I called her john, I now know her name was Ulla. This makes no difference to me, my grief is once more unbearable. I could hardly sleep last night.
I had thought I was done with blogging, hung up my blogging boots: But how do I not revert to where I found so much solace two years ago when I lost my one and only brother to this same Bipolar Monster?
And guess who was there to help me so very much on with my grief and healing process? Guess who selflessly offered to review My brother’s journey which I maniacally wrote in 30 days? Oh Ulla where do I begin?
You were my hero and heroine and am humbled I wrote you a blog to let you and the world know .
Oh no, what a sad coincidence, that a vigil is planned for you on September 10th 2016, exactly 2 years when I published that post?
Ah our poor, battered, tattered and shattered mental health community… who will research and share all the information with us again? Oh dear, you cheered us up and fought so hard… even letting us know when things were seemingly so tough your way, that you were still alive.
The grief is still so hard, kindly join us on BLAHPOLAR’S blog come September 10th, to pay her a deserving tribute:
Here are some other blog posts from her other kindred spirits, I know many more others don’t even have it in them to write …
Losing Ulla
An Invitation: JOIN ME on SEPT 10th to Honour ULLA’s Death — Our Lived Experience
MFavour's Blog 
I think if it was almost anyone else, I couldn’t write a word yesterday. Was it yesterday when I wrote that post, Marie? Jeez. The day’s a blur.
Well, writing anything yesterday when the shock was so thick shows how much Ulla – John meant to me, and who still does mean so much to me. I wake up thinking about her, I go to sleep thinking about her, I spoke to her in the car this morning for 15 minutes, and I’m sure she thought I was batshit if she was there with me…..
What you wrote here is beautiful and loving. As was she. As she always will be.
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Thank you Lady, so too did what you wrote… It susks, it sucks to the core, but we have to be strong and to deal with the grieve as she taught and helped us to…
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Love you, love you, Marie! 💙😇🙏
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You know I do too right my fair Lady?
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Argh Jeeze, I am so so sorry, Marie and everyone else,…I dunno what to say,,, I am in a different place from all of you on this issue but i never ever want to hear about someone else taking their lives because of any reason…Dear god, why does this keep happening…Please everyone, be well, stay well, and keep on fighting? Love, Pam
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Sweet Pammie, sincerely you got me worried some now. But am glad you are still there and I love the painting you did. Please dear, would you kindly email me? Thanks for your comment, yes you are a matriarch in my community and I take your advice and all seriously. Hope to see you next year after your country’s elections and the ensuing pre and post fever. Love
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no no no Blahpolar helped me survive the death of my son Jaie in 2014. er words helped to alleviate some of the crushing guilt in the initial few months 😦 …. Am crying now 😥 …. I have a WSPD event on September 10th and I shall also light a candle for Ulla at 8pm …(Sandra)
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Dear Sandra, I remember not knowing what to write to you when Jaie passed on. I mean what do you tell a grieving mum especially when you are mum and your boys are still around? And so I just read your posts but gladly watch them get more ‘better’ – the language, the pain, the hurt, the guilt etc and I knew the right people were surrounding you. That was Ulla. Being there for others like that… It really hurts … You hardly see it coming…
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I cried. I really cried when I saw your post. I haven’t been on my blog as much because I was planning a Mental Health Expo for Septembr 10th this year so I never saw her last few posts and the struggles Ulla was going through and I feel I let her down 😦 … poor darling 😥
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I crashed and burned after the mental health expo on Saturday September 10th, I cried for Ulla before 5.30am Australian time and I’m wanting to cry again now. I barely moved from my bed and room after the 10th. Today is the first day I’ve been up and out of the house for over a week. (Except For surgery)
Ullas death crushed something in me and I took several days to crawl out of that dark hole, gasping for air and trying to believe there’s some rhyme and reason behind this life.
I simply wish to wake up from this ongoing nightmare which sees each additional death to suicide, forcing myself and so many others to plant our feet in the ground and push back against the encroaching darkness.
I think now, my psychiatrist is beginning to view me as suffering from bipolar and have been for many years. Undiagnosed and untreated. And that terrifies the hell out of me.
I have a presentation late October and it is at an international mental health convention in Australia. I NEED to make my words count! I must make them represent those who have lost their battles against mental illness and suicide.
There will be many weeks of reflection before I can submit my final draft to present.
❤️
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Oh Sandra, how hard all this must be for you! How wound opener each time another suicide happens! of course our own mental health and stability take hits too. Please take it easy on yourself and yes keep trying all you can to push back. As for your presentation, do you think it’s worth looking also at the stats of attempted suicide since some other stats say those who attempt are at a higher risk of actually doing so again? Please , the diagnosis whatever, whichever, whenever that gets made, should really not ruin your stamina to the extent you can’t fight again for all the voiceless you must have probably met in the course of your work both off and online.
Indeed your words will count
xoxo
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I am slowly gathering my thoughts Marie. I shall do some distance riding on my bike and that is when I get my best ideas for speaking. Stay safe dear Marie ❤
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Sandra, I learnt to bike barely a year ago and oh my how I loved it. One day I went for maybe 3 hours to a park in another Belgian village, and then round the park, and back home to the friend’s where I was spending a weekend. I had left with so much on my mind, and came back doing much much better with some resolves in my mind. You too stay safe and happy pedaling 🙂
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