something, no one of us was to touch same…unspoken rule but one after all…

And dear all; that is how, what came to be my last visit at a home I had so grown to love and had so many childhood memories of, ended with near tears…

At that time, we lived in the city of Yaounde like 6 hours away by car from Dschang, and you can sureimagine how miserable that journey was. How can I forget how the chatterbox me couldn’t even breathe aloud, forget about asking to go pee? Not even one stop to buy any suya as usual. Dad gave up trying to strike any conversation and I stifled my tears.

I am no longer that scared 13 year old but a full circle 39 years. But when I entered that home and saw that dinning table, I sat down unconsciously on that same chair and all the flashbacks made me bent on writing this down to release same, deal and heal, and sharing same with us all. Life has happened to all the parties of that era, and we are each striving and thriving in their own corners…well that’s my case for sure…

Life probably throws us all sorts of tomatoes on our way, what we do with them is up to us…how we are affected and how we move on and maybe help others with our experiences dealing with both fresh and rotten tomatoes is equally left to us… When I talked about this with dad recently and he said to let go, I told him blogging about it would be the best closure… The timeline from when mum left and step mom moving in was like 6 months and I have blogged already at the massive change in our lives and feeding and all thereafter… I sometimes felt my turning teen and some were stolen from me… maybe that’s why I have no problem being a teen again?

Anyways, back to the Area girl in Dschang in 2018… I have come to go there twice and the second time was to say farewell to my MC, ha another Dschang Saga…argh life

I love the very cold city of Dschang, it’s got lots of personal and historical meaning…

Be inspired and motivated everyone

An Area Girl in Dschang: Remember Mamiwata?

An Area Girl around

Charming mamiwata

Face it or Fear it the choice is yours

The last time I visited Dschang (not go through it), was over 2 decades ago. The post I wrote yesterday about my real relationship with MC tells more on what’s so special about that city to me.

So, I got there via night bus and spent the first day resting, doing chores at home, reconnecting and cheering dad up some. He is what we can call an IDP in his own country due to a civil and political strife going on in the English speaking regions of the country.

Washing dishes, one of my favs

My PA, love at first sight

Laundry is another big fav

My assistants and teachers lol

Cooking in Granny’s firewood kitchen, those were vip beds in those yesteryears lol

Enjoying me some warm tea

On my way to the village market to reconnect

The next day a Saturday, was reserved for sightseeing once I was done with basic chores including cooking for dad who is on a diabetics diet.

I then visit the mamiwata falls in a nearby village, and the museum of civilization (Musee des Civilsations) and then return home tired to rest some before returning to my own city of Douala the very next day. It was a soul trip and I even got to go back with holiday makers I hadn’t really planned but loved having them anyway lol

In my next post, I will talk about the dinning table and the step mom effect. It’s all for closure o.

Our real relationship MC & I (Clarity, Grief & Closure)

MC forever

An hour with MC

MC’s grave being built behind me

This weekend (her burial was yesterday); indeed since June 9th when My MC died, I have gone through a roller coaster of sorts with different emotions, some like pain and grief, plummeting so deep and others like sadness, staying there and keeping me alert and contemplative at the whole point of living.

Some even in my close family circles can’t understand why I should feel so deep and get involved so personal. I decided to just blog about it and get this clear and closed once and for all.

My father had lost his both parents by the age of 8, with his mother dying when he the last was barely 2. By age 12, he found himself in the town of Dschang in the Western Region of Cameroon, that is a 45 or so km from our village of Fontem found geographically in the South West Region. Dschang is French speaking whereas Fontem is English speaking. That was no hindrance for this determined orphan whose family couldn’t afford the 20.000 frs (20 £) school fees required for Sasse College where he had been admitted (one out of 5 only from Fontem). He decided to migrate on his own to Dschang and do all it took to work for his upkeep, master that French language and culture in no time, and pay his fees in one of the public schools which cost 1500frs at the time.

One day as fate and faith will have it, MC’s dad who was Divisional Delegate for Education at the time, visited the school dad was, overlooked into dad’s neat book, marveled at his meticulous handwriting and admired the way his hand shot up to answer questions or ask same. He decided that day he was going to adopt dad and sent a note to dad’s family to that effect. Dad told me he didn’t even send the note, he was ready to move in with one I fondly called ‘Grand pere’ the very next day lol.

My dad clearly owes just so much to this Angel, his family and all. Dad was taken in as a first child, and the couple later on had 8 children with MC being the 7^th. Although nearly 2 years older, as I said I didn’t know nor could be bothered.

MC and I did stuffs teens (mischief ones especially) do, including talking about and exploring our sexuality. If that isn’t profound what is? When her dad my ‘Grand Pere’ died in July 2009, I was so heavily pregnant with Gaby I wasn’t even allowed to go into his room at the hospital to bid him farewell. He had insisted dad come in all the way from Fontem to Douala to see him and dad had picked me up on arrival so we go see him together. Shortly after dad arrived, ‘Grand Pere’ I was told looked at dad, nodded, touched his hand and then drew his last breathe.

I didn’t attend his burial either, Gaby was just a week old. Now, before this all, the last time I had gone to Dschang was when I was around 15 years. Life’s twists and turns came and we all went to town and life continued to happen. Keeping in touch was henceforth by phone etc.

An Area Girl around

Dad and I at Grand Pere’s

Praying on Grand Pere’s tomb

3 weeks before MC died, Dad was in Dschang and I decided to go check on him. It was you can tell a soulful home coming. I still have to write about the visit. I prayed for MC on ‘Grand Pere’s’ grave but I guess the dice had been cast – she had endured too much already and couldn’t even talk… Am so glad I reached out to her that weekend with all the love I had and could show in my modest way…

The above should make it clear once and for all why I felt the grief so deep. It was like going to mourn for both ‘Grand Pere’, MC and her two other siblings gone ahead some years earlier at different intervals.

I went for a long walk while burial rites were taking place, that was therapeutic and good for my mental wellbeing

The good news is that, I found healing and closure right there at the burial – so glad I braved it to go. I did stuff I liked like washing the dishes (which is a huge thing at gatherings like this – hence really appreciated) and that was so self soothing, and then I went and spent an hour with MC where she was laid (3,45 am – 4,45 am). I prayed, meditated, read scripture passages on meditation, and listened in silence to MC remind me that life ain’t to be lived in the past participle (as she loved saying). The meditation was also on spot from James Allen: “Who can mend a broken Vase by weeping over it”?.

And so for closure, it is well with my soul. I equally traveled back home safely, and although I haven’t slept properly for 3 straight days, am grateful for the sleep in shifts in the night bus and at the wake. I will make it up gradually… The weekend before was equally partially spent at another burial, the only sibling to a dear school mate…arg life…

It is important in my modest opinion to deal and heal in every circumstance and to do it the way which works best for you. It is therapeutic to Feel your Feelings, Face your Fears and embrace the journey with fortitude and gratitude.

On this note, I cherish MC’s spirit of exuberance and love, I celebrate our memories and am filled with gratitude for knowing her thanks to the largesse of her Angel of a dad who made of my dad the man he is today… Cousin or not, whatever label it is, MC was a soul sister…

Be inspired and motivated us all, happy Sunday everyone

P.s: a brief of my timeline on return home, to inspire and motivate

6 am arrive home

7-9.30 am sleep

10.12.30 pm clean up and cook

3.30 pm – 4.15pm session with client

4.30 – 6 pm power walk for welcome home. I feel so great and know I’ll have a very good and peaceful sleep

Let me go bury My MC and then look forward to a vacation…

My MC forever in my soul

My MC I’ll always treasure the memories

Ugly brain cancer did this to my MC

My MC‘s burial is this weekend, wake keep tonight and burial 30th – I am probably going to be there by the time this scheduled post goes up. It’s gonna be a brief one…

I will take a break from blogging for 2 weeks hopefully from July 9-23 , to rest and recuperate (ain’t ever easy I know) and next week is flamed up starting actually on Thursday July 5th with Barakah’s event before I move on to Yaounde for the Leading Ladies Conference.

It was barely 1 month ago that I went by night trip to MC their village to visit my dad… The real relationship being that dad an orphan had been adopted by this Angel when he was just 11/12 in a city he knew no one in and was yet to learn French. It had been 2 decades I hadn’t been there because Grand pere (MC’s dad) died in 2009 when I just had Gaby… In short, all these make for at least two more posts…

For now, see you hopefully next month for a couple of days lol

It’s been one half of a year indeed – hmm, let me just bury My MC and see how it goes with the mini break and co

Have a great weekend everyone and till then – one love – do take care of yourselves and take a break when you have to, cause life can be tough and roller coaster…

Barakah Barakah my heroine and the Prisoner’s Night…

I have truly and remarkably been blessed beyond measure to meet wonderful people in my life. There sure is something about me or better still the spirit which attracts all these amazing people to my modest self – or takes me to them fearlessly. I met Barakah Barakah precisely on the 18th of January 2016 (my 36th birthday). We were both invitees on a show and although I was so low that day, Barakah and the host did it – Barakah especially with her zeal and all brought my spirits back up…thank you my dearest Barakah Barakah especially with that surprise birthday cake lol

How can I not celebrate this special Barakah Barakah …she is another one – we say out here she is too much. Look, me thinks BB as I fondly call her, is connected to super natural energy. She is a …what do I say and what do I leave out? Ok for the sake of this post, she is an artist. When am in the office or even at home and I just want to sing for Jesus, I put one of BB’s tapes with my favourite being Back to Jesus. See some of her CD covers for yourselves oh…indeed Mama BB is Addicted to Worship lol

She has no complex whatsoever, so down to earth and full of admiration for everyone she meets. Let me just share more of my picture collection of BB

Her latest Album

Ever so full of Zeal

BB making news

BB doing clean up at the Prison

I have worked in the prison for 3 years and I know what a world that is. So many lost ones in there and oh so much pain and suffering and despair. One of BB’s passions is to visit them as many prisons as she can, singing and ministering to them and dancing with them in ways only she can. When BB shows up, even the ever tense prison administration relax. See some of her stuffs out there…

So on Thursday the 5th of July, I’ll be honouring BB’s invitation to her mega CD launch of: ‘the Reason I live’ and the viewing of the documentary she made of her exploits in the prisons.

I wish I had more time to raise funds for this wonderful woman. But I know she will never lack as long as she is doing it all for Jesus.

‘Le chemin de l’espoir’ in english means the Path of Hope. Indeed, hope is what keeps many an inmate holding on, not ending it all in there, not giving in to the pressure to join a gang or go awol and all the vices you can imagine thrive in there.

I wish BB so so much and hope she gets the prize for which she has been nominated in Atlanta come September this year.

BB, you are my heroine and I’ll always appreciate you for the joy you bring to my heart, my ears and to all who know you especially those behind bars.

Have a fabulous midweek everybody

p.s: let me leave you with this shout out to BB from one of her million fans out here:

Thank you Lord Jesus for this missionary corridor. I pray for the increasement of the grace required to fulfil this commission. Be strong and of a good courage dear sister Barakah Barakah for the Lords of Hosts is with you. Love you dear mummy